Childhood Roulette - The Crawling Terror of Doom by voracity

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Xander looked up then at David. He sighed. David stared at him. "I hate the head's up network sometimes. It's nice to know that the gou'ald were trying to warp the SGC's outcome." He sipped some water.

David patted him on the back. "We'll hear from your uncle later, Xander." Xander nodded, getting back to dinner with Jake. He was fun to have dinner with and he didn't treat him like a tiny little kid.

Jake grinned. "Jack already sent out an all-points to us. It's already handled and we'll know Saturday how things are going to be changed." Xander hugged his arm and got back to dinner.

David sent in a text message and put more food on Xander's plate for him then on Jake's. They could eat. At least until someone crying ran in and upstairs to hide. David looked then at Xander, who shrugged and went to find out what had happened. Xander came down a few minutes later. "Her mom wants to take her back to Jersey as a permanent move."

"I doubt her father would like that," David quipped, stuffing his mouth. "She okay?"

"In your closet. I moved the gun."

"Thanks, kiddo. You tell her dad?"

"I have the feeling someone knows," Jake said, waving at someone. Steve nodded back and walked off. Xander grinned but dug into his dinner again. "She need a hug?"

"She said no. I told her to come find us when she was ready for one."

"That'll work. Girls know when they want to have cuddles," Jake agreed. "Will her mother mind?"

"Her mother's pregnant."

"Ah. That sort of mood." He nodded, eating another bite. "Well, her father probably will know where she is." They got back to eating. David carried a plate up there for Grace and left it outside the closet with a bottle of water then came back down to finish dinner. He let Xander and Jake hang out in the living room to talk, watch a movie or six, and hang out. He could sleep in the guest room tonight so he didn't worry Grace since she was still in his closet, but had pulled in the food to eat at least.

***

Danny looked at the judge the next morning during the emergency hearing. "No I don't know where she is!" he said loudly. "If I knew where my little girl was, she'd be beside me so I could comfort her and help her calm down. That way her mother's idiotic decision making won't harm her more!"

Someone in the back of the room cleared his throat. "She's hiding in a closet," Steve told him.

Danny stared at him. "I didn't even think about her running to them."

"David and I talked on our jog this morning when I caught up to him. She's safe. She's cried herself to sleep, refused every hug offer, and is still in the closet around his former uniform."

The judge stared at him. "Commander."

"Yes, ma'am?" he asked.

"Who has the child in question?"

"She ran to my nephew to hide. She knows he'd protect her and his guardian would as well. In fact, that duo have protected her in the past."

"How old is your nephew?"

"Eight."

"Ah. I see. That little one you've been seen with?" Steve smiled and nodded. "Can they present her in a reasonable time?"

"I've texted David and he said she is unwilling to show up here at this time. He can pull her here but she will probably end up having to be carried or tied up and carried. She has stated she will not show up to this farce, her mother is an imbecile as far as she's concerned, and the baby is rotting her mind. Grace has also stated that if she has to move back to New Jersey she will hitchhike back if she has to." The judge nodded once with a grimace. "She's twelve, Your Honor."

"I remember those years with a tiny bit of fondness for my hair," she admitted. She looked at the parents. "Is there some way to work this out?"

"I do have custody," Grace's mother complained. "She has to move if we do."

"She's in an excellent school here," Danny told the judge. "Back there the good schools are a few hours away from their house. The school here is smaller and has a lot more interesting classes than her last one did. I don't begrudge my ex-wife wanting to go back to Jersey. I felt like that for months after I moved here to be with my daughter." He looked over then at the judge again. "I'd never do anything to harm my daughter. I'll stick up for her desire to stay here and I'll find a bigger apartment so she has her own room. If I have to I'll find some way to buy a house, even though that would be a huge problem on my current income. I gave up my whole life, including being around my family, to come be with her here. No one is hurting my little girl. Even Rachel."

The judge tapped her pen a few times. "If she would show up here I'd ask her opinion but apparently she's not in the mood for that."

Steve's phone beeped and he looked at it. "I asked and she said she didn't want to make her mother miscarry by yelling at her about her selfish little attitude problem that was creating hell for everyone else." He looked up. "But she's not sure about anything beyond not being separated from her father again. She doesn't want to live with him, because she said it would be weird at her age as a teenage girl, but she doesn't want to be very far from him." Another text message. "New Jersey has her paternal family, and she misses having them nearby, but two aunts and a grandmother don't equal a father." He looked up again.

Rachel scowled. "Tell my daughter to get here now before I have David arrested for taking in a runaway."

Steve stared at her. "I doubt that would stick, Rachel," he said impatiently. "And that would mean that she and Xander could live together for a bit." Rachel flinched back, shaking her head. "Yeah, you forgot about him." He looked at Danny. Then at the judge. He texted to her again. "She'll be here once she showers and borrows some clothes from David and/or Xander."

"That'll be an hour," Rachel snorted.

"I've seen her do a full shower and change in under ten minutes after a game," Danny quipped.

Steve looked at his phone. "Xander said she's doing the quick girl thing. Plus driving time so thirty, Your Honor."

"We can recess until she gets here. Then I'll talk with her by herself in the office." She looked at the parents. "Is there another adult coming with her?"

"It's entirely possible David will come in with her if she wants. I can request him to join us."

"Please. That way she has an adult she can lean on for a few minutes." The judge banged her gavel gently. "We'll resume after I talk to the young woman in question. Maybe both parents could do the adult thing and talk?" She walked off.

Danny looked at Stan, who shook his head subtly. "I know you'll do whatever you can to protect her, Stan. I'm not against that in any way. I can move back to Jersey too." Rachel sat down pouting about it. "I'm not going to abandon my little girl. No matter what I'm not going to be that far away from her. Girls need their dads."

"Stan's a good father," Rachel defended.

"He is but she's got two so she's an extra lucky little girl," Danny told her. "And we're both good dads to her." Steve moved closer but he looked at him. "Can you show them in?"

"Yeah, I can do that." He went to wait on David and Grace.

