Childhood Roulette - The Crawling Terror of Doom by voracity

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Clay looked up as someone new walked into the warehouse. "Finally!" he yelled. He handed the baby to O'Neill. "He *really* wants to pet his new doggy that barks bullets. We're not allowing him to touch it since it nearly shot up the rest of his pets," he said with an insane smirk. "Have the baby for a few minutes so we can all calm down now that we're not being shot at." He stomped off.

Xander blew a raspberry at his back. "Jackass!" Clay glared back at him. He smirked and waved. "Woosey!"

"Stop it," Jack O'Neill ordered.

"Pets!" he whined with a point.

"No. Artillery is not pets. Real dogs and cats are pets, Xander."

"Puppy?" Xander asked, pointing at his hellhound in her nest of drug dealers' heads.

"That is a puppy, yes. Though her nest is a bit... Wrong." He walked in the other direction. "Jensen?" He looked up from bandaging a cut. "You good?"

"I'm fine. We've been babbling all morning." He took the baby to put in his lap. Xander cackled and hugged him. He grinned back. "We love you, little guy. Even if you did suggest that Roque sit on the pretty gun." He gave him a squeeze. O'Neill opened his mouth. Jensen pointed. "He thought they should play teeter-totter and Roque should have the open end."

"Ah." He looked that nice looking cannon over. "Okay." He looked over as the door opened and someone younger walked in. "I've seen you somewhere."

"We were getting a medal at the same ceremony, General. Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett." He shook his hand. "Jensen."

"McGarrett." He held up the baby. "Have a Xander so I can finish my bandaid job?"

"I can hold him. I'm not real used to babies though." He took him carefully.

"Relax. You won't break him," O'Neill said quietly. He looked around. "What's in the shadows?"

Pooch reached up to turn on the rest of the lights. "His other non-living pets."

Steve looked at the boxes and cases then at the kid. "How did you do that?"

"Poker," he said with an evil grin. He looked up at the guy holding him. "Pood?"

"I don't have any on me," Steve said.

"Shoot." The hellhound barked and ran out. Someone outside screamed and the dog chased. "Go doggy go!" he shouted after her. "Good doggy!"

"This part of Texas is seriously going to have no drug problem soon," Roque said sarcastically. "The kid will drive you nuts."

Xander cackled and waved. "Need happies to fly."

"I'm not Peter Pan, kid."

Xander looked him over. "No tights?" Roque walked off shaking his head.

"They said he's going to slowly lose or have his old memories repressed," Jensen said quietly, handing over that note. Xander was yawning. He took him back to let him nap on him. If he got moved once he was asleep he'd wake up and be like two kids on meth. "We just found out someone tried to set us up."

Jack nodded. "I saw that." He looked at the kid. "Bed?"

"No!" Jensen hissed. "He turns into a fucking tweaker when you wake him up."

"Okay," Jack said, backing down on that point.

"No, let the kid sleep," Clay ordered. "My sniper is having to sleep in the rafters because the baby keeps trying to take his hat and braid his hair. My other two guys are a bit freaked out, General and Commander. Right now, I'm a bit freaked out." The dog trotted back in carrying another head. "He was a local cop. That's bad." He looked at the artillery then at the other two. "We're still currently listed as being on active assignment and the kid's fucking weird," he admitted quietly. "Things like him a lot. Last night, one of the things brought him sushi and when he refused to eat it brought him a huge bowl of fruit salad." He pointed at the punchbowl that held the remains of it. "I've seen slightly weird kids thanks to Jensen's niece, who is just like him. This kid is fucking weird, far beyond fucking weird really. And he keeps trying to tell my second in command to kiss me."

Jack smiled. "That is a bit weird, yeah. I'm about to go into a battle in approximately three months." He looked at the nice, strong SEAL next to him.

"I'm heading a new task force to handle the huge problems in Hawaii," he admitted. "But I'm able to be recalled at any given time. I'm not even sure why they told me since it was my father that was their friend."

