Imagine: The List
Fic posted by members of Vo's Imaginings YahooGroup


"Movie commandos are all unrealistic and normal," McKay complained over lunch. "Rambo..."

"Was a Vietnam vet," Xander said from down the table, looking at him. "And I think special forces too." He stuffed his mouth. "Most of the ones on movies are former military. Or they learned from someone who was." He ate another bite.

McKay stared at him then at Mitchell, who nodded while he chewed. "You'd worry about those sort with guns if they didn't have that training and they'd be worse at it," Carter agreed. "Though I'm sure some of those militias raise people like that too. And with just as little sense."

McKay shook his head quickly. "I can't wait until they come into the popular view."

"Probably too late," Xander quipped. "Some have went hunting demons. They lost but they wanted to be so tough." He shrugged at her then grinned. "They also think that guns solve everything and they don't."

"Many people think that guns solve all problems," McKay told him. "Thankfully you know better."

"Knives and stakes and crossbows, oh my," Xander quipped back. McKay rolled his eyes and stuffed his mouth before he could comment. "By the way, the math program you signed me up for? I couldn't pass algebra with someone cheating for me and she didn't pass it either the first time. There's no way you're getting me into math that way, sorry." He shrugged but smiled. "It's not going to happen."

"You could learn more practical maths, kiddo," John Sheppard said as he joined them with his own lunch. "I learned plenty of math and got a degree in it."

"I can do some things that're practical but otherwise? Nope. Not my skill set. Not my interest. Not my fantasy girlfriend. My nightmare but nothing closer to me than that. I have hellgods who want to own me who I like more than math."

John nodded. "You can't be great at everything. You can try though."

"I did. I failed the sixth grade math class. Twice now." He gave him a look. "I like construction stuff. That's basic, practical math that I can use a calculator on."

"So we'll work on other things. Maybe chemistry?"

"I learned thermite the first time around. Some acids. Not much else."

John grimaced. "How much of that was the school and how much was your fault?"

"The teacher didn't care if they flicked acid on the other students but it was *boring*. I passed biology because the shape changer ate the teacher and wanted me to fertilize her eggs for her. And Willow puked on my frog. Some of us are more manual, grunt labor stuff. No matter how many people want us to be more like James Bond. I look sucky in a suit too."

"That could be a fitting and style issue," John said. "Every guy looks bad in the wrong suit."

"I looked bulky and uncoordinated. And I felt the same way. I almost felt like I was growing a skull ridge and dragging my hands on the ground."

"We can work on that when you're older," John told him. "When it's likely to come up."

"No public school so no prom this time," Xander quipped, smirking at him. "And no nympho who wanted to take me."

"Point," McKay sighed. "We'll figure out how to expand your education."

"I finally got grammar lessons," Xander quipped, staring at him.

"I'm not giving up. We'll find new things to teach you, kiddo. Maybe you can do grunt things like the soft scientists around here." He stared at him.

Xander shrugged. "That might be interesting but then I'd have to compare back to demons and their societies."

"That might be helpful in some ways," John admitted. "We've run into two now. The social scientists were amazed at their cultures."

"That might be interesting but I'd have to worry about them realizing a few things. Would those sort mind who I am?" Xander asked.

"I'm not sure if they've heard anything from down here," John said.

"Yeah, they've got a great info pipeline." David sat down at the table, grinning at Sheppard. "Two of them have better intel systems than the CIA. I asked one about his dossier and known skills. They were *highly* amused."

"Great. Anything too bad?" McKay asked.

"Jeez, no," Xander whined, shaking his head.

"Oh, they were complimentary," David said with a grin for him. "Felt sorry for you too. But they also think that you're going to not make it to adulthood this time."

"Yes I will." He smirked. "I know very well there's bets about that and the price on my head from the Council. That's one reason why I played kitten poker. That and I'm not falling to *anything* less than an apocalypse battle. Sunnydale didn't kill me. This won't kill me. Piss me off, but not kill me."

David and the others stared at him. "At least you can channel the anger," McKay reminded him.

"I do try," he agreed then smirked. "But then the gou'ald showed up to court me."

David sighed but nodded. "Yes and one tried to follow you. One made bail and Danny said they caught them booking a flight to Denver." Xander burst out in giggles. "Sure, you do that now."

"One that wants me to be their queen or one who wants me to be their war god?" Xander asked, smirking at him.

"Their queen." He looked at Sheppard. "One of them is thinking he'd make a perfect queen."

"He's a boy," John said. "I didn't know the gou'ald had same-sex pairings."

"Yes, they do," one of the social scientists called over. "Mostly the younger ones."

"One of the former queens wanted me to be her husband's new body but she went poof into a ball of fire one morning," Xander called with a grin and a wave. "She thought I'd be a great new body for her husband or stepson she'd rather have anyway." He looked at John then at David. "Was it the pretty brunette one with the boobs?"

"No, the blonde one."

"Huh. Pity. She couldn't even cook scrambled eggs. She so sucked at making breakfast." He ate a bite of his sandwich.

Everyone else stared at David, who shrugged. "I woke up to go make breakfast and found her fussing over him at the table, having made scrambled eggs that were kind of rubbery, and burned toast." Xander nodded at that. "And she made crap coffee. Her brunette friend that took over did it much better the time she managed to sneak in. Though she did get freaked out at Anya's toys she sent him. That's what woke me up, her ewww fit about special toys."

"Anya did have some really freaky versions," Xander reminded him. "Even I had to look them up on demon sites to see what species they came from."

The social scientist came over to look at him. "You're a child."

"Not exactly." He grinned. The whole room flashed and then went dark. Xander looked up. "I think that was magic."

"I know it was magic," David complained. "Hey, kid, go find O'Neill." Xander took his lunch and ran off. "Anyone else...."

"Yeah," John Sheppard said. "So that magical burst was bad and trying to control us." He finished his coffee. "I don't want to hunt down the kid."

"I think someone's trying to make the kid call in a debt or a favor," David admitted. "If so, we might all be dead in a few minutes." The others nodded. At least until something homemade came rolling through the doorway and then went off, gassing them all. They all passed out as the magic got eaten.

Xander panted, looking at the gremlin. "Thank you for finding that for me." He hugged it. "You guys are so great." He grinned. "Any idea who did that?"

"The High Ones that keep trying to come through. They are not amused, Hunter."

"I'm not happy about a lot of stuff, including being eight again." He smirked. "Thanks." The gremlin giggled but left to watch the goings on. They had bets too. Xander went to Daniel's office, closing the door and locking it. Daniel looked up, looking curious. "There's Ascendeds who use magic."

"There are? Though that's weird."

"They just did something to the caf to make them hunt me down to kill me. One of the gremlins working on more of the artwork project had a magic ending gas canister just in case their artwork had a problem. I bummed it and used it. He said the High Ones keep trying things. That they're not amused."

"Huh. The not amused part is pretty standard from what I remember. The taking out a human?"

"Who is a source of chaos," a demon said as she appeared. She looked at Xander, getting a shrug back. "They think you'll unbalance things and will let another faction win humanity."

"The only one who should win humanity is humanity," he said bluntly. "And they can kiss my ass."

"A few wouldn't mind."

"Is that why gou'ald want me suddenly?" She smiled and nodded. He said something vulgar in a demon language that made her cackle. "I know where my weapons are."

"You can't get onto their plane yet, Xander."

"Are they working with the PTB?"

"No, but the PTB are amused." She smirked at him, patting him on the head. He stared up at her. "It's a debt payment."

"Still won't kill me. Mermaid taint, dear." She flinched and shook her head then left. "Okay," he decided, looking at Daniel. "You saw her too, right?" He nodded slowly. "Great."

