Title: Your Friendly Radioactive Alien From Utah
Author: Lady FoxFire
Warning: not bashing but not friendly to Buffy and Willow
Category(s): Crossover (Stargate SG-1/Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Time Line: Post graduation for Buffy and early season 3 for StarGate SG-1
Summary: There is a very good reason why your mother tells you to never pick up hitchhikers, and Colonel O’Neill is going to find out why.
Disclaimer: As darkness settled over the grave yard the dirty on a new grave move. Suddenly a hand thrust itself out of the soft earth, soon another hand joined the first. Slowly the vampire pulled its way out of its grave. As his torso cleared the earth the vampire stopped and said, “Lady FoxFire does not own the Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the stupid morans for not giving Xander his own show. Also she does not own StarGate SG-1 nor doesn’t she make any money from this fic.” The vampire started to pull himself out once again only to slide back in. “Ummm… I think I’m stuck. Could I get some help? Hello? Need some help here. Anyone? Hello?”
Bad Author Notes: Once again I have returned to the universe in which a Hellmouth exist in California instead of Washington DC and Egypt was once ruled by water snakes who like to set up house in someone’s body and take control. What can I say… I like Jack and I like Xander and the two together is chaos in the making. No wonders, no slash involved just some nice WTF moments.
Colonel Jack O'Neill was driving down the highway when he spied a thin column of smoke rising into the sky in the distance. Jack's eyes narrowed as he drew closer and closer to the source of the smoke.
As burned out remains of a car sitting on the side of the road came into view Jack started slowing down a little.
Letting the truck roll slowly forward as he took in the sight of the smoldering car, Jack also looked around to see if anyone needed aid.
Reaching down, Jack plucked his cell phone from his belt. With his eyes scanning the surrounding area, Jack punched a few buttons and brought the phone to his ear, only to pull it away again. Looking at the display and seeing no bars, Jack grumbled, "Nationwide coverage my ass."
Sighing Jack looked around one more time before he pressed down on the accelerator. "With my luck I'll find a lunatic with an ax," he grumbled.
Farther down the road Jack caught sight of someone walking along the side of the road. "Right, ax murderer right on schedule," the figure turned around and held out his thumb, "or maybe it's the teenager the ax murderer is after," he mumbled to himself as he turned on his blinkers and started to slow down.
The teen ran up to where Jack had pulled off onto the side of the road to wait for him.
"Need a ride, kid?" Jack asked as the panting kid reached the passenger side door.
"Oh yeah," The kid said as he opened the door and climbed in. "Thanks for picking me up."
"Not a problem," Jack said as he checked his mirrors before pulling back onto the road. "Where you heading?"
"Colorado. Central Colorado," the kid replied. "Umm… did you happen to see a burning car back that way?" The kid pointed a thumb back in the direction they had come.
"Yeah but it wasn't burning when I drove past," Jack replied glancing over at the kid.
"Oh good," the kid relaxed in his seat. "I wasn't sure it would go out."
Jack looked over at the kid, an eyebrow raised questioningly. "That was your car?" he asked.
"Yeah," the kid replied glumly. "I was driving along when the song Disco Inferno starts coming over the radio. Next thing I know there a puff of smoke from the engine. Pulled off the side, grabbed my backpack and bailed out of the car. I turned around to look at it and it's engulfed in flames. Since no one came to investigate I started walking, hoping to run into someone."
"Damn," Jack shook his head. "Damn. I mean talk about bad luck. By the way, name's Jack."
"Xander," the kid said in reply. "If you want to talk about luck you should ask me about the first car I started my trip with."
"First car?" Jack said.
"1957 Chevy aqua-blue Bel Air convertible. My parents made me buy it from my uncle," Xander explained with a shrug of his shoulders. "Anyways I was driving along, an hour and a half, maybe two hours away from the California/Nevada border when the engine fell out literately. Engine fell down and car rolled over it. Tore the undercarriage to shreds."
"Ouch," Jack said in sympathy.
