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The Idea for this one came from a prompt table on LiveJournal called the WTF 27. Since
I'm not on LiveJournal I only took the prompts as inspiration for this one. So if you're
wondering, yes, it's the WTF element that drew me.
Kissy Kissy Bang Bang.
Xander looked up from his waiting spot. The interview was for a secretarial position. Not
his favorite thing in the world but he could type and make pretty decent coffee. It'd keep
his landlord off his back and let him maybe save a few bucks. So yeah, he was here waiting
to be interviewed with the three women in the room giving him odd looks. He glared at one
and she looked away. He looked at the receptionist, who only gave him a weak smile. He
leaned back, trying to look calm and confident. He had been to a lot of interviews in the last
few months. He hoped this one worked out better than his last one. His last interview had
been with some guy who was actively working a spell. Which he had ended up botching for
him on purpose. He didn't want to know what the small furry thing spell would've done to
him. Since all magic went wonky around him.... Better to be safe than a rabbit.
"Harris?" Xander stood up, walking over to the receptionist, who pointed at a door. "In
there please. Good luck."
"Thanks." He tapped before walking in, trying to seem polite. What he found wasn't what
he had expected. Not the blue person. Not the furry person. Not the other furry person
doing the blonde with the fake breasts. He coughed and didn't look at him. "Are we
rescheduling?" he asked politely.
"No, they're glued together," the other furry person said, looking at him. "You're a
"I can be a secretary. I've taken plenty of messages in my day. I've worked with a
librarian and three girls for years now."
"So, how is Buffy in bed?" the one having sex asked.
Xander coughed again, shaking his head. "Wouldn't know. Not my type. I only draw the
psycho women. Then again I'm dating Anyanka right now. She'd be a bit pissed if I
cheated on her. I don't want to know what she'd do to me if she caught me. Either ask to
join in or curse me."
"Probably both," the blue guy said. "Do you have any problems working with musicians?"
"Depends, is it crappy or good music? Because crappy, I'll need earplugs."
They all laughed. "It's pretty decent. We're in high demand," the blue guy admitted. "We
need a personal assistant. Someone to deal with the money folks, someone to deal with the
mundane, that way we can work our magic in the music."
Xander nodded. "Okay. How much traveling is going to be involved? Weekends, long
tour? I need to know if I need to put stuff in storage." They all stared at him. "Not like I
wouldn't like the vacation from Sunnydale, guys. Anything's better than working with Buffy
this week. She's got PMS."
They all nodded wisely at that. "It's a long tour and we'll be here and there," the blue guy
told him. Xander shrugged. "It'll probably be a few months."
"It happens," Xander agreed. "I remember Oz's band going off for two-three weeks at a
time and they weren't that hot or hip at that point. Am I going with you guys or sitting in an
"No, you'll be going with us. Just to keep the manager off our backs," the guy having sex
said, and the blonde squealed, hitting him on the antenna. "Sorry, her brother." He smiled
sweetly at her. "You know I love you."
"If we ever get this glue off I'm going to kill you."
"If you do it now, you'll have to drag him around?" Xander suggested.
"Exactly." She glared at him. "No looking."
"Not. Really. Like I said, I'm dating Anyanka." She cackled. "Exactly." He looked at the
other guys again. "What sort of pay are we talking, how long is the tour exactly, how much
can I bring with me?"
"Two bags, smallish in size. No weapons. Some of the places we're going that would be a
"Can't I pack a dagger or something?"
"As long as you don't wear it openly we don't care if you magic an arsenal with us. Just
don't let it be caught," the guy having sex offered. "They killed the last one for that.
Thought his pendant was a weapon."
"Actually, no, blood vial. He was a bit goth. Had to make special arrangements on the bus
for his coffin."
"I'm not that picky. It's a bed," Xander told them, earning smiles. "Pay rate?"
"Fairly decent. Fifteen hundred a month. We'll pay for most of your food most likely.
You're more than free to snack in the green room while we're on stage. Call it quality
control and checking for poisons." Xander nodded at that. "You sure? It's going to be a
"Like I said, she's got PMS this week. Her boyfriend just dumped her too. He was one of
the commando idiots. I'd rather be in hell than with Buffy this week. It'll be a nicer spot."
The other furry guy nodded. "Makes sense to me, dude. If you want music you might want
to bring it. Otherwise all you'll get is our stuff over and over again."
"I can pack that. Hell, most of my stuff fits in two bags except for the weapons. How
magically null are the places we're going?"