"She poisoned you?"

"She tried. I'm immune." He yawned but shrugged. "Just a bit sleepy. I took the stairs from the caf." He yawned again. "Anyway, the higher beings. I *so* need to find a way up there." He looked up, scowling. "Maybe someone like the Powers That Be should do a what-if about me becoming a gou'ald some day," he called. "Just to see how that'd work out for them and their slayers."

Whistler appeared, shaking his head. "Don't even threaten."

"Not my plan or my monkeys," Xander shot back. He yawned again. "Their plans suck."

"They're just going along with what their higher ups want."

"Yay. Maybe they should learn some teenage rebellion?" Xander stared at him. "Before I do something they're really going to hate."

"You won't make it to adulthood."

"Whistler, you don't even know me," Xander pointed out. "That one didn't take into account the mermaid taint I have. Or the hellmouth taint I have. Let's face it, I can create a new one." The demon winced. "Even here." He grinned. "All by myself, just losing control. I can do sex magic to control it in a few years. Until then I've got to have *fantastic* control because Willow and Anya aren't sucking off it anymore. Or the succuba that used to be in our class in high school that used to help." He stared him down. "The fuck do they think I'll end up doing? If I wouldn't let them take out Buffy for daring to save everyone, what do they think I'll do when it's about me?"

"They think that one of those demon suitors will win," Whistler said bluntly.

Xander shook his head with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. "No they won't. Even if they capture me, I'm not going to give in and I'll dump all that on them. For some reason that may or may not be early magic in my life thanks to my mother wanting in the old Mayor's panties, I regrow hellmouth taint even if I dump it." The balance demon looked confused. "She offered to let me be sacrificed but he failed because I wasn't innocent enough. I had lost my blood innocence." He stared at him. "I radiate the hellmouth. I can still feel the thing. I'm going to have to take up magic to keep it down." The demon slumped, staring at him. "They won't be getting me. Even if they took me today they wouldn't do more than die from it. I'm not the hostage that they think I can be. Nor am I that nice." He smiled. "You can tell them I said that too. For that matter I used to have *two* life debts. Did they not realize I set one up to be fulfilled if I ever got captured by that sort?"

"No," he said, frowning. "You can't do that."

"I can do that." He stared at him.

"They won't have to honor it for more than a year."

"By the terms we agreed on, it's a just in case. They don't have to pay much attention but they have a warning on me being pulled other places and will bring me something I can use at that time. It'd suck to be that demon but yay. And tell them to quit sending gou'ald. That's creepy and I'm not that sort of queen." Daniel held in a laugh, barely. Xander glanced at him then at Whistler. "All this," he said, waving a hand at himself. "Has just focused me in ways that I didn't have before. I may be the same Xander I was only shorter, but now I'm thinking harder about how to fix things." Whistler took a step back. "And I've nicely found two spells that call on the hellmouth to end all higher beings on a plane. Won't hurt more than the slayers and they'll survive the few days of pain. Your bosses....nope."

Whistler frowned. "We ended all the records of those spells."

"I won them," he said with a grin. "From a chaos demon from another realm. He said I might need it some day."

"Yeah, I can see that." He looked up then at the kid. "They wanted you to have a second chance at a normal life."

"So they sent gou'ald to woo me?" Xander shot back. "Yeah, not likely."

"They thought you'd be flattered."

"That love spell was to get Cordy. Not my fault it got everyone but her." He stared him down. "Not that much fun either. I learned that lesson." Whistler grimaced. "The PTB aren't helping me any. I'm not one of theirs."

"You could screw up a lot of plans."

"Yes I can and if the right ones get to me first they can sacrifice me ritually to open portals that'll never be closed. So thank them for letting me be so young so I can't defend myself." He grinned at him. "Is that in their plans?"

Whistler looked up, wincing and going pale. "You don't carry that much." Xander took off something and used Daniel's knife on the table to cut over a line on his arm. Whistler tested in and backed away, wiping his hand off. "Shit."

"Yup." Xander grinned. "Definitely. Thanks for making it so I can't defend myself. Just imagine if I was still a toddler."

"They might've ended you in that case."

"Which would open the hellmouth in an uncloseable way. Do a what if."

Whistler looked up again. "They don't think so. It has to have energy poured into it."

"And if I die, that means my last few seconds will be me leaking energy. That's how humans die."

"If it's instantaneous," Daniel said. "It might not have time."

"Humans with magic will always lose their upper level energy. Not the stuff stored in our cells but the stuff we have built up in our bodies? Yeah. Even if you just up and die suddenly. A mage got shot in LA and they had to hold part of the city together for about a day. It was going to cause an earthquake because he was tied to the earth. I'm tied to the hellmouth. Therefore it'll drain back suddenly and make it open. We'd be looking at a sudden opening that no one would be able to close fast enough to keep the kraken from coming out. Even if you bomb that thing it's so big you can't kill it all. And you can't close it again while it's in the way. So they're at stalemate and no one will be able to get close enough to do the closing spell within minutes."

"You can do it from father away," Whistler said.

Xander shook his head. "I looked into that spell. It says you have to be in contact with it. That's why Willow had to work it twice that time. Now, there's an out of possibly doing it on another one that has the exact same openings. Do any of the ones down here go to exactly the same places?"

He thought that at the bosses then shook his head. "No. Most of them have ones that go to enough to get into that clause. Sunnydale was ripped open somehow by a mage dying." Xander grinned. "You knew?"

"Yeah. It's been studied. They all say it's not like the others so I asked a poker buddy. He looked it up in their library and told me. It was a demonic chaos mage."

"Shit," Whistler muttered. He looked up then at the kid. "We'd like you to have a second chance at being a normal guy."

"I wasn't the guy they think I could've been when I was born the first time, Whistler. Normal guys who grew up without hunting like I did go to jail after they kill some people."

"Not all. Some do find a reason, like the military," Daniel said.

Xander nodded. "I can't follow orders, Daniel. I have a real problem with stupid at times. I'd wash out really fast." He looked at the mouthpiece again. "They still think I'm Jesse, don't they?" Whistler slowly shook his head. "Do they think I really liked RC cars?" He nodded just as slowly. "That's Jesse. The one I had to stake. The other in our trio. If we were both there, Willow probably never would've went magic addiction because we balanced each other out."

Whistler looked up, staring until he got an answer. "They can't find you in the weave."

"Yeah, I'm blocked off. Look back at my birth and trace the blank spot. I had someone else tell me they had to do that." Whistler looked up and sent that. They did that and by his wince someone was swearing. Xander grinned. "Yeah, my parents felt the same way about me."

"You were going to keep some of the slayers off the straight and narrow but they'd be stronger."

"Yup, probably. The same as I did Buffy."

"Yeah, they can see that now. They're not pleased."

"Hey, someone prompted the wish," Xander quipped, grinning at him. "Otherwise we'd be dealing with the First Evil stuff in another year and the invasion in a few years."

"Damn it. They can see how that happened and are horrified."

"I love being the signpost that gets ignored until you have to back up and actually look at it to find the right direction," Xander said dryly. Whistler stared at him. "Or the unseen seer in the First Evil prophecy I'm told."

"Yeah, you were." He slumped. "You saw too much but no one listened."

"There's days I should change my name to Cassandra," Xander quipped.

"Don't even joke about that. Visions are bad."

"I know that already. They suck and they hurt," Xander said dryly. "I really didn't want that gift but I can't find the receipt so I can return it."

