Dying to Live by kirallie

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It had been three days and they hadn’t heard back from the wolves yet. Dean was getting more agitated each day while Sam was perfectly calm. He’d spent the time getting to know the Cullen’s and Bella and found he genuinely liked them all. Bella was the most sympathetic to their plight since she wanted Edward to change her and he was refusing, even without considering the treaty. Rosalie still kept her distance but had warmed to him a little since he’d made a bunch of shape shifters back down by just glaring at them. Jasper spent time discussing history with him; much to the others surprise but Sam didn’t smell as much like food as most humans.

Sam straightened up as the Cullen’s in the room tensed, noses wrinkling in distaste. He looked to Bella and she moved over to sit next to him. Even surrounded by vampires and barley able to walk Sam still never went unarmed so he was the last line of defence for himself and Bella if anything happened. Bella’s eyes widened as he slipped his gun out from the back of his jeans to sit in his lap, ready to be used. He reached out and tugged Bella’s arm, indicating for her to curl up behind him and she did as he asked. They waited silently and Sam tensed, half raising the gun but then he lowered it as Alice ran in with a smile on her face.

“Alice?” Bella asked and Alice hugged her.

“Great news, they’re granting the exception. Dean can change Sam!” Alice bounced and Bella gave Sam a smile.
“Oh, but they want to see you again.”She said to Sam who nodded. He gasped as Alice lifted him, despite their differences in height. He bit his lip as he heard some of those outside chuckle at the sight of Alice carrying him and then he was being passed to someone else. Being held by Emmett was a lot less embarrassing. Sam turned his head to look at Billy and Jacob Black.

“Hi again.” He greeted them with a smile and Billy nodded, Jacob just shifted uncomfortably.

“You heard?” Billy asked and Sam nodded.

“Thank you.”

“You’re thanking us for this?” Jacob grumbled and Sam rolled his eyes.

“I’ve made my choice and I have no doubts. This is what I want.” Sam told him firmly.

“Whatever.” Jacob turned and ran, body exploding into that of a wolf. Billy sighed and shook his head as Bella came outside.

“I’ll drive Billy back.” Bella offered and they left.

“Dean should be back from hunting soon, we’ll let you tell him the good news.” Alice told Sam and then ran off with Jasper.

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Dean sat and watched Sam sleep, from the others he knew something big had happened while he was gone looking for something to eat but Sam had been fast asleep when he’d returned and he couldn’t bear to wake him. Sam looked so peaceful in sleep that it was easy to pretend everything was fine, that Sam was healthy and didn’t have a literal demon after him. He carefully brushed Sam’s hair back and hazel eyes fluttered open, Sam smiling at the familiar touch.

“Hey.” Sam croaked and Dean held the glass so Sam could sip some water.

“Hey sleepyhead. How are you feeling?”

“Tired, a little sick.” Sam had finally stopped trying to hide how he felt.
“Have a good meal?”

“Deer.” Dean pulled a face and Sam laughed softly.
“So what happened while I was gone? Even Rosalie looked happy.” His question got him a big smile and a gentle kiss.

“Bill and Jacob Black came over. The council said yes.” It took a few moments for Dean to realise what Sam was saying and then he let out a shout of happiness, picking Sam up to hug him. He kissed Sam and then peppered his face and neck with little kisses, making Sam laugh again.

“You really want this? You can say no if you’ve changed your mind. I don’t want you to feel pressured if you don’t want this.” Dean babbled and Sam rolled his eyes.

“Dean I’ve made my choice. I want you forever, being a vampire is just the way for that to happen. I trust you and I want to be with you.” Sam told him sincerely and Dean smiled.

“Carlisle said we have to do it by injection so there’s no risk of contact with your blood. All up it means six injections, your neck, wrists, ankles and then your heart. Usually I’d bite those areas, other than your heart so we want to keep it as similar to a normal change as possible.” Dean explained and Sam nodded in understanding, snuggling closer.
“Um...when do you want to do this?” Dean asked hesitantly and Sam thought about it.

“I think I’d like to see Bobby, say goodbye.” Sam admitted and Dean nodded in understanding.

“We should go soon then, Thursday?” He asked and Sam nodded.
“Are you scared?”

“A little, more nervous though.” Sam admitted and Dean hugged him close.

“It’ll be okay, I’ll be there the whole time and when you wake up I’ll be the first thing you see.”

“Is the pain really that bad?”

“Yeah, but Carlisle said we can overdose you on morphine first, he’s hoping if we get enough of it into you before the venom gets through your veins it might help the pain. Its three days of feeling like you’re burning but then it stops. You have to focus on your memories as much as possible during the change. Human memories begin to fade fairly quickly unless you work on keeping them.” Dean explained, again. They’d been over it before but he wanted Sam to be sure.