"Spent the rest of the summer up until 3 days ago working as a dishwasher/bartender at a strip club so I could save up to buy the flaming road side attraction back there," Xander said.
"No one to call back at home for help?" Jack asked.
Xander shook his head. "Nope. Parents are alkies and my friends… well they kind of think that I'm useless. Have two car self destruct will pretty much prove it to them."
"You need better friends," Jack growled.
"They're the best choice I had," Xander admitted. "At least they didn't try to kill me… often."
Jack looked over at Xander.
"Ex-girlfriends," Xander answered Jack's unspoken question.
"You know what, Xander," Jack said a few minutes later.
"I don't think you should even go home," Jack said.
Xander let out a bark like laugh. "You don't know the half of it trust me. So how far are you heading?"
"Colorado Springs," Jack replied.
"Where's that, besides in Colorado, I assume," Xander asked.
"About 2 hrs south of Denver," Jack sped up to pass a slower car on the left.
"Any chance of bumming a ride that far?" Xander answered tentatively.
Jack shrugged his shoulder. "Sure, as long as the engine doesn't fall out or suddenly catch fire, I’ve got no problem with it."
"We'll probably be abducted by aliens before either one of those happens," Xander commented.
Jack glanced over at Xander then up at the heavens. "Well we better hope that doesn't happen."
"Yeah. I really don't want to experience an anal probe," Xander replied with a shiver. "And why do aliens always conduct anal probes on some poor sucker?"
"They're looking for the person's head," Jack replied with a snort.
"I know I'm going to regret this but why would an alien look for someone's head up… their ass. Never mind," Xander shook his head.
Jack chuckled at Xander's reaction.
The miles sped by as the two men debated about the Simpsons and which character was the better, Homer or Bart from there the drifted into the realm of comic books, video games and television.
It was near the Utah-Colorado board that Xander asked, "Do you believe in magic, Jack?"
"One man's magic is another man's religion and a third man's science," Jack replied.
"So that’s a no?" Xander asked questioningly.
"No. I can't say I’ve seen anything that couldn't be explained by science," Jack replied with a chuckle.
"I have," Xander said softly. "You see it turns out a friend of mine put a spell on me."
Jack glanced over at Xander. "A spell? What this spell supposed to do?"
"Make me come home at the end of summer or September; some time around then," Xander admitted with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Doesn’t sound so bad," Jack said.
"Except that a messenger of some people really high up on the magical ladder said that if I go back home something bad will happen," Xander said.
Jack snorted. "And you believe them?"
"They have a pretty good track record," Xander admitted glumly.
"You can't rely on others to live you life, kid. You got to make your own choices," Jack said.
Xander sighed. "Yeah I know. It's just they said that my friend's spell had a limit. That if I could cross the board into Colorado all of her spells on me will be broken."
"So that’s why you're going to Colorado," Jack said in disbelief. "Trying to break this spell?"
Xander nodded his head. "Yeah. The closer to center of Colorado, the better," he answered simply. "Just do me one favor, Jack."
"What's that?" Jack asked as he once again glanced over at his passenger.
"Once we cross the border," Xander nodded to the 'Now leaving Utah' sign, "no matter what happens don't stop, don't turn back, don't stop," Xander let out a gasp of pain. "Just keep driving."
Jack looked over to the younger man only to find his face contorted with pain and his whole body softly glowing.
"Don't stop," Xander gasped through the pain as the glow surrounding him became slightly brighter. "Keep driving."
"We're about 5 and half to 6 hours outside of Colorado Springs," Jack stated as he pressed down on the accelerator.
"I'm trusting you on this, Jack," Xander said as he bit his lip through the pain. "Don't know what she did to me but it hurts."
"How bad?" Jack inquired as he tried to make a decision.
Xander's face twisted up in pain as another wave of magic went through him. "Like the football team used me as a tackle dummy again."
"We're not far from a hospital," Jack suggested.
Xander shook his head. "No. Nothing they could do for me anyway. It's the spells she laid on me breaking down, unraveling," Xander said through gritted teeth. "The farther we are from the border the better it will be. I hope."