The demon put a hand on his head and winced. "No, you can't. The only way to turn it off would be to warp your brain. Which wouldn't make you a pretty vegetable." He stepped back, wiping off his hand. "You're not immune to that poison."

"Yes I am. Between the mermaid taint and the immunities I had before? It'll make me a bit sick but not deathly so."

Whistler stared at him. Then up again. Then at the kid. "They're going to leave you alone for a bit. See how you grow up."

"Pissed off," Xander said bluntly. "The same as I am now. Being twenty-two in an eight-year-old body isn't fun."

"No, it's probably not," Daniel agreed. "You still have all those urges."

"Yes I do." He looked at Whistler again. "So?"

"They're going to leave you alone and quit prompting ones toward you. It appears that some year, when you're older, you're going to need to be there to protect something or someone that a slayer can't get to. That's all they told me to tell you."

"Yeah, I'd probably do that anyway. If I had been closer I would've tried to help with the invasion too. I may be short but I can still fire off some classes of guns and artillery. And I do a mean grenade toss too."

"Yeah, we saw that." He stared at him. "Just calm down, retrain. All that stuff. Some day you'll have a huge spot when we run out of slayers on hand."

"Because the Council treats them like shit?" Xander asked. "Because I should sic that social worker they stuck on me on them."

"We really don't think you should."

"Then they should tell their pawns that the girls aren't slaves."

"True, they aren't given what they need. Buffy's proved that wrong."

"Yeah and for that they're still trying to take her out. And me."

Whistler raised an eyebrow then sighed. "I'll talk to them about pointing that out. For now, just retrain and all that. We'll end some of the plots. You have to find a way to suck out some of that taint. It may not regrow."

"I dump it every week by going to play with a half-succuba and her mom always takes some from me. I asked her to. It's only getting bigger. I go play every Wednesday."

"We'll see if we can find something to help with that. For now, just...calm down and maybe do some therapy?" He disappeared.

"I probably should but being normal would suck," Xander decided. "I had to prove way too many times that I'm not normal before the girls drove me off a cliff."

Daniel walked over to hug him. "We'll figure it out. I want to know about this hellmouth stuff."

"I got you that book."

"I read that book. The stuff you found out, Xander." Xander nodded, getting him online to his dropbox account. "That's nice."

"Easy enough if I'm in the demon library to add to it." He shrugged. "I should probably go hide. They might try to memory charm one of us and get us both."

"It won't work on me. It's where I used to be ascended," he said with a smirk. "Sit. Have my apple too." Xander nodded, sitting down in the chair to eat that apple. Daniel checked his door, there was someone waiting out there. When the kid finally fell into a nap he let in McKay and Lam. Who snuck over to finish knocking him out so they could take him to the infirmary to treat the poisoning before the kid could fuss back. Daniel looked at McKay, who was scowling. "Not my doing."

"No. I realize that. Sheppard and David heard too." He looked around. "Can we help with that energy taint?"

"From what he's seen, no." Daniel let him into that information and gave him the book on hellmouths.

"Great, people playing with fundamentals of the universe in a way that makes physics complain back that it's not logical." He walked off reading. The other uncles were having a conference about that talk. It had been prompted by Whistler even, which was a sneaky plan to make the kid calm down probably.

***

Xander ran away from David being weird to see his other pack members. Jolene wasn't home with the baby but his 'aunt' was home with Bethie. He snuck in a window and was waiting on them when they came down to get ready for school stuff. He waved, giving his aunt a big-eyed look. "David's weird," he said at her odd look. "I'm avoiding the mushy stuff before I get infected again. Or before the next bad girl shows up to woo me and my tiny butt of doom."

Julia hugged him around the head. "I'll call David."

"I would've went to Jolene's but she wasn't home."

Julia went into the kitchen, pulling over her daughter's phone since hers was on the charger. "How did you get here?"

"It's only a half-mile, Aunt Julia."

"Across a highway, Xander," she said impatiently.

He leaned over to look at her. "Which has a walkway that's just a bit out of the way."

"That's by the mall. Which is probably another quarter mile of walking on each side." He just grinned and sat up. She huffed, sounding a lot like her brother. She called David. "I have a little guy who's sure you're going to infect him with mushy shit," she said in greeting. She heard Xander moan. "I told you I'd call him so he wouldn't worry." She listened to David complain. "No, he cited mushy stuff. He said he walked but wisely did use the overhead walkway over the highway." She listened to him consider that route. "Yup. No, he doesn't look like he's even dusty from passing cars."

"I cut across the park," Xander called. "The fountain was nicely cool so I rinsed off any dusty face and hands there."

"He went into the park to rinse off the dust on him." She came out to look Xander over, making him lean forward to check his back. "No, not all that dirty. No scrapes or obvious bruises." Xander shook his head. "He's saying he's fine. Sure, we can keep him here. No, I've got to drop Beth at school. We can do that." She hung up and carried Xander into the kitchen. "Food, nephew?"

"No, I ate before I escaped." He grinned up at her. "I can hide in the living room while you take her to school."

"No you can't," Julia assured him with an evil smirk. "It's against the laws, kiddo. Jolene won't be home for hours since she's grocery and baby shopping." She put him into a chair. "Beth, describe your school for him?"

"He's home schooling so he doesn't have flashbacks," Beth reminded her mother. Xander nodded with a grin. "Something about huge bad things I'm not allowed to know about."

"Very true," Xander agreed. "Though most of them are gone now. Uncle Jake helped with that." Beth grinned at her mother, who smiled back. "Though the home schooling system Rodney chose sucks a lot. He wants me to learn a lot of math stuff I never really got along with. He seems to think I can learn calculus when I failed algebra, even with cheating help."

Julia patted him on the head. "I'm sure you can learn something, Xander."

"Maybe," he admitted. "Probably not a lot though." He shrugged. "I might go back to construction. I liked doing that job."

"It's a nice job," she agreed. "Pays semi-decently." He nodded. "Though Jake might pout if he can't teach you computer stuff."

He leaned closer to hiss at her. "Willow made sure I can't find *anything* online," he said quietly. "Even if I use Google-fu, I end up finding cat porn for some reason. I think it's a curse, but I can't tell for sure. David found that out the hard way by having me look up something for a punishment report. He was not amused and banned me from the computer after testing it a few times." He sat up again.

Julia blinked a few times. "We have to find out why that happens before it spreads to Bethie or Junior."

He shrugged. "It might be nice. Now and then I manage to be able to email."

She just nodded. "If that was that thing that you used to know, we gotta have a talk with her." She sent Jake a text message about that so he could have one of the scary brainiacs he worked with look into that. Xander grinned at Beth, chatting about her after-school soccer team. Julia made sure Beth got to school on time by carrying Xander to the car so he couldn't escape. He managed it when they had to pause at a redlight near Jolene's house but she was unloading groceries so the kid was at least being helpful. Julia beeped and waved at the kid, getting a smug nod back. So apparently she had heard from David too.

Jolene handed Xander the baby carrier. "Take him inside, Xander. I can get this. Milk's too heavy for you to carry."

"Sure. I can go coo over Junior." He walked him inside making funny faces to make the kid laugh. "You're a good boy for your mommy," he promised, setting the carrier on the couch. "Your parents are really proud that you're a good boy and you'll do sane things, unlike your daddy and me. We'll make sure you're a normal guy. You can wear normal guy clothes and do normal guy stuff and date normal guy women, unlike me." He frowned but let it clear up. "And if the bad girls that try to stalk me try for you I'll help you drive them off." The baby giggled again, rocking himself a bit.

"Are those weird sluts still stalking you?" Jolene demanded as she wheeled the stroller in filled with grocery bags.

