Childhood Roulette - The Crawling Terror of Doom by voracity

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Jack O'Neill walked into his office about a week after getting Xander, staring at the guy in there, who gave him a smug look. "They let you in here?"

"Daniel had your phone when I called in about that suspicious baby doctor." He held up the arrest paperwork.

Jack took it to look over, growling. "Has Janet or Lam seen this yet?"

"Not that I'm aware of. Daniel told me to wait in here so no one had to figure out who I was." He put his feet down and sat up. "So what do we do about that caretaker?"

"I don't know," Jack admitted. "Have you talked to Halfrek?"

"Not yet. I figured we could figure it out between us. We may not know much about hunting but that might help him more anyway. Someone with prior combat instead?"

"Would help a lot more," Jack agreed, rereading the papers. "I know some that've retired from here that could help. They're used to seeing strange things." Someone knocked and let the kid in. "How did you get here?"

"She dropped me off on the way to hunt something in the woods. I told her it wasn't something huge that was a problem but she decided it was." Xander shrugged, coming over to look at the papers. "Ooooh, I was hoping they weren't cloning me."

"No, not cloning," Steve admitted, pulling him over to put him into the free chair. "Sit. You're bouncy."

"I had to make my own breakfast. She brought out the chocolate eggos so I hid in case I needed to see someone else I shouldn't." He grinned at Jack. "I totally confused those new uncles."

"They said that but they were amused by it." He grinned back. "McKay's a genius, I think we can find a way for you to learn stuff you didn't before in a better way. Plus you give two of them reasons to come home."

Xander nodded. "That's an important job," he agreed. "I've needed that but I had Anya."

Steve ruffled his hair. "She called." Xander looked at him. "I let Danny talk to her. She gave me a headache."

"She talking about orgasms again?"

"Yup, and wondering if her toys came out here. We sent most of them back." Xander nodded at that. "She's an interesting woman but a bit...blunt."

Xander grinned. "Only evil ones like me."

"Clearly." He patted him on the head. "Want to change nannies?"

"Please?" he asked, employing the puppy eyes. "And can I have one that'll let me eat brownies that don't have funny stuff in them?"

"She gave you pot brownies or something?" Jack demanded.

"Don't know what it was but it tasted funny. Never tried pot." He shrugged. "Roadtrip had a line of coke, a bit of acid, but no pot. Can't inhale."

Jack stared at him. "That figures," Steve admitted. "You were trapped and working in a strip club so yeah, I figured the dancers tried to tempt you." He looked at the groaning general. "It does."

"It does," he agreed. "Sometimes I can forget he's really twenty-one." Xander grinned at him. "All right, let me talk to some former coworkers here. They're used to strange things."

"Sure." Xander looked at Steve. "Are my pets all right?"

"They're just fine, Xander. We've finally finished the inventory and used some protections against some beings that tried to take some of them back."

Xander patted him on the arm. "I called the poker hall on them. Vowed to find Mountain Dew and candy." He grinned. "It'd react harder now since I'm so short." Steve burst out laughing but nodded. "They put it back?"

"Mostly. You're missing a few things. Two from me having to use them but the rest they tried to steal. We'll get it back." Xander grinned. "You're too young to go play poker."

"So?" He shrugged. "Unless they're vampy vamps they won't eat me."

"Uh-huh. No," Jack ordered. "Not until you're big enough to use one of your swords."

"Fine."

"Thank you," Jack said.

"You know, I have dwarven weapons," he said with a smug look. "About my height."

"Yes but they have more muscles," Steve reminded him. "You haven't gotten to build those up yet." Xander nodded that was true. "So save those for emergencies."

"Fine."

"Thanks."

Jack and Steve shared a look then they were interrupted by Daniel and the other uncles, plus Janet. Jack handed those forms to McKay. "For Janet too." He looked at the uncles. "So, guys. Do you think you can be good uncles?"

"They were fun," Xander said with a grin at Cameron.

"You're a bit weird but I'm surprised we haven't had anyone deaged yet around here," he said dryly. He took the papers to look at on the way to Janet, handing them over with a huff and a head shake. "Arrested?"

"Yup," Steve said. "Lieutenant Colonel Steve McGarrett, SEAL on duty in Hawaii." He waved a hand.

"That's cool," John said. "Colonels John Sheppard and Cameron Mitchell. Drs. Janet, Rodney McKay, and Daniel Jackson. Dr. Janet's just so fantastic we only use the one name for her."

She swatted him while reading those forms. "I'm assuming this plot was stopped, McGarrett?"

"Yup. Arrested them this morning. Though it was nice that the NSA sent me an email that morning about what they were trying to do. Apparently they have him bugged at the very least."