"A few, very," the guy having sex offered. "A few are highly magical spots. You might feel
a bit sick on them. One's really pure. Lots and lots of virgins who all say no and then pout."
Xander shrugged. "I'm dating Anyanka." They all laughed at that. "Okay. When and
where do I meet you guys?"
"Two days, here," the other furry guy said.
Xander smiled. "I can be here. Thanks, guys. You won't be sorry." He walked out,
heading home to tell his landlord he was moving out and leaving town for a few months. He
packed most everything he needed into the special bag Willow had made for him for his
road trip. The rest went into one of Giles' closets in his spare bag. His former backpack
got his music, comics, notebook, pen, stamps, and shower accessories. Plus his money, car
keys, bank books, and anything else he didn't want Anya to get into. He looked around, then
shrugged. The place was pretty clean. The food in the fridge could be eaten in the next few
days. He went back to Giles' house, going to look in his books.
"What are you looking for?" Giles asked absently. "What did you put in my closet
"My new job's taking me out of town for a few weeks. That's the stuff I'm not taking with
me." That got a grunt. "Blue furry people and everlasting glue that's making him screw
the blonde girl all the time?"
"Red book, third shelf for the glue. Brown book in Hebrew on the fifth shelf for the blue
Xander pulled them down, making notes. Then he put them back carefully and gave Giles a
hug. "See you in a few weeks. Don't worry, I'll write when I can. Tell Anya I love her but
if she wants to break it off with me, it's up to her, not my call."
"I'll have Willow put it more tactfully." He waved a hand. "Have a good trip."
"Hopefully." He walked out with the notes, going back to his place. He found Anya there,
pouting at the bag. "Sorry, new job is taking me out of town for a few weeks," he explained.
"Then how am I supposed to get orgasms?"
"Your choices are wait and don't cheat on me or else I have good reason to dump you and
you won't get your powers back, or dump me for that reason and go find someone who'll be
"When will you be back?"
"At least three weeks." She grimaced. "Could be months though. I'm going to be a
secretary for a rock band on tour."
"You'll have easy women around you," she pouted.
"Not like I'll cheat." He gave her a knowing look. "By the way, tell Spike his snoopy
boxers have another hole in them. The washer ate them with my dilbert ones." She blushed
at that. "Your choice, Anya." She stomped off. "That's fine. Have a good life, dear. I'll
miss you while you're gone." He slammed the door and checked his bags. Everything was
still in there. Willow's cloaking spell for the money was still working well. He decided to
take some of his last cash and go buy some other necessities. Batteries for his CD player.
Sodas to take with him for the first part of the trip. Never knew when you could get the
good caffeine or twinkies. Condoms just in case. He heard Anya complaining to Willow up
the street and called her. "Tell Spike she took his boxers home and made them cohabitate
with mine again." He hung up when she started to scream at Anya about how she was
mistreating her Xander. "Huh, she does care." He went back to his place, going to stuff the
new supplies into his backpack. Then he settled in to enjoy his last few hours of freedom
from work. Not that it'd be really hard work but still work. He opened a soda, getting
comfy with his feet up and a library book he needed to return on his way out tomorrow. It
was overdue but they'd forgive him. They were like that in Sunnydale.
Xander walked into the room he had interviewed in, finding them in the same places.
"Bored?" he asked, handing over the notes on the glue.
"Man, I love you," the blue guy said. "He figured out what it was." He handed it over. The
guy looked then got up, walking them into another room. A few minutes later she squealed
and he came out alone. "You better?"
"Much. I can have my dick back now." He flopped down with a sigh. "It's great to lose
dead weight. You ready?" Xander pointed at his bags. "I see magic?"
"Willow charmed them before my first road trip to find myself."
"What parts did you find?"
"Stripping in Oxnard is strange and low paying," Xander said bluntly. They all laughed.
"But the good news is that Anya decided to dump me." They all clapped. "So, when do we
"A few more hours. Bus needed a repair," the guy in the center said.
"That's cool. Can I pronounce your name or does your species not give them out? Anything
I should call you other than hey you?"
"I'm Bob," the blue one said, waving a hand. "The one without the blonde is Curls. The
other is Dick."
"Hey. Use Xander for me. I've heard it a lot, even being screamed at me with the word
'duck'." They all laughed. "Anyone else coming?"
"Nah," Curls said. "Bob's our new drummer. Our last one was the guy who got killed for
wearing jewelry." He looked the kid's comfortable loose jeans and loose t-shirt over.
"That'll do for our needs. The manager's name is Dickwad. Or that's what we call him."
"His real name's Robert, that way you don't get us confused," Dick said with a bright grin.