Danny looked at his ex-wife. "This is dirtier than usual, Rachel. I don't think it's the pregnancy like Gracie does, but this is dirtier than you've ever been. I don't know this you and if you had been this way, we never would've married." She sniffled. "If I have to take custody of her, I will. I'll gladly take her in. I'll move and all that. Not a problem. Grace needs all her parents though so I don't know what the fuck the hormones are doing to you." He sat down on a bench, staring at them.

Steve was outside when David parked. "It's gotten really nasty," he told the commando.

"I figured it was since she sat in my closet all night instead of letting herself be cuddled and comforted like my sisters would have. I nearly called them to talk to Grace." He walked her and Xander inside. "C'mon, guys."

"The judge wants to talk to her alone but with you present as a reasonable parent substitute," Steve said. "I'm out of the fray at the moment. Danny had me evacuate."

Xander waved a hand. "Have fun with the judge." He went to where Steve pointed, going to blatantly butt in. He sighed as he walked in. "She ate dinner last night in the closet," he announced when they stared at him. "She wouldn't come out until she went to take a shower. I nearly called the bitches I used to know to cuddle her since she wouldn't cry on us." He stared at Rachel. "Did you mean to make your daughter cry?" She slumped, shaking her head. He looked at Danny. "You knew she was safe."

"I thought she went to a classmate friend instead of you two," he admitted, patting him on the back. "She better?"

"David made sure she didn't have a weapon." He looked at Rachel. "You've actually made her say she might hate that kid you're carrying because apparently it's causing you to go evil. Should I find some holy water? A priest? Two priests so we get an old and a young one?" She scowled. He stared back. "I can find some if you want me to."

"No, I'm fine. Thank you, Xander. Why are you here?"

"Do you think David would've left me home alone by myself?" he quipped. "He'd get in trouble for that." She grimaced but nodded. He mentally sighed. Maybe it was time to share a life lesson with people who should've learned it already. "At one time I had all these great plans of a cross-country road trip after graduation. Get out, see actual life, get to see life that doesn't end with a stake or a bite on the throat. See people who had no idea that there's a town where the life expectancy is twenty-six." She shuddered.

"And then things changed because Willow blew up my damn car on me. So I had to get real, and do things like an adult. Which meant a strip club." He looked around to make sure they were alone then at her again. "Sometimes the things we want don't happen. We have to be responsible. In New Jersey are you going to have more than Stan? When you need a babysitter? When you need someone to take the baby so you can nap for a night? Are you going to have anyone there?" She looked at him. "Beyond the help, Rachel. Nannies are great inventions for mothers who can't do it on their own. Are you that weak?"

"No!"

"Are you working full time and need someone to watch your new spawn?"

"No, I don't plan on it."

"Then real women watch their own kids. Which means just you and Stan and the baby. Is that what's best for you or the baby? Do you expect Grace to babysit all the time?"

"Of course not, she's too young," Stan said.

Xander looked at him. "There's places in the world where she'd be getting ready to be married, Stan. And pregnant soon afterward." He grimaced. "I can guarantee you that you're going to be missing out on a lot of things. Even if you hire a nanny so you can have days when you forget you have a kid, what will that do to the baby?"

"Grace had my family all around," Danny agreed, patting Xander on the back. "It won't come to that. If I had to, I'd move back to be closer to Grace and I might babysit sometimes. Doubtful but maybe. I'd be back to being a regular detective again so less hours probably."

"I..." she started.

Xander held up a hand. "If he gave up *everything* to move here to be with his daughter, what makes you think he wouldn't follow her to the ends of the earth. That's what real parents do. I should know, mine weren't anywhere near that so I can find the opposite end to be what real parents are." He stared at her. "If he had custody of Grace and wanted to move, what would you do?"

"Complain," she said. She looked at her ex-husband then at Stan. "I...."

"Go back in the summer," Danny suggested. "That way she's not out of school. You can't get a school equal to hers here back there without moving closer to NYC or Connecticut."

"True," Stan agreed. "The one she would've been attending if we hadn't moved is much larger and has less stringent standards." He looked at Rachel. "I can see doing something like snowbirds do."

"While I'll miss her for the summer, that would also allow her other family to see her more often. I would expect more visitation when she's back here for missing out on those months."

She swallowed. Grace walked in and huffed but hugged her father and Stan then flopped down next to Xander. "Grace?" she asked.

"I'm not talking to you right now, Mother. You've made me unhappy and angry. I'm processing as they say." Xander patted her on the arm. She looked at him. "You're too good at that."

"I grew up with the redheaded menace, Grace."

"Point. I guess." She looked then at him. "David's outside."

"Sure. Yell if you need me." He left, going to sit with David and Steve. "She said I'm too good at deciphering girl moods."

"I got the same training from my sisters," David said, patting him on the back. "Jake had to go back last night."

"That's fine," Steve said. "Jake and Xander can hang out as much as they want." He looked at him. "The same as you could come to hang out with me."

"You haven't been home in three days," Xander said dryly.

"That could be a point," he admitted. He patted him on the back. "We'll figure out how to handle this too."

"I offered to make the guest bed up for her so she didn't have to sleep in the closet again," David quipped. "She scowled at me."

Steve shook his head. "She's a teenage girl, sometimes they have moods," Steve said. "She's usually not that way though. Usually she's a down-to-earth girl."

"Parents fighting will do it to anyone, even if they're not divorced," David said. "I yelled at mine during their fights and they were just having normal people arguments. My sisters were shocked but me telling my mother and father that if they didn't quit I was running away and possibly going to drown myself in the river if they didn't quit worked, they talked instead."

Xander looked at him. "I just hid." He slumped back again.

Steve nodded. "My mom died when I was younger." Xander patted him on the arm. Danny came out and didn't look happy. "Should I help you find a place in New Jersey?"

"Nope. They'll try it over the summer." He sat down with a grimace. "Go explain that to the judge. She heard from the back hallway." Xander groaned but went in there to talk to her. He sighed, thumping his head against the wall. "Grace already promised to hang out with her grandparents and aunt for at least a week." He thumped his head again. "And to run away back here if they tried to make her stay."

