I was possessed by Sirius and he wanted the real will to be published. Please note that I did not read any of the books after 5, so I don't care if this fic isn't canon.
I, Sirius James 'damn I wish my middle name was Orion so that way people would know my mum was a bitch' Black, being of sound mind and don't you dare start Moony, hereby declare this to be my last will and testament. And for those of you who are to slow to get it if I had been named Sirius Orion Black instead of Sirius James Black everyone would know I was the son of a BITCH.
Ok now that legal shit is done let me be the first to say I hope I went out with a nice groan as I buried my cock into the pussy of that nice red haired chit from down the street. You know the one Moony. She's the one with the really BIG breasts who's always walking her dog past the house at 4:30. Damn I wonder if she likes it doggie style.
And if it's wasn't a woman riding me hard to the grave I hope I went out fighting although I honestly prefer the red head bouncing on my dick. But if I did go out fighting I hope they died too and I wasn't shot in the back by some damn Auror who used his wand to get his jollies instead of between the legs of some nice young thing.
So let's get down to some Sirius business. Groan all you want Moony.
To Andromeda Tonks, my dear sweet cousin who married her true love even thought it cost her the power and money of the Black family I leave you nothing. I know cousin you were hoping I would reinstate you to the family so that you could collect but to be truthful cousin you don't deserve it. When I was thrown into that Hellhole did you even once speak up for me and ask for a trial? You knew that James and I swore an oath to each other as Blood Brothers, how could you believe that I would violate that oath? Or was it that you like everyone else thought that I believed the shit our family has been spouting for years even though I was the only one to stand up for you when you marry your Teddy Bear? Well remember cousin you reap what you sow, so enjoy.
And the next contestant is the 'oh so proud and very blond' Narcissa Malfoy who before her marriage to Lucy, oh excuse me, Lucius Malfoy had a dark brown hair. Allow me to share a secret with you, Narcissa, you aren't fooling anyone with that as the Muggles call it bleach bottle blond dye job. Hell you can even see the roots. And now that I've released my inner bitch what should I grant you? Should I grant you freedom from Lucy by dissolving your marriage or stock with a Muggle company called Loreal which by the way makes better hair dye than whatever crap you're using. Decisions. Decisions. Well the only way to set this is by the use of the All Knowing Coin. Heads, I dissolve the marriage. Tails, you own stock. And the answer is…. Bye bye Lucy. You are now a free woman Narcissa able to get a job and support your own ass since you are hereby kicked out of the family for having a failed marriage. Don't blame me for this cousin, family law. But to show what a nice cousin I am I'll give you all the stock for Loreal I own which comes to a grand total of 1 share worth whatever the current market value is right now. Don't spend it all in one spot.
To my last and least favorite cousin Bellatrix Lestrange, who I really hope comes to collect what's do her after all I did ask that the Aurors be stationed for this reading just in case. Well cousin we’ve shared a lot over the years, our hatred of each other, our fun time in Azkaban with the Dementors; how can I not give you what you so richly deserve. So I've been trying to figure out which would be the best way to end your miserable life. Avada Kedavra is too quick and probably is painless since it's over so quickly. A Dementor's Kiss has too many unknowns. Is the soul really sucked out or is it just the life force? If it is the soul what happens to it? Is it consumed instantly or slowly digested over centuries? Can a soul escape from the stomach of the Dementors if they have one? I guess the best thing to do would be aim a Reducto at you head and then have a house elf clean up the mess. So dear cousin you just inherited my hope that you died a painful and very messy death and I hope it happens soon.
To my dear second cousin, Draco Malfoy, You don't mind if I called you by the nickname your father gave you do you, Drakey Wakey. When I first meet you after being born my first thoughts were 'Damn that's an ugly baby! Did Narcissa beat you with an ugly stick or did she just mate with a troll?' I mean my cousin was hot when she was a brunette, although now you're looking a bit pasty with the dye job cousin. But you, Drakey Wakey was just ugly with a capital UGH! Well luckily the Black side of the family did kick in after some time so you're no longer as ugly as you were as a kid but it's a shame it made you stupid. Yes Drakey Wakey you're stupid and proud of it. You always do what Lucy tell you to do, think how he wants you to think, act like he wants you to act. Hell you even dress like him. You're not a person you’re a puppet version of Lucy. So my dear second cousin I'm going to leave you three things in the hope that you'll improve yourself. The first is a set of scissors in the hope you'll snip your string even though I doubt you will. The second and the last thing you're inheriting from me is complete set of both the Muggle and Wizard Encyclopedia Britannica. Read them and maybe you'll learn something.
