The Secret Ingredient by Starshinedogs

[Reviews - 1]
Printer

Chapter or Story
Table of Contents
- Text Size +

Author's Chapter Notes:

I issued a friendly challenge to kill zombies in different or unusual ways, here is my contribution to the insanity.

Title: Beer Bash

Author: Border.Travis

Fandom: none

Summary: a zombie killing fic that was supposed to be funny

Type: Gen

Rating: Teen for some swearing

Sylum Fic: NO

Disclaimer: I don't own them, i don't know who does

Author's Notes: I issued a friendly challenge to kill zombies in different or unusual ways, here is my contribution to the insanity. P.S i think i did the header and things right, if i messed up don't beat me to bad.

Word count: 1,251

Well another day another town, i thought as i passed the welcome sign for Ohio. Easing my truck to a stop i pulled out my map, i needed to get the lay of the land before i started hunting.

I finally decided to try at OSU's main campus as drunk college kids, would have been the first to probably be attacked by any zombie. I decided since it was 10am on a sunny morning it was safe enough to stop and check for supplies, putting the truck back into gear i scratched at a mosquito bite.

I rolled my windows down and killed the radio, this was the easiest way to discover if it was a voodoo zombie infestation or a Solannm zombie infestation. If it was voodoo zombies i would hear birds maybe see some feral cats and dogs as well as other wild life, if i didn’t hear them it would point more towards a Solannm zombie.

It was rare to see voodoo zombies this far north but not impossible, especially since the area was culturally diverse which raised the chances of seeing them. It was also rare to see the two kinds mixed, but in the last year id been seeing it more and more.

I had started to head for the lane ave exit, but changed my mind when I spotted the sign for Woody Hayes drive as i vaguely remembered that it ran by the softball/baseball diamonds. And if i did have voodoo zombies i could lure them here and lull them to sleep, while i called in the houngan support team. They would potentially be able to return them to normal depending on how long they had been zombies, if it had been to long they would try to identify them and depending if they had family or not. Or possibly a living will that specified what they wanted done in the event they could no longer make medical decisions. They would then be humanely euthanized depending on the family and/or will and buried in the correct consecrated ground for their religion.

My job was to determine what kind and what class.

Class one's usually showed up in third world countries or first world rural areas, and only had 1 to 20 zombies involved. Lasted for 24hrs to 14 days. Usually those where handled by the local communities.

Class two's occurred in urban or highly populated rural areas, and had 20 to 100 zombies involved. they could be as short as the class one's but could be longer due to the number of zombies. And these usually needed help from the local, state, even federal law enforcement. Mostly to get people out of the area and contain the zombies till someone like me could come and evaluate the situation.

Class three's can only occur in highly populated area, and can have a zombie threat numbering in the thousands, And can take weeks or months to clear up and usually require military assistance. And usually involved martial law being declared

Class four's well if you've ever seen zombie world, that would be a class four. i always wondered why Tallahassee didn't drag Cleveland off and shag him senseless. Would have made a better movie in my opinion, but it seemed hollywierd didn’t agree with me. Mores the pity.

From what my sources could tell me it started right after the fans started arriving, for the big game which was OSU vs. Michigan. I had my fingers crossed that it was voodoo zombies, if so i knew a easy way to separate the two teams. Set up the OSU rally inside the shoe and the Michigan rally at the baseball field, and then raid the Budweiser plant for beer and Walmart for other supplies.

Unfortunately for me my luck didn’t hold, as I got closer to campus I started seeing less and less animal sign. And more and more destruction, crap looks like Solannm zombies this time. Looks like I needed to find a pumper truck and then head for the Budweiser plant, no one had ever figured out why but Solannm zombies melted like the wicked witch of the west. When we sprayed them with domestic beer, if it didn’t kill them it acted like poison and broke them down slower. I mean I used to use it to kill slugs when I was a kid.. But zombies are not slugs or are they?, maybe I'd ask the geeks when I was done.