"Yup. Had one show up yesterday. Today, David's got some weird mushiness infection I didn't want to acquire." He tickled the baby, making him giggle again. "The gou'ald society won't come for you. You'll be the normal guy your mommy can be proud of, Junior."

Jolene came out, making Xander look up at her by tipping up his chin. "Do you think we're not proud of you?"

"I know my original ones weren't. I know David is, and probably Jake. Usually Danny and Steve are too." He shrugged, but grinned at her. "I had to fight for a while to quit being thought of as too normal to help, Jolene. It's why I'm now tiny. Really, I'm not the guy everyone thought I was, and I realize that. It's a huge moment when you realize that you're a lot better than everyone you used to know."

She nodded. "It can be, yeah. You could grow up more normal this time."

He snorted, shaking his head but still grinning. "Not likely. The old stuff won't ever leave me even if they had managed to wipe all my memories when they did this to me. They tried awfully hard but it won't ever go away. That or the hellmouth taint." He smiled. "We kinda freaked some people out when we had to talk to an idiot higher up." He looked outside. "We have listening folks. That damn social worker," he muttered. Jolene pointed so he went into the kitchen to unpack bags.

Though he did come back out to unhook and remove the baby from the carrier so he could lay on his back on the couch, it was safer. Then he went back to unpacking stuff for her. He winced at Jolene's voice going up. He looked at the bags then at Junior. Then he decided to go blow her mind again. He walked out there, staring up at her. "What?" he demanded. "I'm being helpful and doing good taking care of my future pack member for his mom so she has a few easier minutes! Even you can't complain about that."

"You should be in school," she sneered.

"Lady, I've already done high school once. I'm home schooling for shit I missed the last time. As you clearly know and remember." He sneered up at her. "Are you infested with something like a gou'ald?" he demanded. "Because I've seen a few of them recently." She flinched back. "Right now, I don't need this shit! You don't need this shit because being this way is taking you away from kids who legitimately need your services. Instead of harassing me, you could be helping kids who actually need you to interfere in their lives so they're saved.

"So why are you bothering me?" She huffed and glared down at him. "It's true. This is taking a lot of your time away from the other kids who need your help. I'm not being abused, I'm fed and clean, I have a guardian who gives a damn about where I am and what I'm doing. That's already better than the system that failed me the first damn time." He put his hands on his hips, glaring up at her. "You're wasting your time with me. I'll disappear into the ether if I have to, but you're *so* wasting your time harassing me for being a little boy again. Go. Save. A. Kid. Who. Needs. You."

"You could use the therapy," she sneered. "This persecution...."

Jolene laughed. "He's right. You're harassing him for not being what you expected. You've probably got a full plate as a social worker so you need to concentrate on kids who need your services. There's plenty of kids around here who're being beaten and abused."

"Hell, I was staring outside from the porch last night and had David call in a report about the eight-year-old I saw working her corner last night," Xander told her. "She could use your help. I'm fine." He walked inside. "Eww, Junior. You threw up everywhere. That's kinda gross, kiddo. Even worse than a kitty does when it has hairballs."

"Just get a diaper wipe. I'll change him in a few, Xander," Jolene said.

"Shut up, woman. I can change him! I'm not helpless!" He carried Junior into his room, kicking a chair over so he could reach the changing table. He got him stripped down and was cleaning his messy butt up when the two women came in. "See, I can do this. I did have health class where we had to learn how to take care of the egg babies they gave us that possessed people. Even if I did hard boil mine just in case I dropped it." He grinned at Junior, who giggled and kicked his feet. "Yeah, some day you'll have to do the egg baby lectures.

"We'll help you figure out how to cushion that thing so it won't crack and die." He hitched the diaper and got handed an outfit by Jolene. He looked at it then at her. "It's supposed to be nearly ninety today according to the news guys last night." She rolled her eyes but got a different outfit. Xander got him dressed and grinned. "There. All better? Don't throw up again? Before we have to start calling you a kitty cat boy." He hopped down and Jolene picked him up. "Okay, I'll go finish the groceries." He went back to doing that.

Jolene looked at the social worker. "He's right, he could handle it." She still got huffed at. "We're used to a bit weird. His uncle Jake's considered very weird by a lot of people. Xander's a lot like him." She heard the door open and looked up the hall, grinning at David. "He's being helpful. He just changed Junior for me. Though I'm going to swat him good for telling me to shut up."

"I got him a few times for that too," David said, grinning. "Hi, Junior!" The baby squealed. "Good boy." He took him to hold, looking at the social worker. "Didn't your boss tell you to leave Xander alone?"

"He should be in school and therapy!" she said with a point.

"Can I send her to talk to Buffy?" Xander called from the kitchen. "Jolene, I can't reach the shelf for the baby formula so I'm leaving it on the counter."

"Just unpack them, Xander. I'll put things up."

"Yup, sure." He went to get the other stuff out of the car and shut the back gate then carried it inside in a few trips so he could put that up too. She came in and scowled at him. He shrugged. "It's where it normally goes outside the stuff on the top shelves. I can't reach those even if I stand on the counter." He handed over some meat with a grin. "I put all the meat in the fridge in case you wanted to break them apart or rewrap or something. The milk got pushed back to the back to make room for the hamburgers." She swatted him, making him yelp. "Hey!"

"Don't tell me to shut up," she said, staring him down.

"Yes, ma'am. But I can do things."

"I wouldn't let Beth do it either."

"The social worker needed an adult," he said quietly, staring at her. "I can handle a few things while you adult." She snorted. He grinned. "It does take an adult. I can do a lot of little, simple things so you can adult."

"Uh-huh." She stared at him. "Maybe therapy...."

He snorted back, shaking his head. "You know what, we should scry. David, can we scry?"

"I don't know if you can or not, kiddo. She's got a bird bath. Go fill it with water and try if she doesn't mind." Xander got a pitcher from the cabinet and filled it in the sink then went to fill the bird bath. He came back and dragged the social worker out by her wrist, letting her see a day in the life of high school. Scrying the past wasn't that hard. She was shuddering at what the girls were like, and Cordelia. And then there was patrol. He stared at her when it was done. "I think I'm pretty damn normal, lady. Even if I do deny I'm normal about a lot of things I think I'm pretty damn normal considering."

He watched her shudder and step back. "You have a lot of kids who you could do some real good helping. Including the street walker I saw last night who was clearly under my cousin's age. I've got help if I need it. Jolene's *sure* she can turn me more like her husband. David too. Uncle Steve and Danny are even worse and more uptight about that stuff than Jolene is. I don't need your help. The other kids you're leaving alone to stalk me really could use you. You should go help them instead."

"I..." She wiped her hands off. "I can see why you're the way you are but you could use therapy to get over that."

"I could also be a four year combat veteran," he said dryly, smiling at her. "Since tenth grade. I'm pretty set into the guy I'm going to become again. I'm actually pretty happy with the guy I was becoming and will be again some year. I'm not going to fit into your prozac normal world, I wasn't born to fit into your world, and you wouldn't fit into mine. I'm an exceptional guy considering how I was raised until all this. Okay?"

"I...." She sighed. "I can see that point but I can still get someone to help you talk about that ...patrol things."

"Why? And who'd believe me without already knowing who I used to be?" He stared at her. "Plenty of them realize who I used to be. And who I am now." She slumped again. "Frankly, if I want to talk about that stuff, my uncles in Hawaii are both high intensity officers on a really shitty, overworked project to get major criminals out of the states. Including one that tried to set my uncle up for a murder of a politician when he was here for the day." She slumped again. "I may run when they bring me to their teammates' family events, because they're kinda smothering, but if I need it I've got David and them to talk to about all that stuff and they've all been there."