Nymphadora Tonks, you know with a name like that I would go by my last name too. I have no clue what your mother was thinking when she name you that. Hell growing up she hated her first name too. She was always telling everyone her name was Amps. I think it was your father that broke of her of that. While you hate being call Nymphadora and I refuse to call you Tonks, because it reminds me too much of a toy Tonka truck, I hereby christen you Pinkie. All you need to do is find a Brain. Pinkie and the Brain. Pinkie and the Brain. One is a genius and the other's insane. But enough you that. You're here to see what I left for you, whether it's some nice or something nasty and so far I've been handing out the nasty. So depending on your point of view I'm going to give you something sort of nice or the worst thing ever. You see I am doing what I refused to do for your mother, I am reinstating you to the family. Now if you think about our family, I'm sure you're agree you got the worst of the deal. You have an Aunt who's an insane homicidal bitch. Your mother, who I won't say any more about. Another aunt who is a brain dead bleach blond. And last but certainly not least among the deadwood of the Black family tree we have the ignorant piss head Drakey Wakey. So to sweeten the deal I decided to grant you the dowry owed to your mother, as well as the one you would have gotten, and 500,000 gallons. Now all you have to do is go out and find your Brain.
To Fred and George or is it Gred and Feorge, if I ever had brothers outside of the Marauder it would have been you two but alas the red hair gives you away, that is unless you dye your hair like a certain cousin of mine. I'm actually quite stumped about what I should leave you two. I can not leave you my prank books because they're to go to Harry. I can't leave you stock in Zonko's Joke Shop since I don't own any of it and besides it's more fun to prank someone out of business than to buy them out. Therefore I will leave you two bottles of black hair dye, my book on how to pick up loose women and 500,000 gallons each.
Percy Weasley, I am very concerned about your health so I hope you will accept an appointment I had the goblins set up with a Muggle healer who specialize in colonoscopy. Unfortunately Wizard healers are quite ignorant of many health problems that both Muggles and Wizards can develop. Often they leave problems untreated for years until it's a life-threatening problem. And after hearing Ron and Harry speak about you I realized that you shared the same problem my great uncle Caster has suffered and which lead to his death. Please attend this appointment.
Ronald Weasley, you are a git. You let your jealousy overrule what your eyes, heart and your brain are telling you. You have a habit of letting your mouth run away from you so that it gets you in trouble or you wind up hurting someone. You see everything as black and white with no grey. Slytherin is bad; Gryffindor is good but what about Peter Pettigrew? He was Gryffindor and yet he betrayed everyone? Or what about me? I'm from a family so dark it was named Black does that make me dark? The Magical World believed it did and that's why I was thrown into Azkaban without a trial. I would advise you to take off your blinders and see the real world before you truly have to face the consequences of your actions and words. By now you're thinking I'm going to treat you like I have treated some of the others. Believe me I am tempted but I know that if I did Lily would slap me across the head while James laughed his ass off. Everyone always said that James and I were so close we were practically brothers and in truth we fought like brothers more than once. Therefore I am leaving you 500,000 gallons that will be held in trust for you by the Gringotts until your 40th birthday. In the even that you die before that date then the trust will be held for your heirs until their 40th birthday. There are some other constraints to the trust that someone at Gringotts will explain to you later. I suggest you have your brother Bill there so he can translate all the legalese to you. Think of it as protection from any devious woman who wants you for your Pureblood name and money.