Jack considered it, looking at Mitchell. Who shook his head. "Can't be NID."

Steve handed over the email. "Notice the address. Either they're using them or...." He smirked a tiny bit at Xander.

"Weenies?"

"Yup, them."

"Army said they were bad boys but sent them mostly to the UN to hunt demons. The whole underground wanted them dead for what they did."

"Crap," Steve said. "They didn't stop them?"

"They had secret hearings." Xander shrugged. "Didn't even ask us anything. Some scientists are in jail maybe. Everyone's really unhappy with that end. But some have gotten eaten," he said with a grin at the end. "They got them back for it."

"What now?" John asked him.

"In their town was that program that they stopped," Jack reminded him.

"I remember that and I hoped like hell they were all in jail and out of the service, sir. They're not?"

"UN demon hunting squads mostly," Xander told him then shrugged. "Not our doing. We wanted them in jail too. Especially the docs."

"Does anyone have the full personnel roster?" Jack asked him.

"Probably not. They set it on fire," Xander said. "Burned shut."

"McKay, find them, make sure I get the full list so we *never* get one of them here," Janet said. "Because if I find one, I'll be torturing them like they did those others." Xander hugged her. "You're a good boy. You'll only torture people by being bouncy." He giggled but nodded. She put him back into his seat. "Their samples, McGarrett?"

"They're tracking where they sent them today. Kono is *really* upset with them. She was feeling squishy feelings toward Xander before she saw that."

"Me being triplets would be mean," Xander assured him.

He grinned at him. "They were going to make you kids, not clones. Someone wanted to cross you with Danny and Kono."

"They're pretty," Xander said, but then grinned. "But mean."

"Very mean," Steve agreed with a smirk. "They're going to prove it. That's one reason why I wanted out of the way." He pulled out his phone to text Danny, who sent back he had found them, it was stopped, and he had even pulled up higher weapons to use in homage to the two of them. Then he had told Jake, who had went on a fit in their systems. He showed Jack that message, making him laugh. "I do an excellent job with it, sir."

"I'm sure you do, McGarrett."

"Remember, you replace my pets you use," Xander told him.

"By the time you're old enough, it'll be bad," Steve said. "We'll help you get new stuff."

"We'll need blessed stuff," Xander said. "Especially so I can kill the one that wants to own me like a lap cat."

"Point. We can find some way to do that." Xander nodded. "I'll try to replace it in a few years so you'll be behind the times but not too far out." Xander nodded again. He heard a growl and looked at the kid's stomach then at his head. "Hungry?"

"Growing boy stomach," he quipped.

"We can get him something to eat," Janet said. "But I doubt they have any fruit left by now." She checked her watch.

"Eww," Xander said.

"Tough. You have to eat healthy so you can go back to fighting off bad demons and things," she quipped, smirking at him.

"Na-uh. I used to live on takeout. The parents never cooked." He stared at her. "I lived on school lunch and takeout. Still strong enough." She stared at him. He stared back.

"You won't win, Xander," Cameron warned. He was amused by the miniature stare-off but no one won against their docs.

"Veggies would make me weak since I used to live on burgers and school lunches," he quipped, still staring at the doctor. "Veggies are not good for Xanders because they're not normal boys, even the first time."

"We can still try," she shot back, not breaking the staring contest.

He grinned and blew a kiss. "Not likely. Last time I got really sick I was eating veggies." She huffed and looked away. He got up to hop around in glee. "I won!"

"Still getting vegetables," Jack assured him. "She'll sneak some on you."

"Then she can baby me when I get sick," he quipped. "Fish and hyenas don't eat veggies."

She stared down at him. "Mermen could be omnivorous."

"They eat people. I don't like Soylent Green."

She broke and laughed. "You're still getting some vegetables, Xander. Even if you don't like it. Sorry but tough. Suck it up."

"I have at least five years before that," he quipped, making her swat him and Sheppard laugh. "Wonder if Anya would come back then."

"That's way beyond the predator age gap difference," Jack said. "You have to be eighteen at least this time."

"Fine. I can wait." The general's assistant knocked and walked in. "Hi, Homer."

He looked down at the kid. "My name is Sergeant Otis," he said with a smirk.

"Really? Could've sworn I called you Homer when I shot you in the thigh." He stared at him. The sergeant smirked at him. "So anyway, why are you here?"

"Making sure they don't end the earth. We heard about your curse." Xander shrugged. "We can make sure you grow up better this time so you don't interfere."

"Can't help where I was born," he said dryly. "And since when are Watcher spawn US military?"

"We can make sure of it. The Council was most amused."

