Childhood Roulette - The Crawling Terror of Doom by voracity

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Xander looked at the base's gates then up at the guard. He grinned. The guard smiled back at him. "Uncle Jack's down there. He told me to show up. My guardian bitch just dropped me off." He pointed at the car pulling out.

"Do you know your uncle's full name?"

"General O'Neill," he said with a grin. "I'm trying to be a good boy."

"I'm sure you are but I think he left earlier." He called down to the sign-in desk. "General O'Neilll's nephew just got dropped off here for him. That's what I thought. No, she all but shoved him out of the car and drove off. Thanks." He hung up. "They'll call down there. If not, we'll try to get him before he hits the airport, kid. Want to sit down." Xander hopped up onto the barricade and sat there, swinging his feet. He was looking around. "Remember, you can't say anything about what you see, kid."

"Sure, I won't mention the blinky light." He pointed at it. "I don't know why it's blinky in the back windshield." The guard went to check. He called someone and they ran up to get their 'lost' phone. He grinned at the staring scientist sort. "Hi, Uncle Jack's supposed to have me but he left early."

She nodded. "I can make sure someone notifies the general, kid." She ran back in there to do that. There were already rumors about the general's special nephew and the being who showed up to stop a battle and tell him that he was suddenly older. She went into the infirmary first. "The general's nephew's topside," she told the staring doctor. "On the gate."

"Great," Dr. Lam said with a smirk. "He just left too." She went up to get the kid. "Hey, Xander." He blinked up at her. "I'm Dr. Lam. I'm going to be your secondary doctor if something big happens. Doctor Janet's at home today," she said when he opened his mouth. "I'll take you down to Daniel and he can tell the general how good of a boy you are."

He gave her an evil smirk. "Only sometimes."

"I'm sure." She picked him up. "You okay? No bruises or anything?"

He shrugged but snorted. "Bruises happen to boys."

"Yes but not always the same way," she said.

He snuggled in. "You're sweet but not mean enough to date me." She laughed, taking him inside. He looked around the elevator. "It really sucks that you guys have yellow snot-slime demons on the walls of the shaft." She blinked at him. He shrugged. "I can smell them. They live in the dark."

"We'll have to look at them to make sure they're peaceful and not spreading information."

"Telepaths. Can't talk."

"We'll figure that out." She took him to the infirmary and called Daniel. "Did you know that we have dark living slime demons in the elevator shaft?" she asked in greeting. "Xander did. Here in my office." She looked around. "He's out patting someone who has a cut. Thanks, Daniel." She hung up and found the kid telling the guy the stitches wouldn't hurt that much there if he just pressed on this nerve bundle first. "We have local anesthesia, Xander," she said dryly. "How do you know that?"

"Learned it from Willow's mom's textbooks," he said with a shrug. "Came in damn handy a few times."

"No swearing," she ordered, scowling at him. "Who is this Willow?" He stared at her. "Never mind, I'll ask the general. I'm sure he's aware of her." Daniel walked in. "Daniel, this is Xander. Xander, this is ..."

"The Great Glowy One told me about him," he said with a grin and a held out hand. "You cause nearly as much chaos as I do just by showing up."

He shook his hand with a smirk. "Was the Great Glowy One named Oma?"

"No. Cordelia."

Daniel winced, rubbing his forehead. "I remember her."

"She used to be my bitch," Xander said dryly. "Then we had oops with Willow. Don't know *why* but we did and it hurt her. Still sorry about that though," he called, looking up.

Cordelia faded into view. "I know you were, dork." She smiled at him. "Just think, you're school aged now. Maybe this time you'll actually get math starting in the fourth grade."

He shrugged. "I learned what I needed to use artillery and build houses. The rest was boring." He grinned. "We here now."

"Great. The Powers are still ignoring you exist hard enough to warp reality."

Xander grinned at her. "That's my job."

"Yes it is." She looked at Daniel. "He was like the non-languages version of you before he got shrunk. Seriously, try to keep down the chaos before him showing up makes people consider new ideas that could change the course of the future the way you do?" She faded out.

Xander grinned. "She's a good bitch sometimes."

"No swearing," Doctor Lam repeated.

He blew a kiss at her. "She'd agree."

"Yes, she does, but I'm not his anymore," Cordelia's voice called. "The Powers think that he'll warp me too." Xander cackled. "I know, but they're still not looking your way, squirt. So try to grow up great again and then don't go hunting."

