Childhood Roulette - The Crawling Terror of Doom by voracity

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Jack walked Xander into the room, nodding at the three soldiers who all saluted him. "Guys, relax. This is a job interview but not for the program. I know you were all here. This is even more important. This is my godson, Xander." Xander smirked and waved.

"I've heard," one said with a nod to the kid. "Including about that lady that showed up."

"That's Halfrek. She's over lost childhoods," Xander said. "She put me with a nanny who's really into having more hunters any way she can do it. She had someone take my blood so they could make sperm to give babies with some others they thought could be good hunters." He sat on the table, staring at them. "Uncle Jack arrested her earlier."

"Tried to. She's still in the woods but I've got a BOLO on her," Jack said, sitting down. "So he now needs a nanny sort to help him reraise himself."

"Reraise?" one asked.

Xander grinned. "I'm actually twenty-two in another few weeks. Then the wish happened," he finished sarcastically. "But at least the witch with the magic addiction did end up aging me to seven again. I had been two for a bit."

They all stared at him. The one that knew smiled. "You have all your memories, don't you, kid?"

"Yup. Every last nasty, dirty one," he quipped, grinning at him. "Which means I don't have any of the important innocences left that could get me hurt. Like that canopic jar thingy in Daniel's office." He shrugged. "It thought it wanted me too. It was really wrong."

"So yeah, he needs a parental sort to help him regrow into a good guy," Jack said. "Former hunting and all that included. Thankfully his other uncle in Hawaii has all his weapons."

"He'd better be replacing them all too," Xander quipped. "It'll take me too long to build up my storage area again and I'll probably need it by the time I'm sixteen." He looked at them. "I'm not that complicated but she had ideas that were really stupid. I'm still the asshole I was a few months back. Now I'm just shorter." He shrugged.

"And restarting school soon," Jack said dryly. "It's a lot different outside of Sunnydale, kid. You'll actually have homework."

"I had that before," he complained. "Can't I home school?"

"If the one that takes you in wants you to." He shrugged back. "You've still got to get a real diploma and don't think McKay will let you slack and be a D student. He'll expect you to do your best, not just coast, and to get more knowledge this time. He said if it was him he'd be getting all the same degrees plus one more." He looked at the guys while Xander moaned as only a seven-year-old-boy could.

"You three are the most uptight I could think of that could be a good uncle. The house itself and the kid rotates back and forth to Hawaii for half the year. That uncle takes care of the weapons habits and all his other stored stuff." Xander rolled his eyes. "He's a bit mouthy but he's himself and he used to hunt demons while working construction all day with a demanding girlfriend after hours. He did more insane things than we do."

One of them winced and raised his hand. "Sir, I left the program because I married a great woman with three little girls who would warp him horribly."

"Been there, done that," Xander quipped. "The bitches in my life made me watch *so* many dress movies. I can actually braid hair and put on a corset plus all that girly stuff. Hell, I used to carry an emergency tampon due to those girls."

"He might warp them back," Jack admitted. "I can see that reason though. You sure?"

"I'd love to help him, sir, but I doubt he'll be any more normal around me," that one said. "Sorry, kid. Don't want you to be more warped."

"I'm still going to end up hunting," Xander told him. "There's a few who think I'll like buttsex with them. I fully plan on taking them out with artillery." He looked at the other two. One was horrified. Xander shrugged. "I took a fired vengeance demon to the prom and was engaged to her before she made the accidental, prompted wish, dude. I've seen worse than all that you guys do here. I actually had one as a forced roommate for a bit." He grimaced. "I really hated having a vampire roomie to tape in my old recliner."

The one that wasn't horrified shrugged. "I was on Atlantis, kid. Wraith eat people too." Xander grinned and nodded. "You heard?"

"Yeah. Kitten poker." He grinned.

"Cool. General?"

"Please do. I'll take you over to the house later on after you pack."

Xander leaned closer to him. "I hate drunks," he said bluntly, staring at him. "I'm not real fond of abusive assholes either."

"Good thing I'm not either, kiddo."

"Good." He relaxed. "That's very good."

"I've only got a few boxes. I can be there tonight." Jack nodded. "Is it a full house?"

"Yeah. It's got a mirror image one in Hawaii," Xander said with a grin. "But not near the beach."