Xander grinned. "They're going to be really amused in six months when they have an invasion." The guy glared at him. "Pity I got visions woken by this too." The guy reached for him and Xander kicked him. The guy laughed and Xander grabbed Steve's knife to use. That broke the spell on the others. Steve and John got the guy down and crying in pain. Xander glared at them. "I can!"

"Shut up, it's my job," Steve ordered. "I'm a SEAL, Xander. We don't let weak little guys like this pretend to be military." He smirked down at him. "Do we?" The guy could only groan.

Janet looked. "Efficient, thank you. No broken bones I have to treat." She took the knife from the kid and handed it back. "How do we block out spells?"

Xander shrugged. "I wanted to know sometimes. Willow's magic addiction is out of hand again. I had to stop it last night on the house."

"Maybe we can help her find help," Jack said smugly. "Boys, nice job not making me get up. I had no idea he wasn't the guy from the midwest he said he was. I'll have to make sure he doesn't have any other magic on me." He looked at Xander. "Watcher spawn?"

"Watchers are the ones over the slayers," Xander said. "In England. Treat the girls like shit. We showed the others that they have self will. They *really* hate me."

"They're the ones that have the price on your head," Cameron said. Xander grinned and nodded. "Proves they're worthless because they hate you for making sure humanity went on." He leaned down, looking at the kid. "Some day you can take over a prime spot on a team here."

Xander patted him on the cheek with a grin. "I'll need to hunt."

"You can do this instead."

"Nope. I don't do orders very well." He grinned. "I'd hate that." Cameron patted him on the head. "If I can do it without the military...."

"Probably not," Jack admitted. "The only ones who have are super warriors from other planets."

"I heard. That's neat. We should get more of them for invasion," he quipped.

"I hadn't thought about that," Jack admitted. "Invasion?"

"Like your portal only demons."

"Fuck," McKay muttered, getting hit by Janet on the arm for that swearing. "I know very well he knows that word. He used it grammatically yesterday," he told her.

"So? He's still seven." She glared at him. "Seven-year-old-boys don't get to swear any more than two-year-old-boys did."

He blew a kiss. "You're a mean mommy."

"Yes I am. Or at least a firm one." She stared down at him. "Guards!" she yelled. It got two of the younger soldiers who were in the hallway. "We need to arrest the general's assistant, who isn't what he said he is." She pointed. "The boys have been good at not giving me more work but we need to bring him somewhere else to continue this discussion." They nodded and one used the desk phone out there to call for guards to come help them.

Xander walked over to the guy. "Flip him over." They did and Xander stood on his chest, staring down at him. Then he grinned and grabbed something from John, taking his worry stone. He blew on it then rubbed spit into it before he concentrated, then laid it on the guy's head. "Steppuppy?" She appeared. "Can you show him?"

The hellhound sniffed the stone then laid a paw on it. The guy screamed as the visions came. She sniffed everyone, lapping Janet on the wrist before disappearing.

Xander looked at her. "Steppuppy must think you're a fierce bitch like she is." He looked at the guy. "You guys *so* read me wrong," he said quietly. "And you're still doing it. There's *nothing* you can do to make me not do what I feel I have to do. The only handhold is gone," he finished in Latin. "I'm going to have to interfere more because of you and yours." He smiled. "And you brought it on yourselves by pushing me. I'm sure you'll have fun with that.

"Especially since Faith won't be available for that battle coming up. The next one called won't be able to fight well enough. You're going to need dozens of hunters and slayers and you have one. One you hate and wanted to take out again. You guys prompted all the activity we had that made Anya wish. Reap what you sow, mother fucker, because they won't take me alive. You.... You can't fight back if you can't beat a seven-year-old." He shrugged. "Pity but you brought it on yourself." The guy was crying. "Good."

He smirked. "And get Rosenburg help. Before she destroys the earth." He got off him and took the stone, handing it back to John with a grin. "He understands now. He's probably very sorry because that means his people are all going to die. After all, I'm the one that got Summers weapons for battles. They need a lot more hunters thanks to some of their recent plans. They don't have them. With the last few Watchers dead now...." He shrugged. "The First wasn't kind to them."

"You caused that," he growled.

"I wasn't resurrected." He shrugged. "I didn't call someone back either. One of *your* people called her back specially so she'd not take out the future slayers when she came. You tried to get around the Powers That Be's plans for Willow going off the deep end and having to bring Buffy back to life. So instead it moved it up by a few years. I got all that in the vision. If you had waited, you'd have seen her in about three years anyway. Instead, we have Glory in waiting."

The guy swallowed. "Glorificus?" Xander nodded. A blonde woman appeared. "Oh, damn, I didn't mean to summon her!" He tried to get free.