“I understand.” Sam whispered. He didn’t want to forget his Dad or Bobby or any of the people he knew though he wouldn’t mind forgetting about the demon.

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Bobby practically ran to the door as he heard a very familiar engine. Sure enough the Impala was parked in front of his house. He watched as Dean got out of the driver’s seat and then opened the back door. He reached in and gently lifted Sam out. Bobby swallowed as he saw how sick the kid had become in the few weeks since he’d seen him. But his eyes were bright and alert and Sam smiled as he saw him.

“Hey Bobby.” Sam called weakly and Bobby smiled at him.

“Hey Sam, Dean, come on inside.” He held the door open for Dean who gave him a grateful smile. He hovered as Dean got Sam settled on the couch and then he reached out to take Sam’s hand, it was thin and cool in his grip. He was losing the person closest to a son he had and there was nothing he could do about it.
“What brings you my way?” Bobby asked, trying to keep the grief from his voice.

“Wanted to see you again.” Sam answered softly.

“Sam...”

“Please don’t be mad at me Bobby but I don’t want to die and I love Dean, I can’t lose him.” Sam babbled and Bobby realised Sam had agreed to Dean’s offer.

“It’s okay son. I just want you to be happy. And I know John would too.” He added knowing his Dad’s reaction would be weighing on Sam’s mind even if he didn’t say anything.

“I’m gonna miss you Bobby.” Sam reached up and Bobby accepted the offer of a hug, hiding the tears in Sam’s shirt.

“I’ll never turn you away if you need me Sam.” He whispered, despite knowing he’d never see Sam again after they left. When they separated he noticed Dean had left the room to give them privacy which he was grateful for.
“Ellen called, she got your warning. The Roadhouse is gonna need to be rebuilt but they got out okay.” Bobby told him and Sam smiled in relief.

“Good.” Sam broke into a coughing fit and Booby held him upright through it.

“How long?” He asked softly and Sam sighed.

“Less than a month. Dean said the sooner we do this the better, less chance of something going wrong. I’m scared Bobby, I want this but...they said it can affect your memories. I don’t want to forget you or Dad.” Sam admitted and Bobby swallowed. Sam could forget him and John?

“It won’t happen Sam, you’re too stubborn to forget us and you’ll have Dean there to remind you.” Bobby assured him despite the fear growing in his heart. He looked up as Dean returned with a glass of water and a bottle of pills for Sam. He saw the way they smiled at each other and knew that Dean would never let anything hurt Sam except over his dead body. That made him feel better about what was coming even though he wished he could keep Sam with him. But he couldn’t stop Sam from dying and Dean could.

“I told Bobby that you can call him once you’re in control.” Dean added and Sam smiled at him, grateful that he’d be able to let Bobby know he was okay.

Dean made himself scarce for the next few days, giving them time to make memories and say goodbye. He didn’t mind doing it; he’d have centuries with Sam once it was done but Sam would never see Bobby again and would probably forget him in time.

“Here Sam, so if you forget you can try jogging your memory.” Bobby passes a box to Sam who was laying in the Impala’s backseat. Sam opened the box and smiled at the photos documenting his childhood and all the trips to Bobby’s over the years.

“Thanks.” Sam was fighting tears and so was Bobby. He reached up shakily and Bobby let him hug him, returning it gently.

“Goodbye Sam. I guess I’ll talk to you in about a year or so.” Bobby shuffled his feet and balled his cap up in his fists.

“Be careful hunting Bobby, you’re not as young as you used to be.” Sam told him and Bobby nodded. He turned to Dean then and offered his hand. Dean smiled sadly and shook it.

“Take care of him Dean, and yourself.”

“I will Bobby, he’s the most important thing in the world to me.” Bobby stepped back and watched until the Impala was long gone from sight. He’d lost both Winchester’s now and it hurt. He took a deep breath and headed inside, he’d have to start spreading word of the kid’s death but he’d make it a Hunter’s death. Sam Winchester would be remembered for going out while fighting.

---------------------------------
Dean opened the motel room door and froze before rushing to Sam’s side. He gently lifted him from the fall where he’d collapsed and placed him back on the bed.

“Sam? Sammy come on answer me. Don’t do this to me.” Dean begged, slapping Sam’s cheeks lightly to try and bring him around. Sam was cool to the touch, his pulse racing and yet his hair was plastered to his skin by sweat. He relaxed a little when Sam moaned softly, eyelids fluttering.
“That’s it Sam, come on wake up now.” He coaxed and then smiled as Sam opened his eyes. They wouldn’t focus properly but Sam seemed aware he was there.
“Hey, Sam come on, talk to me.”

“De...an.”

“That’s right, I’m here.” Dean lifted him so he was resting against Dean’s chest.

“Cold.” Sam shivered and Dean wrapped them in the comforter, wishing he had body heat to share.

