Childhood Roulette - The Crawling Terror of Doom by voracity

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Jake and his team showed up in Hawaii a few days after that apocalypse. Steve looked up from doing paperwork to find Jake leaning in his doorway looking exhausted, had his arm in a sling, and clearly couldn't stand on both feet. "That bad?" Steve asked, leaning back in his chair.

"Yup. But we made it out of there alive. That's the important thing." He looked behind him then at him. "I was going to stop in and play. They're not home?"

"No idea. They could be in the warehouse of Xander's stuff petting weapons for all I know." He looked out there. "Danny, where's the kid?" he called.

"Shots today." He looked at Jake. "You're the third scary uncle sort?" He grinned and nodded. "Good. Boy needs some good, straight role models at times who won't teach him to swear even more."

"I might fail on that part," Jake said dryly. "Can we pause and play with him?"

"Yeah, I sent a text message. Shouldn't be too long before I get where they are." Steve got one. "From her?"

"Yeah. She said she hates you, you're a dickhead, and she's letting him go to the big park about three miles that way," he said with a point and a grin. "He'll be on the playground that's not by the parking lot so no one tries to snatch him. She's hiking off for a few hours of sanity. Apparently Xander didn't like the pediatrician so much."

Jake smiled. "I hate most docs too," he agreed. "Let me go play with the kiddo. Thanks, guys." He limped off. "Big park, three miles that way, playground not by the parking lot," he said with a point. Roque grunted but nodded. Pooch couldn't drive thanks to his lovely concussion. At least his pregnant wife was going to show up to baby him for a few weeks while they were on downtime. They found the park and got out, scouting the parking lot. They found Xander on the swingset by himself so Jake walked over to push him, making the kid flinch and stare at him. "Hey, kiddo."

"Jake!" he cooed. "You okay? Everyone 'kay?"

"Everyone survived but we're all seriously banged up, little guy. Sunnydale didn't survive but the people did." Xander grinned at him. He hugged him. "Were you mean to the doc?"

"Yup. Didn't like him. Smelled like death." He cuddled him, looking over his shoulder. "Still need tights, dude." Roque snorted but let them play while the rest of them watched and waited on Jolene to get there. When she did, Xander hopped off the swing to go stare at her stomach. He looked up at her. "Little boy like me?" he asked with a grin.

"I am having a little boy, just like you," she praised, petting over his hair. "Where your mom, little guy?"

"That's Jake's nephew, Xander," Clay said with a smirk for her. "Pooch is on the bench," he said with a point. He looked at the kid. "Go play. You can mug the baby later." He ran back with a cackle of noise. "No sugar, Jensen," he reminded him.

"Too late," he cooed. "We had a twinkie. Xander shared his pack." They went back to swinging, him telling his nephew about how good Jolene cooked. Xander cuddled him and yawned a few times so they went to sit in the shade for a bit. He didn't take long naps but it was a good time for one. Jake grinned at Jolene. "He's mad we wouldn't let him do any driving or anything."

"I wouldn't either with how dizzy he is." She kissed her husband on the forehead again. "You'll heal, baby."

"Thankfully I didn't get bitten more than once and Roque staked the fucker," he complained. She smiled at Roque for saving her baby.

"I'd hate to have to replace him with someone better for you," Roque said dryly. He looked at the two bouncy ones, shaking his head with a sigh. "I'm not so shocked by the kid now that I saw the insanity he came from. Damn that was stupid levels of bad."

Clay nodded. "More undead than living. Mouthy ones too. Ones who hit on him and me so we could perform for them as they ate us." Jolene shook her head quickly. "Battle was horrible. That was the stuff of nightmares and then Spike spilled blood and we had to run like hell because the town was being sucked in. It was so bad even Jensen can't read books with the stupid that bad."

Jolene smiled. "At least you all survived."

"Yup," Clay agreed with a nod. "Barely but yup." Cougar was still shivering in the sun. "So many of them were college aged girls they still wanted his hat," he said when she noticed Cougar. "Nineteen attempts in one night to get the hat and its owner into their coffins. We barely managed to save him and that's when Summers *finally* shows up and handles it. We point out why we're there and she complains but then we got attacked and handled it for her. Talk about bitchy. Not even your mood swings got that bad, Jolene. She's good at what she does but still bitchy."