"Have to send her back to her host and kill it," Xander said, getting out of the way. "Need heavy weapons." They started by shooting her while Jack got out his zat. That made her complain it was making her hair frizzy. A few of the guards brought in more heavy weapons. She fled before they could kill her. Xander sighed, looking at him. "Are you all genetically stupid?"

"I didn't mean to summon her," he begged Jack, who was still holding a weapon.

"I'm sure you didn't," he sneered. "Guards, we're going to be talking to him a lot more later." They dragged the guy off. "Make sure he can't talk to anyone at all." They nodded. He looked at Xander. "What's her deal?"

"Going to drag her plane here." He shrugged. "She's also insane. Sucks sanity through her fingers in your brain. Has minions who steal designer stuff for her."

Jack blinked. "Okay."

"Has to be somewhere in Sunnydale to use the hellmouth to open the portal though. Ask Buffy."

"It really never stops for you guys, does it?" Steve asked him. Xander shook his head. "Okay." He picked him up and handed him to McKay. "You take him to eat then come back in a few minutes once we get Jake and them on the phone." He nodded, walking the boy off talking to him. "General?"

"I don't want that psychotic thing on this planet either, McGarrett."

"We have to make sure they evacuate the boy," Cameron said dryly.

"Agreed," Jack said. "We'll work that out while he's eating so we can cushion him. The world might need more hunters but it has us and we should be good enough."

"Amen," Steve quipped. He sat back down, sending an 'I'm okay' text over and then one on Glory. Danny's back was 'don't tell me things like that, we'll have to use more of his pets'. He laughed, showing that to the general.

"We have some around here," Jack said. "We can save his pets for other times." He called Jake. "Where are you? We're having a talk. Because I just found a watcher and we had an insane hell goddess, Jensen." He listened to the choking and spluttering. "Here in the Mountain. No, Xander knew about her. He didn't evacuate either. Yup, we need to have a whole team of uncles talk. Tell them you can't go to Bolivia. I'm coopting your team for my insane missions. I'll have it passed through in a few minutes."

He hung up and picked up the other phone. "Sir, General O'Neill. No, sir, two problems. My nephew just showed me that we have an insane hell goddess running around down here. She showed up, sir. No, not to get him. We had a watcher here apparently. He was going to hurt Xander and the guy called out for her by accident. Second thing, I need his other uncle's team to join my project. Team name is the Losers."

"They're Delta," McGarrett said.

"I'm told they're deltas, sir. Yes, Jake Jensen is Xander's other uncle. About to be sent to Bolivia to be sacrificed in some play by some world leader wannabe, sir. Yes, that situation. You can, sir. No, they're pawns. Getting Xander meant they could bypass some things like having to go rogue to protect everyone from that idiot. Thank you. No, we're having an uncle conference. Yes, sir, I could really use the crazy assholes like that team a whole lot. Thank you, sir." He hung up and grinned. "They'll be reassigned out here ASAP." He leaned on the desk. "So we need plans."

"Is this maybe the way some higher being used him to avoid a lot of bad things?" John Sheppard asked.

"Maybe," Jack said. "No idea. But it sounds like a crackhead plan."

"Yeah but so do witches with problems," Cameron said. He frowned at John. "It does seem like we're hearing about problems ahead so we can fight things off."

"He said he got Jake's team out of the jungle to save them from being taken out," Steve said. "Huh." He nodded. "Interesting." He looked at the kid that walked back in rubbing his head. "Another vision?" He nodded, looking at him. "What happened?"

"Turn on the news near you." Jack turned on the tv and Steve scowled. "They're going to try to blame you. Fly back." He walked off again. "Going to have coffee to solve this."

"I can get you some excedrin," Janet called, following him.

Steve looked and nodded. "Yeah, I can fly back the normal way." He texted Danny then called one of his contacts. "It's McGarrett. No, I'm in Colorado and just saw on the news." That one choked. "Please do. Thank you." He hung up. "They're tell people I wasn't anywhere nearby since this is a drug dealer's method of trying to discredit me." He grimaced and looked at Jack. "We need to stop that sort from using the kid."

"We do," he agreed, shaking his head and muting the tv. It brought up closed captioning immediately so Steve could still watch it. Jake got beamed to his office with his team. "Boys," he said with a nod. "We're having an interested uncle conference while the kid eats breakfast and cures the vision migraine."

Clay looked at him. "General O'Neill, what do you guys do that would need my team?" he asked.

"We do insane shit that protects the earth," he said smugly. "On multiple planets." Clay gaped. Jake burst out laughing. "You knew?"

"Yeah," he said with a nod and a grin. "It's not totally hidden, General. How are Thor's people doing?"

"Still locked in the temporal bubble."

