Portents of Absurd Doom
Xander Harris looked around the room he woke up in. He realized it was a hospital room. It was really white, really bright, and stunk like antiseptic and sick people. He looked at himself. He hadn't been in a battle that he remembered. He only had two bandages and an IV. One bandage around his ankle looked like it might be covering a cut from getting out of restraints. The one around his stomach was thicker, wider, and he had no idea how it had happened. So he pushed the button for the nurse.
"Yes," the speaker said.
"Would you like to tell me why you've kidnaped me?" he asked. "Or how I got here otherwise?"
"Be right there, Mr. Harris." She hung up. A few minutes later a youngish woman and a guy not in a doctor's coat walked in. "Mr. Harris, this is Agent Rigers."
Xander blinked at him. "Okay. Why am I in a hospital in the UK instead of on my usual patrol cycle, which the last I knew was in upper Africa?" He stared at the agent. Who winced. "Might as well tell me now before I call and ask Willow."
"They don't know anything, Mr. Harris. We rescued you from a lab." He took a step back at the growl. "Um...."
"Blood hunters or other lab?" Xander asked coolly.
"Blood hunters?" the nurse demanded. "Why would they...." The agent held up a hand. "Do you know about that?"
"No, I kept that hidden because it'd be a bad thing in my life," Xander quipped. He looked at the agent again. "What sort of lab was it?"
"I've seen your file and it said you're a comic book fan." Xander nodded slowly. "These people would be analogous to AIM."
"So crackheads with weird ideas and weapons?"
"Yup," the agent said with a nod. "And wanting to breed warriors." Xander snorted. "Well...." He took another step back. "We found you in the lab right after they had implanted a uterus. And we think an embryo."
Xander looked at the nurse. "Did you give him psych drugs?"
"No. We cleaned up the mess they made."
"Did you take it out?"
"We're not allowed, sir." She winced. "Orders have come down from on high that we are not allowed to remove it."
The agent shook his head. "The US president said that we're not allowed to handle that problem at all."
"So he's involved or there's a demon he's sucking the cock of. Which?" Xander asked.
"We think the second," the agent said with a grin. "We're pretty sure actually. No one's told your people anything."
Xander nodded once. "WILLOW!" he bellowed. A witch appeared. "Well, not the witch I wanted," he said dryly.
"Problems, Xander?" she asked, smiling at him.
"If that's the file, go ahead and give it to her. I'll probably need some support while I'm pregnant." The witch gave him an odd look but took the file to look over then broke out swearing in Latin. Xander stared at her. "I've only just been told the President of the US won't let them remove the uterus they implanted."
"We know he's indebted," the witch said patiently, trying to sound not angry. "I...."
"Not like I asked," Xander noted. He sat up to stare at her, holding his stomach because that hurt. "Which is why I called for Willow so we can formulate a plan."
"The Goddess might have blessed this one."
"Then she can have some girl give birth. Because I sure don't want to be one." The witch winced. "So, how do we handle this? Because if the Powers blessed this then I'm probably having something that'll attack the slayers with the way they hate me."
She nodded. "Quite possibly," she admitted. "Um... Is he being released today?" she asked the duo.
"No," the nurse said. "Not unless we get attacked by something wanting him."
Xander stared at her. "While there's a few," he said dryly then grinned at her. "Most of them would be dates who'd want pity screwing."
"We've stopped one of those by telling her you've had abdominal surgery by that group so you're not able to sit yet. Do lay down."
Xander stared at him. "What's the worst that can happen if I don't?"
"You bleed to death," the nurse said. Xander sighed but laid back down. She came to check his stomach incision. He pointed at his ankle and looked at her. "You were fighting hard to get out of the cuffs when they found you. The others healed already."
"That one's deeper and you tore a few muscles," she said. He nodded once, looking at the witch. She came over to wave a hand over his stomach while muttering a spell, then stepped back wiping her hand off. The nurse looked at her. "Was that a pregnancy check?"
