Dean checked that everything was as safe as he could make it and then got onto the bed, curling around Sam as best as he could considering their height differences. Sam was still trembling but he hadn’t reacted to anything since the gas station. He hadn’t even whimpered when Dean had left him alone on the bed to finish salting all the windows and doors. He’d moved the bed to the most defensible room and had drawn a devils trap around it, not sure if he was trying to keep things out....or in. He held Sam against his chest, inhaling his scent, trying to stay confidant that it was really Sam he was holding. But until Sam decided to talk or even move he had no way of knowing for sure. Meg had fooled him once though, could another demon fool him just as easily? Especially if that demon had been Sam? He shuddered, fighting tears until finally letting exhaustion claim him. They slept peacefully for hours before Sam began to stir and then he pushed himself upright, staring at Dean with black eyes.
He sneered at the human below him, reaching towards its throat and then pain flared through his body and he collapsed beside the human, convulsing in pain.
Dean jerked awake as he felt the mattress moving and then rolled to pin Sam as he convulsed.
“Sam! Sammy come on, look at me kiddo. I’m here; you’re going to be okay.” Dean called, trying to get Sam to focus on him and gradually the kid began to calm down. Dean freed a hand to cup Sam’s face, smiling slightly when Sam leant into the touch.
Sam gasped for air, trying to control his breathing, even as he heard someone talking to him. He felt a gentle touch to his face and instinctively leant into it, knowing the feel of Dean’s hand despite how confused he felt. He felt his breathing start to slow and tried to relax even as he heard Dean’s voice and how frantic he was becoming. Sam swallowed and then forced his eyes open only to find Dean leaning over him. He could see the fear in Dean’s eyes and wanted it to go away; Dean wasn’t meant to be scared.
“Dean.” He forced out of his parched throat and Dean stared at him before smiling slightly.
“Yeah Sammy, I’m here.” Dean answered him and Sam struggled to raise his arm, needing to touch Dean, to reassure his brother that he was okay. He managed to move his hand to sort of flop against Dean and Dean reached out to take it, making Sam smile.
“Sam....you can understand me?” Dean asked quietly and Sam could practically feel his fear. He nodded lethargically, squeezing Dean’s hand as much as he could. Dean sagged in relief and Sam just watched him, confused, tired and sore.
“Wha’ happen’d?” He croaked out and then a water bottle was against his lips. He drank thirstily, happy that it was helping his throat. The bottle was pulled away and then he felt Dean’s arms around him, pulling him to Dean’s chest. He sighed and cuddled in as much as he could; they hadn’t sat like that since.....the night before the Hellhounds came. Sam sighed and reached out shakily to trace Dean’s face, smiling when Dean caught his hand and pressed a gentle kiss to it.
“How do you feel?” Dean asked and Sam thought about it.
“Tired, sore....kind of odd.” Sam answered.
“Odd how Sam?” Dean asked and Sam realised he was scared again.
“Dean? What’s wrong? What’s going on?” He asked and Dean hugged him close.
“It’s okay Sammy, it’s gonna be okay.” Dean whispered and Sam smiled at him sleepily. He was really very tired but he was forcing himself to stay awake because Dean needed him. He shifted his arm and petted Dean’s head where it was bent against Sam’s chest, happy that he seemed to be gaining more control over his limbs. He shut his eyes, focusing on the last thing he remembered and then trying to go further. He gasped and then he struggled against Dean until he managed to get lose and then pushed Dean down onto the bed, searching for injuries and shaking when he found the marks on Dean’s throat. He didn’t even notice the terrified look in Dean’s eyes as he pinned him down.
“I....” he choked out; horrified by what he’d done to the one person he loved more than anything.
“How could I...sorry, so sorry.” He whispered, feeling a few tears fall.
Dean was terrified as Sam suddenly began to fight his hold and then pinned him to the bed. He couldn’t read Sam’s eyes, they were still demon black, but he’d thought it was okay, that it was still Sammy. He then felt the drops of wetness hit him and Sam’s words made it past his fear. Dean felt something inside him relax at the sight of Sam’s tears, demons didn’t cry. He reached up and pulled Sam close, kissing him gently. Sam struggled slightly and then relaxed, kissing him back.