She nodded. "Strong women have to be sometimes."

"Even beyond that," Roque assured her. He looked at Jake and the kid. "She's fine, kid. She's in LA with her ex, the undead penis."

"Oooh. Cordy must like that," he muttered, flipping to snuggle into Jake's chest. "She'll have snarkies with her."

"Yeah, they did. Cordelia came up for a day with their group to help," Jake told him. "Told Buffy off for wearing a skirt to a battle." Xander giggled but nodded. "Thankfully they're all gone with the town. All the good guys won and limped off into the sunset like it's a fairytale."

Xander looked up at him. "Fairytales don't happen to proclaimed ones." He buried his face again. "I sick."

"Why? Did the shots upset your stomach?" Xander nodded. "It's all right. We can handle that. Nap for now, little guy, then we'll go eat something." Xander groaned but went to puke in the bushes. Jake got up to follow and help him.

Jolene looked at Clay again. "He's supposed to be a bit older. The one who changed him down waved too hard she said." He yawned. "That's got to be magic," he said, seeing her yawn. "Jensen, magic making us all sleepy."

"I noticed. I've got my protection amulet on."

"Mine?" Xander asked him.

"No. Mine. Dawn made me one." He kissed him on the head and came back to sit down with him. "Someone had chocolate eggos for breakfast."

"Was bribe for shooty doc," Xander told him. "Going to run next time I see them."

"That's always a great idea, yup," Jake agreed. A witch showed up and stomped over. "Rosenburg," he said with a nod. Xander groaned. "Problems?"

"I can change him back," she said, smiling at him.

Xander flipped over to blink at her. "Go away, evil bitch."

She glared at him. "Little boys shouldn't swear," she sneered.

"Yay." He waved a hand in the air. "Not really little, Willow. I remember."

"They said those will fail."

He smirked. "Didn't realize I had visions either. Oops." She flinched back. "Go before I find puppies and kitties to call for help."

"I doubt they'd let you have a grenade," she said. "I can make sure you're a normal little boy, just like you should be."

Xander smirked at her. "Steppuppy!" The hellhound showed up and stared at Willow, head tipped to the side. "She's bad magic Willow." The dog barked and panted at her, looking happy. She backed away slowly. "You can make me how I should be but I know your magic is bad. So shoo. Not supposed to be here anyway." Hallie showed up. "Bad magic, Hallie."

"I can tell that. Dog, guard him and the pregnant one," she said with a point. Clay and Cougar were standing and Roque, who had been leaning against a tree, was already surrounding Willow. "What exactly were you planning, Willow?"

"I can change him back!" she shouted with a point at him. "He's not supposed to be like this."

"No, he should be about seven." She smirked slightly. "That won't help him any at the moment though since I can see the spell you've got ready. It'd obliterate him from history. I guess you wanted to die and be vamped?"

"I wouldn't have been," she sneered back. "That was only one possible wishverse and he turned me. He wouldn't be there to do that this time."

"No, you would've been taken by that guy when we were in second grade," Xander said dryly. "The one I nearly hit with the rocks." Willow flinched, staring at him. He nodded. "Would've."

Hallie read it and nodded. "Well, not quite. There was one earlier one that you didn't stop but her parents sneering at your parents stopped because they didn't make it to the park in time to be eaten. Your parents nearly got killed by it but it flinched from all the liquor," she told him. "Without you messing up the house they wouldn't have been out there that night so she would've been killed with them at that time."