"That figures. It's still Hawaii." He stared at him. "Am I getting you back into at least soldier shape?"

Xander nodded. "Probably, yeah. Home schooling?"

"Probably for now. Before you freak out a teacher talking about your ex-girlfriend. Thankfully I'm working on a college degree right now so I can help you with that." Xander grinned. "We'll try it and see, kiddo. General?"

"Go pack. Meet me here," he said, writing down the address and handing it over. "At about five."

"Yes, sir." He saluted and left, going to pack his stuff. It was an interesting assignment. The kid was kind of like the soldiers he had served with on Atlantis. He spotted Sheppard, nodding at him. "Colonel."

"If you're Xander's new guardian, McKay, Mitchell, and I are all interested uncles with Dr. Janet and Dr. Lam joining in, sometimes with Jackson."

"He's so much like some of ours."

"Yeah, he is." He grinned. "He nearly hurt Cameron earlier for him picking on McKay and threatening him with lemons again. Told him he was being a bully."

"I like the kid, sir. He's really neat. Weird but neat. It's about as normal as I can probably stand anymore."

"Good. Have fun with him. We'll be dropping by when we're around."

"O'Neill told me I could home school him."

"I'll have McKay figure out which system you should use. He wasn't really a school sort before, more hands on."

"That's fine. So was I."

"Good." He clapped him on the arm. "Oh, he tried to flirt with Vala in the caf the other day. He said she's the sort of woman he needs."

"I'd tap that in a heartbeat if she let me, sir."

"Most of us would. I've heard he dated assassins too."

The guy grinned. "He's reminding more and more of you, sir." He walked off happier. Yeah, he could handle the kid. He'd be a good dad to the kid.

***

McGarrett got the abbreviated file on the new nanny/guardian the next day from O'Neill and it made him laugh. He handed it to Danny. "The new guardian."

Danny read it over. "Sounds slightly insane so he and the kid should get along."

"Xander's email this morning said Scott really loves his battle axe and swords. He flipped through a few of the demon books and wasn't creeped out, and they shared stories about vampires and other human eating things."

Danny handed the folder back. "I can see how that'd help the kid. It's good for him. Makes him more normal. School stuff?"

"Home schooling. One of the uncles out there is all but Nobel nodded in physics." Danny winced. "He's finding him what he needs and is nagging. Plus getting him used to real geniuses that don't act like Willow."

"Huh." Danny went back to his desk nodding. "So the uncle's a good one. Good."

"Jake's team is now O'Neill's permanently."

"Even better. Means the kid and Jake can make each other more normal."

Steve laughed. You never knew about those two. Normal might be too hard to obtain or it could be easy to adjust them to.

***

General Landry looked at the colonel in front of him. "Colonel, who told you to come here?"

"General O'Neill, sir."

"Oh. I see. I wish he had left me paperwork." He called him. "This new team I have?" Jack told him exactly why he had them and what they were excellent at. "Oh, that's good. Yes, I can use that. I'll start them in the program bootcamp today so they get all the various little problems down. Thank you. Next time at least leave me a note?" He got into his phone, finding that voicemail. "I didn't check that. Thank you, O'Neill." He hung up shaking his head. "His mind is going." He looked at the colonel. "Have you been put into a bootcamp class to learn about all our allies and problems?"

"We got a run-down yesterday from Colonel Mitchell and Colonel Sheppard, sir."

Landry blinked. "They're a bit warped, Colonel Clay."

"I've seen worse, sir, and when you're dealing with aliens a little warped might help."

"Could be," he agreed dryly. "Fine, we'll get you all set up in rooms and in bootcamp classes. It should take a few weeks. Anything I should worry about?"

"Pooch is probably going to be moving his wife closer soon. She's due to spawn very shortly. Jensen's got a sister and a niece he'll have moved wherever we end up."

"We have multiple sites but this is the main one and probably easier to get to than Antarctica. Or the Pegasus galaxy."

"Actually, sir, Jensen's sister would just shrug that off and pick up a bat to beat the living crap out of the wraith. She's scarier than her brother is."

"That's good to know too. Thanks for the warning. All right, let me get someone to get you set up. Chuck?" he called.

He leaned in a minute later. "General, Colonel Mitchell was looking for Colonel Clay so they could finish the intake paperwork and setting up."