Jack nodded. "I'd say we could switch off when I'm not handling emergencies but I'm in Colorado."

"I'm usually found being bitched at about not waiting for backup before I run in to shoot people," Steve said.

Someone new stomped in. "Has anyone seen a head that got ripped off?" They pointed at the nest. "That's what did it. The girl he was assaulting said a dog had done it." He looked at the other heads. "Dear, can I have those? We need them to identify the former owners." The dog stared at him. "It means I can do paperwork that'll be ignored. Please?" The dog barked and ran over to bark at Jensen until he gave her something he was eating. She curled up next to him and put her chin on his knee to stare at the baby.

"We're really sorry," Jensen said.

"I'm not." He had someone come pick up the heads. "What's that?"

"The baby's inheritance," Jensen said with a point at the baby.

"Aww. He's adorable."

"That's because he's asleep," Jack said.

"I know. I have six kids. Kids that age are always sweet when they're sleeping." They finished gathering the heads and left. "Found the dog," he called as he walked out. "Not even Animal Control wants it. It's as big as a wolf and looks like red flames." The warehouse door shut.

Xander blinked at them then shifted onto his side to curl up and sleep. "Want the sleeping bag?" Jensen whispered. Xander shook his head. "You could nap with your puppy." Xander snuffled. They carefully got him moved and the dog followed. Xander smiled and snuggled in. Jensen looked at the two guys. "It's one of us or a foster family," he said quietly. "Which will probably stymie his development somewhat when they turn out to be too normal."

"I still have a battle in three months," Jack said. "My crazy ass scientists would probably warp him even further."

"There's also the matter of the price on his head," Steve said, staring at the kid. His noble instincts were screaming at him to help the poor little guy.

"Excuse me?" Jack demanded.

"That project that they helped shut down put a price on his head if he was found outside of Sunnydale." He looked at him. "There's another one but it's older."

"Good to know." He looked at the kid. "Would they do that to him now?"

"He helped take down a special project, General," Steve said. "Him and a few other late teens."

"And a librarian," Jensen finished with a quip and a grin.

Jack growled. "I heard about that mess. I would've stomped them too."

"Us too," Jensen agreed.

"I would've left nice notes saying what they had done and why they were no longer on this earth," Steve admitted. "Clearly I'm being warped by being part of the HPD."

Jack snickered. "No, most SEALS don't leave notes," he agreed. He considered the kid. "I can take him part of the time but I have battles that pop up without a lot of notice."

"I'm told that as soon as he's gotten to a new family we're going back to the Middle East," Jensen said. "This is an order from the same idiot that sent us to be killed this time so they could discredit us."

Jack grimaced. "Who?" Jensen handed over that file. He read it and nodded slowly. "Shitbag."

Steve took it. "He was on Oahu the other day. We'll try to get him." He tucked it under his arm. "I'm a bachelor and I work insane hours doing things like blowing up factories that hold gun runners."

Jack snickered. "Sounds like more fun than what I do all day."

Jensen stared at him. "I saw. By the way, he knows Thor."

"So that lady said."

"He cooed at the picture."

Jack winced. "Crap."

"Thor. Norse God of Thunder Thor?" Steve asked.

"Something like that but classified," Jack said.

Xander blinked at them. "Loki say make me more." He let himself close his eyes and relax again even if he wasn't napping.

"That's a bad thought," Jack said, walking over to the piles of stuff to see what they had. "Any inventory?"

"We stopped when we saw the thing with the tentacles," Roque said. He handed it over.

"Tentacles?" Steve demanded, looking that way.

Roque found that box and pulled it out to open. They stared at the tentacles coming off the gun barrel. "We're scared to test it."

"I had anime flashbacks," Jensen quipped.

Xander yawned and got up to walk over. "Shooty end," he said with a point and a grin at the general. "Go boom then toys." He looked around and climbed up something, squealing when he found what he wanted. "Books!"