"I see." She looked at David, who nodded. She looked at him again. "You're home schooling?"

"Yeah. I didn't get a lot out of school before." He shrugged with a grimace. "The school system there sucked and I hate math and history. I've got a nice laptop at home that has a computer program on it that links me to an online school. Uncle Jack got his geeks to figure out where I needed to start too. I had to deny the existence of higher maths."

"What were you doing before all this?"

"That and construction." He grinned. "I really liked construction."

She nodded. "It's a good job." She looked at David again then at him. "Fine. I'll start checking on you every few months."

"We spend half the year in Hawaii," he said with a grin. "And hey, David's not like my first guardian who wanted to have more of me bred and took me to a special doctor who took samples."

She blinked. "Was that stopped?"

"Yes. The uncle in Hawaii stopped it for us," David assured her.

"Oh, good." She sighed, pushing back her hair. "Fine. I can see the point that you have help when you need it." She stared at David. "I'll still be watching."

"We figured you would," he agreed. "Xander's a lot more normal now. We make sure of it." Xander nodded, leaning on the bird bath. It started to tip so he had to grab it and let Jolene help him put it back onto the stand. "We can glue that for you, Jolene."

"Please. I told Linwood to glue it, he said it's fine." She looked at Xander. Then at the social worker. "You know I'm not the sort of mother to let things like that around my son."

"I realize that," she agreed. "Fine. I'll check on him when he shows up or before he leaves." She looked at Xander. "Do tell me if you do need a referral." She walked off, going to her car to report to her boss. And maybe cry a bit.

Xander looked up at Jolene. "Thanks."

She swatted him more lightly this time but was smiling. "No more strange things around me please?"

"I do try."

"I know. You and David fix that for me and I'll finish putting up the groceries." She took the baby back and let David talk to Xander out there without her help. Thankfully the neighbors hadn't been able to see that going on. The one that gave her a funny look when she looked out front she waved a hand at. "Xander, the young one, is an orphan. The social worker thinks he should be a whiny thing that he's never been. Jake, on my husband's team, is his uncle."

"That's sweet of him to take the boy in. Who's the yummy one out there with him?"

"The team's active duty," Jolene said dryly. "He can't take custody. David's related to the team so he's got official custody." She smiled. "He's a nice guy and Xander's usually a good boy, but a bit mouthy because his former family was crap at it. The social worker got fixated that he should be a normal little seven-year-old boy."

The neighbor smiled and shook her head. "Not really. Tougher and stronger means he'll survive all this and mostly be healthy."

"If I can keep him from the candy," Jolene quipped. "Boy's got a super sweet tooth and he bounces hard on sugar." She smiled. "Let me finish the groceries while they talk about Xander skipping virtual school today." She went back inside, sighing in relief. She didn't want the neighbors gossiping about her family.

Julia showed up and grinned. "I'm free for hours!"

"David and Xander are sealing down the bird bath for me and Junior should be on the couch."

Julia looked out back, shaking her head. "Xander's teaching him about contact cement." Jolene looked then shook her head with a sigh. "At least it's a useful lesson for a guy."

"Very true. That and soldiering wires." They shared a grin and Jolene made tea while the guys finished up. When they came in, she grimaced but took her son back. "You need more than a change, kiddo. What did you do?"

"There was a bit of wind and then the fury of the butt," Xander quipped. "All within a minute and a half. He had super shooting this time."

"Hmm. Babies can do that," she agreed, taking him for a quick bath. "We'll clean up that mess then go find you clothes. And maybe Xander in punishment for running away today."

"After what happened the last time?" Xander quipped. "I doubt that."

"I don't," David said, patting him on the head. "You need more clothes again. You're mid-growth spurt." Xander shuddered. "Just into something simple."

Xander looked up at him. "With our luck, there'll be an alien invasion and they'll want to flirt with me."

Julia broke out giggling. "If there is, we'll handle it, Xander." She hugged him. "We can be your posse today."

He looked up at her. "I'm not into the starlette life like Cordy was."

"Uh-huh. Better classes of girls mean that you need better clothes. Otherwise you'll just keep getting the skanky hos and weird ones."

"I had to drive one off yesterday before David got up," he quipped back. David huffed at him. "Vampire!" he defended. "I babbled until she moaned and stomped off to find a better napping spot without people to eat who'd babble at her. I'm too young to stake!"

"We've got to figure out how to guard the house from them," David decided.

"Holy water sprayer over the door?" Xander guessed.

"Maybe not that big. The screaming in pain would bring neighbors and they're kinda nosy around here." Xander winced.

"They didn't hear," Jolene called.

"Thanks. Sorry." He looked up at David. "Must we?"

"Fuck yeah, you ran away again," he said with a grin. "It's your punishment, kiddo." He patted him on the head again. "You've got to get jeans and shirts and underwear and socks and I'm going to make sure it looks kinda trendy even." He patted him again before walking off. "Jolene, can I help with Junior? I'm missing out by not being near my heathen sisters and one's having a spawn soon I'm hoping I never get to meet in case it's like her."

Jolene laughed. "That's so bad, David."

"I have three sisters just like his friend Buffy, Jolene. The most shallow one married the male cheerleader she calculated to knock her up so she could be a trophy wife. Hell no I don't want to be near that kid in case it's just like her. That sister's got an IQ sucking thing going on. I'm about to introduce them to Xander to see if they're evil as well as dumb." He took Junior when she held him up. "C'mon, little guy. We'll make you a normal guy and I'll find some sanity while we teach Xander normal guy things with the others."

"I know plenty of normal guy things, I just avoid them," Xander called. He walked back to Junior's room. "How are we affording shopping?"

"My retirement check."

"That's not fair to you."

"You didn't have a lot saved back."

"Well, yeah, Anya took it all," Xander agreed dryly. "And never used hers. I know we sold some of the stuff I had in storage that wasn't weapons."

"Yeah, that's all in an account for you," he agreed.

Halfrek showed up, shaking her head. "It should do you, Xander."

"Not if he's going to make me shop at real stores each time I grow. Plus food costs, insurance for the house stuff, all that." He looked up at her. "Will it last?"

"Not like you can get a job," David quipped. He finished dressing the baby, letting Xander have him back. He looked at Halfrek. "I've worried about the land taxes myself, Halfrek. Are they covered or do I have to pay them? We got the bill the other day."

"I... I'll look into it," she said. "I hadn't thought about those things. Usually I deal with little kids." She looked at Xander. "Thank you for shaking her loose."

"I had to try. I know the system is full and cranked." She nodded. He grinned up at her. "Besides, I didn't need stalked."

"Probably true. Most of the time." She stared at him. "D'Hoffryn was shown that talk with Whistler."

"Not my fault."

"No, not your fault." She laid a hand on his head. "You really are a walking hellmouth." She grimaced. "We'll figure that out too, Xander."

"Thanks. Is Anya still around? I haven't gotten an email in a few days."

"No clue," she admitted. "I've been in China for the last week." He winced, giving her a hug with his free arm. "Thank you," she said quietly. "You are soothing." She tested him for a few other things. Then David took the baby and suddenly she could sense them. "Hmm. The baby's blocking your innate gifts."

"I have gifts beyond being a son of a chaos being?" Xander quipped, grinning up at her.

"Actually I think that's why all that's drawn to you." She tested him again, sending that to D'Hoffryn. She nodded once. "It is. Huh."

"Is that why I suck up Hellmouth taint?"

"Yup, sure is." She stared at him. "And I can't block that. There's no way to block it off. So keep doing whatever you've been doing to weed that out."