"Well, if someone like Dr. Who shows up, we'll point him that way," Jake quipped.

"If he does, we're all going to the pretty, calm hospital ward," Steve quipped. He looked at him. "We just realized that some higher being is using the kid to change bad things so humanity doesn't have to fight as hard. They're trying to blame that on me."

Clay looked at the tv then at him. "You're hopefully a better shot, McGarrett. Most SEALS are." Steve nodded he was. "Well, you can prove you were here. Like us going to Bolivia being handled?" They all nodded. "Great. Why?"

"Some guy named Max," John Sheppard said. "He tried to get to McKay and talk to him about things but we blocked him."

Jake pulled out his computer to look that name up. "Hey, a psychotic asshole is his second-in-command," he said dryly, smirking at Pooch. "I think you know this one." He held up the screen.

"Yeah, we know 'im," Pooch said dryly. "Why is he still alive?"

"Max likes him," Jake said with a grin. He got into the files he found, putting them up onto the general's screen so the others could see while he looked up everything. "We have got to fix that before he comes after the families. Pooch's son is about to be born soon."

The general nodded with a grin. "There's many people who'd like to handle that guy."

"Yeah but he's paying most of 'em," Jake complained, pulling up that suspected dirty agent list. He gave the general a look then grinned. "We might have to be creative, like sending in a martyr who can blow them all up together."

"That's just bad," John Sheppard said.

"It's saving a lot of hell on the world since he's got nuclear weapons of some sort or another. I'm seeing mentions of a sonic nuclear weapon somehow." He stared at him. "One person willing to die for their beliefs or that?"

"Yeah, in that case, there's probably someone who would like to go hit on them to get close enough then blow themselves up." He frowned. "What's a sonic nuclear weapon, General?"

"Never heard of it." He called the caf. "Put McKay on." He got put onto the phone. "McKay, what's a sonic nuclear weapon?" He listened. "That sounds really horrifying. This Max guy. Yeah, same guy according to what we know. We're having an uncle conference." He hung up. "He'll be right back up with his breakfast, Janet, and the kid." He looked at Jake. "We have to appoint a different guardian." Steve handed over the arrest paperwork on the desk with a grin.

He read them, then nodded. "Huh. She's got bad ideas." He put them down, shaking his head. "At least they didn't suggest they could make a kid with us. That'd be one scary kid." Clay nodded, then shook his head with a sigh. The tri walked in. "Hey, kiddo, who do you want to watch over you full time?" He shrugged. "We'll figure it out before our next mission."

"If you guys are going to be here," McGarrett said.

John shook his head with a sigh. "It's not likely they'll be on base more than one week a month or so," he said, looking at Cameron.

"If that," he agreed. "Which can suck sometimes when you really just want to find a nice girl to date." He looked at Daniel, who shrugged.

"I'm a widower, I'm not really looking for a nice girl to date. They take time away from my work."

"I'm buying you a pass to a brothel, Danny boy," Jack said. "That way you get out of your work before we have to commit you."

Daniel rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I'd never get to use it. I'm on base less than Sheppard is and he's not even serving locally."

"Where are you serving?" Roque asked him.

Sheppard looked at the general, who waved a hand. "You realize that this whole program deals with aliens, right?" Roque slowly shook his head. So did Clay and Pooch. The others all grinned and nodded.

Xander patted Roque on the hand. "He's in a whole other galaxy getting the mutant people eaters before they get here and try to date me or something weird like that." Roque stared at him then at John, who grinned and nodded. "Can I start a cult when I'm older? I always thought that looked like it'd be fun."

"You doing one wouldn't be too bad probably but you'll never catch up to the many that the program's started," Daniel complained. "It's amazing how something innocuous like 'the plants look well watered' can turn into a religious talk that ends up with not only a new cult but almost rabid believers."

"Twice I heard," Sheppard joked, grinning at McKay. "Which is better than yours over the holy power bars you started so the natives let us go free before they bred baby geniuses to protect them."

Xander looked up at John. "I *so* need to go there. I'd have a lot of fun."

"If we're still there, join the military, kiddo."

"Shit, that's not going to work," he muttered, sighing as he sat down to eat his breakfast. Steve pulled him into his lap. He looked up at him. "You're not usually cuddly."

"Yeah but I'm getting some in before I hit a prison because I'm being accused of stuff when I'm in another state." The boy sighed but settled in to eat the stuff Janet had filled his plate with. At least most of it looked like real food to him. Even if there were vegetables with breakfast for some unknown reason. Thankfully they made him choke so he got out of eating them.

Janet huffed but looked at the general. "Who do you want to watch over the kid, General?"

"I have a few ideas from our former people. They can handle seeing a miniature hunter like him."