"Thank you. Dismissed, Colonel. I hope you fit in here very well." Colonel Clay saluted him and went with Chuck. The general listened to that voicemail again. It was very clear why Jack wanted them here. They were like SG-1 only less sane and science oriented. So they'd probably do good here.

Hopefully O'Neill would be back in DC soon so he wouldn't have to deal with things like that kid. Or his guardians.

***

Xander looked at his guardian once he got in, staring at him for a minute. "So you're mildly insane I hope?"

"Probably. I used to do what General Jack does, kiddo." He leaned down to look at him. "I realize you're older inside. We can teach you to fake it until you get there again so no one wonders why a seven-year-old kid knows things. Though, I got warned I was to trim that swearing problem you have." He grinned.

"I swore at this age the first time," Xander admitted, grimacing a tiny bit. "It sucks but my parents didn't care."

"Me either, but not in public, near the uncles and aunts, or other interested people like the two docs who look at you like you're a great thing, and we'll figure the rest out."

"I can do that, probably."

"I don't expect perfection. Try your best. We'll get you back into shape too."

"I used to do construction. Plus swing a sword or battle axe, but I still really love artillery." He grinned. "I adore my barking pets that're in Hawaii."

"Ditto. I think artillery should be worshiped as a deity." Xander hugged him so he patted him on the head, making the kid wince and hiss. He checked. "When did that happen?"

"When I fell earlier in the shower." He shrugged. Halfrek showed up. "Hey, Hallie. This is David Scott Mercator. Uncle Jack picked him to replace the idiot one."

Halfrek frowned at him. "What was wrong with her?"

"Beyond the fact that she was going to make me spawn?" he asked, staring up at her. "She had plans of six or seven kids. Took me to a special doctor to take stuff to do that."

Halfrek looked up then at him. "D'Hoffryn is now drinking mylanta instead of popping rolaids," she said sarcastically.

"Think how I feel!" Xander shot back, grinning at her. "She was going to have me bred to Uncle Steve and his Danny both." She shuddered. "That way we won't run out of hunters in the future."

She looked at the new guy. "Are you a hunter?"

"I worked with General Jack O'Neill for over five years before I got injured and decided to go to college, ma'am."

"She's Halfrek, over lost childhoods," Xander told him. She stared down at him then at the new guy. "He's one of Uncle Jack's soldiers who go out to solve alien things before the hunters have to do it for them."

"I've got a few nephews I don't get to see real often because they're in Europe at the moment, ma'am. I'll be a good, strong uncle for him and help him regrow. Plus I don't know too many people who'd worry about the switching back and forth to Hawaii," he said with a grin. "Is he to home school like Dr. McKay wanted him to, ma'am?"

She rubbed her forehead. "I've seen him in the past when he was telling some parent off. Wow, I still remember that headache from the yelling." Xander hugged her. "Thanks, kiddo. If you want to home school it might solve a few telling problems when you blurt out Sunnydale stuff in class. I don't mind that idea at all. The future spawn?"

"Uncle Steve found all those samples with his Danny and stomped them flat," Xander quipped with a grin.

"GOOD!" She smiled down at him. "All right, we'll try you. We'll need you to go over the demon classification books with him. Also, watch out because while grenades solve a lot of things they're not always the right solution."

"Ma'am, I've seen people like McKay take out a whole base full of asshole aliens with a pen knife and a flashlight, which somehow made the base blow up," he told her. "I realize when it's a good idea but not the right one, even if it might be the best one."

She nodded. "I can't argue with that. Watch out for the two demons who would love to take him in as a future concubine. They take blessed things to take them out."

"Why two?" Xander demanded, hands going to his hips. "Two? Really?"

"Yeah. Two. The original one and some female goddess who thinks you'll make an excellent bedwarmer, kiddo." She smiled. "She's been scrying."

Xander looked up and waved. "I'll destroy you," he called. "Even at this size." He looked at her again, giving her a pointed look. "Did Anya survive?"

"Um... supposedly. She's not been redemoned, but that wouldn't be possible probably. I think she's alive. Why?"

"She has my photo albums somewhere."

"I think Willow has those."

"Can I have them?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Can you make her think I'm dead? It might make them feel better."

Hallie nodded. "Maybe, yeah. I'll go talk to her." She looked at the new guy. "They told you he has a problem on sugar?"