"Betsy."

She raised an eyebrow. "That's weird but I guess it works." She considered it. "It's the most practical way really."

"Been doing it since late high school," he quipped. He waved his hand around then took Junior back. "So any other needs we're going to have to take into account soon?"

"I'm still trying to find any other loose ends," Halfrek admitted. "What did you do about the vampire last night?"

"Babbled until she ran off. Not like I can stake."

"Point. Who else was tracking you?"

"Someone thinks I'd make the perfect snakey wife." He grinned at her. "Two different groups want me to be their snaked queen."

Halfrek considered that then sighed. "That's going to be screwy beyond belief."

"One wants him to be a king and one wants him to be their war god," David quipped. Jolene came in and got Junior. "He's actually blocking the thing that means chaos is drawn to Xander."

Halfrek nodded. "He seems to absorb it but not like Xander does. It's like he's a sink for all that, straight back into the ground. It won't bother him or even taint him," she assured the worried looking mother. "Beth has a more minor version of what Xander does."

"So he's the filtering system on the magnet drawing it from them while they're the actual magnet?" David asked. Halfrek nodded. "So that's good for his future pack."

"Grace's neutral," Xander said. "She doesn't attract or shed off magic or energy. I've noticed that when I was leaking one day. It's like the energy didn't feel her at all."

"That's a good thing," Halfrek agreed. "Handy too in case you start to leak." She tested him again then nodded once. "We'll figure it out."

"Tell Anya to email more often since that group she fell in with likes to steal powers from the vampires they capture?" Xander asked.

"I...oh, crap them." She sighed. "I'll look into it, kiddo. I know she redid her will so it all went to you."

"She has more than the sex toys?" David quipped.

"Eleven-hundred-years," Xander quipped.

"Wow."

Halfrek smiled. "Usually. The others are all infants compared to me and her." She patted Xander again. "Go shopping in punishment." She looked at Jolene. "The one that prompted that wish Anya made is going to throw fits about go'auld."

"Hey, I've got stuff for that," Xander quipped. "It's in Hawaii but I've got stuff for that."

Halfrek swallowed. "That may actually cause a civil war."

"Then he shouldn't be panting after me," Xander quipped with an evil smirk for her. "He should know how to take 'not interested' for an answer. And all his minions that helped should know the same thing."

"They think humans are just pets."

"And I'm a dog that bites," Xander quipped. He hugged her again. "Don't worry. If they start a civil war to fill his seat, I'm pretty sure someone decent would take over and consider humans dangerous." She moaned, holding her head. "Oops, didn't mean to set off a vision." He let her go.

She stroked over his hair, showing him that vision. He winced. "Yeah, you might want to have it with you, kid." She looked at David. "He's showing up soon so he can make sure Xander's not tainted by anything too bad for him."

"And yet, I never lost my innocences being broken," Xander said quietly. Halfrek actually flinched, staring at him. He smirked. "Have I?" She tested and whined. He grinned. "I didn't have a few of them by the time I was this age the first time, Halfrek. And I'll be damned if I get kidnaped and not fight back. Uncle Jack can show up and applaud my fit."

"Him and me both," David agreed. "Soon?"

"Ish," Xander said. "It's in Hawaii." They shared a look and David texted Steve's phone. "It needs to go back in my closet. Kono removed it back to the warehouse. Twice."

Steve texted back and agreed that they could find a way to get that to the kid just in case. Though he had used something recently due to a problem demon showing up out of the forest. David nodded. "He'll find some way to get it to us."

"Cool," Xander agreed. "Can I have my grenades back?"

"Doubt it," David said. "If you do, they're mine."

"Damn."

Halfrek shook her head with a sigh. She got hit with a sudden request, looking up then at him. "D'Hoffryn wanted someone to go clean the arcane stuff out of Sunnydale's remains."

"That might draw attention from Willow," Xander said.

"Yeah but without it, it could be set off during the next problem LA has." She grimaced. "Which is going to be nasty on a whole new level."

"Beyond the invasion?" David asked.

"Yup," she agreed, nodding some. "Touching you to dissolve you sort." She winced. "Have to be beheaded too. I hope the people fighting it have a will." She looked at Xander. "I'll see if I can move that to the house for you." She left to talk to Steve about that and the invasion coming up.

"Road trip?" Xander quipped, staring at David with an insane grin.

"We'll talk about it among the uncles later. Because I can't do it just on my own with you." He looked at Jolene.

"At least this time they won't get eaten," Jolene quipped. "It was really close last time."

"Some may still be there in the underground passages," Xander admitted. "We'd have to watch out for the Council's idiots. And the LA team. Then we'd have to figure out what to do with the artifacts and stuff." He considered it. "I could probably find some of my poker contacts in LA to have them help us get rid of the non-dangerous stuff." He stole David's phone to look up a few things. He nodded. "Two of my main contacts are still in LA so that would be handy."

"How much would be arcane things and how much would be weapons?" Julia asked from behind Jolene.

Xander winced but grinned at her. "No real clue but probably about half and half. Mostly the lower class weapons though." He handed David his phone back but grimaced. "There's places I always wanted to raid. I can probably get a list of places I didn't know about from the poker buddies." He looked at Junior's draw-on board and picked up a marker to draw a diagram, making little 'x' marks where he wanted to hit.

"Three of the bigger ones were sunk during the last battle," he mumbled. He made some notes off to the side in his own special shorthand. Then he marked a few more spots with a different colored marker. He hummed as he stepped back to look at it. "If these three were still around," he said with a vague point. "We'd have a lot more weapons than arcane things. Though...."

He marked a few things in a third marker color. "Those are hugely arcane and just jewelry stuff as far as I know." He looked at the adults. "Spike found the Gem of Amara in one of those and it protected vampires from sunlight. So of course Angel broke it when he got tempted." He looked at his map again. "And we really need to make sure the base is thoroughly unusable by anyone with a bright idea from some lower source. Or chaos sorcerers." He frowned. "We can do it in under a month, but we'll need a huge fleet of uhauls if we do it thoroughly. I wonder if anyone got into the mayor's spaces." He chewed on the cap of a maker. It was taken from him by Clay. "Hey, when did you get here?"

"Jolene said you got asked to raid Sunnydale."

"Yup," David said with a nod. "Arcane and weapons. Plus the idiot that prompted the wish to get a young Xander might be showing up soonish."

Clay looked at the diagram then at the kid. "Some of those might be underground."

"I took into account all that. Three I'd want to raid might be underground but if not, we've got to get it out of there. The former mayor's old failsafe is in one and if it's running the state's screwed." Clay winced. He looked at David then at him. "Think we could?"

"With support," Clay admitted. "Maybe with SG help."

"Halfrek said the next battle in LA would have human melting beings who need beheaded," David said.

"Yeah, we need more weapons than swords for that," Clay agreed. "Be damned if I want melted."

Xander grinned. "They're pretty."

"So? Still would suck as a way to die. Almost as bad as the wraith." Xander shuddered. "List it out as a battle plan for O'Neill. We'll talk to him tonight, Xander."

"For now we're going to go shopping in punishment for him running to Julia's house," David quipped. "Didn't even take a bus this time."

"No busses go this direction," Xander quipped. "It was walk or take a cab."

"Or you could've just hidden," David shot back with an evil grin. "Until I was less mushy."

"With my luck I'd run into a hiding vampire. I'm sure the one I ran off had friends sometime in her existence. With our luck she's hiding in the basement."

"I'll check later," David told him. "You're still going shopping, Xander. You didn't say anything. You just ran out of the house and up the street while I was in the bathroom moping about my former girlfriend sending me a wedding announcement after the fact."

