Imagine: The List
Fic posted by members of Vo's Imaginings YahooGroup


Xander walked up to where an embassy was, nodding at the guardian. "Warrior Lady of Wakanda, may I have a moment?" She glared at him. He grinned. "I'm not flirting, ma'am. I'm Watcher Xander Harris."

"I've heard of you. Do we have an upcoming battle?"

"Not exactly." She frowned back. "Have you ever wandered onto the side places of the internet?" She slowly shook her head. "Heard of fanfiction?"

"No. We leave such pursuits to our princess."

"She's probably heard of fanfiction. I'm wondering if she's ever looked up her own name or her brother's? Or your general's name?"

"Why would she?"

"Well...." He pulled out his phone to show her the comment by the senator. "That came directly from a few fanfictions. Apparently they think your king is cuddly after battles."

She blinked a few times. "Why would they do that?"

"I don't write fanfiction. Willow Rosenburg used to way back in high school. But that guy has made some comments that shows he thinks your king is happy with our mutual post battle stress relief and his sister is happy with one of your warriors. Which ...I'm really confused about. I think he's pretty and chill and really great in a battle but I'd need someone a bit softer who wanted to support me in my battles, not one that we had to fight together."

He grimaced. "I thought I'd warn one of you before it got into a wider audience than that one crackhead, demon debt owing senator's press statements. Because I don't want to wake up to see your general scowling and about to stab me because someone thinks we'd be hot together. Or him, because I'm pretty sure he can sneak in just as well as she can because she taught him to."

She tried not to smile. "She's more subtle than that."

"I'm sure she is. But sometimes you gotta stop the bad ideas yourself." He shrugged but grinned. "They think your princess is a lesbian. She might want to date."

"She probably would laugh at that idea. Thank you for the warning, Watcher Harris. Is that our battle?"

"No, next week you have a small community-based brawl going on for dominance. It might spill just over the border but if we interrupt they'll take out whoever and then have to go back to it because it's a pack hierarchy thing."

"I can warn the warriors near them on the northern border?" He nodded, putting his hands and phone in his pocket. "And about that amusing bit of stories."

"Five authors that I've seen major works by, a few have one now and then, and one's over the length of the Hobbit. It's...I skimmed and had to go watch porn to calm down." She blushed. He nodded with a grin. "Yeah. Thought he should hear it from one of you instead of the news. You have a better week, ma'am." He walked off. He needed to find a good bit of breakfast before he had to deal with other people again.

She went inside to tell her boss that, who burst out laughing. She did promise to pass it on, including the video of the meeting.

***

In Wakanda later that same day, Sam Wilson looked at his phone then at Natasha. "Why are we warning them?"

"Would you like to hear that about yourself from a news person?"

"No. Do they?"

She looked at him. "I would not go looking. It can get disturbing. I found one of myself and Nick Fury where we were *cuddling* after a battle. Apparently they thought he'd like giving oral sex."

"Eww."

"Quite." She looked at the ones there to meet them. "General Okoye." They shook hands. The general shook Sam's too. She held up the locked case. "From Tony Stark to your princess."

"That's fine. She's bored."

Sam nudged her and handed her that folder of information he carried. "From Maria Hill."

She glanced through it then paused and read it more thoroughly. "What?" she demanded.

Natasha sighed and pulled up the site mentioned, then did a name search. "They spell your name wrong about half the time." She let her see it. "Some senator noted he thought it was the correct fantasy in a press statement about Watcher Harris."

She read the summaries, frowning at it. "It's not what I want out of life. I heard he warned someone about this topic but I hadn't heard details yet." She tapped on another's name. "Oh. She's going to be mad. And the king as well I believe," she said after tapping on his name to see the common pairings. "Oh, dear," she said, starting to laugh. "Um...."

"The senator who outed those fantasies in the press is one who wants to force Harris to head SHIELD," Sam told her. "So we're warning as well as bringing things to make your princess squeal."

She handed Natasha her phone back. "She'll be amused for weeks now." She led them into the throne room. "I found out why the watcher warned us about more than the pack fight soon," she said, saluting the king. He stared at her. Natasha pulled out her phone. She waved a hand and got one of the local devices to pull it up on so it could be more widely seen. T'Challa stared at what was under his name. "Apparently it's fantasies of alternate timelines and events."