Ginny Weasley, stalker girl extraordinaire, the girl voted to most likely to poison you with a love potion or curse you if you disagree with her. The girl who needs to be hit upside the head to get the message that stalking someone since before you even met him is really really wrong. Of course I can't blame you completely, your mother helped with your delusions. Maybe it's something from the Prewett's family, some type of sickness that is only passed from mother to daughter. Of course that doesn't explain Percy. Now I'll tell you a little secret you foolish little girl, you will never be able to use magic on Harry to make him love or marry you. You see it was during my first year at Hogwarts that Apollyon Pringle, who was the caretaker of Hogwarts before Filch, told the Marauders such a horrible tale and we took it to heart. We all took steps to prevent it from ever happening to us or any of our heirs. He told us about a promising young man who was madly in love with an equally promising young woman back in the late '60s. Now there was this other young woman who loved our young man but he didn't love her, he only had eyes for his young woman. So in a fit of madness the girl used a loved potion on the young man making him forget about his love and run away with the girl and get married. The poor woman never did recover from the loss of her love and to this day has never married. Of course we all know what happens when Voldemort's mother stopped giving her love the love potion. I wonder if the girl stopped given her husband the potion if we would have 7 little Voldemort want -to-be's running around? So we Marauders spent time in-between our training to become Animagi finding out ways to prevent the same unfortunate thing from happening to us. And we found it just in time or James would have found himself married to one of the Slytherin skants who wanted him for his name, money, and power. You see we made it nearly impossible for any love potions or charms to make us or any of our heirs to fall in love with anyone. And since nothing is perfect we made sure we're protected by the Gringotts will who test all those involved before any wedding is permitted. And if someone decides to get with child or force our daughters to bear their children and force them into marriage, then I hope they like life in prison at Azkaban for blood theft. Since I seriously doubt you'll be able to make Harry fall in love with you I have selected the best thing I could for you to satisfy that particular itch, anatomically correct life-size blow-up doll with vibrator. Sorry they were out of the one with tongue actions. Enjoy.
Hermione Granger, I'm not sure if you're the stupidest girl of all time or just authority-loving whore. I'm leaning toward authority-loving whore since there is no way Hogwarts standards have dropped so far as to say you're the smartest witch of your generation. Now everyone is either nodding their heads or looking very confused, I'll explain things so everyone is on the same page. In Hermione's first year she just happens to have out the book that just happens to contain the information that they needed about Flamel and his damned stone. And then in the kids' second year, she just happens to be able to brewed a perfect Polyjuice Potion in an unused girls bathroom and it was never discovered. For anyone one who decided to forget everything they learned of potions after passing their O.W.L.S., this potion is a very hard fifth year potion that a second year Muggle born student claimed she made. Of course if you believe she did brew it let me point out how Filch, who I know patrols Hogwarts as if it was his duty to find rule breaking, never had discovered it or that Moaning Myrtle wouldn't have flooded the bathroom. Third year she was given a Time Turner, a Mininsty controlled device that could create a paradox if used incorrectly that could devastate the world and yet it was given by McGonagall to a 13 year old hormone confused child so she can take extra classes. And then after she learned of my innocence, Hermione the great defender of the rights and freedom of others never once looked into what it would take for me to get a fair trial. Which brings me to year 4 in which Hermione tried to make herself into another Lily Evans with her project to free the house elves. While Lily had learned what she could from them Hermione never did for if she did she would have learned that house elves needed to be bonded to a witch or wizard for them to survive. Don't worry about Dobby, Harry, the little scamp has already bonded to you. And while trying to free the house elves, you were always there for Harry, encouraging him, pointing him in the right directions, reporting back to Dumbledore like a good like spy. And then this past summer you refused to contact Harry on Dumbledore's orders even thought no reason was given. Now I can understand you not wanting to use an owl in case a Deathie follows it and tries to get past Dumbledore’s so called Blood Wards but you are a Muggleborn. Hello! Can you say telephone, which from what I've heard even Ron a Pureblood knows how to use. Or you could have mailed him a letter. By now I can image you denying all of this after all you don't want people to see the real you, they probably won't like it. So to help everyone understand the real you, I am giving you a gift certificate to the Chains and Punishment. I'm sure Master Hawk will be able to help you find the perfect black leather dominatrix catsuit with thigh-length high-heeled boots for you. Don't forget to get a whip so you whip anyone who disobeys until they become good little slaves.