"Yes, and he's carry a young male fetus that's infected with hellmouth taint."
"So I'm giving birth to my evil clone?" Xander asked dryly.
"It appears so." The witch wiped her hand off again. "Let me tell Willow so she can throw a fit that won't destroy this hospital." She texted someone and disappeared.
Xander looked at the agent. "Did you guys rescue me?"
"Yes." He grinned.
"Tomlison is down there."
"He's an ass to the girls."
"You can have someone else moved down there. We do have to caution you to be a bit calm."
Xander snorted. "The second you guys leave I'm swearing. A lot."
"That's what we'd expect," the nurse agreed. She nearly fled the room.
The agent looked at him, shrugging some. "We have no idea. If Rosenburg should show up, do try to contain her fit?"
"She'll throw a fit at me for having this done to me," Xander said. "Though she should go find them."
"We're fairly certain we got them all."
"I'll go ask a poker debt later." The agent nodded, fleeing from him.
Xander looked up then sighed. "Willow?" he called again. "Can you do a language spell so I'm swearing in something other than english?" No answer so he decided to throw a raging fit. That brought Willow, who stared at him oddly. He stared at her. "One of the coven has the file from the people who decided I needed to be pregnant."
"There's no way," she said with a smile. "Did the hospital give you funny drugs after surgery?"
"Do a check." She did and stepped back, eyes wide. "Yeah. Some agent rescued me from a lab. They wanted to be like AIM. Which were Jonathan's comic idols."
She let out a nervous chuckle. "Um...."
He sat up again, holding his stomach. "The witch that came when I tried to get you last time so you could look over all the science said I'm carrying my clone."
"Lay down please, Mr. Harris. Don't make me sedate you," the intercom said.
Xander leaned over to look out the door. No nurse's desk that way. "You try that and I'm escaping." He looked at her again. "So...." He grinned. "It appears I need some protection strategies. Before I go sob on some of my former lovers or the poker buddies." The nurse came in with a needle but Willow floated her back out. Xander grinned at her. "You and the blonde thang can be aunts."
She nodded slowly. "Yeah. I can do that." She cast another spell over him. "Oh, shit," she muttered. "I think you are carrying your own clone."
"Great! I can have a protege of destruction." He beamed at her. She shuddered. Then disappeared. He grinned at the mirror across from him then decided to get up and get his things so he could leave. He found his phone and called while sitting down to step into his sneakers. "Hey, Beth. It's me. I'm in London or somewhere in the UK just escaping from a hospital. Can you put on your mom?" His slayer put her mother on the phone.
"It's me. Kick Tomlison into a pond, he can't swim. And it'll be a bit before I get back. Up to about ten months. No, some agents found me in a lab and they did something so I'm carrying my own evil clone. Not an explosive tumor like on that show, no. I'm actually pregnant. Willow's about to throw a fit so I'm going to hide. Um, I'll be there as soon as I can. Can you have her get my stuff and my truck and I'll pick it up as soon as I can? Thanks."
He hung up and called another one. "Will you protect me for a few days?" he asked. "No, I'm about to escape from a hospital that's holding me hostage for being pregnant. Yup, that's what I said. Thanks." He hung up and walked out, letting the nurse cut off the bracelet when he held out his hand and stared at her. She handed over two prescriptions. He looked then at her. "Safe or not?"
"Safe. We were ordered to make sure that child came to be."
Xander just nodded. "I'm going to go find a boyfriend and then I'll deal with the demon above that idiot. Thanks!" He walked off. He got about a block from the hospital before a car spun up in front of him. It wasn't someone he knew so he scratched a spot on his arm. He got it open when people got out with guns and came toward him, pulling out the bigger weapon he had hidden so it could grow. They stared at it then started to back away slowly. Xander fired on them and they all went down to the sonic tornado that the weapon produced. Xander took their keys and got in the car, heading off to find that boyfriend. At least he could figure out where he was because the car was a rental and had a map machine. That boyfriend was about an hour away but that's not that far. He parked and got out, slamming the door. "The idiots that tried to get me at the hospital were driving it," he told the staring guard. "It's a rental of some kind."
