Just a silly little one-shot, written for Halloween. Not to be taken to seriously. If it is enjoyed, I may dabble again. It's an Addams Family x Stargate Atlantis Crossover. Partially inspired by the marvelous Caz251's Creep Kooky Spooky... Torchwood series. Not betaed.
John doesn’t speak to others about his family. Not because he was ashamed, or disowned, or orphaned horribly, or any of the nonsense the rumor mill seemed to churn out. But rather because he had learned the hard way that his family was… easily misunderstood.
He’d always taken after his mother’s side of the family. David, his step-brother, was a clone of the man who’d raised them both- Patrick Sheppard. John had never met his real father, and never felt any sort of need to search him out. He had his mother, who understood him; her family, who readily embraced him; and his step-father and brother, who despite their differences, loved John the only way they knew how, even if they’d never really gotten along or spent time together.
Even after his mother’s death when he was six, he’d never felt alone. He had her (their) family after all. His mother’s will had stipulated that he spent his summers with her family. And since he went to boarding school during the school year most of his time was spent either at school or at his mother’s family’s home.
He had his Auntie and Uncle- Auntie taught him about gardening and animals and biology, while Uncle taught him finances and swordsmanship and duty and honor. His three younger cousins were always fun to play with; they played such interesting games, and treated him like an older brother rather than a cousin. Grandmama was always there with cookies and an interesting story when he was feeling down. His other Uncle was a whiz at science- particularly chemistry, although he wasn’t too shabby at physics either- and taught John ever so much about improvisation.
From every member of his family he’d learnt the things that had shaped him into the man he was. And he could not be prouder of them all.
But when he told others of his family and their ways… Well, the best reactions had simply been looks of horror. The worst reaction had been when one of the boys he had thought was a friend had told a teacher. She’d sent social services after his family! How dare she! Different did not mean bad! It still made him angry just thinking of it. After the social services visit he’d refrained from speaking about his family. Not from shame, but in order to protect them from those outsiders who so readily misunderstood them.
As he walked to the mess hall, John wondered why his family was so readily on his mind these last few days. Perhaps it was simply being back on Earth? No, he hadn’t thought of them so much when the Ancients had banished them a few years back. There was another reason, he was sure of it.
But what was it? He thought on it as he collected the fantastically bland beef tacos that were on offer for lunch today. Sitting down at one of the tables, he began to eat. His team joined him. Teyla gave him a serene nod, and Torren giggled brightly and waved. Ronon grunted a greeting before digging eagerly into his triple portions. Rodney joined them, complaining as usual. John rolled his eyes and tuned out the whining with practiced ease.
“Mail call!” A young private called out cheerfully. John didn’t know him, he was one of the Cheyenne Mountain kids temporarily rotated out to Atlantis while it was stuck (temporarily!) on Earth.
John rolled his eyes again. They were on Earth, and the mail came daily, yet the base still acted like it was a rare occurrence to receive a letter. Like e-mail had suddenly disappeared or something.
“Err, Colonel?” A hesitant voice stammered out from behind him.
Slowly he turned around, arching a single dark brow silently.
“Er, Sir, I’m so very, very, sorry to, uh, to bother you…” The private trailed off.
John looked at him levelly.
“Uh, you see… the thing is… um…”
“Get to the point already!” Rodney whined, “You sound more ridiculous than Zelenka when he argues with me about string theory.”
“Do-you-have-a-middle-name-sir?” The hapless private forced out in one breath.
John raised his eyebrow a little higher. “Yes,” he drawled out, his tone a bit darker than it probably should be.
The boy flinched. John resisted the urge to smirk. Ronon snorted in amusement.
“You do?” Rodney’s voice took on that ridiculously grating high-pitched whine, “Why did you never tell me you had a middle name? You know my middle name! Is it embarrassing? I bet it’s embarrassing.”
John flicked his eyes over to Rodney, “Actually,” his voice was sardonic, “I quite like my middle names. I even went by it for much of my childhood.”
“Names? I had thought it was customary for your people to receive only one ‘middle name’ John?” Teyla questioned.
“It is,” Rodney confirmed through a mouthful of food. Teyla gave him a look as he opened his mouth to elaborate further that caused him to immediately snap his jaw shut.
“Sir?” the private squeaked.
John turned a baleful look upon him, “Yes?”
The private swallowed audibly “I… I need, uh, for you to, uh, confirm your… your middle name, uh, names for… for me, Sir.”