"Rory Perkins would be highly amused but probably get the kid drunk, Jack," Daniel said.

"Not him. I'd never let him near a kid until he got sober."

"I'd poison his liquor anyway," Xander said. "I have in the past when my former parents needed me to." He stuffed his mouth with bacon.

"I'll talk to my top three later," Jack told her. She nodded. "All right, how do we stop all these plots?"

Xander looked up then at him. "If there's someone interfering won't they get mad?"

"So? Do you care?"

Xander shook his head. "I haven't yet," he said sarcastically. "Stupid heads of the universe hate me already anyway." He grinned. "Fix a few prophecies and they throw *huge* fits." He dug in again, finishing off the bacon. Steve handed him his fork so he sighed and ate the eggs too. "Fine."

"Thank you, kid." He patted him on the back, making him belch. "Better?" he joked.

"Yup, a lot." He grinned back at him. "Is Danny throwing a teenage girl fit or a college girl fit?"

"I think he's still probably swearing like he's in the mob again," he said. "That can take hours." He texted him and got back a 'I know and you're fine, just get back here'. "He said he's got it handled." He put the kid on his feet then stood up. "Let me fly back."

"Have fun," Jack said. "Let us know if you need more help, McGarrett."

"I will." He stared at Xander. "Even if I end up in jail, you're not to join me there."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, flapping a hand. "Let me go fix that shit with the toys." He gave him a pointed look. "If you get put in jail and Danny gets dead, some day I'll date his daughter." He grinned. Steve walked off shuddering but texting that threat to his partner, who vowed that would not happen. Xander grinned at John. "Daddies react like that to me because only bad girls like me." He went back to eating his eggs.

Clay looked at John. "He did date two assassins most sane people wouldn't touch even if they were drugged up."

"I didn't date 'em. They were pretty and kinda happy that I was washing dishes in the strip club that night," Xander shot back. "They wanted to celebrate so the boss told them I wasn't working *that* way. They wanted fun but didn't want to pay for it." He stuffed his mouth again.

Jake looked at Clay. "Are they so far gone that even you wouldn't date them? Because you've got a history of crazy and homicidal chicks who are willing to kill all of us to get you back." Clay swatted him. "It's the truth!" Cougar nodded to back him up.

"I still say Madeline was just fun, not that crazy," Xander said before stuffing his mouth with some toast.

Clay looked at him. "She's not only crazy, she's homicidal, kid. She tried to blow me up."

"Do it better next time. She tried to tip me and ended up bragging to her buddies." He grinned. "Didn't try to hurt me at all, Clay. You must not've been good enough in bed." Jack reached across the desk to swat him hard. "Ow! Mean!"

"You're seven," Cameron said. "Even with those other memories, don't share. It's creepy."

"Fine. Sorry!" He stuffed his mouth again, staring at Clay with a slight grin as he chewed.

Clay shook his head with a sigh. "Madeline was willing to blow up a barracks to get me back for being called out in the middle of the night, General. She's in jail."

"She's in protective custody," Xander corrected. "And already slipped them because they thought she was just misunderstood. She's in North Carolina."

"I'll call my wife to tell her to evacuate the house near the base," Pooch said, pulling out his phone. "No signal." Jack handed him the desk phone. "How did Sheppard get a signal?" Xander grinned, waving a hand. "Oh, that way. Can you do that?"

"I think Dawn did it."

"I'll ask her then." He dialed. "It's me." He waited while she yelled at him. "Jolene, you have to evacuate for a bit. There's a psycho that Clay didn't date who wants to kill the whole team and one he did date who wants to take him out for leaving her hanging."

"We were more than done," Clay complained. "She was a damn octopus."

"Yeah, one of those," Pooch told his wife. "And we have the guy who wanted to take us out coming possibly too. You go sit with Jensen's sister and niece? Thanks, Jo. Love you too." He hung up and relaxed again. "That's going to be nasty."

"If my sister has to take out Madeline or Max, she'll cry on their mutilated bodies and my niece will go 'interesting pattern, mom, but you missed a spot'," Jake said with a grin.

"My mom would've just thrown up on 'em," Xander muttered. "It shows she's a stepsister."

Jake hugged him. "You're neat enough to be a Jensen, Xander."

"Love you too, Uncle Jake, but quit hugging please?"

"Hell no!" He grinned. "Hugs are good for you. Make you grow up normal."

"You're going to turn into a redheaded witch," Xander told him. "That's her line. Are you under a spell?"

"He gets goofy and cuddly," Clay told him. "He's tried to do it to all of us but it usually means he needs to sleep because it's been days."