Jack glanced over at Xander, his eyes gauging the glow surrounding and the pain in the young man's face. "What about a airlift?"
Xander glanced over to the older man. "You mean like life flight, a helicopter?"
Jack nodded his head. "We could have you flown to Colorado Spring or further away if necessary."
Xander was quiet for a moment before saying, "Too dangerous. No way to know how this would react. Too many lives lost if it does. Besides how could we get a helicopter?"
"I know some people," Jack said slyly. "They owe me some favors I could call in."
Xander blinked a couple of times in surprise. "Why? You just met me."
"It's what friends do," Jack replied. "Something I'm guess you're not used to if your friends did this to you."
"Once," Xander said through the pain. "Knew it once but he died."
Jack glanced over at Xander; not because of the words the young man said but for the tone. "Yeah. I know how that is. So if we get pulled over for speeding do you think the police will believe you're radioactive?"
Xander snorted. "We could tell them that I'm some type of glowing alien you picked up in Nevada."
"Yeah but I picked up you in Utah," Jack replied without missing a beat.
"So I'm a radioactive glowing alien with a bad sense of direction," Xander said with a smirk.
"Won't be the first time," Jack mumbled softly to himself as his truck increased speed.
It was a little over 4 hours later when Jack pulled up to the gate for the Cheyenne Mountain military base. By this time Xander was exhausted from the pain and the glow surrounding him had grown until it blurred his appearance.
"Colonel O'Neill, sir," the guard saluted as he saw Jack, his eyes then moving over to the passenger seat. "Sir?"
"Nothing to concern yourself about soldier," Jack said.
"Just your friendly radioactive alien from Utah," Xander said with a tired, pain filled chuckle.
The soldier took an involuntary step back at the mention of radioactive.
Jack shook his head. "Contact the base and have a medical team meet me upside," he ordered.
"Yes, sir," the guard said as his training took over as he hit the switch that raised the gate. While Colonel O'Neill drove through the gate, the soldier called the base.
As Jack pulled his truck to a stop and put it in park, a soldier dressed in radioactive protection suit appeared with a Geiger counter in hand.
"Oh for crying out loud," Jack exclaimed. "We're not radioactive!"
"Sir," a muffled voice came from the suit, "That was not what was reported."
Jack turned and glared at Xander as the soldier took readings. "This is your fault."
Xander chuckled painfully. "I live to serve… and torment."
"They're clear," The soldier announced as he pulled off the hood of his suit as he backed away to give the medical team a chance to get in.
Dr. Janet Fraiser came around to the passenger side and to her glowing patient. "And who do we have here?" Apparently unruffled, she began to examine her patient, as if someone showing up at SGC, glowing was an every day occurrence.
"Xander. Never did get your last name. Picked him up in Utah, didn't start doing his flashlight impersonation until we hit Colorado," Jack replied.
"It's Harris," Xander said softly as he panted through the pain. "Alexander Harris but please call me Xander."
Janet smiled reassuringly. "Ok Xander. Can you tell me what hurts?"
"Everything," Xander said with a grimace. "It's the magic unraveling. Shit! Damn that hurt!" he exclaimed as another wave of pain hit him. "Don't know how many more of those I can take."
Dr. Fraiser glanced over at Colonel O'Neill at the use of the word 'magic' only to have the man shrug his shoulders.
"Alright," Fraiser said. "We need to move you down to the base hospital. Do you think you can walk?"
"Yeah, I think…" Xander was saying just before another wave of magic rocked through his body. The light surrounding him grew to the point that everyone around him turned away from the light and then suddenly there was darkness.
As their eyes cleared the medical team and Jack turned their attention back to Xander only to find him slumped in the passenger seat, the seat belt holding him in place.
Fraiser quickly moved into action, looking for a pulse. She nodded her head sharply when she found it. "He's just unconscious," she stated. "Let's get him down to the hospital. That includes you too, Colonel. We have no idea what you've been exposed to."
Jack sighed. "I kind of figured that when he started to glow," he said as he followed the medical team towards the elevator.
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