"Only if they come for me." He grinned up at the ceiling. "Then they're fair game."

She reappeared, staring down at him. "If you start hunting again they could take out all the slayers. They've vowed it."

"Yeah and by then we'll have a huge problem. Like the invasion in six months." He smirked, flicking her on the chin. She moaned and held her head. "Sorry. Didn't mean to do that."

"Shit," she said, rubbing her head. She swallowed. "They hurt less at least." He hugged her. She hugged him back. "I'll miss your attempts at wit, Xander," she said quietly. "Be a good boy and grow up into the son of chaos you were before. And if a demon comes for you, you blow them the fuck up just like I would." He winked. She sighed, looking at Daniel. "Six months and a few days and you'll have an invasion of downtown LA.

"They'll want to eat humanity so demons can take over again since you guys aren't as strong as the Ancients that fought them off. There's not enough slayers to jump in. Pity." She left, going to tell Whistler about that vision so he could tell her former cohorts she wasn't allowed to go near. Whistler went to set off a slayer dream in a tiny future slayer taking a nap.

Daniel looked down at him. "You have visions?"

"Yes. Head sucking, dog ball licking apocalypse battle visions." He grimaced. "They so suck."

Daniel gave him a hug. "We can talk about the invasion later, kiddo. Let's get you out of the infirmary so Carolyn can take care of that cut."

"Remember that pressure point, dude," Xander said with a grin and a wave for him. He went with Daniel to his office.

"He was deaged," Lam told the soldier, who just nodded. "General O'Neill has partial custody of him."

"I kinda feel sorry for him but I'm not sure which is worse."

"The general's going to introduce him to Sheppard, Mitchell, and McKay."

"Then I definitely feel sorry for the kid," he decided, pushing on that nerve spot. He had to find it by a few presses then smiled. "It does work." She got the local anyway so she could stitch his leg.

***

Xander snuck into a lab and only one person caught him, staring at him. He grinned and waved. She poked someone on the arm until they stared at him. "Uncle Daniel said to sneak in here and to wait until someone saw me to remind them they have to eat. Since that's shaking from lack of blood sugar I thought I'd be less sneaky than normal," he said with a point at one woman who had a serious case of the shakes.

McKay looked then went to check her. He got her escorted to the caf to eat. He looked down at the kid. "You're Xander, aren't you?" The kid smirked and nodded. "Why are you here already?"

"My nanny dropped me off but the general went to swear at people in DC again earlier." He shrugged. "Daniel's office is neat but I can't be there while he tries to put the ancient spirit back into the canopic jar. I seem to be able to suck them up still." He grimaced. "But I'm doing as he ordered. He said to tell you it's lunch time." He grinned.

"I suppose myself and the other uncles that the general asked to meet you can come eat lunch with you and Daniel." He pointed. "Let's go find Daniel first. I won't let you suck up the spirit." Xander nodded, walking off. He followed, paging a few people to Daniel's office. Sure enough he was trying to talk the spirit back into the jar. It looked at the boy and tried to move toward him but Xander hid behind Rodney's back. He looked back at him then at the spirit. "I doubt you'll get the kid. So just go home before I have to use logic to ruin your afterlife of mythic proportions." It roared and Xander moaned something about hyenas. "I read that," he told the kid.

Sheppard showed up and glared at the spirit, using a zat on it. It flinched but didn't do much damage. It did make it flee back into the office. "Do we happen to have another containment vessel?"

Xander looked. "Can put it back but would take innocent blood and I doubt I qualify since they didn't give me a new body. So I'm still uninnocent in the ways that count. Which sucks. I doubt you can find a virgin on a military base."

"Actually, we have two who are saving themselves for marriage," Mitchell admitted. "I know one's a full virgin." He called her down there from the cafeteria. He pointed.

She looked, staring at the spirit. "How can I help deal with that, sirs?"

"Bleed onto the broken jar," Daniel said with a point. "It felt the kid walk in and rattled until it fell and cracked. I sealed the crack with glue."

"Works on mummies' seals too," Xander quipped. "Bleed on it and tempt him to come for you then get out of the way," he told her. She nodded, going to do that. They got most of it trapped but a bit remained. Xander walked in with a huff, staring at it. "Go back into the jar, dude. You don't want me, I'm too young for you." It came to sniff him and Xander got handed the jar by Mitchell, who helped him trap the thing in it when it tried to pounce him. Xander handed it over and smiled at her. "Thank you. Very helpful. Want help to get stitches?"