"I sicced him on a drug lord during one of those," Roque said, looking fond of that memory. "He hugged them all into shooting each other. And nearly him but everyone else shot each other."

Jake looked at him. "And right afterwards, I sold you to a hooker to fix your odd mood. Because you needed it more than I ever have." Roque nodded that was true, looking smug. "Thankfully you paid for Clay to come join you in servitude so you could get free."

"Wow, I've never gotten to sell a teammate yet," Cameron said. "I should do that the next time we're captured so Sam can get free."

John looked at McKay then at his fellow colonel. "Don't tempt me. Plenty would offer me everything, including coffee and slaves, if I gave them McKay or Radek."

"You guys don't have coffee nearby?" Clay asked him, looking confused.

"We haven't found a planet in the Pegasus galaxy yet that coffee can grow on," McKay said. "Which sucks on a galactic scale since some of us need it to handle the random emergencies we have every few days."

"It is randomly given to one of seven causes," John agreed, considering it. "Though thankfully Atlantis hasn't broken down recently."

"I got an email from Radek. Yes it has," McKay told him. "The flotation system went down for six hours so we had to use space thrusters while they cleaned the fish out of the engines." He smirked. "Radek made everyone sit in the center tower until it was fixed so no one could unbalance the city by accident."

"The bitching knew no bounds?" Jack guessed.

"Especially from the bored Marines. Radek had the sciences work on reports that were backlogged. I'm contemplating making that a weekly event actually. Especially since he found out two were doing illegal experiments that I had vetoed twice. And he vetoed once at gunpoint," he said with a nod at John.

"The wedding help that one people asked us for?" John guessed, looking up while considering the options. "Or the one with the crystals that want to possess people?"

"The first. The crystals got brought onto the city and got confiscated by the gate room's security system. She already knew it was wrong. They had made up a great version of their holy wedding syrup. It leaves you horny but not remembering for the next six days."

"Are they in jail?" Jack asked. "Before they bring it back here and somehow SG-1 gets dosed?"

"I certainly hope so," John said dryly.

"The reports did say it works better on homosexual couples instead of straight ones since it might have birth control effects," Rodney said. "So it might work very well to loosen them up."

"Don't make me go buy lemons," Cameron warned. "We can bring the kid to visit you in the ICU for a bit, Rodney."

Xander pounced him. "Don't intentionally hurt someone just because you're scared of dicks being near you," he said, staring down at him. "That's *wrong* and bullying and super wrong because that makes you a jackass."

John lifted him off and handed him to Rodney. Who stared at the kid. "Thank you for reminding him that bullying is wrong."

"It was even when I was throwing rocks back at the ones that tried Willow," he said dryly. "Bullies are vamp bait and not good for much else."

"He'd never hurt me on purpose, Xander," Rodney assured him with a grin. "Because then I'd have Ronon avenge me with Teyla until I could ruin the rest of his life in my own unique way."

Xander looked at him then at Jack, who nodded. "He has others who annoyed him." He took the kid to sit down again. "They're like siblings, Xander. I'm sure you picked on Willow the same way." Xander shook his head. "Okay, well, most siblings do tussle and annoy each other that way. Cam would never hurt Rodney that way or I'd send his ass to prison for it." He smirked at his colonel then at the kid. "He knows not to piss me off since I'm the dad over this program."

"If you're sure," Xander said with a nod.

"I am. He'd never really do it." He leaned down. "You don't have to worry about them being inappropriately mean, kiddo. All of us are mean only when we need to be or we're really pissed off at something stupid. You're not something stupid until you start to date assassins again."

Xander nodded again, relaxing some. "Sure, I get that. I have my own evil moments." They all smiled at him. "So who am I getting to annoy all the time?"

"I'll call them down here so you can meet them. That way you can meet them to make sure they're not flakes." He got someone to find their files for him and called them from his desk while John and Cam took the new team on a tour of the base with the kid.

Rodney looked at Jack. "I think he's flashing off to violent families where one sibling killed another," he said quietly once the group was gone. "We have to convince him we're not all like that." He walked off to go to the labs to check on the wrong things they were doing.

Jack nodded. He could talk to the new guys about that later.

***

Steve McGarrett came off the plane, he had already warned Danny when they were landing so there were cop cars there. "Hey, guys," he said, walking down to meet Danny. "So how was it while I was in Colorado?"

"You were where?" one of the detectives demanded, glaring at him. "You've been here...."

"I was in Colorado since very early this morning," Steve said. "You can check my phone, I made a few calls from Cheyenne Mountain. I was talking to the other two who have partial custody of my nephew because his guardian is a bit nuts." He pointed behind him. "Ask the pilots where they picked me up, Detective."

"You picked him up where?"