“It’s okay.” He rocked Sam gently as he slipped into sleep and then grabbed his phone.

“Carlisle I don’t think we can wait any longer. He’s gotten worse, I thought he was dead for a second.” Dean rushed out as soon as Carlisle picked up.

“Dean calm down son. How is Sam?”

“Asleep for now. I just went to get him some food. I found him on the floor unconscious and he was barely breathing. He was cold but sweating, his heart was racing and even when he woke up his eyes wouldn’t focus properly and he was pretty out of it.” Dean explained quickly.

“I don’t think you should risk trying to get him back here. Find somewhere as far from others as you can and make him comfortable. I can come if you want but you have everything you need with you.” Carlisle told him and Dean swallowed, could he do this alone.

“Okay. I’ll call you once it’s done.” Dean hung up and began making preparations. He wanted to get everything done while Sam was unconscious. Thanks to the Cullen family accounts it wasn’t very long until he was the proud owner of a small hunting cabin nearby.

Once he had Sam settled into the cabin he got out the prepared syringes and a bottle. The bottle was full of morphine, enough to easily kill someone. The others had venom, his venom collected since the wolves had agreed to Sam being changed. He didn’t like the thought of anyone else’s venom entering Sam’s veins, even Carlisle’s. He set the supplies down and then pulled Sam up into his arms.

“Sam I need you to wake up. Come on Sammy, let me see those hazel eyes.” For the last time. Maybe it would have been kinder to do it while Sam was unconscious and wouldn’t feel anything but Dean needed to see Sam’s eyes one last time, to know that this was what Sam wanted. He would miss Sam’s eyes the most and then his warmth. He hated the thought of Sam’s eyes being the crimson of a newborn but it was unavoidable and he would accept it until Sam’s eyes changed to match the butterscotch of his own. Hazel eyes slowly fluttered open and hazily focused on him, a small smile stretching across Sam’s face.

“Dean? What’s goin’ on?” Sam asked, still a bit out of it.

“It’s okay Sam. We’re at a hunting cabin. It’s time Sammy.” Dean told him and Sam blinked hazily at him before understanding what he meant.

“Okay. Love you Dean.” Sam whispered and clumsily grabbed Dean’s hand, holding on as tight as he could which wasn’t very tightly anymore. Dean picked up the bottle and filled the first syringe. He placed it at a vein and then stopped to look at Sam again. Sam smiled and squeezed his hand.
“Trust you. Do it.”

“I love you Sam. It’ll be okay. Just remember what we talked about, you have to focus on your memories Sam. I know it’ll feel like the pain will never end but it will and I’ll be here.” Dean told him, voice catching and Sam nodded, still smiling up at him. Dean took a deep breath and then inserted the syringe and emptied it into Sam’s veins. Sam’s eyes began to get heavy almost immediately and Dean picked up the next syringe, placing it against the vein in his neck.
“I’m sorry Sam.” He whispered and then injected the first dose of venom. He moved to his wrists and then his ankles, his hand shaking slightly as he pushed the venom into Sam. He picked up the last one and held it above Sam’s already struggling heart, thanks to the morphine overdose. He took another unneeded deep breath and plunged it in. Sam’s back arched and his eyes opened in shock. Dean gently pressed him back to the mattress, eyes burning from tears he didn’t have.
“It’s okay Sam, I’m here.” He soothed as Sam convulsed, gasping for breath but not screaming. Dean was pretty sure he had been screaming by this point so maybe the morphine was helping a bit. When Sam went limp Dean picked up his phone.

“Dean?”

“It’s done. I think the morphine’s doing something ‘cause he’s not screaming yet.”

“That’s good Dean. Will you be alright or do you want someone to come?”

“I want to do this myself Dad.” Dean told him and Carlisle smiled softly.

“Okay. But call if you need anything. Remember he’ll be a newborn so you need to be careful.” Carlisle cautioned him.

“I know.” Dean put his phone away and settled in for the longest three days of his life. He ended up calling Carlisle several times as time progressed because even with the morphine Sam should have been screaming and yet he was dead silent. The only reason Dean wasn’t in full panic mode was because of Sam’s laboured heartbeat as it fought the venom. Dean tensed as he heard Sam’s heartbeat slow even further as the full amount of venom finally hit it. A beat.....then another.......and another................and a beat.................another beat. What was taking so long? Shouldn’t it have stopped yet? He fought the urge to touch Sam as he moaned, the first noise he’d made in over forty hours. Newborns were volatile and he didn’t want to risk Sam reacting since he had no one to help him if Sam fought him. Another moan and Sam’s hand twitched on the bed. He seemed to be beginning to wake up but it was nothing like when Dean had been changed, Sam’s heart should have fully stopped by now and yet it was still beating though far too slowly to support life. Dean moved to lean over Sam and check him when Sam’s eyelids began to flutter.