"We can turn it in," the guard said. "He's pacing in his office, Xander."
Xander stopped to grin at him. "Do we know anything about the lab that had me?"
"Very little but they're all gone. Did they do something?"
"Yeah. I'm pregnant. Possibly with my own clone."
The guard swallowed then nodded. "Um... Yeah."
"Yeah." Xander grinned with a nod. "If they exist, I get them first."
"Agreed!" He walked him inside, knocking on the door. "Sir!" He let Xander in then went back to his post to get rid of that car and not think about how bad that guy being pregnant would be.
Xander looked at his lover, kicking the door shut. He took off his t-shirt then the bandage. "They inserted stuff."
"Oh, crap," he said, coming over to look at it. "I can get my doctor in, Xander. What did they insert?"
"Apparently a clone and a uterus." He stared at him. "And the US president has declared I must have this kid. Apparently his demon overlord is anxious for my next generation to kill it."
"That seems to be the usual statement," Xander said dryly, sitting down with a wince then laying down on the couch. "Sorry, sore."
"No, I'd be sore too. Let me get my doctor in." He made that call and came over to check him over. The bandage around his ankle got changed. He had a few stitches there. The stomach stitches looked nasty to his semi-trained eye. His doctor got there fairly quickly and came in to look over Xander's stomach. He went on a swearing rant for Xander too.
That night, thanks to that boyfriend's help, Xander was in a field summoning that demon. When one showed up, he threw a bomb at it, making it scream as it burned. A few more appeared and he went off on them. A few more appeared and he went after them with his borrowed weapons.
Two slayers and a watcher appeared, rushing over. "Xander, let us!" one yelled. "You're delicate!"
"They're the ones that wanted me to be pregnant! They can die for it!" He took another swing. The girls paused to give him a horrified look but took on the demons for him.
The watcher pulled Xander over to look at him. "What's happened now?" Xander told him. "Oh my word," he muttered, then crossed himself. He wasn't Catholic but sometimes you had to just cross yourself. "What are we doing?"
"The ones that the president of the US is sucking off made him declare that the child must be born."
"And it appears it's my clone."
"Yup. So I *really* need to kill those demons. A lot. Though, the one I summoned isn't here yet. He sent a few minions."
"I am not a minion!" a female demon called. Then she screamed as her head came off.
"Yes you are!" one of the slayers complained.
Finally the higher demon showed up. "This means you're impotent for a month," the demon sneered.
Xander kicked open something and fired it at him, making the demon scream in pain. Xander strolled over to go back to whacking away at it. "No, I'm not. Even if I'm too big to swing a sword, I have artillery. It compensates for not being able to kick ass physically." He finally killed that one then spit on it. "Let's see your human minions doing things now. So much easier to defeat the plans." He huffed, looking at the watcher then at the slayers. "FYI, ladies. There was a comic book loving group who decided they wanted to breed an army of me. They started by making me carry my own clone. I'm about a month along." They all stared at him. He lifted a corner of his t-shirt to show off the bandage. "So yeah, I'm going to be in a *charming* mood for a bit."
"Maybe some of the bad demons will flee your temper," one quipped with a grin. "Do the higher ups know?"
"I told Willow. A witch from the coven found out when I tried to tell Willow the first time." He grimaced. "She's the one that let me know I'm carrying my own clone." One patted him on the arm. "Thanks. Even my boyfriend wouldn't cuddle. But he did let me have some weapons so I could blow the fuck out of these demons because they liked this idea." He looked at the mess then at them, shrugging some. "I really do need to get back to my girls in Africa. Someone sent Tomlison." He rolled his eyes. "I told Beth's mom to drown him." The watcher let out a snort of amusement but nodded, typing notes back. "If that's to Giles, let me know where he wants me to work so someone can do protections on my truck." He looked at the slayers again, who all shrugged. "Yeah, it's going to be that sort of year."