Jolene walked off shaking her head as she rolled her eyes. Julia followed giggling at it. "We're going shopping for the baby anyway. C'mon, boys. David, I know you drove."

"I did," he said, steering Xander out by a hand on his shoulder. "Come for dinner and tell Jack," he told Clay, who nodded. David got Xander into the car and put on the childproof locks so he couldn't get himself out. He grinned. "I'm going to make him get trendy things even." Clay laughed but went back to his borrowed jeep so he could go back to base. The uncles needed to have a conference before that dinner to make the plot.

***

Clay presented pictures of Xander's ideas to Jack. "We have a dinner meeting. Someone wanted the kid to clean out Sunnydale's stashes."

Jack O'Neill looked up at him. "Why?"

"Weapons. Next incident in LA will have human melting beings who need to be beheaded. To kill the one who prompted the wish."

Jack sighed. "All great reasons."

"The kid said the failsafe may be running and it'd screw the west coast up."

"Even better reason. I..." He looked at the folders on the desk then at him. "Would you rather do that or go rescue a bunch of people from the gou'ald?"

"Neither," Clay admitted then smirked. "They both suck and Jensen may start a cult this time among the Jaffa."

"If he can make one that takes over for the Ori..... I might just let him," Jack admitted with a grin. "Let me see who I can send to do that."

"Some may be underground and the kid was thinking with markers on Junior's write-on board in his room. He ran away from David being mushy this morning."

"I can see why," he agreed. "I run from mushiness myself. Let me think and I'll be over for dinner later." Clay nodded and saluted, leaving him to plot. Jack stared at his wanted and needed piles, adding that to it. If that failsafe was running he wanted it to use for Atlantis to take out some wraith hives. He just couldn't send Xander.

***

Xander looked up as people parked. "Jack's here with his little buddy," he called.

"That's fine. The ribs are on the grill," David said patiently. "Go get your homework."

"Fine." He sighed, going to gather the homework and the other things. He grinned as the duo came in. "Jack, who's your mini buddy there?"

"He's my clone," Jack said dryly with a smirk for him. "He'll be doing the cleanout of Sunnydale for us."

"Cool!" He grinned. "Loki said he'd make me one but we talked him out of it because that might be a bad thing. The idiot who prompted the wish to deage me might get that one. I'd hate that."

Mini Jack stared at the kid then at his older self. "So just not my weirdness then?"

"Hell no," David quipped from the kitchen. "I've got ribs on the grill and I made enough in case Jensen's coming with Clay." He grinned at the general.

"Had to send them to free some people from gou'alds," Jack admitted. "Sorry, kiddo."

"It happens. Maybe I should dress up and go flirt with them to make it easier since so many want me to be their queen." He shook his head with a sigh. "Okay, David said I had to make you grade my english essay since he can't stop laughing." He handed it over with a grin.

Jack read through it the first time then looked at the kid. "Stereotypes in cartoons using adult oriented cartoons? Really?"

"They insisted," David quipped. "I couldn't get past the Log from Ren and Stimpy, General." He looked at the clone. "I was on base when you showed up, Mini General. No beer in the house but Xander sucks more soda than some teenage girls on a diet if you want some. Or water or tea I can brew."

"I can handle a soda," he agreed, going to get one for him and the kid. "Show me what you have on Sunnydale while he does that, Xander?"

"Sure." He pulled him over to the table to show him. "David found the current map pictures and the old ones for me so I could compare and mark places. I also called a former poker buddy in LA who might leak back to Angel's team but they're in dire wreckage at the moment so I doubt they'll do more than swear. Especially if the locals see you guys taking away the failsafe." Mini Jack nodded at that suggestion.

"Now, there's three types of places that need to be raided. I know you guys want weapons and I need some of them myself. Mostly to protect myself from the idiots who think I'm pretty. And a few demons." He threw David's knife he had borrowed at the demon showing up. She shrieked and died. "Like succuba that one who shrank me sends to torment me because I can't get it up right now at my age," he finished sarcastically.

"And there's arcane stuff that should be moved. It could become a problem later. There's also a few that are less arcane oriented but still not a good idea to have disappear. The former Mayor's library of magic books comes to mind for that one. The college had one and so did the public library. They could hold important information. Especially about upcoming things that keep wanting to take out LA." He grinned at the older kid. "Super bad guys want to take out New York. Bad demons want to take out LA. It's probably something to do with Hollywood and all the fake boobs."

"Could be," Mini Jack agreed, trying not to grin. "Or they're trying to stop the selfie movement."

"Could be," David agreed patiently. "Because that's how the invasion in LA got found out about before the new networks started to decry everything."

"Don't remind me. The president is still pissed off," Jack complained. He grabbed a pen to work on the grammar issues. David grinned at him. "It's interesting and funny. Not at all like most academic papers Daniel's written."

"Did you know that there's a *huge* betting pool about who ends up taking out Daniel?" Xander asked with a grin. "Some want to keep him. Some want him to shut up before he says something that gets people in trouble. Some think he's cute and want to own him as a favored concubine. Some just want him to go away before the humans take out some of the demon realms. *Huge* betting pool."

Jack grimaced. "For some reason that doesn't really surprise me but I doubt they could do it."

"Oh, I don't know, the kid drove off one that was flirting with Vala the other day, General," David said with a grin for him. Jack moaned, shaking his head. "He told her why and got some of his own flirting in, which freaked her out a bit, but she went back to tell Mitchell so he could help her defend herself from tentacles. Xander made sure she knew that one wanted her to warm his tentacle." He flipped the meat over. "If we want sides beyond baked fries I'm about to put in, come make some."

"That's fine with us," Mini Jack said. "It's better than I can do for myself."

Xander hugged his arm, giving him a wicked smirk. "David had to make the pretty bitches quit peeling potatoes for him again. They were making shoestring fries instead of thicker ones that aren't crunchy."

Jack looked over. "Another gou'ald?" he demanded.

"Same one that keeps breaking in to fuss over the kid," he defended. "I've gotten her host a few times and she keeps escaping and coming back."

"I'm pretty sure Dru told them I'm a great kitten," Xander said. "Her last email said she was looking forward to eating me after I was changed. It'd make me a more worthy and mean vampire lord so we could take over the world as a proper family. I'd just overthrow Spike for a bit."

"The fuck?" Jack demanded. "Dru, that vampire that used to call to interpret your visions for us?" Xander grinned and nodded. "She started this?"

"She said she's eaten two gou'alds. They make exciting, fussy, pretty children for her. She said Spike thinks they're too fussy and wrong in a lot of ways so he wants to stake them but it won't take out the snake. She wants me changed over and then to be eaten so I'm a better vampire lord and we can take over more areas to live the high life together as her dark kitten."

Jack blinked at him. "Where is she?"

"The last we heard, Australia."

"I know some guys down there. I'll have her tracked so we can take out the snakes," Jack said, going back to the paper. Xander put one on top of that one for him with a grin. "More homework?"

"Not hardly. I doubt my online teachers would like to know the history of the gou'ald I got told. Daniel might though."

Jack read through it. "I didn't know where they came from. Huh."

"I asked," David admitted. "Told her to teach the kid their history since he was grounded and needed a history class anyway." He looked over. "It took a few hours and I called the base to come get her. Supposedly someone did. They were in base jeeps and base uniforms." He grinned at the growl. "Didn't make it?"

"Nope," he said. "Did she output?"

"Not that I could tell," David said with a smirk. "No smarmy feelings at all, General. She started to but Xander complained he was too little to have that sort of fun and if I had her he'd never touch her because I was possessive."

