"What did you do to your wand?" He screeches. The tip is discolored a dark orange and smells faintly.

"Umm, I kinda used it to scratch myself, I get a fierce itch. . .down there once in a while."

"There is a cure for that, it's called bathing regularly." He says dryly. "Continue."

"The teethmarks are from Scabb. . .errr, Peter Pettigrew. The claw marks are from one of the Gryff cats, he was chasing Scabbers. I might not have cleaned it too well, too much eating while I'm doing schoolwork. . .and can you believe Professor McGonagall complained about food stains on the work I turned in . . ."

"The nerve of her." Ollivander says sarcastically. Of course that flies right over Ron's head.

"I know. It's not my fault I have to do my homework over breakfast, it's the only time I have to work on it."

"And the reason it's broke?"

"It's not broke, it's just kinda . . .bent?" Ron says dubiously. "I kinda had it in my back pocket and sat on it."

"These are not rat teethmarks." Madam Umbridge says.

"Ummm yeah, I was kinda hoping you wouldn't see those. I was hungry one night and thought it was the week old sausage I had stuffed under my pillow for a midnight snack. I'd taken from breakfast. It wasn't until I tried chewing that I realized it was my wand. Sorry." The two look at him. "It was the middle of the night and I woke up hungry."

"Mr. Ollivander, we'll need a new wand for Mr. Weasley. Having you doing the weighing of the wands would be a disgrace."

'Beyond having Ron 'I failed my first year three times and I'm proud of it' Weasley as Hogwarts champion?' Ollivander thinks. "No."

"WHAT?" she screeches.

"You heard me NO. I refuse to sell another wand to Ronald Weasley. My wands are well-made hand-crafted masterpieces. He's destroyed two wands in barely four years."

"Mister Ollivander, be reasonable."

"I am being reasonable, Madam." He says icily. "I could refuse to sell to any members of the Weasley family now and for all time because they might be buying them for Ronald, I am only refusing to sell to him."

"I can force you to sell to him."

"No you cannot Madam, I will close down my business and nobody will be getting any wands or supplies. And I will tell everybody why I am shutting down. You will be crucified." She turns white, then red, then storms out of the building dragging Ron by the hand.

"But I wanna stop for candy." he hears Ron whining through the open door before it shuts. A few minutes later Madam Malkin taps on the door and comes in "What happened?"

"This is the wand I sold to Arthur Weasley for his son last year." Madam Malkin looks at the wand on the counter and winces as Ollivander throws a pinch of floo powder in the fire and contacts the Ministry. Arthur comes into the building ten minutes later, Molly a step behind him. They look the direction Ollivander is pointing and Molly screams. Madam Malkin heads back to her store, after the rush of students getting supplies Diagon Alley is quiet. The story will be all over within a couple hours.

"What the hell happened to Ron's wand?"

"The stains at the tip are from . . .scratching at delicate areas because they itched." Ollivander sneers. "If he bathed more, they might not itch. The small teethmarks are from your former pet Scabbers. The scratches are from one of the cats in Gryffindor tower, the human teethmarks are from Ron mistaking his wand for a week old sausage he saved from breakfast. It was the middle of the night and he was hungry. It was only when he tried to chew that he realized it was his wand. The food stains is from the fact that he always did his schoolwork at breakfast, probably because the assignment was due after breakfast."

"Because god forbid he start his schoolwork when it is actually assigned." Molly says, getting a full head of steam up. "And the reason it's broke?"

"Oh, it's not broke. It's just kinda bent, your son's own words. He stuck it in his back pocket and accidentally sat on it. More than once from the look of it."

"Why was he here?"

"One of the Ministry people wanted me to sell him a new wand, it was a disgrace that the Hogwarts Champion had a wand that looked like that. I refused, I take pride in my work even if he doesn't."

"I understand, I'm sorry my son is a complete and utter jackass about his belongings. You'd have thought that after breaking his first wand he's take care of this one."

"But if I break this one, I don't have to do my schoolwork." Ollivander says in a sing-song voice. "Molly, your other children are wonders. . .even if Percy does have a broomstick shoved up his bloody arse. It's not your fault that your youngest son is a stupid berk. Anyway when she tried to force me to sell him another wand I told her I would close the store and nobody would have wands. She stormed off in a huff with your son whining because he wanted candy. I know you didn't drop him on his head when he was a baby Molly, you're too good a mother."

"No, he's just a lazy git." A tap on the door brings Luna Lovegood's father and a reporter from the Prophet into the building and the story is told again. Pictures of the wand are taken and the promises of the story being on the front page tomorrow has Ollivander smirking.

"Let's see the Ministry try to force me to sell that little twit a wand now."