"We can help you move to a bigger apartment, Danno," Steve said quietly, patting him on the shoulder. "That way she has a bedroom waiting on her." Danny nodded, thumping his head harder this time. "She'll be fine."

"I know. Still sucks."

"Yeah it does," Steve agreed. "We'll deal with it though."

"I know." He looked at David. "She slept in the closet?"

"Yup. She did eat dinner. I put it outside the closet and she ate it then put the plate back. This morning I offered her the guest bed but she scowled."

"She's a girl. They have girl moods," Danny quipped.

"I remember. I have three sisters. Two older and one younger."

Danny grinned. "I've got two sisters and a brother."

"I've got a sister," Steve said. Xander came out scowling. "She mad at them for it?"

"She said I need drugs. And then I proved it." He smirked a tiny bit. "She's got a headache thanks to all that." Grace laughed as she came out, hugging him. "Thank you."

"The judge thinks that a shrink could help him become more normal."

"I'm perfect the way I am," Xander quipped. "Thanks."

Grace gave him a squeeze. "You'd be weird if you were like Danno." She looked at her father. "Are you okay?"

"Your grandmother will tell me *everything*," he said dryly, staring at her. "And if I have to I'll move to a bigger place so you have your own room." She hugged him. Rachel and Stan came out. "When are you going?"

"A few days after school's out."

Rachel looked at the others. "We'll be perfectly safe there, thank you all for your help."

Xander smirked at her. "I'm going to have someone following her just in case. Because no other girls I know don't nag. I'd hate to lose that."

Rachel scowled. "You could've gotten David in trouble for harboring her last night."

Xander snorted. "They would've yelled at you, not us, Rachel. We're being good family friends. They would've gotten onto us if we were holding her hostage or keeping her there by force. Not exactly the same as her not coming out of a closet all night." Rachel scowled. "Giles does that better and he's just as British and uptight. And landed gentry of some sort or another.

"Hell, Spike does it better and he's a thug. Goodness, girl, you so silly," he said in direct imitation. "And trying to hurt David for being a good friend to your daughter means you're evil. Maybe I'll use my saved wish to make sure no one else has hormones." She stomped off. He waved after her, getting swatted by Danny. "It'd definitely save all the men in the world."

"It would, but it'd stop puberty and those things so we'd all be kids forever," Steve complained. "I'd hate that."

"We're getting ice cream on the way home," David said, getting up with a groan. "C'mon, kiddo."

"Yes, David." He waved. "Have more fun." He followed David out and got into his seat in the back. "I feel like you're my driver."

"I am until you're old enough," David quipped, backing out and heading home via a shave ice stand. When he heard a thump in the trunk he got an extra one. When they got home, he parked in the garage and used the trunk release button before walking inside. Grace's shave ice sat on the counter until she came in to eat it. She and Xander settled in to watch some cartoons he liked. David sent a text message to Steve for Danny. They could pick her up later.

***

Steve looked at his phone. "The two kids are having shave ice and cartoons," he announced.

Danny sighed but sent a text message to Stan. Who said it figured and he was fine with it. Rachel was taking a nap and would expect her home later. He shook his head. "Rachel needed a nap."

"Being an evil bitch takes energy," Kono agreed.

"Xander threatened to have someone make sure no one ever had hormones again," Steve quipped. "We convinced him that'd mean we're all children forever."

"Thankfully no one granted it," Chin said. "I'd hate to be a preteen forever."

"At least I wouldn't have to beat people who pinch," Kono shot back.

"It would definitely work out better for most girls," Danny agreed. "I was a nerdy geek looking boy." He looked at Steve. "Never mind, you were probably close to perfect." Steve shook his head, snorting a tiny bit too. "Seriously? Pictures?"

"Not a chance."

"It'd ruin his rep," Chin quipped.

Danny shook his head, sending a text to David. He said he'd drive her home when she was ready to go, or whenever Rachel called to nag. "Yeah, that'll work," he agreed, typing that back. His phone rang and he stared at it. "Rachel's mother." He walked off. "Hello?" He went outside to talk to her. "No, it was partially settled. She's going to summer in Jersey." He listened to her complain about his neediness as he put it. "Yeah, but she's my little girl and I'll be damned if your daughter is going to use her as a weapon against me."

That got a gasp. "Which your daughter was doing grandly, let me tell you. Not only did she upset Gracie enough that she ran away to a friend's house for the night, and slept in a closet by choice, but ....yes, I know where she went, now. I expected a school friend. Instead she went to a coworker's inherited nephew's house to hide in his guardian's closet. They fed her and all that but she refused to come out until the judge wanted to talk to her about things."

He listened. "No, that is not my choice. My choice would be for Rachel to sit her ass somewhere and mostly stay there. Not like she's moving for work. Plus, Gracie's got a better school here! So yeah, she's trying to move her somewhere that's got a lesser education and to piss me off. Your daughter's pregnant and a real piece of work again. Same as she was the last time. Everyone who's met her has called her evil recently as well. One offered to find holy water and a few priests." His former mother-in-law sneered something.

"No, that's not my doing. That's Rachel's doing. All on her. I just protested that she couldn't completely take my daughter away from me. Yeah, and with the new one, I stand a better chance of getting full custody anyway. She's already getting a nanny for it. Proves she doesn't really want to be a mother." His mother-in-law sneered something else and hung up. Danny shrugged and called Stan. "Your mother-in-law is being a shrew and decided all this was my doing as I goaded her into making bad decisions. So beware of her calling ta bitch.

"Yeah, that dragon breathed bitch is back. Have fun with her. No, she's having shave ice and cartoons with Xander. Yeah, David said he'd drop her off if necessary. Yeah, she's not great but she'll deal. Oh, and I told her mom that because of the new kid I'd push harder for full custody just to hear her snap. I'm happy if Gracie is and she seems to mostly be happy with what we have at this moment. Yeah, totally. Guess she woke up the baby? Have fun with that, Stan. Remember, you can probably go hide with Xander and David too." He hung up and went back inside. "My former mother-in-law is one thing I do not miss about my marriage," he said when everyone stared at him.

"I'm glad mine's nice," Chin told him.