Dean froze as Sam slowly blinked his eyes and then stared up at him. Dean swallowed, knowing better than to make any sudden moves but something was odd. He stared down at Sam and then it hit him, Sam’s eyes weren’t red.

“Sam?” He breathed and Sam blinked before smiling at him. Dean stayed frozen as Sam slowly lifted his hand to touch Dean’s cheek gently.
“Sam say something please.” He begged softly and Sam swallowed.

“Dean.” Sam said and then blinked at hearing his own voice. He pushed up on his elbows and Dean backed off, watching him warily.
“What happened?” Sam asked, looking around the room in confusion.

“What do you remember?” He asked instead and Sam frowned, absently chewing on his lip.

“The motel, you went to get dinner and I started feeling sick, tried to get to the bathroom. Then you were talking to me...something about morphine...Dean did you do it? Am I? Everything looks...different.” Sam looked at him, fear growing in his eyes and Dean reached out to him. Sam reacted, moving into his arms and clinging to him.

“It’s alright Sam. You’re a vampire now, it take a while to get used to the changes. You just need to stay calm, okay?” Dean told him and Sam pulled back a bit to see his face.

“Dean? Are you scared?” So much for hoping Sam wouldn’t notice.

“Cautious Sam, I’m not scared of you. New vampires can be...volatile so I’m just taking things slow so you can adjust as easily as possible.” Dean told him and Sam frowned.

“I feel okay.”

“That’s good. I just need to look you over, make sure everything is okay.” Sam nodded and Dean fought to keep his face blank as he took in Sam’s golden hazel eyes and pale skin, though not as pale as Dean’s own. He sat back further and held Sam’s wrist, extending his arm. There was a small scar on the wrist from the venom filled needle but his skin felt as hard as Dean’s or any of his family’s. He put his hand over Sam’s heart and sure enough it was still beating, about two beats a minute.

“Dean? What’s wrong?” Sam asked nervously and Dean simply stared at him.

“I don’t know. Sam are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

“I feel better than I have in months, why?” Sam asked shifting nervously and Dean sighed.

“Because you’re hearts beating twice a minute, you’re not quite as pale or cold as you should be either. And your change was a little different, maybe because of the morphine but I don’t know.” Dean admitted and Sam flinched.

I’m a freak.” Sam muttered and Dean grabbed his arm, pulling him close again.

“You are not a freak!” Dean growled and then stopped but Sam didn’t react except to stare at him with wide eyes.
“You are not a freak.” Dean repeated and then pulled Sam in to a kiss, deeper than any they had shared before. Sam tensed for a second before melting against him.

Sam clung to Dean, his one certainty since waking up to senses that confuse him and muddled memories, he needed Dean, needed him to be there and to tell him it was going to be okay. When he felt Dean try to move back he panicked and clung on tighter, babbling for Dean not to leave.

“Sam no, it’s okay I’m not leaving.” Dean tried to soothe him but Sam was panicking and honestly his grip was beginning to hurt a bit. Sam wasn’t acting like Dean had after his change or the way he’d been told most newborns reacted and he wanted to talk to Carlisle about it. But calming Sam down needed to come first. He reached up and took Sam’s face between his hands, staring straight into golden hazel eyes.
“I am not leaving Sam.” He stated calmly and Sam stilled a bit.
“You need to calm down Sam, I just need to call Carlisle and let him know you’re awake. Okay?” Sam looked away, ashamed at his reaction and Dean sighed, pulling him in to a tight hug.
“It’ll be okay. I’ll talk to Carlisle and then we’ll go get you something to eat, your throat must be killing you.”

“Okay.” Sam whispered and Dean grinned at him. Sam smiled back and then layed back down as Dean dug his phone out. It was neat being able to hear both sides of the conversation without even trying and Carlisle obviously knew he could hear them since he said hello even though Sam didn’t answer. The two tossed around theories as to why Sam was different but he knew why.
“The blood.” He whispered and they fell silent.

“Sammy?” Dean asked quietly.

“The demon blood.” He stated and Dean’s eyes went wide. Sam flinched and Dean gently took his hand.

“I’ll call you back later Carlisle.” He snapped his phone shut and moved so he was laying beside Sam, one arm wrapped around his waist.
“You think the demon blood affected the change?” Dean asked him softly and Sam nodded.

“Guess it makes sense. You’ll have an easier time blending in at least.”

“And it doesn’t scare you?”

“It worries me, what if it had reacted badly and you’d died instead of changing? What if it means you’re not as immortal as the rest of us? So yeah, I’m worried but I’m not scared. It doesn’t change who you are Sam. Just like being a vampire didn’t change who I am.” That made Sam look at him, his eyes wide and Dean smiled. Sam slowly smiled back and Dean sat up, tugging Sam’s arm.
“Come on, let’s go hunt.

TBC...

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