"No, I didn't bleed that much," she admitted. She patted him on the head. "You're cute but too young to be down here, Knight. My grandmother heard and laughed herself sick."

"Yeah, some evil bitches did too," he admitted dryly, smirking at her. "Witch?"

"From a line of, no powers myself."

He grinned. "Get pregnant then see."

She shuddered. "I hope I don't ever do that. I don't have the control necessary."

"You do because you'll want it then. Even Willow had *some* control."

"Point." She went back to the caf after bandaging her hand. Her grandmother would be happy to know that he was still all right.

Xander looked at the guys, grinning. "Nicer than the hyena. She was an accident. But the happy purrs are nice sometimes when you can't sleep."

"I'm sure they are," Sheppard said, staring down at him. "That's so weird." Xander grinned. "Well, weird means we need to have coffee and cake. On our base it's usually just coffee, but we don't have baked goods all that often." He walked the kid off. "C'mon, guys. Coffee time."

"Lunch," Xander cooed up at him.

"Or that," John agreed. "We can talk about school stuff."

"Ewww!"

"Yup but still. Rodney hates slackers."

"Sorry he'll hate me. I learned enough math to use artillery and build houses. All I needed."

Rodney groaned. "We can find something that'll you'll like just as much this time. After all, Sheppard and Mitchell are both pilots. That takes some math too."

Xander looked up at John. "Is 'Lantis pretty? Rumors say that you're all insane."

"Sometimes it feels like we are, and yeah, she's really pretty, kiddo. How did you hear?"

"Kitten poker." He gave his best shit-eating grin. "Have lots and lots of rumors. Including I should've tried to go up there because the sucking doom can't eat me. Too not human in my blood."

Sheppard stopped walking, looking at Rodney. "That might matter," Rodney admitted, considering it. "Huh. We can talk about that later, after coffee and a donut." The boy bounced off. They followed, keeping him from having all the sweets for lunch. Instead he got real food and they had donuts, and let him snatch a piece of danish at the end of his real food.

When Vala walked in, Xander tipped his head to stare at her. "That's a lady I could drool on." He sighed. "I need to be my own age again."

She paused to stare at him. "You're too young to stare at women."

He grinned. "I wasn't a few months back."

"Yes you were."

"No, was twenty-one then."

"I'm a bit older than that."

He shrugged. "My last one was over a millennium. You're not that old yet." He grinned since she shivered. "You're very pretty."

"Thank you. Still too young right now."

"I know and that sucks hugely." He sighed. "Damn this shit sucks." Daniel swatted him for that swearing. She walked off giggling. "I need that."

Cameron patted him on the back. "Vala's a strong woman and can fight."

He looked at him. "So could I. Still probably can actually." He shrugged. "Got to be easier than staking vampy vamps you used to know."

"True, even the wraith aren't ones we know," John Sheppard agreed. "You're still having fits over the deaging?"

"Some. Only when big, important things are going on." He pouted at him. "She'd have to be better than Anya, who only wanted sex and presents."

"Yeah, she is better than that. Maybe something will reage you soon," Cameron said. "Until then you're seven."

"Don't remind me please. Five more years and I'll start drawing the deadly chicks again. The first one was a demonic turkey woman." He shook his head, taking Daniel's coffee to sip from. His glass was empty. Daniel took it back and handed him Sheppard's since he wasn't using it. Xander grinned at him. "Thanks."

"Welcome, kiddo."

Jack stomped in. "I talked to his nanny."

Xander looked up at the guy. "Since when are you a shapechanger, Uncle Jack?" He sipped the coffee. "Because you suck at trying to be a human. You even smell wrong." The demon flinched back away from him. "Most shape changers are killed by silver," he told Daniel. "Preying mantis ones can be driven off by the sound of bats."

Daniel hugged him. "We'd protect you from them."

"Still probably not innocent, Daniel. They didn't change my body, just made me shorter. So I'm not a blood or other innocent anymore." He gave him a pointed look. "That may save a lot of problems." He looked at the shape changer again. "Guys, that's not Uncle Jack. He's a shape changer." A few of the guards walked over to capture him and check on him. One got the skin mask torn and they stared at the demon.

"Looks like the aliens from V," one said dryly. "How do we handle those?"

"Silver to the brain." Xander shrugged. "They're mean and usually try to kill the one they're taking over."