And next is the king of the Weasley clan and I don't mean you Molly, Arthur Weasley. Now to answer the question you're probably wondering about… Yes, it is. Now the real question is what do you do about it? I will leave you to solve that problem yourself. Now to thank you for being there for Harry, I am leaving you 50,000 pounds that’s Muggle money Arthur to go shopping in a Muggle electronic store. Buy whatever you want Arthur. No one else can touch this money. In addition to that I am leaving you 250,000 gallons to spend whatever way you feel fit. And no matter what you decide the money is for your use only, Molly can't touch a Knut of it. I wish you luck, Arthur.
To Molly Weasley, I suggest you stop gnashing your teeth before you have to visit Healer to have them fixed. They say that the truth has a way of making itself known and I guess that is true. I am of mixed emotions when it comes to you Molly. There are many things I could say to you about how you treat Harry and your own children. One minute you are an overprotective mother and the next you are ill-tempered shrew. You never once encouraged one of your children to do something they liked if you disapproved of it. You went out of your way to try to squash the dreams of Fred and George. You often demand that your eldest son change his appearance and attitude. And I don't dare to bring up how you treat other people, myself included. I could go on pointing out things but I know it won't matter; you would either ignore my advice or dismiss it completely. So I decide to give you a Mirror of Truth. Whenever you look in it you will see nothing but the truth no matter how painful it is.
My dear, Professor McGonagall… Minerva, I am left wondering when and how you lost your way. When I was a student you were always there for us. You knew when a student suffered from homesickness and were there for them. When we needed your help with our schoolwork your door was always opened. You knew when we were up to no good and you make sure we never went too far. But when I talk to Harry and the other about you it's like you're a completely different person. Now when a student comes to you with a concern you blow them off without investigating. When there is evidence of problems at home, you do not question the child or look in on them during breaks or during the summer. When a fellow teacher starts to abuse and harm your students you tell them to suck it up and don't cause problems! To be honest Minerva, I don't know what to leave you. What do you give to a woman who no longer exists? Therefore I am leaving you an antique bronze oil lamp so that someday you might find yourself again. I can only hope that is soon so that the children can know the real Minerva McGonagall.
To Severus Snape, I bet you expect me to tell you that I hate you. To be honest I don't hate you. Oh I did hate you in school but since then I've learned you're not worth the time to hate. That’s right Snape, I said you are not worth my time. I look at the man you have become and I'm torn with disgust and pity. That’s right Severus I pity you. You had the talents to become a great potion master yet you waste them for the illusion of respect from a Dark Lord want-to-be. And then when you finally realized the mistake you made you went to Dumblejerk… I will admit he even had me fooled with his act. So when Voldie was defeated you were trapped in the role of teacher for your new light master and instead of trying to make something good out of it you turned on those whose were innocent. How many students did you drive to tears, Severus? How many dreams of did you crush? By now you have your nose in the air and a snarl on your face as you tried to blame others for your actions, for you joining the Death Eaters and for the poor performance of your students. Well grow up Snape! You claim it was the Marauders that drove you to become a Death Eater. Well I don't remember holding a wand to your head and forcing you to take it. You took the mark because you wanted it. No one forced you. You call your students dunderhead, stupid, not worth your time well it is you who are not worth their time. Open your eyes Snape and see the real world and stop whining about the past. The past is just that the past. So fucking grow up!
To Cornelius Fudge, I'm willing to bet you were probably very surprised to see your name listed as one of the beneficiaries of my death, ain't you Fudgey. I mean what would an escaped convicted murderer and betrayer have to give you? That's the thing Fudgey I was never convicted. I was thrown into prison based on my name, not because I was guilty. While I sat in that dank and dreary prison cell for a crime I did not commit I was left wondering why, since we imprison people based on the corruption of the blood, was Albus Dumbledore not in prison too since he undoubtably shares his brother’s taste in farm animals. And speaking of the corruption of the blood what about your family's dark secret Fudgey? I wonder how the world will react when they find out grandpa Fudgey likes to dress up in women's clothing and entertain gentlemen at night? I mean since I was a convicted of being a traitor and murderer because people believe my family is dark what kind of image will you present to the world as Minister Fudge Packer. Really Fudge you should know by know it's not who controls the purse stings but he who knows all the secrets and that one thing my family did very well. Well in order to relieve you of that stress and worry that people will find out the secret of my innocence or any of the other Ministry secrets you’ve been keeping hidden, I had the goblins deliver a copy of my memories of the events leading up to my false imprisonment including the condition and treatment of prisoners inside that hell hole you call a prison and my escape to ICW at the start of the reading of my Will. I'm sure you'll hear from the ICW and groups dealing with human rights very shortly. Enjoy.