She stared at Willow. "So." Willow huffed and threw magic at her. Hallie deflected it and sent it back. Willow shrieked and fought back. The dog moved to bite her. "No, Steppuppy, guard the boy and the unborn." The dog moved back. Willow looked at it and Hallie pulled something out, sucking the magic from Willow. Willow fell down with a shriek. She walked over, laying it on Xander's head, making him grin since he grew up.
"That's a bit easier," she said, kissing him on the head. It knocked the boy out. "He'll have a lot of growing pains tonight and I have no idea where his guardian is getting drunk." She stepped back. "All right. Go play in your motel room with your nephew, Jake. We can deal with other things in the morning." He nodded, getting up and limping off with the baby. Jolene got Pooch moving with Roque's help and Clay followed with Cougar to guard them. She smiled. They were a fantastic team and it might take all of them and the other two guardians to make Xander a normal little boy.

She went to talk to Steve, and his team as it turned out since they were briefing. "I left Willow unconscious in a park after I sucked her attack on Xander out." Steve stared at her, hands on his hips, murderous glare on his face. "I used the magic to age him to where he should be. So he's seven." She went to interrupt the general's battle to tell him the same thing, and it helped by letting the soldiers beat the enemies. She smiled at the duo fighting together. "General, there you are. I stripped some of Willow's magic from her when she was going to wipe your nephew from history. She's unconscious in a park right now but I used it to age him to his proper age of seven." She waved and disappeared.

General O'Neill looked around. "That's Halfrek. She gave me part-time custody of my godson," he noted. "Xander's now seven apparently. Huge bits of fits that all that brought," he noted at the opening mouth from Daniel. "We can check on him and we're getting him here in another two weeks." He walked off to call Steve. "He's seven?"

//According to her, yes. They found Willow unconscious, I told them she had just passed out and the people around her had fled instead of calling it in. Hopefully they'll be giving her things to block her magic. By the way, can't find his guardian today. Apparently she dropped him in the park and went to get drunk. So being seven should help some things.//

"Hopefully. All right, let me know. I know I've got him in about two weeks for the next six months."

//Have fun. We have. He's a good little boy who cusses like a sailor unless Danny's around. Or his little girl.//

"Figures. Okay, let me know if you have problems with her or anything, Steve. Have fun. We're cleaning up from a battle." He hung up and went to talk to the others again. He stared at the Atlantis personnel who had appeared during it to help them. "Nice timing, guys."

"Always happy to help," Sheppard said dryly, smirking at him. "We came to talk about our yearly things, General."

"I heard. In thanks, I'm going to introduce you two to a subject that'll make McKay swear again but it's a good idea and I think you two could help me a lot."

"Why are you going to make him swear, General?" John Sheppard sighed. "I hate when he gets into that mood. Then I have to break something for him to fix. It makes the whole city edgy."

"No, it's down here and he'll swear about a lot of things. Including deaging things." He walked the colonel off. "Mitchell, heel, you too, Daniel," he called. Someone barked. "Cute. Need a flea dip?"

"We haven't been in a desert for a while so hopefully not," Cam complained. They went to the office and Landry was hanging up the red phone. "He ordered, sir."

"Janet," the general bellowed over the speakers. "Office. News about a patient." She walked in a few minutes later. "Close it, people." They closed the doors and he looked at them. "She showed up, Janet."

"Oh, crap," she sighed, sitting down. "How bad was he hurt?"

"Nearly wiped out. So she used it to make him his proper age of seven."

She grinned. "That'll help a lot." She looked at the confused looking men. "What would you do if the general had proof that magic exists?"

"Notify your team to have him and yourself confined," Rodney McKay said. "Should I call one specific doctor?"

She pulled the file out of the desk, handing it to him. "The vengeance demon for lost childhoods showed up and handed Jack his deaged godson. He had been a toddler but is now apparently seven." She smiled. "I did his exam."

"She had him at the doctor's this morning," Jack told her.

She shook her head. "No. I'll make that clear and read Dr. Lam into it." She looked at the huffy man who was about to throw a fit. "Think how he feels. He was nearly twenty-two before that happened. Then he was a toddler with the seven-year-old capabilities."

"The boy snuck from a daycare over a mile to get home," Jack told them. "He's very hands on for learning. Liked to do construction before." He grinned at Sheppard. "He'll need a few good uncles in case something happens to me. Danny boy already knows because he translated the diary we found." Danny grunted but nodded. "We have him for six months out of the year. His other guardian has him in Hawaii for the other six months. He's a SEAL."

