1. John wonders why he’s so lucky. It isn’t good luck or bad luck alone, though, it’s this constant back and forth, back and forth between the two that makes him so weary. He literally can’t win for losing. He got free of his father- but lost his mother. He got engaged- but lost his lover. He was freed from his aunt- but lost what little childhood he might have had left. He found a new home- and woke an ancient enemy. He thinks, perhaps, that the thing he is most terrified of in the universe is what will happen next.
2. Sometimes John can feel this creeping black pool of rage and hatred; when he does he pushes it down, back into a little ball, deep as it will go. Except, sometimes, when he doesn’t.
3. John is terrified of Torren. Well, not of Torren, perhaps. Rather, John is terrified of everything and everyone around Torren. John would never forgive himself if something happened to Torren, especially if it was something that had happened to him. So he guards the child, to Teyla and his other teammates’ amusement, but he knows. Because while Teyla and Ronon faced terror and destruction at an enemy alien species’ hands their whole lives; John knows that the most terrifying species of all is humankind.
4. Sometimes John wishes he could quit. Just up and leave- Atlantis, the Air Force, sometimes even life itself. Maybe he’d have a normal posting, instead of life and death on a daily basis; or a little farmhouse on a small piece of land, and a big old mutt and a devoted lover at his side; or maybe he’d get to see his friends, his brother and mother, his grandparents, even Casey again. Then he remembers that he still has debts to pay- and not the financial sort, he’s in quite good shape in that respect.
5. John has requested that Rodney be removed from his position as Chief Science Officer once a year since Atlantis regained contact with Earth. He likes Rodney, certainly (though sometimes he is unsure why), but thinks the man is utterly unsuited to being line-leader, let alone leading an entire department. He’s entirely too arrogant, conceited, self-absorbed and rude. And, although John will never tell anybody but his superior as he requests Rodney’s removal year after year, the man is an unmitigated bully who terrorizes the other scientists on a regular basis. He knows that someday, Rodney will go too far, and he’ll be the one left to pick up the pieces when some scientist shatters under the brunt of Rodney’s ridicule and contempt.
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