He grinned. "Yes, ma'am, but I've seen plenty of that escorting geeks around the universe. There's not been a planet yet that hasn't met one of our hyper geeks, ma'am."

"Wow. That's even weirder than demons." She shook her head. "Good luck. I'll check on you in a few weeks in case he's driven you nuts." She got another hug from the kid. "Thanks, Xander."

"You need it. You do a really important job, Hallie. You need the cuddles sometimes to remind you why you started doing vengeance to help kids like I was." He stared up at her. "You can come back for cuddles when you need 'em. Even I'd cry at some of the ones that call on you." She smiled, petting over his hair before leaving them alone. He looked at the new guy. "She's got a really hard job."

"I'm sure she does. Parents that make their kids call out for her would usually make me want to kick 'em around." He grinned. "Yours alive?"

"Not a damn clue," Xander admitted then shrugged. "If so, I don't care."

"Even better. We can work on that stuff too, that way you can date when you're old enough."

"I had a few of those but the girls treated me like shit."

"Yeah, I know some like that too. My sister's one so I won't introduce you." He winked. "Let's look at dinner stuff."

"Must I eat veggies?" he whined.

"Sometimes. Even I eat a *few* veggies. We can substitute and find things that work for you." He took him to the kitchen, starting with a snack of chips and salsa. "Half a cup of salsa is a veggie serving," he quipped. "And makes a decent snack." Xander grinned but dug in to eat. He picked out what he wanted. "Who bought you the fancy fish?"

"I think Doctor Janet did. I have no idea about fish that's not in a sandwich."

"I lived like that until I joined the military." He pulled out the rest of what he wanted and got to work making veggie meatballs with ground turkey. He could cook those in a nice sauce and it was going to last for a few meals.

***

Steve looked up from his paperwork when the twinkling started. "Halfrek. Problems?" he asked, leaning back in his seat.

"The doctor was going to make him spawn?"

"Yeah. The kid was worried they'd be making him clones but not that time." He handed over the reports once he found them. "That's on them."

She read it over, grimacing. "Yeah, I'd want her arrested for that."

"She's somewhere near Jack's area from what he said."

"Figures." She handed it back. "He's got a new guardian."

"Jack sent us his non-classified dossier," he said with a smile. "He sounds like a stand-up guy."

"He seems like it. Xander will warp him horribly." Steve laughed but nodded. "We're going to have two problems." Steve stared at her, getting serious again. "He's got more than one potential suitor he'll have to take out some day soon."

"Great. Are they demonic or evil in other ways?" Danny asked from the doorway where he was leaning.

"Demonic. She's a hell goddess." Danny winced. "Blessed, thermal rounds," she told Steve with a smirk. "She's scried him a few times."

"Sure, I can remember that in case she shows up here. Other problem?"

"He asked about the girls." Steve grimaced. "He suggested that I remove their memories of him being shrunken and replace them with he died ones, plus that I steal the rest of his stuff from Anya and Willow."

"I think it might make them quit hurting some," Steve said. "Would it work on that one's magic addiction problems?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I can make it stick with Anya's help. He asked about her too."

"Can we ease some of his so he doesn't hurt about her?" Danny asked. "He's real worried that they'll fall without him there ta help 'em. He's had more than one nightmare I know of when I was watching over him about that."

She grimaced, shaking her head. "When they fall, he would've went with them if he was there. It's saving the future in a lot of ways. We think that's why the wish was prompted." She sighed. "We might have a problem beyond that. Anya's apparently missing."

"Missing presumed dead or missing went to Vegas to get laid missing?" Danny asked.

"I'm hoping the second but no one can find her. If she's turned we'll have a problem. Though Rosenburg might break and stake her. She'll float a branch to do it, like usual."

"Is that allowed by the rules of magic?" Danny asked, coming in to sit down. "I've read a few books and they were written by posers with fake names but they all said stuff about karma and the three fold rule."

"Rosenburg's already been caught by that a few times," she agreed. "No, killing with magic is damaging to your magic in a few different ways. Though those books do have good meditational exercises." She smiled. "We've all tried to nag the witch. Including her former girlfriend. She's ...she's addicted and it's bad. I've seen a few addicted kids who called on me who weren't in as bad of shape as she is. I don't know how it'll fall out really." Danny and Steve both nodded. "But it seems like he likes the kid. He's going to be home schooling Xander. He's already fed him salsa to get him to eat vegetables." She smiled. "He's not that bad." She disappeared, going to the Hyperion in LA. She sat down with a sigh in front of the teammates and the LA team. "A few things got asked. Xander thinks Anya might be missing?"