Sheppard looked at him. "So we're helping him regrow into someone sane?"

"Yes," Jack said with a grin. "And protecting him because every single demon known to history wants him." He smirked. "He reminds me so much of you, Sheppard. I think you and McKay could help him become a bit more normal. Though he has bad reactions to being called normal thanks to them." He handed over the translated journal pages.

McKay stared at him. "Why me?"

"He's used to a nagging semi-genius who treated him like he was worthless," Jack said dryly. "Change his opinion of geniuses, McKay. Help with educational ideas too please."

"I suppose I can. Does he like to study?"

"He's hands on," Jack told him. "He liked doing construction before."

"So perhaps we can teach him mechanical engineering," he decided, handing the file to Mitchell. Sheppard had read over his shoulder. "Those girls?"

"His former girlfriend made the wish," Jack said with a smug look. "Because they were so busy. The witch that just got knocked out for trying to hurt him was one of those. His traveling guardian's team was out there helping with their last apocalypse battle." Sheppard shuddered. "Exactly. So we're guarding him, helping him regrow, all that. He'll need good uncles if I die. That's where you guys come in." He smirked at them.

"Be happy to mentor him into our esteemed image," Mitchell said as he read. "What the fuck?" he demanded, looking up.

"Harvest?" Jack asked casually.

"No. What's a Harvest?"

"Bad," Jack said with a nod. "Really bad. What are you reading?"

"Vampires?"

"Yeah, his town was full of them. Now his town's been sucked into the hole." He smirked. "He used to fight vampires because they took that friend. That whole section reminded me of Sheppard."

Mitchell went back to reading, frowning at it. "Yeah, he does. Wow." He kept going, stiffening. "Harvest. Yeah." McKay patted him on the arm. He kept reading, frowning as he went on. "Um...is that like bug DNA?" he asked the doctor, who nodded. "Great."

"Very little taint remains," she said. "And some blood taint from something he was fighting. Just wait until Thanksgiving after graduation."

He looked, skimming faster. The graduation made him tip his head and huff. Sheppard took that to read, grimacing at it. "Sir?" Sheppard asked.

"His plans," Jack said. "We have a tape of it thanks to Halfrek."

"Huh." They went back to reading. "Sir, these morons?" Cam Mitchell asked, looking up. "Are they dead or in jail?"

"Mostly in jail but some are in Homeland and some are working for the UN, Mitchell." He smirked. "I have a list of them so they're not coming here."

"Good, I'd hate to use them to bait wraith. I don't hate the wraith hard enough for that," Sheppard agreed, going back to his next page. "God damn."

"Yup," Mitchell said. They kept going until Cam was done and Sheppard had put back the last few pages. They handed it back to the general. "We can be good uncles, sir. Teach him how to do it the right way, to think better of the military too."

Sheppard nodded. "Be my pleasure, sir."

"Good." He smiled. "I was counting on you guys doing that. Janet, please do tell Lam?" She nodded. "Boys, he'll be here in a few weeks so right before two of you go back home. We think the house will switch. Thankfully all his twinkies, his ex's sex toys, and all his weapons will probably stay in Hawaii. Maybe his steppuppy the hellhound that rips off heads will too. McGarret could use the help sometimes."

"I know him," Sheppard said with a grin.

"Know the team called the Losers?" Jack asked.

"Heard rumors."

"Jensen's his other uncle. They had a lot of trouble out in Sunnydale but won. He's in Hawaii on visitation."

"Yes, sir, introduce us please," Sheppard said, saluting. "Permission to get drunk?"

"Granted." They all left, Janet going to help with the injured. He looked at Landry, who was shaking his head. "He's a good boy."

"I'm sure he will be once we detox him from out there. Normal people aren't warriors."

"Which is why Sheppard and Mitchell will make great uncles." Jack walked off, taking the file with him. He went to the infirmary. Doctor Lam was dealing with the last few people when he went to sit in her office. Janet smiled but kept up with her current job of stitching. When they were done, they both came in. He handed Dr. Lam the file. "My god son. I have partial custody."