Danny nodded. "Yes you are. The dragon breathed bitch blows nothing but foul air. Especially about me being menial. I can't believe she decided I had goaded Rachel into that move. Her words exactly."

"Some parents can find no fault in their children," Steve reminded him.

"Thankfully I'm a realistic parent. Because *damn*." The others all grinned. He sent a text message to his daughter about that call, including the custody demand to make her grandmother snap. She sent back a 'wow, I'm going to have all the hormone causing things pulled out before I get any of them since apparently it's most women in the family, not just the pregnant ones. Danny pointed out that would mean no kids and sometimes the pill stopped those for months. When she was old enough to need one, and he had accepted that fact when she was eighty, she could ask about that. Her laugh back made him happy so that was great.

***

Xander looked up and waved Rachel into the house. "I'm too tired to get up, sorry." He yawned and curled up again. "What's up?"

"You know you shouldn't hide my daughter from me. That could get you and David into legal trouble."

Xander blinked up at her. "You realize that you're wrong, and being stupid?" he shot back. He sat up with a groan. "First, giving a kid who's running away a safe place to hide isn't really against the law. Any officer would tell you that and talk to her about why she ran away. They might bring her back home if they thought it was a stupid reason but in that case, I'm pretty sure they would've brought her to her father instead at her request.

"Secondly, would you rather have her hanging out all night in a park?" She glared. He stared back. "Your mood swings are causing you brain damage." She tried to hit him but he blocked it and David came out to haul her off and out back. Where he called Danny and Stan both to talk to them. Xander sighed, laying back down. His hellhound puppy friend showed up and he curled up with her. "Thanks, step-puppy." He yawned again. "It was a long night with the happy party up the street being so loud."

Steve strolled in. "They out back?" The dog barked. "Thanks. Rest, Xander."

"She tried to slap me when I told her the mood swings were ruining her mind. She tried to tell me us letting Grace hide was illegal and we'd get arrested."

"Hell no." He went out there to look at her. "A judge sent me to tell you to stop blowing things out of proportion and quit making your husband have a fit before we can't finish convicting a child molester he's testifying against today."

"It's illegal!" she shouted with a point at David.

"No it's not," Steve said. He called someone. "Duke, me."

"Yes, Commander," the local patrol supervisor said patiently.

"I need you to answer a question for Danny's ex-wife about his daughter running away. She ran to a friend of the team's, and hers, and hid all night in a closet. Rachel believes that would get David and Xander arrested for hosting her."

"Nope. The officer would talk to the kid and try to talk them home or to an alternate parent that had reasonable custody expectations," he said. "That's how the rule was written exactly when someone asked the last Chief of Police to clarify the Yoda speaking law. Frankly, if that's who I think it is, she was a lot safer there than she would've been at a friend's house. At least you can trust that little guy to guard her in case something happened. And also to talk her out of the closet you said she hid in."

"We offered, she refused to come out of the closet," David told him. "Even for a hug from Xander."

The patrol supervisor snorted. "Sometimes girls are like that. It's all hormones. Even if the custodial parent complained we wouldn't do more than give them a ticket to appear and that would be an extremely forced decision unless the officer thought she was in danger. I've seen that little guy do many things but they were all protective."

"We'd like to hear about them," David quipped. "Because he never tells us and he sneaks off sometimes."

"Yup, if we catch him doing it, we'll nag."

"Thank you." He looked inside the house then at Steve. "The neighbors had a wedding last night."

"That happens and it's a good day for a nap," Steve agreed. "I have to get back to the courthouse anyway." He looked at Rachel, who was just huffing and glaring. "Sorry, but that is the law, Rachel. Thanks, Duke." He hung up and put his phone back. It had been Danny's suggestion so she didn't have to take their word for it. "With as sensible as Grace usually is, her running away is an extreme act and we'd worry about what caused it.

"She's not like some kids that will run away at the word 'no'. And really, wouldn't you rather have her somewhere safe instead of in the park overnight or at a friend's house where her friend was getting her to drink? Because two of her classmates already have alcohol problems. I can only imagine why." She shrank away from him. "You really need to talk to your doctor about your mood swings, Rachel. You're not usually like this."

"Xander wanted to find some priests and holy water," David quipped.

"I don't think she's possessed," Steve said, looking at her again. "If so, we might have to." He shrugged. "I'd have to look those up. I have no idea about them."

"We have a book but it's in Latin," David admitted.

"I'll take it later and translate it online." He looked at Rachel again. "Want driven home? That way you get there safely?"

"No. I'm fine." She stomped off. David followed to make sure she didn't snap at Xander again. Steve came in shaking his head as he headed out. Xander slept through that stomping off thankfully. David sent a message to Danny that the yelling had stopped, she was heading home, and Steve was heading back to the courthouse.

Danny was taking a direct path, calling Rachel's doctor. "Hi, I'm the ex-husband of a patient and she's pregnant. She's got some extreme mood swings that have gotten her pulled into court twice now. Can you make a note to have a talk with her about that?" The nurse said something. He gave her Rachel's name and date of birth then told her what had happened. She agreed that was a bit excessive and she'd make a note, and that they had heard that already from her current husband. Danny grinned and thanked her before hanging up. Hopefully they'd get her on something to help those problems. Before everyone else needed those drugs too.

***

David and Xander were dragged to Chin and Kono's family dinner, with Steve and Danny, and they were nice to them. Xander got a lot of fussing over, making him hide behind Steve. Steve looked back at him after the first time then smiled at the older lady. "He's not used to people fussing over him. His parents were horrible."

She smiled. "That's fine. A young boy his age needs some mothering."

Danny grinned, shaking his head from where he was sitting. "The only thing he understands about mothering is someone who bakes for his sweet tooth. He tried to avoid us putting on bandaids at first. Tried to hide inside an air vent to get away from us checking his booboos."

"Awwww. Poor little guy but he'll learn better. Plus it'll help Kono remind herself that she's a woman and would someday like kids."

Xander peeked out. "I love Kono like a sister but she can't bake and she's not pushy about girl things. I hate girls. They're weird and clingy and do stupid stuff that annoy me like nagging."

