Title: Chaos Legion of Ascended People
Fandom: Buffy, Stargate, House so far. Other's mentioned.
Author: Danyella Skyler Silverfire
Website: Livejournal, Insanejournal, or Fanfiction.Net
Rating: PG
Genre(s): General
Pairing(s): None yet?
Summary: Some people just really shouldn't Ascend. Especially this group. Luckily there's a place for people like them among the Higher Beings.
Warnings: Snark?
Disclaimer: Checks reality meter (It's remarkably Magic Eight Ball shaped). {{shake}}{{shake}} Do I own Buffy, Stargate or House, M.D.? Nope still the right reality. Go eat a tuna sandwich instead. {{stares}} Damn.
Author's Note: Yeah, I get weird thoughts. This was just... Well I'm actually writing it and I didn't think I could. And the level of snark they're capable of hasn't killed me yet. So here's hopping it continues.
Word Count: 2,820

Chaos Legion of Ascended People

Rodney and House both agreed that it was not their fault. It was actually a combination of an alien after their genius genes, an unknown alien artifact, House's human grown almost-ATA gene (as in it evolved naturally, not introduced by an Ancient in his family tree), and Rodney's pseudo-ascended status (after all he was there, he just came back). When things inevitably went wrong, as happens when you combine to pissed off abrasive geniuses, the idiot alien, and his trigger happy minions it wasn't really surprising when things went to pot.

The both of them ascending though, that was a surprise. Them, being the opportunistic bastards that they are, decided to go poking around before any Ancient could show up and tell them what they can and can't do. After all, if they didn't know they couldn't do something, it's not really their fault is it? However they just happened to run into another recently ascended being, surprisingly not an Ancient or Daniel Jackson. Unfortunately, while House and Rodney had managed to find some sort of strange balance do to their mutual kidnapping and ascending, throwing in a third good at heart, but you can't tell over all the snark, bitching, and total disinterest in other's feelings, manner all three shared, things predictably exploded.

Rodney tried to hit on Cordelia, Cordelia bitched about their lack of fashion sense when projecting themselves, and House leered and asked if she was an ascended hooker. Relations understandably broke down from there. Soon the three of them were in the middle of a loud, violent fight - thankfully no where near a planet though. Because when Ascended beings get loud, they get loud and things tend to cease to be.

The fight did however have the effect of getting the Ancients to finally locate Rodney and House. Unfortunately they couldn't get them in hand do to their own rules making them rather out of practice with fighting. But as abruptly as the fight started, it ended with the three of them going off to the far side of the sun from Earth, where they rather worryingly began planning something. And with those three, even the Ancients knew it was bad.

After some hurried consulting amongst themselves they swiftly sent Oma to gather up Daniel, re-Ascend him and drag him back. After all they were from his planet and culture. He should be able to at least safely get the trio's attention if nothing else. If they were lucky, he might even get them to understand the basic rules that all ascended beings had to live by. Well as far as the Ancients were concerned that was, they loathed even remembering the other Ascended factions, let alone talking about them.

Daniel was understandably confused to find himself ascended again when the most dangerous thing he had been doing was reading the newest in a fantasy series that he was secretly hooked to. Once the situation got explained to him, the plotting trio, not the other factions; they weren't going to tell Daniel of all people about them if they could help it; Daniel was not happy, but agreed on the condition that this time they don't take away his memory and send him back naked. Twice was more than enough, thank you much.

The Ancients didn't discover until it was to late that it was a little like letting the fox into the hen house. Daniel soon joined them in their plotting, and Daniel is easily as smart as the other three, but he also has the edge of having been taught by both Jack O'Neil and Survival on how to focus that genius on something other then his area of actual interest. Before the Ancients knew what was happening, the four were gone and they couldn't find them anywhere. And they looked. All over Earth and Daniel's favored planets. They even did a quick check on Atlantis, and they still couldn't find them.

They were doing another check on Earth a week later and found the four of them in human form (still ascended, just with physical bodies now) and with their minds tightly locked against the Ancients finding out just what they had done over the missing week. Or even really whatever they might be thinking.