"You'll miss the next apocalypse battle," one offered. "You'd be about to pop during the spring."
"That might be the next apocalypse battle," Xander pointed out. "The PTB hate me." The girls all groaned but nodded they knew that. "If so, I'm going to introduce my clone to the concept of evil but only to other evil ones. Maybe he'll turn into Doctor Doom. I'd do great running a country. And I'd be a nicer despot than he was in the comics."
"You...need some rest," one of the slayers said quietly and calmly. "C'mon. Let the boyfriend have his weapons back and we'll go back to the main center so Giles can swear at Janus. And we can all freak out then decide how we'll be aunties."
"Giles said it's not safe to have him there," the watcher said.
Xander looked over. "My name's on the building since I found it and bought it for him." He grinned. The watcher groaned. "Let me go hand the weapons over." One of the bodyguards came jogging over to get the remains of the weapons he had borrowed. The watcher got them all back to an airport and back to Cleveland.
Xander walked in and right into an ambush by Giles. "I don't think it's a good idea for the girls to get attached to a possibly evil being," he told Xander.
"Since it's a clone of me, I didn't think I was that evil." Giles flinched back, looking horrified. He looked at Willow. "Was it a true clone?"
"Yeah, it is. You're having yourself."
Xander looked at Giles. "Am I suddenly that evil?"
"No. Not usually," Willow quipped.
"I have the right to have a temper," he said firmly.
"Yes you do," the slayers that had traveled back with him agreed, nodding to show they agreed. They ran off yelling 'meeting in the kitchen' at the top of their lungs.
Xander grinned. "Thanks for doing that for me so I don't have to hear shit," Xander called after them. "I'm doing enough panicking for everyone else."
"Are you sure it's not a bad sign then?" Giles demanded.
"Gee, I don't know *why* I've been throwing a fit, Giles. Not like a guy's supposed to have a uterus implanted by people that the old Council used to fund. No! Guys aren't supposed to be pregnant at all! It's perfectly normal." He glared at him. Giles stepped back. "But yeah, I can go make my own area in Africa if I have to. I'll make a *great* world leader!"
"I don't believe that's a good idea," Giles said quietly. "We used to fund them?"
Xander nodded, taking out his phone to pull up the file his boyfriend had found. Willow handed over the one from the hospital. Xander held it up. "I do believe Quentin Travers was a watcher," he said sarcastically. "I don't know why I think that."
Giles took the phone to read then the file. He grimaced. "Fuck!" Willow flinched away from him. He calmed himself. "He had them breeding better slayers."
"Well, gee, I don't think I'm a girl with a mole but I guess maybe we can do a sex change on the fetus."
"No, we can't," Willow said in a squeak. "It's protected." She ran off to tell the others.
Xander looked at Giles. "So far I've taken out the demon that was controlling the president of the US and a few of his minions. Though a few slayers tried to take my fun. I really need to go kill me a few more that had happy thoughts about this idea."
"That's not a good idea. It can kill it and there's no telling if you'd survive that since the PTB seem to like this idea too."
Xander grinned at the watcher who had noted that from the hallway. "I'll make sure my kid has a *happy* talk with them when he's older if I don't get to." The watcher walked off shuddering. "You can tell everyone this was a plan that was started by Travers. He paid those idiots to make stronger slayers. Instead they decided I should bear a little me. Literally." He looked at Giles, who was shuddering. "So."
"Oh, dear." He walked off. "We'll talk about it when you've calmed down."
"I am calm. I'm very calm. I killed six demons already, got pity cuddles, got lunch, escaped a hospital in the UK and blew up the idiots who tried to kidnap me when I left the hospital." He followed, shaking his head at the stares. "Don't ask me. I woke up in a hospital wondering why I was there." He got a few pats. Buffy was just staring at him. "Hey, it could be worse. I could be carrying *your* clone instead of mine."
She shuddered. "That's a really horrible thought. I'd hate to call you Daddy, Xander."