She smiled and patted him on the head. "Not all girls. Some are tough ones like Kono, dear." She went to talk to her niece.

Steve pulled Xander around, letting him sit next to him. "You can hide over here."

"Thanks. I accidentally left David to the women though."

Steve looked then shrugged. "They're flirting. If he needs saved from them he'll go hide behind Chin."

"That's cool. David could use a nice girlfriend and a night off to enjoy how she wiggles for him. It's been a while for the guy."

Steve patted him on the back. "We'll make sure your first girlfriend is nice when you're old enough."

Xander looked at him. "You realize that Cordelia and Anya were the nicest ever, right? I mean one was a mummy that was having to kill to regain her form and life. I felt sorry for her, she was sacrificed against her will."

Steve looked down at him then at Danny. "From what I've heard they'd end up on our caseload so we'll be able to wait on him to get done. First time's always fast."

Xander snorted, looking at him. "I may have to build back up the stamina that Anya trained into me but not the skills, Danny."

"Uh-huh. We'll see. Remember, going to be a while."

"Oh, I know. And it sucks badly." He sighed. The food table was suddenly clear of people. "I'm going to get something to eat." He snuck over past all the fussy people and got a plate from the shrimp truck guy. "Thanks," he said with a grin. "They're fussing so I'm hiding." He scurried back to Steve's seat to sit and eat.

Steve grinned at the older woman coming over to fuss. "Have you met my nephew Xander? I and a few others inherited him because his parents are missing."

"Awww." Xander looked up at her, still chewing. She pinched his cheek. "Steve's a good man to take you in."

"I share him with two other uncles," Steve said. "One's in Colorado and the other's active duty with the Army."

"That's sweet of you." She stared at Xander. "I hope you learn from Steve about how to be a good boy."

Xander swallowed, staring up at her. "I'm a very good, protective boy already, ma'am. Ask Danny, I drive his daughter nuts protecting her." He smiled. "Maybe he'll teach me how to surf some day but otherwise I'm a pretty good boy." She snorted but pinched Steve's cheek and walked off. "I need to hide harder," he muttered, stuffing his mouth again.

"You'll get used to all the cousins," Danny assured him. "My family reunions are like this only a bit louder. We always have at least two cousins fighting over something stupid."

Xander looked at him. "But I don't have to go to that. You can bring David to introduce him to nice girls, unlike the ones on that show about Jersey's shore."

Danny shook his head. "Those are young, stupid victims, kiddo. Most of Jersey ain't like that."

"Thankfully or Rutgers would be worse," Xander quipped.

"True. That's interior though." He gave him a smug look. "Finish up so you can hide. I can hear Kono's mom." Xander took his plate with him under the table. Steve and Danny shared a smirk. Xander managed to sneak off and go find a quieter corner after a few more fussing women tried to get him to come out so they could coddle and fuss over him. He found some younger teens talking about how giggolo they were. Xander looked up at the one staring down at him. "You know giggolos are actually male prostitutes, right? So how much do you charge? David's got sisters and they might like you since you're cute and young." A few laughed but the main ones spluttered and choked. "Though I wouldn't think about bragging about that near Danny. He has a huge fit about pros." He heard a female and looked around. "Shit, they found me again." He ran off and went to hide in Steve's truck. He could hide and nap in there until the torture was done with.

"Man!" one of the kids complained. Kono looked over. "That kid has no sense of modern culture! Giggolos aren't pros!"

"Yes they are," she said. "No matter what the rap songs tell you, yes they are. They're male pros and they get paid shit wages just like the ladies do. You have fun if that's your future career goals but I wouldn't tell me more than that since I'd have to arrest you then call your mother to come bail you out, cuz." That teenage boy walked off pouting with his posse. She looked at that one's mother, who just rolled her eyes. "I'd call as soon as I heard he was arrested for it," she promised with a smile. "Then pop popcorn."

Her aunt patted her on the arm. "I'd have to decide if I was going to make it last that long or not, Kono, dear. Where is that young boy?"

"Hiding from all of us older women. He's very against being fussed over."

"That figures. Why isn't Steve raising him?"

"With as often as he gets shot at?"

"That's a good point."

"David's a nice guy. Xander's other uncle is a general and he picked David from some of his former guys. He's got sisters so he understands how the women around Xander warped him so tragically and all that he's seen."

"That's good. I understand perfectly." She looked at Danny, Steve, and Chin where they were joking. "Too bad Steve won't just man up and admit it." She walked off going to find her daughter to make sure she was behaving. She and her friend were talking about clothes that were way too showy.

"But, Mom, boys like them."

"The boys who can't imagine what your breasts look like without seeing them are too dumb for you," Kono called with a grin. "Their minds are dull and weak if they can't imagine what a pair of breasts look like. Not like they look much different in more than size, niece. Get a boy that's not that dumb before you bring down the bloodline by having kids with that sort."

"Yes, Aunt Kono," she complained, pouting at her. "Boys my age don't like classy girls."

"Then don't date those lame asses," she shot back.

"Mom would freak out if I went for high school boys."

"That's because all they want is your panties and what's inside them," her mother said firmly. "You can wait."

Danny walked over. "One of my daughter's classmates is already having her period," he said quietly to the mom. "She's almost ten." The mother gave him an odd look. "Yeah, I had to move up talking to my daughter about all that stuff. Another two were wondering about what to do with their breasts so were looking up ...movies after school during a study session to find out what to do with them. Thankfully my daughter knows hers aren't that important yet."

The mother looked her daughter over. "It may be time to talk about periods and that stuff then."

"Too late that," her daughter quipped. "I've had that now for six weeks, Mom."

"Straight?" she demanded.

"No. Thankfully not. I would've whined about that."

"We are having a talk later, daughter."

"I figured," she said dryly. She looked at Danny. "How old's your daughter?"

"Eleven. And we had that talk with her recently. Right after someone I used to work with sent out announcements about his future grandchild from a daughter that's only a few months older than my Gracie." The mother shuddered. "Mixed kids party with parental liquor."