Turning around I headed for the Budweiser plant, I used a blanket to get me over the barbed wire and into the plant. locating a tanker took only a few minutes, but as it was getting late so I decided to sleep in the deserted plant and start hunting in the morning. it took me forever to figure out how to attach the tow straps from my truck to the tanker. I made 6 round trips creating a giant circle then in the middle of the shoe and I set up some mannequins half in OSU's Scarlet and Grey the other half in the Blue and Maize of Michigan.

Then wired the trucks up with c4, I wanted the spray to go high and wide if I could get most of them this way. Well it would be a lot easier to mop up the stragglers, after this thought I had to stop and snicker mop up the stragglers. Geez I really needed a vacation if I thought that was funny, back to work. looking at my watch I noticed it was getting late I hurried to finish up and headed for the main av hub locating the room, I turned everything on till I head the buckeye battle cry start blaring from the speakers.

Next stop the security room located far away from everything and deep underground, watching the security cameras I waited as hundreds upon hundreds of zombies shambled their way into the shoe. Finally it was SRO on the zombie front, I mean if somebody was crazy enough they probably could have walked across the shoe. by stepping from zombie head to zombie head.

Right then I saw the fireworks go off I knew things had entered the final count down as I’d tied them into the circuit, with a ker thud all the trucks went off throwing the beer high into the air. If the shrapnel didn’t get them then the rain of beer did, at that time I turned off the security cameras and waited.

I even managed to fall asleep some how, rubbing my eyes I turned the camera's back on. Cycling through them I didn’t see one zombie. I did see lots of piles that I tried not look to closely at, but no zombies any where. Unlocking the door I kept my super soaker primed, but it was deserted totally. Sliding into my truck I pulled out my cell phone, and hit speed dial one listening to the rings as my call made it's way across the state.

"Report" a voice growled out

I gave the phone a evil grin "Ah did I wake you up.......,so sorry boss. just thought I should let you know I'm done and I’m going on vacation. kiss kiss bye bye". I hit end on my phone then pulled the battery out. Vacation here I come !

Sometimes i loved being a federally licensed zombie hunter, turning my truck on i cranked the radio up loudly and hit the freeway.

The End...Maybe?

Starshinedogs is the author of 6 other stories.

You must login (register) to review.