“It’s okay Sam.” Dean told him when they parted and Sam just stared at him.
“Hey, we fight how often? This one just got a bit out of hand. And it wasn’t just your fault, I should have listened more.” Dean told him and Sam chewed at his lip but nodded slowly.
“Do....do you remember what happened after the fight?” Dean asked and Sam frowned.
“Hey, don’t force it.” Dean told him, reaching up to smooth away the frown lines between Sam’s eyes. Sam lay down; resting his head over Dean’s heart and Dean began to run his fingers through Sam’s hair, making him drift closer to sleep.
“Love you.” Dean whispered and Sam smiled sleepily.
“Love you.” He whispered back before drifting off to sleep.
Dean stayed awake, keeping a loose grip on Sam as he slept. He was confused by what was happening but he was happy that he hadn’t lost Sam. And he wasn’t going to now, no matter what happened he was making sure they stuck together. Things went wrong when they were apart; he’d seen that all too often. He kissed the top of Sam’s head, smiling when Sam snuggled into him in response. Demon eyes or not, he would not abandon Sam and he would fight both hell and heaven to stay with him. He let himself doze lightly, in case Sam needed him but it wasn’t Sam who woke him five hours later.
“Cas?” Dean asked, sitting up but keeping Sam close.
“Dean, were you able to stop it?” Castiel asked, moving closer but then he stopped, frowning as he studied the trap around the bed. He then looked back at Dean who held Sam closer, ready to protect him even from Castiel.
The angel took another step forward and suddenly Dean found himself shoved back on the bed and then he realised there was a snarling noise in front of him. Dean blinked and then stared at the sight of Sam crouched in front of him, literally snarling at Castiel who was staring in horrified surprise. Dean shook his head and then moved, wrapping his arms around Sam’s chest but left the kids arms free so he didn’t feel trapped.
“Shh Sammy, its okay. It’s Cas Sam, you know Cas, he’s not gonna hurt us.” Dean soothed, nuzzling at Sam’s neck to try and calm him down, smiling slightly when it seemed to work and Sam began to quiet.
“That’s it, come on back Sammy. I need you.” Dean whispered and Sam slowly began to relax into his arms. Castiel took another step and Sam went off again.
“Damn it Cas, stay back for now.” Dean snapped, wrapping himself tighter around Sam.
“Dean that is a demon.” Castiel told him, frowning at the sight of what had once been Sam Winchester. The snarl he got for that did not come from the demon.
“He was fine before you showed up.” Dean said and then paused, wriggling around so he could look into Sam’s black eyes. He gently cupped Sam’s face and then kissed him, ignoring Castiel’s staring. Sam slowly went limp under him, kissing him back.
“That’s it Sammy, everything’s okay.” Dean soothed, slowly letting Sam up. Sam pushed Dean behind him but didn’t snarl at the angel so it was an improvement. Dean looked between the two and then it clicked.
“He’s scared and trying to protect me Cas. Are you like radiating angel energy or something? Maybe that’s setting him off.” Dean said, rubbing Sam’s back to keep him calm. Castiel stared at them and then shielded his Grace as much as he could, watching as Sam slowly relaxed.
“Okay, now try moving closer, very slowly.” Castile did that and while Sam seemed to be growling softly he didn’t try to attack.
“That’s good Sammy.” Dean whispered and Sam turned his head enough to see Dean as well as Castiel. When Castiel stepped inside the trap the growling got a bit louder but Dean just moulded himself to Sam’s back and he calmed a bit.
“What happened Dean?” Castiel asked, staying just out of grabbing range of the new demon.