"It'd have to be. I don't like men that way," he said patiently.

"One of the senators trying for Harris outed that site in the press," Natasha said. Shuri walked in. "Did you hear that they write fanfiction about you?"

Shuri paused to stare at her then at the screen. "My brother wouldn't sleep with a white boy." She took it to tap on her name then stared. "That will not happen."

"It's fantasies," the general told her.

"I'm aware of what fanfiction is. I don't know why they included me."

"You are a noted figure," Natasha said. "I don't know why they decided you were a lesbian and your brother a gay king."

Shuri looked at her. "Me either." Natasha smiled. "How did we get onto this topic?"

"One of the senators trying to force Harris to head SHIELD outed that he liked and believed it could be real in the press. Said it'd make Harris an even stronger leader for his diplomatic ties through his bedroom."

Shuri squeezed her eyes shut then just nodded and took the case from Natasha to walk off hugging it. You could just hear the giggling starting as she left the room.

"At least she's happy," T'Challa said. "Does Harris subscribe to that?"

"No," Sam said.

Natasha shook her head. "He said he didn't think you'd be cuddly."

A guard cleared her throat. "By what he said to the warrior he talked to at the embassy, he said he needed a lover to support his battles, not someone to fight beside and he'd end up being the supporter."

T'Challa looked at her then at Natasha. "That is what a consort is for. He could use one. It might calm him down."

"He could use more support of all means," she said. "Including from his own people who hate that he stepped in as a teenager. They had a price on his head until last month and were playing petty games to try to make him quit. Instead he got creative and went to his lovers."

"We heard," he admitted. "We all hoped they'd calm him down then another battle happened."

Natasha smiled and held up a USB drive. "The reports they made him finally admit to not sending in. Including two different battles he fought naked with a sword."

T'Challa blinked. "That's not one I'd want to fight."

"Me either," Sam agreed with a slight nod. "The boy should have his own comic book." T'Challa burst out laughing but nodded.

"We've suggested it to the ones who did the comics about SHIELD," Natasha told him. "Harris used to read the ones dedicated to Hawkeye."

"That kinda explains why some people think they're related," Sam decided.

T'Challa smiled at them. "You bring such happiness to our lives. Thank you." Natasha smiled back. "You should rest before dinner." He showed them to a suite then went to his office to look more of that up. He could hear Okoye complaining in her office about that same topic and how they decided she was bedding her own troops. He had no idea why they had put him together with Harris. Though it was interesting a few thought he had bedded Eric Killmonger too. Thinking about it, he and Harris might have gotten along well. If only he wasn't dead.

***

Xander walked in front of the man in the trench coat and sunglasses. "How can you wear a leather trench coat in equatorial Africa," he complained. "And do I need to come blow the fuck outta your base again, Fury? I mean, you have more hostages than even HYDRA did and one's my mini's mom so that's not going to keep going on if I can help it." Then he looked over the top of his sunglasses. "Really."

He pulled out the shrunken weapon and let it expand so he could fire it over Fury's shoulder at the demon stomping their way. Fury flinched as soon as the weapon was the right size and pointing in his direction but it was clear it wasn't aimed at him. "I know damn well you're harmful because you eat kids. Go the fuck away, Mortimer!"

The demon died with a moan and Xander dropped the weapons tube before walking off shaking his head. "Someone here promised Mortimer their daughter if he could just win his wife back from the poker game he was in. Damn, some men suck."

Nick Fury glared at the kid's back. "Harris!"

Xander shot a grin back at him. "That's my name, baby. Yell it louder. Make me defend the marketplace since we're near people who want to kill me for making them handle their own shit." He strolled off again. Sure enough, someone tried to attack him but a knife to the stomach stopped him. He stared at the guy as he retrieved his knife, wiping it off on the guy's shirt. "Don't do that. I'll let the next demon eat the marketplace."

He walked over him and went to get a new shirt and some lunch. He was hungry for some reason today. The man on the ground got picked up by the local officers. One came at Xander, who shrugged. "He wanted the price on my head for making their little group of morons fight the demons that were going to kill normal people instead of terrorists. Not my thing. I'd never let them eat a school." He paid for his fruit and walked off. "Maybe he'll be rehabilitated somehow."

