Emails From the Inside by Ninjababe

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To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Training

It has been brought to my attention that you haven't been in the gym of HQ in the last few weeks. The rumor mill is going crazy, thinking you've been 'demoted' from being my pet project.

You know our agreement. You have to stay in shape.

Where have you been exercising?

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Fifty to one odds. It doesn't seem fair. I'll close my eyes.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Training

Awww… I'm your pet project! How sweet! Don't worry, Tasha, Clint, and I have been brushing up on urban skills.

Darcy Lewis

Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Re: Training

What does your definition of "urban skills" include?

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Re: Training

If you must know, we're having a twice weekly parkour competition.

Darcy Lewis

Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Congratulations on your Retirement

Since Darcy Lewis has been instated as an agent of SHIELD, I wish to inquire on the status of your upcoming retirement.

Agent Kenneth Flannagan

Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Congratulations on your Retirement

Darcy Lewis may be a special agent in SHIELD, but she is not, or ever will be, a full agent.

Let me clarify and reiterate. The moment she becomes a field agent for SHIELD, instead of her current status of special agent, then, I will be retiring. As defined in the SHIELD handbook, Index VI, Section 8D, Item iii.a: "A special agent is defined as an individual who has been granted limited power in regards to SHIELD operations as a means to help in crowd control, media deferment, and other miscellaneous tasks dictated by the director or senior agents when a full field agent of SHIELD would be counter-productive and/or excessive to the situation."

I sincerely hope I do not find that you were responsible for the failed 'going away' party in the mess yesterday.

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

A breakup is a lot like bereavement. They're both followed by a cremation and sandwiches.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Parkour

After researching, I found that you three are the reason behind the large upswing in calls of strange people in black running across rooftops and fire escapes in Manhattan.

I would prefer if you three would return to your 'games' in SHIELD HQ. At least there, I can run interference.

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I'd wish I had a million dollars. I'd buy the zoo and free all the animals... Then, I'd rent a helicopter and watch them chase the people.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Parkour

Do you know who's described the most? We have a running pool.

Agent Clint Barton

Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Re: Parkour

That's what you get from this? Someone is going to shoot you.

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I have more caffeine in me than blood cells.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

From: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

It would be a good addition to our workout, sir.

Agent Natasha Romanov

Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

Beware of the goat from its front side, of the horse - from its back side, and the evil man - from any side.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

Fine. If you must continue your contest, can you at least do it in Central Park? Perhaps at night? At least that way, most of the complaints would be dismissed.

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I rescue damsels in distress. That's my job.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

Thanks for the great idea, sir! It was getting a little boring hopping between hi-rises.

Agent Clint Barton

Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, PepperPotts@SI.net, Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov

From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

Subject: The next Girl's Night Out

The next Girls Night Out is scheduled for Saturday. We will be taking over the private room at Tequila Den. Joining us will be Frigga and Sif of the Asgard. I've booked the private room so we can safely explain Earth things to the Asgardians and they can still see our culture through the large window of the room.

First: Rules of Girls Night Out

1) No men, unless they're dressed as women. That includes: high heels, make up, undergarments, and jewelry. Plus lots of possible blackmail photos.

2) No major badmouthing of Loki. Frigga may not be a warrior, but she can still smite you.

3) No more than three alcoholic drinks an hour. We don't care how much mead, beer, etc you can drink or quaff.

4) Try not to talk exclusively about business.

5) Keep 'how I'd use this random item as a weapon' discussions to a minimum.

These rules will be repeated to Frigga and Sif when they arrive. Also, more rules can be suggested if anyone feels they are necessary.

Second, before she left from her last visit, Frigga asked that I get a consensus vote on including her son Loki in this event. Before anyone gets too excited, a) he would follow the rules (including being female), and b) he promises to behave. Since he's going to be in a private room with his mother and a warrior of Asgard that he sort-of respects, it may be do-able. Votes can be made to me in person, or in reply to this email.

Third, ideas for future Girls Night Out? We are planning a Vegas weekend in a few months, but that has to wait until our Asgardian members feel more comfortable with Earth culture.

Darcy Lewis

Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

From: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov

Subject: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out

Why did I get this assignment? It isn't part of my normal purview.

Agent Maria Hill

Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov

The first defense against evil: open your damn eyes.

=====

To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov

From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Subject: Re: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out

It may officially have been a situational awareness drill, but you didn't think you'd get away with locking a member of SHIELD (granted an adjunct member) in a closet and being the cause of the 'Die Hard' incident, did you?

Agent Phillip Coulson

Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

What I would or wouldn't do in this situation doesn't count because it would probably be very scary.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

Subject: My office

Ms. Lewis, please report to my office immediately. We need to discuss your emails about 'Girls Night Out'.

Director Fury

Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

Chapter End Notes:

Maria Hill's quote is from Forever Knight.

The End...Maybe?

Ninjababe is the author of 15 other stories.

This story is part of the series, Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired). The previous story in the series is Ode of Lady Jane, the Strategist By Thor Odinson.

You must login (register) to review.