“By the time I broke the door in Lilith was dead and Sam was on the floor. Ruby was gloating so I attacked her and Sam managed to grab onto her legs so she’s dead for good. Sam was pretty out of it and his eyes kept going form black to normal. I got us out of there as fast as I could. Sam was in pain, couldn’t focus but he was aware enough to know I was there, kept trying to say my name. He managed to focus once, even managed to get across that he was in pain. Then we stopped off at a gas station for supplies and he understood that I was leaving him alone, seemed to panic a bit until I said I would be back several times. I um kissed him and he responded but....he was having some sort of seizure or something when I came out. He calmed down but.....his eyes haven’t even flickered since then. He woke up hours ago and he was Sam, Cas. Demons don’t cry and he was, he was sorry for the fight we had before I got sent to a certain room. He didn’t remember anything after that though.” Dean explained and Castiel frowned, not sure what was happening. Sam felt like a demon to him but Dean was right, demons did not cry. Castiel thought for a second and then moved, Sam barely managed to snarl before he was lying limp in Dean’s arms.
“What the hell!” Dean pulled Sam further away from Castiel who simply raised his hands in surrender.
“He is simply asleep Dean.” Castiel assured him as Dean gently laid Sam back on the mattress, pushing Sam’s hair off of his face. Sam’s face was relaxed in sleep, his pulse steady so Dean relaxed and looked at Castiel. Castiel surprised him by sitting down on the edge of the bed, looking tired.
“Are you okay?” Dean asked, suddenly realising that Castiel had been left to deal with an angry Archangel.
“I should be dead, I was dead and then I was back. I know no angel did it which leaves only....”
“God? Wow. Glad you’re back...as long as you don’t plan to hurt Sam.” Dean was happy Castiel was alive, the angel knew that, but he also knew that if he tried anything against Sam, Dean would do everything he could to stop him.
“May I take a look at him? It would be better to know what is happening to him.” Castiel said and Dean frowned but nodded, taking one of Sam’s limp hands in his own. Castiel placed a hand on Sam’s forehead and closed his eyes. When he pulled back he simply stared at Sam.
“Well?” Dean pushed after nearly three minutes of silent staring. Castiel then turned to stare at him before shaking off his shock.
“He is a demon.” Castiel started and Dean tightened his grip on Sam’s hand.
“But....” Castiel paused and Dean felt some of his dread ease, in this case a ‘but’ was very good.
“But what Castiel?” Dean demanded and the angel blinked, it was very rare for either Winchester to use his full name.
“Demons are full of rage and hate, Sam is not. Yes they are present but so is his love for you. You were right; he was scared I would hurt you, that was why he was acting so hostile. He is....unbalanced at the moment, that is why he is only sometimes lucid, the rest of the time his instincts are in control. He will stabilise if the two parts can merge completely but...there is no way to know what will end up dominant.” Castiel warned him and Dean reached out to pull Sam into his arms again.
“If they don’t merge?” Dean asked, kissing Sam’s temple.
“It could tear his mind apart.” Castiel stated and Dean closed his eyes.
“What can I do?” He whispered, holding Sam close.
“Other than what you have already done? I do not know. If I attempt anything it will only cause him pain.” The angel admitted and Dean nodded.
“Okay, could you wake him up and then wait in the other room? Or go make sure Bobby’s okay? He seems calmer when it’s just us.” Dean said and Castiel nodded, touching Sam’s face briefly and then he vanished. Sam shifted in his sleep and then black eyes opened sleepily. Dean smiled down at him and Sam smiled back before yawning.
“Hey Sammy, how’re you doing?” He asked and Sam blinked before struggling to sit up.
“Whoa, take it easy. Let’s do this nice and slow kiddo. Feel up to talking to me?” Dean said, helping Sam sit up. Sam looked at him and then around the room.
“Where?” Sam whispered and Dean was happy it was a coherent moment.
“Safe Sammy, warded the place myself. How do you feel?” Dean asked and Sam shrugged.
“I know, but it’s gonna be okay.” Dean told him, reaching out and Sam flung himself into his open arms.
“Hey, we’re alright.” Dean soothed, petting the shaggy brown hair.
“Dean what’s going on? I feel weird.” Sam admitted and Dean nodded.
“I know Sammy.” Dean told him and Sam raised his head to stare at him.
“Do....do you remember more than the fight in the hotel?” Dean asked and Sam shook his head. Dean shifted so he was leaning against the wall behind the bed and then pulled Sam into his lap. Sam sighed, cuddling in. Dean wasn’t going to complain about Sam being cuddly, not with the talk that was coming. He didn’t think Sam was going to take the news well and the last thing he needed was for that rage and hate to come out and be aimed at the only target around, Dean. He prayed Sam’s love for him was enough to fight that back.