"We're not sure," Angel admitted. "No one's seen her in days and she missed her doctor's appointment for her battle injuries. She's still having those cuts cleaned professionally every few days."

"Okay. He was a bit worried. Not sure if he knows why he's worried. Second," she said, looking at Willow. She leaned over to grab her arm and pull it out to look at in the light. "This is not skin cancer, Rosenburg. This is magical eating." She stared at her. "That is your magic eating your flesh and necrotising it." She let her arm go. "Also, Xander wanted his photo albums back." She slumped, shaking her head. "He suggested that we diffuse the worry about him with a memory fixing. Would that help?"

Buffy shook her head. "We miss him but it's better for him."

Halfrek looked at her. "I don't think it was why he was sent. It might be to fill in for a hunter need in the future by what we think." She stared at Buffy. "We can change the memories for you if you want, Summers. That way it's easier and you think he died in the battle or something."

She slumped, shaking her head. "I don't know. I really don't. What if we run into him?"

"I don't think you'll be lasting that long, Slayer. By the prophecies we know you're not going to make it more than another five years. Thanks to us stopping Rosenburg the other day, we managed to age him to his right age of seven." Buffy glared at Willow, who was pouting at her arm. Someone stomped in. "There you are. People were thinking you had been taken out."

"We need to take out their memories." She hugged Halfrek and saw her wince. She smirked. "It's not that bad."

"Don't make me stake you," Buffy sighed, leaning back and rubbing her forehead. "Damn it." She hit Willow on the arm when a stake was floated over. "No! Bad witch!"

"That is why your skin is being eaten, Willow," Halfrek warned. "That's what dark and blood magics do to a body. Killing via magic is the same thing."

"I...." She got up and stomped off. Halfrek confiscated the photo albums for the kid and twitched her hand while staring at Buffy. "Now it won't hurt her as much," she said quietly.

"I get that and it's nice to her," Buffy sighed, looking at Anya. "If you're going to be a feeder, you're going to have to run away, Anya."

"I probably won't but I can ask to be changed from here." She smiled. "It could get me a better position."

"If you want to be a succuba, they won't take vampires," Angel said. Anya glared at him. "They won't." She got up and huffed off back out of the hotel. He looked at Buffy, who was shaking her head with a sigh. "I can have someone else."

"Let her make out a will first," Hallie ordered. "So the kid can get the pictures she kept of them." They both nodded. "I'll talk to her about that tonight." She got up. "Try to calm Rosenburg off the magic," she told Angel and Wesley, who both nodded they'd try. "She showed up in Hawaii to remove Xander from history until Xander and I pointed out it meant that she wouldn't have made it out of third grade. Then I knocked her out so she woke up this week." She left, tracking her former best friend. She settled across from her at the club, staring at her. "Xander wanted to make sure that your will said he got the pictures you kept."

"My will names him as my successor and it's on file with the demon courts." She sipped her drink. "Wolfram and Hart had me turned."

"I can point someone toward them. You know, we had to stop someone who wanted Xander to have kids. His original guardian was getting stuff so they could breed to him to make future hunters," she explained while Anya choked. "That was his feeling too. She even tried to butter him up by feeding him chocolate eggos that morning. He said now he knows to run from them." She smirked a tiny bit. "So now what, sweetie?"

"I don't know but I don't want to cause Buffy any problems." She shrugged, sipping her drink again. "It's not so bad. Even if blood does taste pretty nasty."

"I heard it does," Halfrek agreed. "You should probably go into hiding, Anya. You know the slayer won't take kindly to you being turned. Just stay away from the kid. Okay?"

"I can do that. I'll be watching him from farther away because Hawaii is really sunny." She finished her drink, standing up. "I'll make sure Xander gets all my stuff tonight." She left. She packed everything in her apartment for a demonic moving company to send over. She decided to keep all her accounts. She'd need the money to live on. She used some of her magic to disillusion herself so she could sneak out of LA. It was going to be a long, fun life.

***

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