Steve came over to help him down and read him the comic book. It wasn't something he had enjoyed really but the kid was apparently that sort of geek.

Jack took it outside to test against his rental car. He had gotten the extra insurance. Sure enough, the car exploded and then the tentacles sorted through the mess. It pulled some bits in and the gun read it was ready to fire again. "Huh." He walked it back inside and carefully put it away. "It self-reloads." He shut it and locked it.

"As long as it's not trying to fuck the pretty girls," Clay muttered, sipping some water. Jack glared at him. "He has hentai too, General."

"That figures," Steve muttered. "Geeks can be like that." Xander looked up at him. "I know other geeks." Xander grinned and patted the comic, letting him get back to reading it.

Halfrek appeared looking messed up. "There's a new hunt order on him. One of the major problems on the wrong side wants to sacrifice him."

Xander snorted and shook his head. "Idiots."

"It's Wolfram and Hart, Xander."

Xander looked up at her. Then up. "I'm coming up there! With candy and soda!" The warehouse seemed to shudder. He grinned sweetly at her. "Can."

"Yeah, I'm sure you can. I've seen you on a Mountain Dew high when you were older, Xander." He beamed and waved.

A higher demon appeared, looking at the boy. "I'll save you from them if you swear allegiance to me."

Xander stared at the demon. He said something in another language. "Suck rocks." The demon gasped, backing up. "Candy?" he asked the one holding him.

"I don't have any or I'd give you some." He pulled his gun and shot the demon.

"That won't help much," Halfrek admitted, giving him a reload clip. "That would." Steve reloaded and killed it this time. She smiled. "Wonderful!"

"Who's going to watch him while I'm off blowing up people smugglers?" he asked.

She considered it. "That is a good point. He could help."

"Not unless he's an adult and an officer or another SEAL," Steve said.

She grimaced. "That's bad." They all looked at the beam of light that started.

"No," Jack muttered, walking toward it. "Forcryin'outloud, Thor! Stop it! There's normals!"

"Already saw," Jensen and Steve said. Steve went back to reading.

Thor appeared and smiled at the baby, handing something to Halfrek. "That will help mask his signature. As of this moment he does read very large on an energy meter scan." Xander blinked at him. "You do."

"Necklace," he said, looking at Halfrek. She put it on him and he grinned at Thor. "Good?"

"Much better," he admitted. "That will help you further." He looked at Jack. "O'Neill, is he family to you?"

"No, he's my godson."

"Interesting." He nodded at the boy and disappeared.

Jack waited until he was sure Thor was out of range to hear him. "Yeah, the strange stuff loves him."

Halfrek looked at him. "That was a very minor strange thing, O'Neill. Wait until you see if there's a cooing party from the half-demons on your base."

"Party?" Xander chirped, grinning madly at her. "Party me? Cake?"

"We'll see about cake," Jack said dryly. "They make really bad cake on the base." Xander pouted and shrugged, going back to is comic. Steve just read to him, shaking his head. He looked at Halfrek. "I still have battles."

"I can set him up in another family but one of you is still going to have to look over his shoulder. No one normal will ever understand him and he'll turn out on the wrong side if he's not helpfully encouraged and trained."

Xander looked at her. "Bitch." Steve growled. "Is," he defended as he looked up. "Is mean bitch too!"

"I am," Halfrek agreed. "That demon lord still wants you too." Xander cackled and shook his head. "He would."

"Nope. Stabby first."

"If you're sure." She looked at the three potential families. "I don't care if you timeshare him. You could even set up a nanny to travel between you at times. But if one of you doesn't raise him there's every chance he'll go wrong instead of all that energy and skill being turned toward something helpful, like the military."

"Hunt," Xander said firmly.

"That demon lord will claim you if you try to go back to hunting, Xander, and you can't kill him." Xander stared at her. She almost got scared. Somehow, she knew that the baby could take that guy out. "How?" she asked. The baby just grinned and patted the comic again so Steve would turn the page and keep reading. "Okay then."