He grinned. "Just think about what fun my kid will have with my boyfriends and girlfriends." She walked off making whining noises trying not to cry. He looked at Andrew. "Do we have any food?"
"I won't have cravings for five months. Right now I'm just post-battle hungry." Andrew handed him the containers of leftovers from breakfast. "Thanks, Andrew. By the way, these guys wanted to be AIM."
"Jonathan would've been *so* disappointed," he sighed. "The real AIM would've made you carry the clone of some hero so they could turn it evil."
Xander grinned at him. "If mine turns evil I'll show him how to be Doctor Doom. We'll take over some little country somewhere and stop all the civil wars." He ate a bite of sausage.
"I can see you doing that," Andrew admitted. "Really fast really."
"Well, I will have mood swings in a few months," he joked with a grin. Andrew groaned then hugged himself as he walked off. He looked at the girls. "I'll let you guys ask questions so you don't have to figure it out by getting pregnant before you decide you're ready." They all nodded and let him eat while they went to talk in the tv room. The other watchers went to make notes so they could make sure the future Council members wouldn't let it ever happen again. The few that found the notes from the old Council about this idea, they handed them to Harris so he could take those moods out on them.
Xander walked into the poker hall in Cleveland, the one the slayers were allowed in. The bartender glared at him but he walked into the back room without having to knock out the guard this time. He stared at them. "I'd really like a list of all the morons involved in this situation. If only so I have to get some exercise for the next eight months."
One of the higher demons stared at him then he noticed his stomach. He frowned and licked what might be lips. "How did that happen?"
"Some lab people who wanted to do weird things. Apparently some higher demons demanded that I carry my clone all the way to term."
"I think they wanted a sacrifice," another one said. He reached a flipper over to pat Xander's stomach, getting swatted for it. "You really are with kit."
"I'm really with clone. It's me." He grinned. "And I've already taken care of one of them that demanded I carry to term so he won't be needing a sacrifice. But I can promise to be amusing if you guys give me a list." He smiled. "Giles thinks my clone will be evil so apparently I need to prove how evil I can be."
"Um, yeah, we can give the slayers a list."
Xander leaned down closer to that one, still smiling. "Why would I need the help? Did you not hear how I've already handled a *bunch* of problems?"
One moaned. "I have," he whined. "Oh, dear. Do the queens and kings you've run into in Africa like this?"
"Haven't gotten back there yet," he admitted. "I'll be going back soon so the girls quit staring at me." He smirked. "Then we'll see. A few might be very happy for me. I might even ask one to train the future me."
A very large demon stomped in. "Harris." He nodded then noticed his stomach. "So that is the reason for all the constipation complaints we're getting."
Xander rubbed his stomach. "Travers paid a group to breed tougher slayers and they decided they needed future watchers so I'm carrying my own clone. I'm looking for a list of demons who prompted and liked this idea. I need something to do for the next eight months. The birth will probably bring an apocalypse but I'll be a bit busy for that one. Better get them before they decide to bless my clone."
"Your future son..." the new demon said.
"No, they made it my literal clone. So I'm pregnant by my self and carrying myself."
The demon stared then backed out of the room slowly. "I will find that list for you if they do not, Knight. Have an easy birthing. We will gladly bless you with an easy pregnancy and birthing." He turned and fled.
Xander grinned at the others. "This is why I need things to do. I'm freaking out too many people."
They all nodded. "Yes, you are," one agreed. "We will find that list for you so you can summon them to Africa."
"Thanks!" He patted one then strolled out. "I'm going to take my freaked out and foul mood out on some vampy vamps since I haven't been on patrol in years." He smirked at the bartender. "Don't warn them."
"No, we will not. Better them than us." He waved. Xander went to go on patrol. Even if Faith would try to stop him and complain about it. Pity she'd lose that argument.
In the back room, the demons mostly burst out swearing at the higher beings. A few were crying but most were swearing about doing this to their orderly society and plans.
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