“I love you Sammy, I....I’m sorry for how things have been since I came back. We both messed up but I should have listened more, should have trusted you.” Dean told him softly.
“What happened to no chick-flicks? Dean what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” Sam said, trying to sit up but Dean held him close. Dean kissed him and Sam relaxed, kissing him back. Sam stared up at him and Dean could see fear and love in his eyes, despite the fact they were still black.
“I need you to stay calm and just listen, okay?” Dean asked and Sam swallowed but nodded slowly. Dean ran his fingers through Sam’s hair, wanting to help him calm down.
“First off Lilith’s dead, you killed her.” Dean said and Sam’s eyes widened.
“I....I did it? I killed her?” Sam asked and Dean nodded sadly.
“Why aren’t you happy?” Sam asked and Dean sighed.
“Because Ruby and the angels tricked everyone. Lilith.....she was the last Seal Sammy, Lucifer’s out.” Dean admitted and Sam shook his head.
“No, no, no. I can’t have......did.....did I know?” Sam asked shakily and Dean hugged him.
“No Sam, you didn’t know till after. Ruby started gloating about it, I could barely here her threw the door and I heard you denying it. You thought you were saving us all when you killed her.” Dean told him and Sam nodded.
“Do...do you hate me?” Sam whispered and Dean tightened his grip.
“No Sammy, I love you. I’m never leaving you again, I promise.” Dean told him and Sam stared at him. Sam reached up to trace his face and Dean leant into the touch. Sam was surprised Dean would let him touch him at all after what Dean had told him had happened and Sam had the feeling the worst was yet to come.
“Dean, is something wrong with me?” Sam asked and Dean froze. Sam forced himself to take a deep breath and not panic at Dean’s reaction, no matter how badly he wanted to. Was he dying?
“Am I dying?” he whispered and Dean shook his head.
“No. I told you, you’re gonna be okay.” Dean stated and Sam nodded, relaxing a bit. It was good to know he wasn’t leaving Dean anytime soon.
“Then what’s wrong with me?” He asked and Dean leant down to kiss him before holding up his knife so that Sam could see his own face. Sam froze, staring in horror at his eyes before he screamed, reaching up to claw at them.
“Sammy no! Calm down, its okay.” Dean yelled, rolling to pin him down, holding his hands above his head. Sam slammed his eyes shut, not wanting Dean to see the evidence of what he’d done to himself.
“Sam come on, open your eyes kiddo.” Dean whispered and Sam shook his head, finally going limp under Dean. He choked back a sob, horrified at what he’d become and sad that Dean would have to kill him. No, he’d kill himself to spare Dean the pain.
“Sammy its okay, I’m not gonna hurt you and I won’t let anyone else.” Dean soothed and Sam whimpered.
“Should, I’ll do it myself, just give me the knife and go.” Sam whispered and Dean chuckled.
“See? Do you think a demon would be offering to kill itself? You’re still my Sam.” Dean said and Sam cracked open an eye to see Dean smiling softly at him.
“It’s okay Sam.” Dean repeated and then he moved one hand to gently cup Sam’s cheek. Sam let out a half sob, half hiccup but leant into his hand.
“You helped me kill Ruby by holding her still even though you were barely conscious. When I got to you your eyes were black but I knew it was you because of the way you reacted. You were really out of it though, were the whole way here. At that point your eyes were flickering between hazel and black, when I talked to you they tended to change to hazel. Then I had to stop and grab supplies, I came back out to you having some sort of fit, your eyes have been black since. You kept trying to talk but it seemed all you could say was my name and not even that fully but you reacted to my touch, even tried to kiss me back when I kissed you. Does that sound like a demon to you?” Dean asked and Sam shook his head.