"We can probably agree to find him a nanny to watch over him and look over their shoulder," Jack said.

Jensen nodded quickly. "That would work for us too since we're never home."

"I have a good use for all his pets," Steve admitted.

Xander poked him. "Use and replace."

"I will."

Xander grinned. "Poker?"

"I might have to join that group to find their pipeline." He looked up. "Should he be this age?"

"No. I waved too hard. He should be six or seven."

"My partner has a daughter about that age."

"Which is another point in your favor." She looked at O'Neill, who glared. "It'd give you someone to fuss over at the very least," she said quietly. "Make you quit taking so many stupid risks when better plans appear."

"Sometimes you gotta do the stupid things so people survive," O'Neill said.

"He said much the same thing a few times."

"Figures since he was doing the same sort of insane, world saving stuff," he shot back.

Halfrek smiled. "So, how are we going to do this?"

"We're going to be setting up a nanny," Steve said.

Xander suddenly sat up and looked around. "Big bad thing." He winced and rubbed his forehead.

Halfrek looked up. "You should've told us he was a latent seer!" she yelled. "So I could've blocked it off!" She squatted down. "Xander, baby, what are you seeing?"

"Bad bad." He swallowed. "Bad mean. Boom. Bad bad." He blinked at her. She wiped the tears off. "Bad bad bad."

"I have no idea what that means and I can't get into your mind, Xander. Can you maybe put in more details?" He shook his head but then patted her pockets. "What? I don't have anything to help the headache."

"Big bad!"

"Spike?" she asked, looking confused. He nodded. "Why do you want Spike?"

"Dru!" He stared at her, willing her to get it.

"She's a seer and she can read minds, plus she adores you," she realized. She called Spike to there. "Call your ex."

"Why should I call the looney bint?" He stared at Xander. "We heard."

"Bad bad," he said, rubbing his head. "Bad bad bad!"

"Vision," Spike realized. Xander nodded. "Crap." His phone rang. "Speaking of looney bints. Dru?" he asked as he answered it. O'Neill put it on speaker.

"The kitten needs a translator to hiss for him, Spikey."

"Dru, bad bad bad, mean," Xander called.

"I saw, my kitten." She cooed. "You are adorable."

"So?"

"Fine. The town is going to fall in when the huge evil is coming."

"Bad bad," Xander agreed.

"The bad, mean man will try to kill Dawn and a few of the other slayers that must be called to fight him. Then the town will go boom." She giggled. "It'll be a pretty mess when the hellmouth sucks in the town, my Spike. The kitten would have made sure they didn't all die. Then all of demon kind can win since they're taking out the future slayers first. All the rest will be there fighting."

"No!" Xander shouted. "Not all!"

"Hmm. Some may have been too hard to get to but it doesn't mean they can get free of their areas to take care of a city, precious. You calm down and let mummy and Spikey handle things. We'll watch over you so you can be my proper kitten some year." Xander purred at the phone, making her giggle. "We'll see when you're older, kitten." She hung up.

Xander looked at Spike. Spike shuddered. "Thank you for that warning, whelp." Xander beamed and waved. "Dawn's going wherever you are. No matter what Fluffy and Red want."

Xander smirked at Halfrek. "Don't look at me."

"Could be mommy."

"She could be but that'd be very weird," she said. He shrugged. "Good point and she already knows you're warped." She looked at the men. "That might be the best option after all." She snapped and Dawn appeared with all her stuff.

Dawn looked around. "You forgot my pictures of Mom. They were in Buffy's room." She added those. "Am I going with Xander?"

"Bad mean splat boom suck," Xander said with a grin.

"Oh, great, another apocalypse battle?" she quipped. He grinned and nodded. "Fine." She looked at Halfrek then at Spike.

"Be the momma," Spike said with an evil smirk.

"I can do that somehow." She looked at Halfrek. "Which means I've gotta go on welfare until I finish school?"