The Secret Ingredient by Starshinedogs [Reviews - 1] Chapter or Story Table of Contents - Text Size + Author's Chapter Notes: I issued a friendly challenge to kill zombies in different or unusual ways, here is my contribution to the insanity. Title: Beer Bash Author: Border.Travis Fandom: none Summary: a zombie killing fic that was supposed to be funny Type: Gen Rating: Teen for some swearing Sylum Fic: NO Disclaimer: I don't own them, i don't know who does Author's Notes: I issued a friendly challenge to kill zombies in different or unusual ways, here is my contribution to the insanity. P.S i think i did the header and things right, if i messed up don't beat me to bad. Word count: 1,251 Well another day another town, i thought as i passed the welcome sign for Ohio. Easing my truck to a stop i pulled out my map, i needed to get the lay of the land before i started hunting. I finally decided to try at OSU's main campus as drunk college kids, would have been the first to probably be attacked by any zombie. I decided since it was 10am on a sunny morning it was safe enough to stop and check for supplies, putting the truck back into gear i scratched at a mosquito bite. I rolled my windows down and killed the radio, this was the easiest way to discover if it was a voodoo zombie infestation or a Solannm zombie infestation. If it was voodoo zombies i would hear birds maybe see some feral cats and dogs as well as other wild life, if i didn’t hear them it would point more towards a Solannm zombie. It was rare to see voodoo zombies this far north but not impossible, especially since the area was culturally diverse which raised the chances of seeing them. It was also rare to see the two kinds mixed, but in the last year id been seeing it more and more. I had started to head for the lane ave exit, but changed my mind when I spotted the sign for Woody Hayes drive as i vaguely remembered that it ran by the softball/baseball diamonds. And if i did have voodoo zombies i could lure them here and lull them to sleep, while i called in the houngan support team. They would potentially be able to return them to normal depending on how long they had been zombies, if it had been to long they would try to identify them and depending if they had family or not. Or possibly a living will that specified what they wanted done in the event they could no longer make medical decisions. They would then be humanely euthanized depending on the family and/or will and buried in the correct consecrated ground for their religion. My job was to determine what kind and what class. Class one's usually showed up in third world countries or first world rural areas, and only had 1 to 20 zombies involved. Lasted for 24hrs to 14 days. Usually those where handled by the local communities. Class two's occurred in urban or highly populated rural areas, and had 20 to 100 zombies involved. they could be as short as the class one's but could be longer due to the number of zombies. And these usually needed help from the local, state, even federal law enforcement. Mostly to get people out of the area and contain the zombies till someone like me could come and evaluate the situation. Class three's can only occur in highly populated area, and can have a zombie threat numbering in the thousands, And can take weeks or months to clear up and usually require military assistance. And usually involved martial law being declared Class four's well if you've ever seen zombie world, that would be a class four. i always wondered why Tallahassee didn't drag Cleveland off and shag him senseless. Would have made a better movie in my opinion, but it seemed hollywierd didn’t agree with me. Mores the pity. From what my sources could tell me it started right after the fans started arriving, for the big game which was OSU vs. Michigan. I had my fingers crossed that it was voodoo zombies, if so i knew a easy way to separate the two teams. Set up the OSU rally inside the shoe and the Michigan rally at the baseball field, and then raid the Budweiser plant for beer and Walmart for other supplies. Unfortunately for me my luck didn’t hold, as I got closer to campus I started seeing less and less animal sign. And more and more destruction, crap looks like Solannm zombies this time. Looks like I needed to find a pumper truck and then head for the Budweiser plant, no one had ever figured out why but Solannm zombies melted like the wicked witch of the west. When we sprayed them with domestic beer, if it didn’t kill them it acted like poison and broke them down slower. I mean I used to use it to kill slugs when I was a kid.. But zombies are not slugs or are they?, maybe I'd ask the geeks when I was done. Turning around I headed for the Budweiser plant, I used a blanket to get me over the barbed wire and into the plant. locating a tanker took only a few minutes, but as it was getting late so I decided to sleep in the deserted plant and start hunting in the morning. it took me forever to figure out how to attach the tow straps from my truck to the tanker. I made 6 round trips creating a giant circle then in the middle of the shoe and I set up some mannequins half in OSU's Scarlet and Grey the other half in the Blue and Maize of Michigan. Then wired the trucks up with c4, I wanted the spray to go high and wide if I could get most of them this way. Well it would be a lot easier to mop up the stragglers, after this thought I had to stop and snicker mop up the stragglers. Geez I really needed a vacation if I thought that was funny, back to work. looking at my watch I noticed it was getting late I hurried to finish up and headed for the main av hub locating the room, I turned everything on till I head the buckeye battle cry start blaring from the speakers. Next stop the security room located far away from everything and deep underground, watching the security cameras I waited as hundreds upon hundreds of zombies shambled their way into the shoe. Finally it was SRO on the zombie front, I mean if somebody was crazy enough they probably could have walked across the shoe. by stepping from zombie head to zombie head. Right then I saw the fireworks go off I knew things had entered the final count down as I’d tied them into the circuit, with a ker thud all the trucks went off throwing the beer high into the air. If the shrapnel didn’t get them then the rain of beer did, at that time I turned off the security cameras and waited. I even managed to fall asleep some how, rubbing my eyes I turned the camera's back on. Cycling through them I didn’t see one zombie. I did see lots of piles that I tried not look to closely at, but no zombies any where. Unlocking the door I kept my super soaker primed, but it was deserted totally. Sliding into my truck I pulled out my cell phone, and hit speed dial one listening to the rings as my call made it's way across the state. "Report" a voice growled out I gave the phone a evil grin "Ah did I wake you up.......,so sorry boss. just thought I should let you know I'm done and I’m going on vacation. kiss kiss bye bye". I hit end on my phone then pulled the battery out. Vacation here I come ! Sometimes i loved being a federally licensed zombie hunter, turning my truck on i cranked the radio up loudly and hit the freeway. Previous The End...Maybe? Starshinedogs is the author of 6 other stories. You must login (register) to review.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. Archive running on eFiction 3.5.x, software developed & maintained by The eFiction Project http://www.efiction.org/ :: Archive design based on original skin designed by Sally Anderson. All Rights Reserved.