Cordelia moaned in pleasure as she inhaled the luscious scent of her precisely prepared mocha.

"Must you do that?" Rodney snipped.

"Yes. I haven't had a body in over five years. I didn't even know it was possible to get a new one. Thanks for that by the way." She threw out, not even looking up from her communion with the coffee gods.

"No problem. I'm just glad I'm dressed and know who I am this time," Daniel muttered the last, still annoyed by all the time lost.

House just snorted and continued to contemplate the sandwich he had ordered. "It's interesting how different things look now."

"What, because you're no longer a gimp?" Rodney asked, looking over at his new... friend in confusion.

"That too, but mostly the whole Ascended senses thing." House was very appreciative of his new body. No more crippled leg or drug habit for him. Not that it'd stop him from being an ass, but it was still nice to not be in pain.

"True. It's very interesting." Daniel agreed as he eyed a thug working mentally through... physics? Oh, car aerodynamics. "Huh."

"Hmm?" Cordelia looked up enough to follow where Daniel's attention had wandered, scan, then dismiss. "Guy thoughts."

House choked briefly as he glared at the single female of their group. "That's not guy thoughts. Mostly."

"I think girls think about sex more than guys. Guys also have cars, violence, and sports. You know, macho crap."

"Girls do not..." Daniel started to protest.

"Try me."

"Okay, clothes."

"To get a guys attention, to get him thinking of sex, and if he's a dish, to have sex."

House nodded. "That would include make up."

"Of course."

"Kids."

"Are a produce of sex, and a way of showing off what a good mother she is. Plus the whole procreation thing."

"Movies," Daniel offered.

"Have you ever seen a romance? It's all about getting them to have sex. In a romantic way, but still sex. Guy movies have sex in them yes, but they're more about blowing things up and beating the bad guys." Cordelia scoffed.

"Point." House conceded, but before he could offer something else up, Oma walked up to their table in the bustling restaurant.

"Where have you four been?"

"No where important. You need something?" Cordelia demanded.

"You need to..."

"We don't need to do anything. We're taking a break before we head back to our lives," House snapped.

"You can not as you are."

"Actually they can." A male voice said.

"Chase?" House asked in surprise to see the blond Australian standing there.

"Hi House." Chase smiled briefly at House, before turning his attention back to the Ancient. "I'm here to offer them a place in CLAP."

"You cannot..."

"I can. I've been sounding House out for years. He has all the qualities to make a fine member, and his new friends as well."

"This is most..."

"Don't start. You know the treaty as well as I. Do you really wish to push this?"

Oma stared stiffly at him for a long time before giving a brief nod. "Very well, one year. You will..."

"...Take responsibility. I do know the treaty. By the way, Janus says hi." With that parting shot Chase sat down at the table with the surprised, but intrigued group.

Oma gave him a severe glare, before leaving the way she came.

"Sounding me out?" House asked with raised eyebrows. "For a STD?"

"No to both. CLAP is short for Chaos Legion of Ascended People. And more, I've been enjoying the chaos and discord you spread to your fellow man."

"So I'm a toy to you?"

"Yes. Until you Ascended anyway."

House stared hard at Chase, before nodding reluctantly.

"What's the big deal about this... 'CLAP'?" Rodney demanded, impatiently.

"And this treaty?" Daniel added on.

"Well I'm sure you've all meet and been very unimpressed by the Lanteans, correct?" Chase asked running his eyes over the four.

Cordelia nodded. "I've been working for the PTB since I died."

"And I've meet the Ori." Daniel added.

Chase nodded. "So you've pretty much seen three of the factions of Ascended beings between you. The Chaos Legion is a... conglomerate of outcastes and professional troublemakers that formed back before the Lanteans started Ascending. We don't really work together like the Lanteans, Ancient or Ori, do. It's more of a mutual defense group than anything else. Someone can be forcefully deascended or killed if enough other Ascended work together."

"Like I was." Daniel said flatly, though he was intrigued in spite of himself at meeting another group of Ascended.

"Indeed. They deascended you before you could be approached with an offer. They really don't like us because we don't play by their rules. Never have."

"The treaty?" Cordelia prodded.