"Oh, those poor parents and that girl." She looked at hers. "You know I'll kill you, right?"

Her daughter nodded. "It doesn't look interesting anyway."

"GOOD!" She pulled her daughter off to talk with some of her favorite female relatives.

Danny grinned at the other girl. "She'll escape in a few minutes. You see where Xander went?" She pointed. "Parking lot?"

"Yeah. I heard a car door slam too."

"Thanks. Go have food. You're too skinny." He went to talk to Steve again. "Xander's in some car."

"We can check later," Steve agreed. He sipped his beer, watching the family nag the teenagers. "We should have that talk with Xander too," he decided.

"Not like it won't be years," Chin reminded him.

"We hope," Danny agreed. "Though David asked what he should do about the lady who's sending him interesting letters."

Chin looked over at David. "I'd save him but my cousins are mean and I'd hate to die. Steve, cover me?"

"Not even close," he said with a grin. "They scare me, Chin." Kono laughed as she joined them. "What sort of interesting letters?"

"That's all he said," Chin admitted. "He asked me about how to handle letters." Danny nodded he agreed.

Kono looked over. "They're just teasing. No one's decided to go for him. Hey, David," she called, waving a hand over. "Come tell us about whoever's writing the kid."

"Excuse me, ladies." He smiled and went to hide with them. "Thank you," he said quietly. He had learned how to be partially diplomatic at the SGC but not even the alien women who had only wanted sperm had been that insistent. "Where's the kid?"

"Somewhere in the parking lot hiding in a car," Danny said. "Sophie's friend there heard a car door slam."

"That's fine. He could probably use the rest." He sat down, looking at Steve. "I've now got three letters of interest from an international assassin who wants to hook him up with her daughter."

Steve stared at him then checked his beer before drinking a careful sip. "Did I hear you correctly?"

"Yeah, you did."

"Is she here?" Danny asked. "Or local usually?"

"No clue and no idea how to find out. I nearly went to Jerry to ask him but I doubt he's heard of her."

"Bring the letters in tomorrow," Steve said.

"I can do that." One of Kono's cousins came over to flirt with David again. He grinned. "Hi."

"David, I've got the kid tonight. He said you needed a night off," Steve said.

"Thanks," he said, smirking at him. He could throttle Steve for shoving him at the mercy of those sharks. She led him off, though he did look back and give Kono a 'save me' look.

She grinned and waved. "She's nice enough and not freaky, David. Her former husband was always too tired for her so be good to her." She sipped her drink, looking at Danny. "You could use a new date, brah."

"Yeah, but I do okay most of the time," he admitted with a smirk. "Thanks though."

"Welcome."

"I think we should introduce your family to mine. It'd keep mine from fighting for entertainment and yours would have new people to flirt with," Danny quipped.

"That would be a loud family meeting," Chin complained. "And a lot of food too."

"Hey, leftovers to take home," Kono quipped with a grin. "Saves me from cooking dinner a few nights in a row."

"Good point," Chin agreed.

"It'd take most of a 747 from Jersey to get them all here," Steve said. "Or the ones here to New Jersey."

"Pity, man," Chin said, watching his cousins circle David. "Because they're going to eat him." Kono nodded.

"We can save him if someone else doesn't," Steve said. Another younger woman came over to save David by pulling him over to dance with her to the music being played.

When it was time to go home, Steve checked a few cars and found a snoring lump in his so he waved. Danny nodded and got into his own car to go home. Steve got into the truck, going as quietly as he could to not wake the kid. Xander stayed asleep even when he parked and got out, carrying him inside to the couch. Xander got to nap down there under a throw blanket that Danny and Grace had both used to sleep on the couch before. Steve went up to strip down and sleep. He'd wake up if the kid did, probably.

***

Xander flinched awake near dawn, looking around. He frowned, checking the couch then the room again. "Steve's?" he muttered. He snuck into the kitchen. "Yup, Steve's." He thought about going to the bathroom but it was only five in the morning and he didn't want to wake Steve up so he'd hold it for a few more hours. It wouldn't be later than eight. He laid there reading one of the magazines on the table. When Steve's shower came on, Xander sighed in relief and ran to the bathroom to use it.

Steve, who had heard that, smiled. The kid was being polite. By the time he came down the couch was straightened up and Xander was in the fridge. "Want breakfast? I usually swim before I eat."

"No, I'm okay," he said, looking up at him. "I was checking on caffeine." Steve pointed at the coffee maker then went outside. "Sure, I can do that." Steve came in to make a pot and pour the kid a cup then went back to stretching before his swim. Xander grinned, settling in to drink his breakfast. He could get real food later since Steve's fridge was full of things that no one he knew could eat. Steve came in and was already on his phone, barking orders. Xander sighed but made sure he had his shoes and things. Steve came down and Xander followed him out to the truck, getting in and buckling himself up. Steve glanced at him and nodded, driving them off to the scene.

Kono looked over then called someone. "David, me. Xander's here waiting in Steve's truck. We got called in on an early body." He hung up with a groan. She put her phone back. "He'll be here soon."

"That's fine. Xander knows to stay in the truck. And use it to run someone over if they cause problems for us." Danny parked and got out with a door slam, walking over. "Morning."

"Morning." He came over to look at the body. "That's pretty gross." They all heard the truck start and suddenly it ran over someone who had a video camera that wasn't professional quality. She shrieked but didn't die when the truck pinned her. Danny walked over, already scowling. "What did you to do make the kid run you over, lady?" He tossed Chin the camera since he was walking over. "The kid ran her over."

"Interesting." He viewed the footage she had already taken. "Of the crime scene. She filmed it," he called.

"Her sister's an assassin who thinks I'm cute," Xander called with a wave and a grin for her. "Hi. How're you?"

"You and my niece would be great together," she admitted. "Damn. I thought my sister was weird."

Danny hauled her up to cuff her. "Nope. Not allowed. Sorry. He's got to date nice girls so my daughter has a good example to follow." He walked her off to a squad car. "Make sure she's in a sealed room. Her sister's an assassin."

"We heard," one quipped. "Want one of us to take the kid too?"