She frowned but read it and the medical reports. "How did he do that?" she asked, looking at Janet since it had her name on it.

"Read the journal," she said, sitting down and running a hand through her red hair. "It's just that bad."

Dr. Lam went to the journal, frowning. "Vampires?" she demanded.

"Gets worse," Jack said. "Much worse."

She went back to reading, gritting her teeth in a few places. It explained some of those weird medical records as well. She finally closed the file and handed it back. "Why do I need to know about him, General? Is he coming here to join a team?"

"He's seven. Now." She blinked at him. "Deaged." She nodded slowly. "I get him for six months out of the year. He'll be here in two weeks."

"This way if something happens to me, someone here knows," Janet told her. "He's got a few funny reactions. I'm going to make sure his guardian knows I'm his pediatrician of record and I'll be the one handling his checkups."

"I have asked Mitchell, Sheppard, and McKay to help me by being good uncles to him. His guardian in Hawaii has his team doing the same thing. And one's ex-wife and daughter."

She licked her lips but nodded. "The others who might want to test him?"

"He's already destroyed two NID agents," Jack said with a smirk. "We were all so proud."

She nodded more quickly. "Okay. I can handle it if he comes in and Janet's not here. Do we know if he'll react correctly to standard meds?"

"No, I haven't done that yet," Janet said. "I've been meaning to but I've been too busy."

"Okay," Doctor Lam decided. "I can handle that. He'll be here in two weeks you said, General?" He smirked and nodded. "If he comes to work with you, I'll gladly make nice with the little guy."

"He might be scared of you. His friends were bitches," Jack said.

"I saw. His ex-girlfriend was too." She smirked a tiny bit. "How bad can he be?"

"He was about two until earlier," Jack said. "He snuck over a mile from the daycare his watcher put him in so she could grocery shop. We were all pretty proud."

"We had to talk to him about how real people treated injuries and gave a damn that he had a bruised ankle and ribs," Janet told her.

"Yeah, I can help with that," she agreed.

"You can't be too pushy," Janet warned. "He ran from them suggesting they could put on bandaids for him."

"I've seen a few soldiers that injured." She sighed. "Thank you for the warning. Introduce me when he gets here." She walked off, going to her office to throw a fit. If aliens weren't bad enough, now they had magic!

Janet smiled at the general. "That went well."

"Yup. The other three are probably drunk." He got up and took the folder back, going back to his office.

Janet went to check on the injured people.

***

Clay opened the motel room door, nodding at the officer there. "Problems? I told the boys to quit squealing so loudly."

"Sir, someone reported you five men, and one pregnant woman, have a young child in your custody and they didn't think it was ...normal."

"Jake's visiting his nephew. We're all in on injury leave, Officer," Clay said dryly but let him inside. "Jensen!" He leaned out of the bathroom. He pointed at the officer.

Jake grinned at him. "Hi, Officer. Hold on, I'm getting sticky syrup off my nephew." He went back to the bathroom and they came out a minute later with Xander pulling on his shirt. "So who said what?"

"Is he your relative, sir?"

"My stepsister's son. She's gone and a local officer has full time custody of him when he's not in Colorado with another relative. Since I'm still active duty, I can't keep him full time. We're visiting."

The officer blinked at him. "That's weird, sir. Who has formal custody?"

"He has a nanny basically," Clay said patiently. "His local guardian is McGarrett."

"Five-Oh McGarrett?" the officer asked. Clay nodded.

Xander looked up at the officer. "People wanted to snatch me again. It sucks," he said dryly. "So Unclie Steve watches over my nanny sort, who is kind of boring. But Uncle Danny plays and Uncle Steve plays and teaches me stuff. Uncle Jake is just back from a battle so we're playing." He grinned. "They're all great uncles. So who thought they were bad guys who touched me?"

"Someone at the motel office."

Xander snorted and said something in another language. "Dumbasses," he finished. He walked out, going to the office. He stared at one of the people, who was giving him horrified looks. "Auntie Halfrek put me with my uncles. Uncle Jake's just back from helping the flighty, blonde, yappy Buffy one in Sunnydale."