"Mostly an agreement that when a member of the Chaos Legion approaches a person or persons with an offer to join, they can't interfere or deascend them or anything, unless they turn down the offer." Chase shrugged.

House eyed his fellow doctor before asking. "How long have you been an Ascended?"

Chase tilted his head thoughtfully. "A few millennia. I've been doing a human life for the last few decades as you may have noticed."

"So Rowan..."

"Is the father of this body." Chase shrugged. "Quite a few of us like having biological bodies, so do mortal lives. Not all as humans by the way, one of my friends is currently a dog in a town called Eureka on the west coast."

"So we get a year to decide?" House asked.

"Pretty much. It's an important decision after all. So you shouldn't be rushed into it. But it goes both ways, if Daniel hadn't settled down by the end of the year we could approach him with an offer, but they deascended you before we could."

Daniel nodded thoughtfully. "What does CLAP do exactly?"

"It depends on the person. I mostly do mortal lives and enjoy them, others take a strong interest in some aspect of nature, some do what they can to give the other Ascended factions fits. One of our newest members in fact is one of those." Chase grinned evilly at the thought that Xander had caused with his meddling. "You know him I believe. Xander Harris?"

"Xander? Xander Harris is Ascended?" Cordelia demanded incredulous.

"For a decade or so." Chase smirked at Cordelia's stunned reaction.

"Who named it CLAP?" Rodney asked.

"I did actually. I got really drunk at a party about a hundred years back and coined the phrase. The brat J.D. shortened it to CLAP and it kinda stuck." Chase shrugged. "Anyway, over the next year you'll be meeting various members as well as having your friends and family sounded out as possible members. We've found some surprisingly good people through those means."

"So what's your real name?" House asked curiously.

"That you'll just have to find out on your own." Chase smirked at his boss. "Anyway, first things first do you want to take the year?"

Daniel shrugged before nodding. "You don't mind meddling?"

Chase snorted. "Some of us take it as our personal calling to meddle. What got you deascended with the Lanteans won't with us. Most it would get you is some prodding over Jack."

Daniel flushed in embarrassment at the image that Chase sent him. "We..."

"Don't care. So the rest of you?"

House nodded. "Sounds interesting if nothing else."

Cordelia shrugged. "Why not."

Rodney looked at the others before turning to Chase. "What about Atlantis?"

"What about it? I thought you'd want to go back."

"So we can keep our lives?"

"Sure. Xander does. So have others until they felt like moving on. It's not a big deal."

Rodney nodded distractedly turning over various plans for having an actual Ascended living on Atlantis. "Sure, sure."

"Just remember there are some rules we try to follow. For instance no smiting. I know it's tempting with some people, but don't. It's always a hassle having to clean up after it. Well unless you want to set yourselves up as gods?" Chase asked.

The four shuddered and shook their heads. They may all be egocentric in their own ways, but they all knew enough about religion and people reactions to it to not want that.

"Then don't. There's some other stuff." Chase gave them a mental rundown on the agreed rules the Chaos Legion lived by, as well as various treaties and the like. "Any other questions?"

Rodney, Daniel and Cordelia all shook their head as they digested the information. House however had to be different. "Who wants to play paintball?"

Daniel grinned as Jack came into his living room, only to pause when he saw Daniel sitting on his couch.

"Where have you been?"

"Three Ascended were fighting so Oma reascended me to negotiate a truce between them."

"Okay..." Jack drawled. "And they couldn't handle it themselves?"

"Well considering one of them was Rodney and the other two were just as bad as him?"

"I see your point. So your...?"

"Still Ascended, but back with a body. I got an offer from another group so no memory loss or unfortunate nudity this time."

"Oh." Jack was quiet for a moment before trying again. "Well at least you aren't dead this time."

Rodney was almost humming in pleasure as he reformed in John's office. He was really liking this having a body whenever he wanted thing. A mortal body was still a mortal body, while an Ascended body was an Ascended body, but it was still neat. Not to mention he could now enjoy being super powered this time.

"Jesus! Rodney! Where did you come from?" John demanded when he noticed Rodney standing in front of his desk. "Shouldn't you be on Earth?"