"Sell something of his."

"Hell no," McGarrett said. "I'm an officer. Not going to happen."

"I know some people but no, not right," Jensen said.

"I can't agree to that either," Jack said. "She's way too young."

"I'm fifteen. There are mothers my age."

"Yeah but not great ones that'll have some sort of future," Jack countered.

She huffed. "Not my fault the monks aged me to this age!"

Halfrek flinched and looked at her. "I'll be damned. I never noticed that about you, Dawn."

She smirked. "You weren't supposed to. Are the crazy knights going to come back again?"

"No. They're all gone."

"Good! One less threat in my life." She huffed, looking at the baby. "I'll gladly play your mom, Xander."

Halfrek considered all the lines and shook her head. "No. That won't work. It'll get you both dead." She took Dawn with her, all her boxes now in a single bag. "Detective, I'd like you to meet your niece," she said, smiling at him.

Back at the warehouse the three looked at the boy. "Nanny would be good," Jack decided.

Steve nodded. "I can get behind that plan."

"Myriam," Xander called. She appeared, looking confused. "Need mommy sort."

She smiled and patted him on the head. "I can be your pretend mommy sort, Xander, but I'd still have to go feed now and then."

"Fishies?"

"I can eat fishies, yes." She smiled, flashing very sharp, pointed teeth. "That would be very good and we can teach you much more about being a demon lord when it's time to be claimed."

He shook his head. "Stabby."

"He won't let you stab him."

Xander cackled and smiled. "So?"

"Point perhaps."

"He needs someone who can appear to be a good mother," Steve said firmly. "One who can watch over him and help us make sure he's safe."

"Of course he'll be safe. The one who wants to claim him would never let anyone else have him. That would make him mad and make him claim a state to take over in his anger."

Halfrek reappeared. "No. Not a good idea." She sent the demon off. "I'll send a succuba," she told him. Xander grinned and nodded.

"As long as they're not feeding," O'Neill said. "We can't let anyone hurt our people or those innocent sorts in our cities."

"Crap."

"She eats fishes," Xander said.

"No! She'll definitely call that demon down for you."

Xander shrugged. "Still stabby."

"You can't kill him," she said. Xander waved her over and touched their foreheads together. Halfrek's face got that headache look and she moaned, backing off rubbing her head. She looked like she had aged ten years. "Oh, gods, you do know how." She pushed her hair back. "Damn it." Xander grinned. "All right. We'll pick you.... Seraphina. She's the sister of a succuba. She knows and wants to hunt her sister down so she can learn from everyone how to hunt and to protect you." She looked at them. They all nodded. "Good." She called her, freezing her when the girl tried to attack. "Stop it. I'm appointing you as guardian over a hunter that just got deaged." She unfroze her. "Xander." She pointed.

The other woman swallowed hard. "I've heard of him. He was my role model."

Xander grinned and waved. "Pretty."

"Thank you but I'm not evil enough for you." Xander cackled and nodded. She looked at Halfrek. "Who're you?"

"Halfrek."

"Then at least you're not really a harmful class of demon. I can take him in."

"These three are his nearest relatives. One travels, one's in Hawaii, one's in Colorado. You're switching between the two settled ones."

She nodded. "I can do that." She took the baby to look at. "Isn't it about time for a nap?"

"Had nap. Read."

"Reading is good." She scowled at the comic. "That will rot your mind."

He snorted. "Read all the time." She groaned and shook her head. He cooed and petted her. "You'll be okay." She glared. He grinned. "Read?"

"Later."

"Yes, he is a smartass, sarcastic hunter who is also a geek," Halfrek said. "He's to grow up into whoever he wants to be, hopefully with some extra training and pushing toward something helpful, like their careers."

"I can see that."