"We usually call him Fred so no one else gets confused."
"Sure. What's he look like?"
"Four-foot-ten, fat, greedy," Curls told him. "Always onto us to do more dates than we
want. Feel free to stab him anywhere you like but the head. That'll make him explode and
since he does our bookings we can't kill him."
"I can do that." They all smiled. "Any other necessities?"
"If you want more soda, I'd pack it, Xander. It's going to be a *long* time before you see a
Xander pointed at the bag on the right. "I've got two cases stuffed in there thanks to Willow
"I'd go get more than that if you're going to want more than one a week or so," Curls said.
"We can stuff it in the equipment area. Your rep says you like sweets too. I'd get some of
that too." He handed over a credit card. "Here ya go. Go load up, be back in thirty
minutes or less."
"I'll make like Dominos." He headed out, going to the place across the street. Since they
were paying he could even get the good stuff. He even borrowed a shopping cart for a few
minutes, bringing it back well under the thirty minute limit. Twenty cases of soda were all
they had in the store but it should last him for a while. He had also bought out all the
twinkies, all the chocolate brownies, and all the ho-hos, plus about thirty bags of chips.
"I love you," Dick said, grabbing the bag of cheetos. "They have more?"
"About a case."
"Go fetch and carry," he ordered. Xander nodded, heading back that way. "Buy the
suckers out for us," he called after him.
"Sure, anything else?"
"Beer good, dude," Dick yelled.
"Gotcha." He went back across the street, getting an odd look. "The bosses doth call." He
grabbed the cart, just simply pushing all the chips into it. "Got any more cheetos? They're
musicians." She just nodded, going to get the case for him. That and the beer, plus some
salsa for the corn chips and he was done, heading back across the street about as the bus
pulled up. He nearly got ran over. They all ran out and he pointed. "Am I unloading and
"We'll help. Go get your stuff from upstairs." Xander went to do that, hauling down the
sodas and things by hand, but one of the smaller demons came up to help and it could carry
twenty cases of soda at once, as it proved, so he only had to get his bags and the bag of ho-
hos. He came back down, letting them finish loading. The four-foot-ten human looking guy
stared at him. "That's Xander. He's our assistant," Curls noted. "Deal with him." They
climbed onto the bus, Xander following them. He pointed. "That cubicle is yours. Any
funny noises and we get to laugh. Remember not to crap on the bus if you don't have to, the
drainage system sucks and it stinks." Xander nodded, tossing his bags in without looking.
Then he felt the breeze and looked, giving him an odd look. "No one ever said the bus wasn't
magical," he said with a smug look. "Not like we could live like this." He went to his own
cubicle, sighing as he climbed in. "You'll want to be sitting when we take off, Xander."
"Sure." He found a seat nearer to a window and sat down, watching the smaller demons
stack up on top of each other and the manager stick them into the equipment area. He
noticed one bag was out and pointed, but the manager growled before handing it over.
"They said so."
"I'm sure they did. Make sure Bob eats. He hates the food in Rigerson." He closed the
door. "I'll see you there. Watch out for my boys."
"Of course I will." The bus took off with a bang of the engine, making him blink at the
multi-color stripes flowing past. "Cool Star Trek effects. Almost makes me feel like I got a
contact buzz off the back of Oz's van." Someone laughed so he looked down the hallway.
"Hey, Bob. I rescued the last bag of chocolate."
"I love you already, Xander." He took a brownie, sitting down to nibble. "It's going to be a
pretty cool tour. You'll have tons of stories to tell them when you get back." Xander
grinned at that. "They might not believe them all but that's all right." He patted him on the
back. "You'll get used to it."
"Do the little packing demons always stack?"
"Yeah, that's their thing. It's like cuddling after sex to them. The lifting and toting is the
sex part before you wonder." He ate another bite, nodding. "It'll be two days before we get
to Rigerson. Fair warning, don't eat the green worms. They taste like crap." He got up,
going back to his cubicle. "Settle in, have a nap. We'll call you for dinner."
"Okay." He went to settle into his cubicle, looking around it. It was a lot more spacious
than you'd think. It was also made of green foam for some reason. Like the memory foam
in beds. He crawled in and found it was comfortable. There was a small fountain in there.
He sniffed the water. "Not good. Smells like it's hooked up to the sewer system." He
turned it back around, letting it drain outside the bus apparently. He could feel the breeze
again. He found the window behind some foam and closed it. Then he settled in. He pulled
out a notebook and decided to start a journal. This was a trip that would deserve a tale.
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