Albus Dumbledore, as I was growing up I looked upon you as an almost mythical hero of the light, someone who would defend the innocent and punished the guilty. And when I finally able to meet you and get to know you as the Headmaster I found you to be warrior who sought peace. When I was in Azkaban I looked upon you as human who made a mistake or overlooked a simple fact but I knew in time you would realize the mistake and free me from that hellhole. When you sent Granger and Harry to free me before I was kissed, I knew you would work as hard as humanly possible to set things right and reunite me with my godson. And then this past Christmas when I finally able to spend time with Harry, I was finally able to removed the blinders from my eyes and see you as for what you really are. You're the creepy old man who lives down the street that likes boys and girls, the type good mothers and fathers tell their children to stay away from. I am left thinking of all those who died in your name, those who have been driven insane or damaged beyond the skills our healers to fix. I am left thinking about the children who will never feel their mother's kisses or their father's hugs. I am left wondering what happened to the hero, the man I once believed in. I am left wondering if everything I did, everything I believed in was a lie or the machination of creepy old man who strives to recapture something he lost or he never had. So to you Albus Dumbledore I leave you nothing for that is exactly what you are.
To my friend and almost brother, Remus Lupin, I leave you 1 million galleons and my cabin in the wilds of Canada. I know you don't want to accept it my brother but think of it this way you now have a safe place to let your wolf run wild plus the funds so that if you happen to meet your Pinky, then Pinky and the Brain can raise a litter of cubs. Now on a more Sirius note… I don't want you to go all depressed and gloomy, it just makes you look like a kicked puppy… but then again maybe if you do look like a kicked puppy, Pinky will grab you up and love you and pet you and call you George. Oh and just in case you don't get the reference I've asked the goblins to purchase a copy of every single Warner Brother cartoon ever made. Just think it will be something else you can do on the long cold Canadian nights. Live a good long life Moony because if you join us too soon I'm sure Lily will be happy to kick your ass with James and me cheering her on.
To my godson Harry Potter I leave you everything else that I haven't already given away. More than once I wished I could trade everything away even my magic if only I could escape Azkaban and take you away to someplace safe. And then when I finally got to see you after all those years I wished that I could go back in time and save Lily and James or at the very least kick my ass for going after that rat. Of course as soon as I think about it I remember the creepy old man Dumbledore and realize it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Harry as you grew up and I'm sorry I can't be there for you now.
Do you know Harry that you are simply amazing? I think about what I know about your life with you aunt and uncle and what you've gone through since you've rejoined the magical world and I'm simply amazed at how you turned out. I know that people tell you how much you are like your father but they're blind. You're so much more than James ever was. You're what James tried to be but failed to be.
You have Lily's single minded drive and the ability to look past what someone looks like or what other's say about them to see the real person, to see their soul. You have James's honor and his joy of life. Even when things were bad, he knew that life would get better. You have all of that and so much more but within you it seems to be purer.
Now that I got the mushy parts out of the way it's time for your hound dog godfather to set you on the straight and narrow. And yes Moony I know Lily will kick my ass for this but it needs to be done. In life girls come in 4 different types. You have the nice and honest types; they're the type you take home to mother and if can you teach them how to be a little bit of 'dirty' they're the ones you want to bear your children. There are the fun girls, the ones who know how to be 'dirty' and make you enjoy life after they settle down a bit then they become the marrying type. Then you have the bad girls, a roll in the hay, a slap on the ass and then run for the hills. These girls will never be the marrying types. And finally you have the Bitches, like the red hair chit that’s been trying to get your attention. If you get involved with them, fuck them both literally and figuratively but never turn your back on them for they will stab you in the back as they rob you blind while cutting your balls off.
So do your old dogfather a favor go out into the real world, away from all the two face back stabbing know it all bigots and find some girls whether or not they're bad girls, fun girls or nice girls are up to you. And if at all possible go back to my latest prison and look for that nice big chested red haired chit down the street who walks her dog past the house, Moony will point her out for you. And see if she likes it doggie style.
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