"Good!" She smiled. "You're all set up. McGarrett will get first custody of him. I'll have all this stuff moved to a warehouse out near you," she told him. He nodded once, standing up. "Go home, dog." It fled. "The house itself will move back and forth between Colorado and Oahu." She disappeared, glad it was over with. Things were quickly set up and it was good.

"Bring him to me at HQ when you get there," Steve told her quietly. "We're at the Palace." She nodded. "We'll set up how to handle things."

"I can do that." She looked at Jack. "By the time you switch out it'll be safer again so we'll do the same thing." She smiled and nodded. "Jensen travels so he can pop in to be nosy."

"I can do that."

"Excellent. Let's get you home, little guy."

"Oh, someone named Dru interpreted his vision," Jensen said.

She grimaced. "Great, the insane vampire seeress likes him."

"She kept calling him a kitty," Jack said dryly.

"Even better." She got relocated to the house. She put the baby down and let him toddle off. She'd follow him but he'd scream if he got into trouble.

Everyone else found themselves back in their correct locations, McGarrett with a warehouse full of stuff. He pulled out his phone. "We just got handed a stockpile we can borrow from but the owner is adamant that we give it back. I'll introduce you guys later. Once I don't have a headache." He hung up. He wondered how much ranting that tentacle gun was going to get out of Danny.

***

Danny sat down across from his ex-wife that night. "Remember that case that I got called on out of town back in Newark?"

"The child that had survived the horrible attack on her family?" she guessed. He nodded. "I remember you told me how it had happened."

"Well, same being showed up." She winced. "To help a little guy that got cursed to be tiny." She shook her head. "He's a little smartass. He's eighteen months. Still has some memories. Is a bit wild."

"So this is warning me that your team is watching over him?"

He grinned. "I think he and his caretaker could use some sense. It almost happened that Steve became a daddy." She smiled, almost against her will. "Gracie will love him. He'll overprotect her for years. He's a former demon hunter so we spent all day sorting out his former artillery collection, which he insists we can borrow but we have to replace."

She giggled. "Really?" He showed her a picture. "He's adorable."

"He's a hellion," he said. "But his last family was crap. Drunken craps to be specific." She nodded, handing it back. "Can we introduce you and his caretaker? She wants to be a demon hunter and Xander's already driving her nuts being a toddler. Grace would be perfectly safe with him because he's protected against that stuff hurting him. Apparently one really wants him but he's promised to stab them. A lot."

Rachel nodded. "We can be introduced but give it some time to see if he calms down before you introduce Grace."

"Halfrek admitted he should've turned out older."

"That's fine. Still, I don't want her to know about that sort of thing."

"Me either. But at least she'd be protected."

"True. I'll talk to her, see if she needs some help. It could help Grace to help him too." Danny grinned and nodded. "Why Steve?"

"His dad and the kid's dad were in the service together." He handed her the file they had created and merged with the one Halfrek had created. Theirs had things hers didn't. She read it and her face softened. "Yeah, he's a special little guy who'll drive us all nuts."

"I can definitely meet with her tomorrow." She smiled. "Malia?"

"Chin introduced them earlier because Xander was arguing that he did not have a broken wrist and it was fine. He was wrong but he insisted he was fine. It's like watching a more violent and wild mini McGarrett going. Oh, he's threatened to go on a sugar rush and a caffeine rush."

She nodded. "We can help her." She smiled. "When did you want to introduce us?"

"Anytime you want."

"Tomorrow?"

"Sure. We'll still be doing the inventory tomorrow. That way he can have anything of his, like his comic collection and his clothes. Though I doubt they'd fit him. Oh, he had hideous tastes in Hawaiian shirts."

"I'll keep that in mind." She smiled. "At least it's a painless favor and we're not arguing over it."

He smirked. "He's affectionately known as a white knight, Rachel. There's no way he'd let Gracie be hurt."

"Good. We'll see." He nodded and got up to go talk to his baby girl. It was his night to grab her for visitation. She relaxed and considered it. That poor baby needed someone more maternal and stable to get him out of that old life of his.

***

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