"Nah. He's good. He'll nap or something for the next few." He walked off. "Thanks though. We shouldn't be too long since she had film."

"Welcome." He got in to drive the lady back to the station. This was so weird. Especially that mini McGarrett.

***

Xander nearly passed out but he was already on a couch so at least his dizziness wasn't caught. The others were working, no one had any food in their desks, he knew that already, and he was starving. Xander waited until he could get up then hiked down to Jerry's office. He usually had at least something to eat. "Jerry," he called into his office.

"Bathroom," he called from up the hall.

"Okay." He went in to look at his desk. No food. Which was very weird. Jerry came in a minute later. "Do you have anything I can eat?"

"Did they forget to feed you?" he asked. Xander nodded. "Crap. No, I had to clean things out for a bug check. I've got a few bucks for the machine."

Xander waved a hand and shook his head. "Empty of everything but the chips that give you the runs and makes you sick when you eat them because they taste funny."

"Eww. I hate those." He walked him back, pausing to pick the kid up since he was so slow. This was not normal Xander behavior. He walked in and stared at Danny and Steve, two experienced with kids people. "Did you forget something today?"

"You didn't have to go bug Jerry," Danny said, taking him to hold. "We would've given you a new book or something, Xander."

"Try eating," Jerry said. Danny winced but nodded. "Machines are empty. My office is empty thanks to the bug check."

"None of us tend to keep food in here," Steve muttered. "Sorry, kiddo. Danny, he had coffee for breakfast."

Jerry stared at him. "Was that today? Because you haven't left the office in a day."

Danny smacked himself on the head. "I forgot you were here, kiddo. Sorry."

"I can handle it," he said. "That's why I went to bug Jerry."

"Yeah, not allowed," Danny said. "C'mon, we'll go get everyone something to eat. Kono, salad?"

"Oh, please," she snorted. "I'm not a rabbit. Get real food, brah."

Steve had to grab the kid since he just wobbled. "Shit." He took him to the office. "Someone go get food he'll eat." Danny and Kono left together. "Sorry, Xander. Maybe I should give you back to David again."

Jerry was calling David, walking off talking to him. He promised he'd be there soon. And that the SG doc was in again. That was going to be a loud fit.

David showed up shortly after food appeared. "Hey, Steve, Lam's here," he called as he walked in.

"It was an accident. We forgot he was here," Danny said. "And didn't get to eat ourselves."

Doctor Lam stared at him. "I should hit you for that. That's not good for you or the kid."

"He passed out," Jerry said quietly. "He's being fed by Steve."

"Good!" She went in to check him over. "I came in to do your usual check and give you shots." Xander grimaced. "I know but still necessary." She smirked. "Finish up. I'll nag your caregivers." She stared at Steve.

"It was purely accidental, Doctor Lam. I forgot and I take full responsibility for that."

"At least I'm not a tiny baby," Xander quipped. "Then it would've been a real problem."

"You passed out. That's a real problem," Steve told him. He sighed and stared at her. "I forgot he was here. He was in here reading for most of it."

"No, I went to talk to some of the patrol officers," Xander said. "They were being uptight thanks to the higher ups being in to nag about stupid things that they did to themselves." He ate another bite of burger. "It made the higher ups huff off in a snit that the officers were forced to not listen to them whine."

"That figures." Steve looked at him. "Next time, tell me!"

"I will," he sighed, stuffing his mouth again.

"You haven't eaten since the family dinner thing. You only had coffee that morning." He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm a massive fuck up as an uncle."

"I could've handled it if the machine wasn't empty," Xander told him.

"That's my job, not yours," Steve told him.

"Enough," Lam ordered. "We'll handle it. Xander, it's his and David's job to feed you." She gave him a pointed look. "It's making him feel miserable. In the future, pop up to make sure they eat with you because them going without for over a day isn't good for them either." She checked him over. "You've got a fever."

"I had the flu a few days back," Xander said.

"Uh-huh. You still have the flu. Or the effects of it." She ran the scanner over him. "Yup, you do." David groaned, hauling Xander up. "Get him into a good bath and feed him soft stuff tonight." Xander got the other half of his burger to eat on the way out to the car. She looked at Steve. "You need to quit ignoring that. It's a biological need for a reason, Commander." He grimaced but nodded. "From now on, I'll expect him to remind you to eat if you're together for that long.

"Though, not half as bad as Jake did since he didn't realize Xander had some of his beer sauce covered salad that once." She patted him on the arm. "You'll both be fine. Go eat something." He nodded, going to do that. She walked out, smiling at Danny since he was scowling at the table. "He knows from now on to come nag you to eat with him. That way you all quit forgetting. Unless it's an emergency of course." They all nodded. "You need to quit skipping meals too. You can't run down and chase people on no fuel, people." She made notes and went back to the house to check on her patient.

"Even I forgot he was here and he was napping on my couch," Danny said gently. Steve nodded, still grimacing at his own failure. "Hey." Steve stared at him. "Even I forgot and I've got a kid. Quit. Now. He could've said something and didn't because of all that fucked up shit he's been through. The same as you wouldn't have said a thing about being hungry, just went to find something."

"Yeah, I guess. I think that's why he went to mug Jerry's office." He frowned but let it clear up. "We've got to be more careful."

Danny nodded. "We will be. She's right, we all gotta eat soon. Before Chin looks like a fainting damsel or something."

Chin snorted, shaking his head. "I snuck some peanuts last night. I forgot Xander was here too."

"So we'll do better," Kono said firmly. The others nodded. "And we won't tell any of the nagging ones so we don't have to hear about this forever."

"Agreed," Chin said dryly. "The aunts will never let that go."

"Or Rachel," Danny said. "Or Gracie." He winced and called her. "If you were supposed to go hang with Xander, he's been with us at the office. Sorry, Gracie." He grinned. "That's good. No, Doctor Lam said that he's coming down from the flu. So call first, kiddo. Thanks." He hung up and sighed. "She was supposed to go over tonight."

"We would've went looking for him then," Kono said. "She's going to be better than you are at nagging, Danny."