"Knight," she whispered, swallowing hard. He nodded. "Oh, dear."

"That's my Uncle Jake," he said with a point and a grin. "Unclie Steve watches over me here. You can ask him about me if you want."

She nodded. "We had heard. The Red Witch was here."

"Yeah, she tried to obliviate history."

The half-demon moaned, slumping down. "I understand. They are not evil sorts."

"No. They even saved Spike." He went back to the room, smiling at the officer. "She knew some of my last family."

"That figures," Jake agreed, picking him up to hug. "We should have cheeseburgers tonight. I had to eat tofu in Sunnydale. It was gross."

Xander nodded. "Used to eat that too. Had kimchi on it. It helped some." He snuggled in, grinning at the officer. "He's a great playing uncle."

"I need to check with McGarrett, sir. It's standard procedure."

Jake smiled and nodded. "I know. Go ahead. He's on a bust though."

"I...yeah, we can check that." He went to his car to call that in. Something was very weird. He called dispatch and asked them where that one was. They reported he was just off a hostage situation and could take calls. They put him through. "Sir, this is Sergeant Scoldis. I got a call from a motel saying that a young boy who says you're his guardian is in improper hands. I've talked to them and I'm confused. Can you please show up here?" He read off the name of the motel. "Thank you." He hung up and waited. Yup, there they were, with vests still on. He got out to talk to them. "Who has custody of that child?" he asked in greeting.

"Technically he has a watching nanny sort since I'm not in any position to take him in all the time," McGarrett said. "I split that sort of custody with another uncle in Colorado. She's at the bar. I called her and she's shit roaring drunk since Jake's here to play with him."

"He's a good boy," Danny said. "But his nanny's a bit uptight and ignores things like the kid's up all night playing. We've been working on her since he showed up. My ex-wife thinks the boy's sweet. Until he swears." He looked toward the open motel room door. "Hey, Xander, did you break a rule?" he called.

"Yup. The cord bit me," he called back.

"Okay." He looked at McGarret, who went to check on him. He grinned at the sergeant. "The whole team is cuddling around him to teach him how to be a normal kid. He's got a twinkie habit and likes grenades."

The sergeant winced but shook his head. "His caretaker?"

"No, his former life," Danny said. "Which is why he came to us."

"I...yeah, I can see why. Is she a suitable guardian?"

Danny grinned. "Even if I have ta yell her inta it."

"Thank you, Detective. I'll make that report and I've got a picture of him for it so I'll put him in to watch over him."

"He spends six months in Colorado and six here. He's about to shift there."

"That's good to know. I'll make sure we watch out for the little guy in case he steals some weapons."

"Nah, we keep him out of his inherited grenade and twinkie stash," Danny said dryly. "It's not good for him at his age."

"Good point. Thank you, Detective." He got into his car, going to make that report. That way others knew.

Danny went in. "They'll put him into a report as someone to watch over. Just in case they catch him sneaking somewhere again." He stared down at the kid. "Especially if he's got grenades."

"That's mean," Xander said but he was grinning. "I'll just have to be more sneaky."

"Probably," McGarrett said dryly. "But remember, you're going to Jack's soon." Xander nodded, smiling at him.

"It won't be too different; he works with geeks who save the earth," Jake quipped. "Some even have sense."

"Eww," Xander complained.

"Yup," Jake agreed, grinning at him. "We can make sure you're going to be all right."

"Sure. I could use more playing time instead of school stuff."

"We'll see. You're school aged now," McGarrett said. "I had to graduate, so do you."

"At least this one won't have a battle," Danny quipped.

Jake shook his head. "Don't want to remember. Made me puke." He cuddled the boy, who lapped his cheek. "We were going to have cheeseburgers to block out the tofu we had to eat in Sunnydale."

"Have native pig and fish, it'll do it better," Danny said dryly. "Did for me." They grinned and Jake found somewhere, getting Xander ready to go with them. They had paused to buy him a few clothes on the way back from the park. "Have fun. Let us know, guys." They nodded and took off with the kids so the two local ones could go do paperwork.

***

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