Daniel called Jack from the cafeteria phone. "We have a not-you here that's demonic." He listened. "Have fun with that." He hung up. "He's talking to your caretaker, Xander." The kid rolled his eyes and shook his head, going to get more coffee. John got him more soda and took his cup back to get himself more coffee. Xander handed him something. Daniel laughed at the request for sugar in the coffee he'd steal later.

Everyone in the caf looked up as the 'offworld activation' notice went out. "Oh, hell," McKay said. "Xander, stay in here. Even if we're being invaded you can hide in here easier."

"Dude, they're probably coming to flirt," he quipped. "Not like others haven't." He waved a hand but drank some of his soda. "Really. I had two off-realm princesses show up to flirt. Pissed Buffy off massively. I still haven't heard the end of that nagging."

Daniel patted him on the back. "Still. Try to stay safe this time." He called the gate room. "McKay, Sheppard, and Mitchell are in the caf with me, Chuck. Need us?" He pointed at Cam, who went to handle the problem. "Thanks. No, we have O'Neill's nephew." He hung up. "It's not a huge problem and they're not fully evil. Just them having a problem they need help for." He sat down, letting Xander have some of his new donut. They could hang out until Jack got back to the base. There was no telling how long him chewing on the nanny would take. Hopefully he had brought Janet with him to help him with that. She had some sense and less temper.

***

Xander walked into the house. "I don't need dinner."

His caretaker looked down at him from where she was sitting on a counter eating a sandwich. "What did you do?"

"I hung out with the guys Uncle Jack wanted me to meet. I helped get a spirit back into the canopic jar." She grimaced. "It wanted to come cuddle me too." He shrugged. "It got handled. How was your day?"

"Your uncle's an asshole."

Xander nodded. "Sometimes I guess. It happens to most guys at least once."

"Point." She ate another bite, staring at him. "I got instructed about how you're supposed to be behaving as a seven-year-old."

He shrugged. "I'd still hate school."

"Not that, kid. The swearing."

"Sorry! Seemed to fit."

She stared while she chewed. "Still," she said when she swallowed. "You and I realize how much of your old self is still there. They don't. Most of them seem to want to fix you too. Make you more normal."

Xander nodded. "I heard." She scowled. "At least acting like a normal kid more often so it doesn't get notice. Today I acted like my seven-year-old self." He shrugged. "I can't do more than that. Did they yell about you putting me in daycare that time?" She glared. He stared back. "You did. That's torture."

She snorted and finished her sandwich. "They also said you had to have a steady bedtime." She smirked. "And a bath nightly."

Xander shrugged. "I like water. Shower's fine. I can even clean my own butt now." He went to take a shower then climb into his bed to read the classification books the demon had gotten him. She came in to take it from him and hand him a regular book, walking out looking smug. "Did they yell at you about doctor taking a lot of blood too?" he called after her. He heard the groan and knew it was a bad thing. He'd have to talk to Uncle Steve about stopping the cloning problem that was probably starting. Or whatever they were going to do with his blood. Once she fell asleep, Xander snuck out to grab her phone and send Danny that text message. He could go yell at people, he seemed to enjoy yelling at people. And yelling at Uncle Steve. He erased the message and put it back onto the charger then went back to bed to lay there and think. The chaos he could cause with a clone, but that was probably a bad thing.

***

Danny flinched awake at his phone going off, staring at it. "What the ever loving hell," he muttered. He held up the phone. "Does that say what I think it says?" he asked his daughter. They were watching movies.

She looked at it and nodded. "Xander thinks the baby doctor is going to clone him." She handed the phone back. "That's so weird. Weirder than him aging suddenly was." She went to her room to snuggle in for the night. Xander was like a really protective little brother who didn't really annoy her but gave her bad thoughts instead.

Danny forwarded that message to Steve. "He's right, if that doc is doing that, I'm going to enjoy yelling at 'em. I'll have a lot of fun with it." Steve's message back of they'd check in the morning and he could have all the yelling he wanted made him grin. "It's great he understands me. Some days."

***

The NSA team that had McGarrettt and the nanny both bugged stared at the message and one groaned. "If they're cloning Harris, we're all going to die in a flaming fireball of crap," the team leader complained. "Even chaos gods won't survive that one." The others nodded and they decided to tell McGarrett what that doctor was actually doing so he could stop them before they had six or seven Xander's running around the earth.

***

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