“Not to mention the fact you were just crying and let’s face it, demons can’t cry like that. You got a bit....wild when Cas showed up but it was because you were scared and trying to protect me. You calmed down when he reined in the grace. He knocked you out for a bit so he could take a look at what’s going on.” Dean explained and then slowly let go of Sam’s wrists. Sam wriggled a bit but didn’t try to fight again, instead he tentatively wrapped his arms around Dean who smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss, shifting a bit so that he wasn’t pinning Sam down anymore.
“What did he find? Am I.....am I going to change?” Sam asked and Dean sighed.
“He said you’re a demon now but not like them. Yeah, you got some of the rage and all but you’ve always had a pretty explosive temper when something really sets you off. Want to know the big difference between you and demons though?” Dean asked and Sam nodded.
“You still love, demons can’t do that. Lust yeah but not love.” Dean told him and Sam nodded quickly.
“Love you.” Sam mumbled and Dean grinned, kissing him again.
“I know Sammy, love you too.” He assured him and Sam stared up at him.
“Even.” He tried but he couldn’t finish the question.
“Even with this. I made a promise while you were out of it. I promised that not even heaven or hell would keep us apart and I meant it Sam. And I know I’m being really mushy and girly which is usually your job but after this last year I figure I can do it this once.” Dean grumbled the last bit and Sam smiled at him. Sam hesitantly moved his arms to rub at Dean’s upper arms and Dean grinned at him.
“There is one other thing Cas found that you need to know.” He said, giving Sam a quick kiss.
“What?” Sam asked, going to remove his hands but Dean stared at him so he left them there.
“Well apparently you’re not exactly balanced at the moment. When you’re awake there are times you’re like this, yourself and talking and everything. Other times you’re more.....Cas said it’s instincts in control. That’s how you were when he was in here.” Dean explained awkwardly.
“Did I hurt you?” Sam asked, horrified but Dean shook his head.
“You were snarling and growling at Cas while keeping me safely behind you. Even then you were trying to protect me, despite the fact that you were scared of him your first act was to put yourself between me and danger. You still reacted to my voice and touch but sort of....like a puppy.”
“Gee thanks.” Sam mumbled and Dean smirked.
“He did say that you’ve got to merge the two or....”
“Or?” Sam pushed.
“You could go mad.”
“Great, no pressure there.”
“Still wouldn’t leave you.” Dean promised, smiling when Sam relaxed a bit more. And then he grinned.
“Your eyes flickered hazel for a second. Maybe once your all merged you’ll be able to control that.” Dean said and Sam groaned.
“I better or I’ll be buying shares in a sunglasses company. Just because you’re not freaking out....Bobby! Is he okay?” Sam asked and Dean nodded.
“Angels yanked me from his place but yeah, he was okay when they did. Pissed off at me though.”
“Why? I’m the one that knocked him out.”
“He forgave that, knew it was the withdrawal. He got mad I gave you the same ultimatum Dad did and he was right to be mad. I should never have said. I just.....I thought maybe it’d make you stay. I was pissed that you would go with Ruby over me and scared that if you killed Lilith I’d lose you for good. I...I’m sorry.” Dean admitted and Sam reached up to touch his cheek before lifting his head to kiss him.
“I’m sorry too. I was so strung out......I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Sam said and Dean smiled.
“I know. You hungry or anything? It’s been at least a day since you ate.” Dean said and Sam’s stomach growled on queue making Sam blush and Dean laugh. He rolled off Sam and the bed and then offered a hand. Sam took it and followed Dean only to slam into an invisible wall a few inches from the bed.
“Dean?” And then he looked down and gasped.
“No.” Sam whispered and Dean looked at the devil’s trap Sam was trapped in. He quickly broke the line and tugged Sam across, pulling him into a hug.
“It was a precaution in case we were tracked here.”
“And in case I tried to hurt you.” Sam whispered sadly.
“I didn’t think you would Sam but it was safer with both of us sleeping, was never going to keep you in it.” Dean promised and Sam nodded, still looking miserable so Dean kissed him again. They’d kissed more in the last hour than they had all year Dean realised and then he decided that had to change. Sam had to know Dean loved him, even if he only showed it in private.
“Come on, we both need food.” Dean led him to where he’d put the supplies and they dug in, Dean teasing Sam over his reaction to some of it. Demon or not Sam was still a health food nut.
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