"Colorado Springs, Detective," one said as he came down the stairs. "Not too often I get to fly a single SEAL anywhere. Usually there's at least three of them." Steve smirked at him. "Though if you were in Cheyenne, that explains a lot."

Steve nodded. "One of their generals and I share custody of the kid."

"We had to bust his guardian because she wanted to have him bred to and he's seven." The pilot winced. "Yeah, we had fun today." He looked at the detective. "With our jobs, he can't hold physical custody. He's still considered active military on detached duty."

"So yeah, if we don't have wives, we can't have single father custody," the pilot agreed. "That's why my wife's sister took in my kids when I got divorced. She's not psychotic like her sister was." He handed the detective the paperwork. "Flight plan, all filed properly."

He looked at it and grimaced. "Then who shot the governor if it wasn't him?" he demanded.

"Someone Wo Fat hired," Steve said simply. "We've been trying to get him out of the public for a while now. He's tried to discredit the team before."

"You're..." the detective said.

"Detective McGarrett, 5-0," Danny said dryly, smirking at him. "Which is why I spent this morning busting people who work with the asshole." He looked at him. "The nanny's gone, right?"

"Jack sent someone to arrest her but she's in the woods supposedly hunting something. He picked someone from his project and got Jake's team sent to them for good to protect them." He smirked a tiny bit. "I heard Xander pounced Cameron to nag him about bullying Rodney. They're making sure he realizes they're not that sort of jackass."

"No, the ones I talked to are like you, only mean when you need to be or someone flips your switch to cranky evil," Danny told him with an evil smirk. Steve smirked back then at the detective.

"No wonder there's rumors about your team," he complained. Steve stared at him until he looked away. "They used your service revolver, Commander."

"I doubt that." He pulled it and held it up. "This is my service piece."

"The damn thing even sleeps under his pillows," Danny quipped. "That and a knife."

Steve frowned at him. "Kono told you that?"

"Yeah. Said she nearly dropped it under the bed when she was helping you redo the bedroom after that break-in."

"She did drop the knife but she spotted the gun and caught it before it hit the floor," Steve agreed. He looked at the detective again. "You can run the serial number if you want." The detective took it to call in, getting a frown when they reported back. "Not mine?"

"Not listed as yours, McGarrett. They're listing you as a forty-five."

"No, I carry a nine-mil like everyone else."

"That's definitely weird." He handed it back. "I want you where I can find you at a moment's notice." Danny handed over his card. "Fine, are you on his bed too?" he asked dryly.

"I'm not on his ass that way but tonight we're going to be having dinner with my ex-wife and kid to talk about Xander. I'm hoping we can convince the kid to quit sleeping with a battle axe."

"He does love that more than the step-puppy he has," Chin agreed as he walked over. "We found the dirty agent in the lab. He switched the gun registration." He handed that to the detective, who read it with a grimace. "The original owner of that gun is still listed as the thug that we think probably shot the governor. No one's found him yet to make sure it's him."

"Wo Fat probably had him killed," Steve said, considering it. Then he nodded. "We'll probably find him washing up soon."

"Probably," that detective complained. He stared at McGarrett. "You were really in Colorado?" Steve nodded. "Your nephew?"

"My dad and his dad served," Steve said. "I'm an honorary uncle but his only actual stepuncle is an active duty Delta and his godfather is a general in Cheyenne. We split him for half a year each while the one uncle visits when he can."

"Xander's a cute kid but he has a potty mouth," Chin told him. "And he really likes weapons."

Steve grinned at him. "Xander warned if I was ever killed or put into jail and Danny was taken out, he'd be dating Gracie to protect her."

Danny shook his head quickly. "Hell no. I love the kid, he's a neat little guy, but I can't see my daughter turning into the touch, dangerous chick that tend to think he's like candy. My daughter should never need a sword or a gun unless aliens land to take over the volcanos. Then he can help lead the resistance movement with her." He walked off. He didn't care if Steve and Chin were both amused at that scenario or not, it was not going to happen to his Gracie and that little thug in the making. He paused then looked at Steve. "You know, Xander's like a kid between us. My skills and your skills and ancient weapons on top of it."

"I've had that thought but blocked it out. I'd hate to use swords all the time. Or even his battle axe." Danny was now rubbing his forehead and finding his phone to call his ex-wife to let her know that Xander was safely in Colorado for six months. Steve and Chin shared a smirk and they walked off together. "I'll be in the office again tomorrow, Detective. Let me know if you need to talk to me again."

"Fine." He went back to his office to look up McGarrett better. There was a note about his 'nephew' being in his partial custody due to his job and how he had some 'uncles' that were military in to play with him. It was still too weird for Hawaii.

***

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