"The demon you attacked?"

Xander grimaced. "Some guy offered Mortimer, who eats flesh of people, his daughter if only he could win that poker hand to get his wife back," Xander said sarcastically. "I'm hoping she hears and beats his ass for it and then leaves him with her kids." He grinned slightly. "Mortimer was never peaceful and likes to snack on bad guys but I couldn't let him have a kid. I didn't intervene when he was eating people who were capturing slaves last month, because hey they need to be stopped anyway, but I won't let him hurt normals or kids."

The officer nodded once. "That's reasonable. The ones he had been eating before?"

"I talked to General Kawami. He was most pleased to have that group found and broken. It let them end the rest of them easier." He smiled. "The general gave me a candy bar for it too."

The officer stepped back but smiled and nodded. "I can see how that's a nice reward for you."

"Oh, sorry, I'm Watcher Harris. Watcher over the slayers down here." He held out a hand.

"Ah! We know of you." He shook his hand. "Thank you for protecting the marketplace. Is there a further problem coming?"

"Not fully. I'm mostly here to get Mortimer, get lunch, get a few new t-shirts.... Then later go raid somewhere to my mini's mom back from SHIELD." He grimaced. "I need to start a cult of people like me who want to blow up bad guys. I think that's my evil goal for the year." The officer walked off laughing but Xander was pretty serious. He could find a few others like him. They liked explosives too.

So maybe they'd like to form an anti-bad thing team and blow the fuck out of bad things? He walked off thinking about that while eating a pear. The t-shirts were found easily enough and the guy leaning next to the little booth store glared at him. "What?" he asked with a smile. White guy. Short hair. Body builder like muscles. Probably an agent or military. "Problems with me getting a few new t-shirts?"

"Problems with the idea you told the officer," he said quietly. "That would definitely be something SHIELD or HYDRA would have to stop with prejudice, Harris." He straightened up to stare at him. "Also, the strike team thing? Don't tempt Fury. He's like that. And your mini's mom is at the train station. That way you don't have to deal with the weak idiots at the local SHIELD base." He walked off.

"Thanks, dude. I'll make sure she gets home. And I knew that about Fury. He's just like that. He complained when I handled a battle he just stood there and stared at." He got a few packs of t-shirts and paid then went to the train station to gather that mom, and the few others they had. "Ladies." They stared at him and one sobbed, coming to hug him. "She's with Anise at the Peace Corps lady's house. She called last night all worried about you."

He patted her until she calmed down. "C'mon, let's get you home. Are these ladies with you?" She nodded, pointing at them. "Okay, they can ride in the back of the truck. The new one's not nearly as packed as the old one was." He led them back to the truck so they could go home. It was only a two hour drive.

And there was a lot of crying when they made it back to their small town. The mini slayer came running to hug her mother and cried on her. Her mother cried back. The other ladies cried when they found their families. Thankfully Xander had paper towels to offer them so they could wipe their faces off. And some fruit for his mini to nibble on. She hadn't eaten well last night due to worry. She snuggled in to share it with her mom and it was pretty good again. Xander got to go back to his evil idea plotting while they all got happy.

***

Phil Coulson put down the weapon and nodded at the slayers staring at him. "We at SHIELD have to step in this time, ladies. He was in the military before he broke out today to go beat his ex-girlfriend for cheating on him and making him claim the child that wasn't his. The military requested we handle it instead of you."

The slayer walked over to him. "You helped Xander with a battle in Africa."

"Two actually. One real battle and one was a goddess needing saved." He smiled slightly and held out a hand. "Director Coulson of SHIELD."

She shook it with a grin. "Slayer Mary." She stepped back. "You sure you want to claim this one?" She glanced at the reporters running over. "Aren't you supposed to be covert?"

"Probably," he agreed. "But it'll help your hunter," he said more quietly then smiled and walked off. "Let me know if you need more help today, Slayer Mary. I'll have the military come get him to put him in for burial."

"His people self cremate," she called after him.

He paused to look at her. "Interesting. I'll let them know. Can you let their clan know?" She nodded. "Thank you. Have a better day." He got into the car and drove off.

Slayer Mary looked at the press and shrugged. "We thought they were covert." She walked off calling the local overlord so he knew who to tell about that one dying. He agreed it was a good thing and they'd come get the ashes when he self flamed.