"Oh, I was. Long story short I got kidnapped and ended up Ascending."

"You're..." John trailed off not sure exactly how, let alone what to ask.

"What? Oh, no. I'm still going to be doing my old job, but better." Rodney waved off the unasked questions. "I'll just be using my day off to take a trip to Earth to hang out with the others."

"Others?" John had the feeling that the explanation was going to cause him headaches of the "making new policies" kind.

Xander was in the midst of a rather hectic battle with three Slayers, a handful of Watchers, and a lot of demons when Cordelia decided to pop up.

"Alexander Lavelle Harris! I hope you can explain yourself!" Cordelia snapped blasting the demon he was fighting into a solid looking wall.

"Ah... Cordy, I thought you were working for the PTB these days." Xander said, hoping to buy himself time to at least figure out why she was there in an apparently physical body.

"I got a better offer. Funny thing about that though. I find out that you're part of the same group and have been for ten years!" Cordelia slapped him hard.

"One: ow! Two: How would it come up?" Xander asked rubbing his abused cheek.

"Oh, I don't know, stopping by to say 'hi, I'm Ascended too,' would've been nice!"

"Well the PTB and CLAP don't exactly get along, incase you haven't been told." Xander defended.

"You still could've said something!"

"I didn't want to get you in trouble!"

The two of them stood for a long time arguing their point, blasting any demon that got to close, before finally deciding to go for ice cream and catch up.

Chase rolled his eyes as he held open the door for House as the entered the hospital bright and early Monday morning. "What offends you more; that you didn't know, or that I viewed you as a toy?"

House snorted as he strode along the path towards his office, only having to be gently mentally prodded once to remember to project his former appearance. "Oh, why settle for just one."

Amused Chase nodded at a passing nurse. "Look at it this way; why wouldn't you have a trickster hanging around you?"

"So you're a trickster?" House asked casually, adding that to the small, but growing pile of clues as to his ducklings real identity.

"I've been called that a time or two." Chase conceded, knowing that House was enjoying the puzzle that Chase now presented.

They were in the elevator before House spoke again. "You do have a point. I should have mischief sprits basking at my feet."

Snorting Chase could only appreciate House's honest ego. A rare trait in a human. Especially one as... condescending as he was. "More like enjoy the diversion your antics cause."

"Hey, I'm more than a mere diversion."

Notes: The Lanteans are I think what the Ancients/Ori called themselves. Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't have the internet at home so I can check that.
Also suggestions on Chase's real name would be muchly appreciated. I still have no clue.
CLAP, which I don't think I clarified enough yet, predates the Lanteans Ascending. They are not the only people to have Ascended. And in the time when the Lanteans were young the Ascended hanging around then had their own misfits and meddlers that formed the Chaos Legion.
Although the first Lantean to Ascend did join CLAP, and does not get along with the other Lanteans. Think of him as the Lanteans answer to Rodney McKay, only a stronger interest in biology rather than mechanics. He mostly drifts around early life planets prodding at the microscopic life forms. He's an OC I've been working on a few years for using in an Atlantis fic if I can ever think of a good enough plot.
Other Members of CLAP:
The dog Ascended is Lojack from Eureka. Tell me he wouldn't be CLAP. Also Nathan is a few months into his own internship but there are a few complications with how he Ascended so thus why he's not back in Eureka. He can't take a physical body at the moment.
Also, I'm having the entire Magnificent Seven Ascended. Ezra was already a member of CLAP doing a human life and ended up sponsoring the entire group. Maude is also a member of CLAP and also Blair Sandburgs mother in a more recent human life. She still can't do the mother thing right, but she's getting a bit better, and both her sons love her anyway.
There is also a Loki Ascended in CLAP. No one knows which is the original, whether the Loki that SG-1 keep running into is a clone of Loki, or if they just have the same name. But there are two Loki's running around. One in CLAP one a scientist.
Janus is a member of CLAP not with the other Lanteans. He likes to meddle in things that would get him bitch slapped by them to much.
Suggestions for other members of CLAP would be fun to discuss if nothing else. Or even other people writing about them.