"Thanks." He grinned. "It's hereditary." The others all smiled and found a take out menu to call something in before the doctor came back with needles to give them shots too. They had heard stories from David about the doctors at the SGC.

***

Xander looked at himself a few days later, then sighed. "David, I'm growing again."

"Kids do that," he assured him, hiding his grin.

"I'm not shopping."

"Sure, we can get you a sarong, Xander."

"Not like I'm a skirt wearing guy, David." He came out to stare at him. "I'm really not. And even then I'd probably outgrow them soon too." He walked off to take off the shorts and just wear boxers for a bit.

"Grace is coming over later," David reminded him. He looked at him. "Nothing fits?"

"Unless it's in the wash, no."

"Let me check the wash before she has to giggle over guy bodies." He went to check the wash and the dryer. The washer had stuff that had soured it had sat there so long. He restarted it and added more detergent. The dryer had towels. He had wondered where those were so he folded them. He took them to the bathroom and then went back to making them breakfast. "I saw your blue shorts."

"I think we were washing those to take them to a thrift store," Xander admitted with a frown and a pout.

"Could be. We could run out for something." He looked at him. "Ordering things will probably take at least a week. You can't run around nearly naked for that long. Especially since you've been called to talk to the local demon community school in a few days, kiddo."

Xander winced. Then a thought hit and he sat up straighter. "I ordered last week."

"I can see where it is," he said, pulling that up on his laptop since it was on the breakfast bar. "It says it's delivered." He went to check the porch and mailbox. Sure enough, two packages. He brought them in and saw the telltale twinkle. "Someone's magicing your stuff."

"That might matter to some things but not everything. Some was getting tight last month." He took the package with his name on it to look inside. They were Barbie clothes. He looked up then smirked. "Sure, let me run around naked around my cousins and those sort. Really. I'm told the healing thingy made sure I can have kids again." The spells ended and he grinned. "Thanks. Really." He went to put on the new pair of jeans and came out with a sigh. "I really need to find out who that is and beat them to death with something hard."

"It's probably some minion of that hell goddess that wants you when you're old enough."

"Maybe. Then it'd be a justified hell no beating I guess."

A demon appeared, already sneering. "I am not a minion!" he shouted. "And you are an uppity mortal boy!"

"Who is a hunter, even if I'm a tiny one," Xander shot back before throwing his knife at the demon. It shrieked and died. "And learning new skills daily," he quipped. "Thanks for teaching me that, David."

"Not a problem. Clean up the mess before cops arrive. The neighbors are nosy enough to call them." Xander nodded, going to get an already dirty towel to clean up the demon blood on the floor. He looked over as someone knocked and went to open the door. "Sorry, had a stalker show up." He went back to cleaning up his mess. "David, I can't drag him outside."

"I can do that, kiddo." He grinned at the officer. "That one magically made all the kid's clothes shrink so he had to run around nearly naked. When we complained he showed up to complain at us."

The officer just nodded. "That's really weird."

"Sometimes they think I'm like candy but I'm kinda mean," Xander said with a grin. "I don't want this one's scaley ass. Especially at my age."

"I get that," the officer agreed, nodding a few times. "Can you do it without burning?"

"I can drop him off at the local Council center in a few minutes," David promised.

"That's fine. Just be a bit more quiet please. The neighbor thought you were being attacked by animals again."

"We had a possessed dog stuck on us a few weeks back," Xander told him. "It thought I was fun too." The officer just nodded and left them to it. Xander looked at David. "Trunk of the car?"

"Yeah, good idea." He got the demon's body into the truck while Xander made breakfast more portable and turned off the coffee maker. They drove the demon there so David could hand it to one of the community center guards. "He showed up to tell Xander that he wasn't shrinking his clothes for the hell goddess who thinks he's hot." He went back to the car and they went home. Xander still had schoolwork to do.

The guard carried the body in there to report that to his boss. Who was not amused but that happened around hunters at times.

***

Buffy looked up as soldiers ran up to where she and Willow were having lunch. "Guys," she warned when she was grabbed and walked off. "Hey, my purse," she complained. It was grabbed with her lunch. At least Willow was being hauled with her. "What's going on? New emergency with demons?" Buffy demanded, looking at the guy holding her.

"No, ma'am, you're going to have to fill in for the soldiers your witch turned into cute animals for daring to protect us all. Since it's her fault, you get to die for them. The president said so. We're getting you some help of course but she did it so she has to fix it by what we're told."

Buffy glared at Willow. "You did what?"

"They're interfering in demon things!" she defended in a pouty whine. "It's going to get the peaceful communities more notice and they're going to get attacked. Those gou'ald are demons, Buffy."

"They're not," one of the soldiers said. "They're alien." Willow glared at him. "Had to have one removed from my gut, Miss Rosenburg. It wasn't demonic by any means. You did it, you deal with it. By the way, we're looking for one of your people. Where is Mr. Harris?"

Buffy looked at him. "Long story that has a wish involved."

"He's dead," Willow ground out, getting free. They hauled her off anyway, no matter how much she tried to fight back.

Buffy looked at the guy pulling her, stopping him. "Xander got deaged by a wish," she said very quietly, making sure Willow couldn't hear. "She's under a memory charm to believe he's dead so she's better than the deaging thing was causing."

"Got it," he agreed.

"He's also known as Jack O'Neill's nephew."

He grinned. "We know about that little guy. We can talk to him later."

"He's got a guardian who was one of you guys."

"Great! We could use the help." He got her into the van and they took her off. Buffy did send text messages to Wesley, Fred, and Giles just in case. Willow was now unconscious. The soldier looked at her. "Done?" She nodded, tucking her phone into her purse. He knocked her out too. The soldiers shared a look. "The little nephew that O'Neill inherited? Call his guardian. He was one of us."

"Got it," the driver agreed. "And he's got a SEAL uncle who could probably help us too. At least until she changes everyone back. Thankfully Atlantis was left alone. I can only imagine Sheppard taking her out for it if he was suddenly a cat."

"Or McKay a bird," one of the guys in the back quipped. "The screaming would never end."

"Don't remind me," the driver said. "He's already screaming about magic."

***

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