Jack swatted the kid and looked at his clone. "I had his DNA tested to make sure he wasn't related to Daniel," he said at his clone's look at him.

"Yeah, I can see why," he agreed with a nod. Xander elbowed him but they went back to the map.

A demon showed up. "I can save your other uncle for a fee," he said smugly, looking at Xander.

Xander blinked at him. "I'm going to go save him myself. Just think what I can do since I'm faster now than I was before." The demon blinked at him. "And more evil since I don't have an outlet in Anya. Hey, David, can I have that pretty laquer box in my closet please?"

"Sure. As long as it's not a weapon that'll destroy the block." He went to get it, bringing back the necklace in it. "What is that?"

Xander grinned as he put it on, making the demon swallow hard. "This means that I can take over a higher position and screw up *everywhere* just for fun. It's the higher demons' favorite game and I can grandly join in with my evil ideas that I can't wear out on a girlfriend. No more oral sex to take the bad thoughts away now," he said smugly, staring at the demon. Who was backing away slowly. "So, which uncle again? Jake or Steve?"

"I..." The demon swallowed again. "You should take that off before they accept you taking that job."

Xander grinned. "I know it's traditionally a woman's job but hey, I'm young enough to retrain for it." The demon took another step back. "Which uncle was it again?"

"Um...Steve," he said weakly. "He's about to be taken hostage and tortured."

"I can go fix that," Xander promised smoothly. "I love my 'nades, dude. So, so much love for my 'nade family." The demon was nearly crying. "Yeah, I can go stop that. Thanks for letting me know I had to have some fun. Then maybe I'll go raid all the stuff outta Sunnydale. I need new weapon buddies to pet until I'm old enough to work those bad thoughts out of my head again. No one would want oral sex from someone my age. Not for a few years at least." The demon was sobbing as he left. Halfrek showed up and looked then sighed and shook her head. "I'm bored anyway, Hallie." He grinned. "Nothing's taking the bad mental places out like Anya used to."

"I heard about that service she did to humanity." She looked at the map then at him. "We can help you get new weapons friends."

"Wanna go help Uncle Steve before he has to break evil from being taken hostage again?" he offered with a grin. "I doubt they're the sort who like to treat kids well."

"I can't. Unfortunately. Can you let someone else hold that until you're of age, Xander?"

"Sure." He let Mini Jack take it from him. And of course it took Mini Jack with him. Halfrek moaned but went to help the poor guy. She got Connor, Angel's son, to help him as well. That way they could do all the bad, necessary evil things. Of course, Xander would get a few of the weapons. Not all of them. But a good few of them. Since they had managed to rescue Steve, he got to take more of them back to Hawaii with him so they could use them without Xander trying to claim them. They'd just handle the problems coming for Xander without his help. That way he could have some easier growing up times.

***

Mini Jack looked at the special necklace as it sent him where he was thinking with the failsafe. "Hola, my older self's people." He gave McKay a smug look. "I took it from the kid before he went on a happy evil rampage to stop the plots around him. Huge mistake but a lot of interesting things." He patted the top of the failsafe. "It was part of the former Sunnydale thing. The former Mayor had it as a failsafe after he had eaten the town. Want it for a few wraith hives?"

"Yes, I would," John Sheppard agreed happily. "What did you do?"

"The necklace means you're taking the job of a higher up in the demonic powered areas. Basically I'm a knight to their chess game." He and Sheppard shared a look. "Xander claimed that whoever Anya was wasn't able to take the bad thoughts out any more so he was going to use it to have fun. Halfrek and Jack made him give it over for a few more years."

"Anya was his former girlfriend, who was a nympho," McKay complained. "What else does it do? Let me scan that." He got handed one by one of his geeks, walking around Jack to scan him. "Interesting power source."

"All I know is that I touched it and it sent me to help do some things." He grinned. "But I got to save McGarrett from being tortured again and we removed all the bad things from Sunnydale. All the arcane stuff is hidden by Connor's people. All the shiny things are with Xander and David. All the weapons are split up between the group, the kid and David, and McGarrett so he can end some of the threats against the kid without help." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I've been hit on by so many succuba I'm starting to miss girls who say no and mean it."

He looked at Sheppard. "I made sure some of the prettier things are coming up here. Including the two improbable weapons of demonic heritage." He pointed and they appeared. "Also, fair warning, the next thing in LA will be demons who can melt people with a touch but need beheaded. Have fun with that. I'm gonna be drunk." He waved and disappeared, letting Xander take the necklace off him and put it back into the box. Mini Jack flopped down with a sigh, looking at Jack. "I feel like a genie that got ripped from his lamp."

Jack handed over a glass of soda. "I'd hand over a beer but there's none in the house."

"Pity. Succuba are really insistent."

"And fun plus they can suck the hellmouth taint outta me," Xander quipped with a grin for him. "Did you and Hannah Lovebetter have fun?"

"Yeah, a lot. She helped me sort artillery with Connor and McGarrett once we rescued him. I sent some to Atlantis already, bigger things I don't want on base. The kid's necessary things were sorted out by McGarrett, who wanted more of the grenades until a few higher beings tried to tell us he wouldn't need them." Xander snorted, shaking his head looking amused. "We knew that, kiddo, so you've got some nice things hiding in the basement." He patted the kid on the head. "Also, Jack, I managed to go save Jensen's team. Before Jake started a cult to hostess cakes."

"The Almighty Twinkie should be worshipped along with the Goddesses Chocolate and Caffeine," Xander quipped. "I certainly do."

David pointed his fork at the kid. "You ever become as bouncy as you did yesterday on your personal deities and I'm telling the doctors about it so they can give me a proper diet for you." He grinned at the pouting young thing. "Tough. You nearly destroyed the house this time, kiddo. Pray less at their altars before I have to institute daily salads for you. And just for you because I'm not that sort of mean to my own body." He went back to cutting up the ribs, bringing the plate out. "You made good time," he joked, grinning at the clone.

"I tried," he quipped back. "It's helpful I guess. I'm starving."

Xander handed over the plate of ribs and got his own mac n'cheese from the stove. David still gave him two ribs to eat with his carbs and cheese. The adults could eat the good, gooey ribs without him if he wanted.

***

Steve reappeared in the office, looking up. "Thanks, Halfrek." He waved and looked at the others, who stared at him oddly. "Somehow one of O'Neill's people got a position-gifting necklace and took over that spot for a bit so he could help a lot of problems. Including bringing out all the weapons and arcane things from Sunnydale." He sat down. "To use a Xander-ism, it was so screwed up it was intensely a fantasy novel in the making." He got handed a bottle of water by Kono, who smirked at him. "Most of the weapons went to Jack, and a few went to the kid so he could defeat any higher demon, but we did get a few new grenades out of it. Plus a few other nice things. Thankfully the general could take the failsafe that would've destroyed a lot of the state of California." He took a drink and sighed in pleasure. "We spent three weeks doing that."

"You've been missing now for about six hours," Danny told him.

"I know." He took another drink. "Don't ask me to explain it. Ask someone like McKay that sort of question." He finished that bottle and tossed it into the recycling bin. "I need a nap."

"The ones who had you?" Chin asked patiently.

"The miniature O'Neill got 'em," he said, walking off shaking his head. "I'm not using a mop on that mess."

The others shared a look and one of them wrote David an email to find out what had actually happened. Then they'd come in the next day and hopefully it'd be normal around the city and state for a bit.

Before Xander drove them all nuts for good.

The End!
Chapter End Notes:
Some day there'll be another childhood story but for now, this one's done and in the can.
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