John sighed, “John Asmodeus Addams Sheppard.”
“Ver-very good, sir. Here… Here’s your letter,” the private’s hand shook as he handed the letter to John. He fled immediately afterward. Ronon snorted disdainfully.
John took the letter and looked at the elaborate calligraphy on the front. His lips quirked into a small smile, “Auntie.”
“Asmodeus?!?” Rodney sputtered, “Your middle name is Asmodeus?” He laughed, “That’s horrible!”
Teyla looked at him incredulously, “Rodney!” She scolded him for his rudeness.
John considered retorting. But then thought better of it. Nothing annoyed Rodney quite so much as when someone ignored him and didn’t rise to his bait. And he so enjoyed annoying Rodney. Taking a leaf from his cousin’s book he gave Rodney a disinterested look before deliberately dismissing him and turning to his letter.
The front was addressed to J. Asmodeus Addams Sheppard. He could see why the base had been a bit confused about whom to forward it to - both the "J." and the "Sheppard" were written so small as to be nearly invisible. Opening the letter eagerly he read:
My most darling and demented Asmodeus,
I hope that your life has been filled with misery and regret over the past years since I have last seen you, darling. Our own dreary existence continues, and it is with great sadness I must write to you and distract you from your own wretched existence. Aunt Grism has died. It was a long and painful death, none could wish for more. Her funeral is to be held upon the next full moon, my nefarious nephew. As an Addams you are, of course, invited to attend the revel. We do so hope you can come, the children miss you dreadfully, as do your Uncle and I.
You will also be delighted to know that the manchineel tree we planted by Gate when you were a boy is doing wonderfully. Just the other day a hapless young missionary came by- he is still in the hospital! We sent him flowers, of course. A lovely bouquet of jimsonweed, aconite, belladonna, water hemlock and oleander straight from the swamp.
P.S. If possible, could you please obtain the ritual sacrifice for the traditional Summoning following the funeral darling? Both of your Uncles have recently been put on ‘Watch Lists’ by the government. (We’re ever so proud!)
P.P.S. Thank you for the lovely birthday present, I do so enjoy the new variety of Rosary Peas. They go ever so well in Grandmama’s chili.
“Huh,” John commented.
Teyla looked up at him in concern, “Is everything alright John? I know you rarely have contact with your family.”
“Hmm?” John looked up at her, “Oh, no that’s my step-father’s side of the family… we never got along. My mother’s family, on the other hand, I get along quite well with. They practically raised me after all. I e-mail with my cousin, Pubert, quite frequently, and he passes the messages along to the rest of the family.”
Rodney gapes, “Pubert?” his voice is disgusted, “What kind of freaky name is that?!?”
John stiffened, “It is an Addams name.” He unconsciously lifted his chin, “And you’d best watch what you say. I don’t appreciate people mocking my family. We Addams stick together, to the peril of our enemies.”
“Well said.” A voice behind him stated. John turns to see his distant cousin David Oleander Addams Parrish. They exchanged smirks, “Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc,” David Oleander finished, looking malevolently at Rodney.
“Not just pretty words.” John confirmed. Looking at the other man he ignored his team, this was family business. “Did you receive the news?”
“About Aunt Grism’s horrific demise? Mother wrote me,” David Oleander nodded with a smile, “Simply dreadful news.”
“Isn’t it wondrous?” John smirked. “Are you planning to attend?”
“Of course! As if any true Addams would miss the revelry of a family funeral!” David Oleander laughed darkly.
“I’ll make sure we both have the time off,” John glanced at his watch, “In fact, I’ll go speak with Woolsey shortly.”
“Let me know if you need anything,” David Oleander grinned cruelly, “When I was a child, Great-Uncle Squint always said I was too creative for my sibling’s health.”
John laughed, “Grandmama claimed my ideas would cause anarchy amongst the masses and lead to a revolution bloodier than anything the French could dream of! She always said that Great-great-great grandmother Slice would be thrilled.”
David Oleander smirked, “I see you hardly need my help, then. Yet still it is on hand, if needed or simply desired. Have a wretched day, Asmodeus.”
“I hope you fail at everything you attempt, Oleander.” John returned cheerily.
John turned back to his tacos and took a bite. His teammates were all staring at him like they’d never seen him before. Rodney looked white as a ghost. John replayed the conversation back in his head. He didn’t think he and David Oleander had said anything too shocking.
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