Emails From the Inside by Ninjababe [Reviews - 5] Chapter or Story Table of Contents - Text Size + To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Training It has been brought to my attention that you haven't been in the gym of HQ in the last few weeks. The rumor mill is going crazy, thinking you've been 'demoted' from being my pet project. You know our agreement. You have to stay in shape. Where have you been exercising? Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Fifty to one odds. It doesn't seem fair. I'll close my eyes. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Training Awww… I'm your pet project! How sweet! Don't worry, Tasha, Clint, and I have been brushing up on urban skills. Darcy Lewis Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum. ===== To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Re: Training What does your definition of "urban skills" include? Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Re: Training If you must know, we're having a twice weekly parkour competition. Darcy Lewis Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov Subject: Congratulations on your Retirement Since Darcy Lewis has been instated as an agent of SHIELD, I wish to inquire on the status of your upcoming retirement. Agent Kenneth Flannagan Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov "Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm." ===== To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Congratulations on your Retirement Darcy Lewis may be a special agent in SHIELD, but she is not, or ever will be, a full agent. Let me clarify and reiterate. The moment she becomes a field agent for SHIELD, instead of her current status of special agent, then, I will be retiring. As defined in the SHIELD handbook, Index VI, Section 8D, Item iii.a: "A special agent is defined as an individual who has been granted limited power in regards to SHIELD operations as a means to help in crowd control, media deferment, and other miscellaneous tasks dictated by the director or senior agents when a full field agent of SHIELD would be counter-productive and/or excessive to the situation." I sincerely hope I do not find that you were responsible for the failed 'going away' party in the mess yesterday. Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov A breakup is a lot like bereavement. They're both followed by a cremation and sandwiches. ===== To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Parkour After researching, I found that you three are the reason behind the large upswing in calls of strange people in black running across rooftops and fire escapes in Manhattan. I would prefer if you three would return to your 'games' in SHIELD HQ. At least there, I can run interference. Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov I'd wish I had a million dollars. I'd buy the zoo and free all the animals... Then, I'd rent a helicopter and watch them chase the people. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Parkour Do you know who's described the most? We have a running pool. Agent Clint Barton Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted. ===== To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Re: Parkour That's what you get from this? Someone is going to shoot you. Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov I have more caffeine in me than blood cells. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov From: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Re: Re: Parkour It would be a good addition to our workout, sir. Agent Natasha Romanov Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov Beware of the goat from its front side, of the horse - from its back side, and the evil man - from any side. ===== To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour Fine. If you must continue your contest, can you at least do it in Central Park? Perhaps at night? At least that way, most of the complaints would be dismissed. Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov I rescue damsels in distress. That's my job. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour Thanks for the great idea, sir! It was getting a little boring hopping between hi-rises. Agent Clint Barton Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted. ===== To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, PepperPotts@SI.net, Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov Subject: The next Girl's Night Out The next Girls Night Out is scheduled for Saturday. We will be taking over the private room at Tequila Den. Joining us will be Frigga and Sif of the Asgard. I've booked the private room so we can safely explain Earth things to the Asgardians and they can still see our culture through the large window of the room. First: Rules of Girls Night Out 1) No men, unless they're dressed as women. That includes: high heels, make up, undergarments, and jewelry. Plus lots of possible blackmail photos. 2) No major badmouthing of Loki. Frigga may not be a warrior, but she can still smite you. 3) No more than three alcoholic drinks an hour. We don't care how much mead, beer, etc you can drink or quaff. 4) Try not to talk exclusively about business. 5) Keep 'how I'd use this random item as a weapon' discussions to a minimum. These rules will be repeated to Frigga and Sif when they arrive. Also, more rules can be suggested if anyone feels they are necessary. Second, before she left from her last visit, Frigga asked that I get a consensus vote on including her son Loki in this event. Before anyone gets too excited, a) he would follow the rules (including being female), and b) he promises to behave. Since he's going to be in a private room with his mother and a warrior of Asgard that he sort-of respects, it may be do-able. Votes can be made to me in person, or in reply to this email. Third, ideas for future Girls Night Out? We are planning a Vegas weekend in a few months, but that has to wait until our Asgardian members feel more comfortable with Earth culture. Darcy Lewis Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum. ===== To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov From: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov Subject: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out Why did I get this assignment? It isn't part of my normal purview. Agent Maria Hill Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov The first defense against evil: open your damn eyes. ===== To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov Subject: Re: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out It may officially have been a situational awareness drill, but you didn't think you'd get away with locking a member of SHIELD (granted an adjunct member) in a closet and being the cause of the 'Die Hard' incident, did you? Agent Phillip Coulson Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov What I would or wouldn't do in this situation doesn't count because it would probably be very scary. ===== To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov Subject: My office Ms. Lewis, please report to my office immediately. We need to discuss your emails about 'Girls Night Out'. Director Fury Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov Chapter End Notes: Maria Hill's quote is from Forever Knight. Previous The End...Maybe? Ninjababe is the author of 15 other stories. This story is part of the series, Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired). The previous story in the series is Ode of Lady Jane, the Strategist By Thor Odinson. You must login (register) to review.

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