"Who was that?" one of the reporters yelled after her.

"He said he's the director of SHIELD," she called back. "The actual one, not the one they're trying to force it onto."

"He died!"

"Apparently not," Mary quipped with a grin and a wave. "Go find him and ask him. Or the lady that now works with the Avengers. She used to be in SHIELD according to Buffy." She trotted off. She was cute enough to be a pinup but she didn't want that sort of attention.

The reporters hurried, trying to find that car so they could follow it. Someone had to answer questions. Though the ones that had other stations in the north east called them to go talk to the lady with the avengers. There were only three or four so they could find them all if they had to.

***

Natasha came up from the security floor. "Hill, there's reporters looking for you," she called into her office. "Slayer Mary just noted you were a woman helping the team. They demanded to know if I was the right lady. I told them no and you were."

"Gee thanks," she called back. She went to talk to the reporters. Even if Nick Fury would complain. They had expected that outing for the last week so she was ready. She made sure her hair was neat and she looked good in the mirror on the elevator on the way down. She walked outside to the press people gathering around. "People, you are not supposed to gather like this on Stark Industries or Avengers team properties," she noted calmly but firmly. "Please desist and move along."

"We need to speak to the lady about SHIELD," one of them said, moving his camera into better view.

Maria smiled. "Well, I was the executive officer of SHIELD before it fell to HYDRA." That got her picture taken. "What's happened now?"

"A middle aged man claimed to be the director when he handled something for Slayer Mary," another one said, trying to move closer.

"First, don't press in on me. I'll have the security teams detain you," she noted, crossing her arms over her chest. "Second, yes, that's Director Coulson. He's been in charge since the fall to HYDRA to rebuild it. Nick Fury named him. The president didn't countermand it."

"What about that guy that works with the slayers?"

"He's said repeatedly that he didn't want to lead SHIELD and that he's not qualified to do any intelligence agency work. He's never trained as an agent or done agent style work before. His methodology is more to handle a huge problem and then move on, not gather information and handle large networks of terrorists. Though there's a few who'd like him to go away for what he has had to handle, those of us who were SHIELD are quite pleased we're not the only ones doing the work anymore."

"Does the president know that SHIELD still exists and doesn't need to be rebuilt or that it has a director?" one of the reporters in the back called.

"He knows Coulson was supposedly dead and they went fully underground to deal with HYDRA. Director Coulson's talked to him a few times, people. The president also told his advisors who were asking him why he wanted someone untrained to head an agency as tactical as SHIELD is."

One of the reporters pushed her way forward. "Agent Hill, is Nick Fury actually dead? He was supposedly caught on camera the other day talking to that same hunter in Africa."

She cleared her throat. "Nick Fury has not been in contact with me for months, people. I have no idea if he's still alive or not. Did he survive the initial attack on SHIELD by HYDRA? Yes. Then he went fully underground to wage war on HYDRA. He may still be doing that. I only talk to Director Coulson and his people. So I really can't tell you. I'm not paying attention to what Watcher Harris has to handle unless it's a full battle and I need to advise the team to go help them."

That got a few nods. She looked at that reporter, who had been SHIELD in PR once upon a time. "If he's alive, he owes me a birthday present," she said with a slight smirk. "If he's not alive, then I guess I won't get my traditional card he'll mock for being mushy."

"I remember him doing that," she said quietly. "Hill..."

Maria held up a hand. "I'm not going to comment on ongoing SHIELD activities. It's not my job or place to do that." She looked at that reporter again. "Director Coulson has some of his most trusted people with him handling SHIELD behind the scenes. And Lola." She walked off happier.

The reporter smiled at the subtle message. "Hey, Hill, what about the fanfiction stuff that senator mentioned?"

"I'm told someone clued in the people he was talking about that it existed so they could throw their own fits." She smirked back at her. "I know I'm not in any since only the lower SHIELD agents used to put me into stories so they could kill me off horribly." She went back inside.

The reporter laughed. "I'm sure they did." A few of the others stared at her. "I was in PR for SHIELD for a year about a decade ago." They nodded at that.

"Who's Lola?"

"That's an urban legend around there," she said, walking off smiling. "But it's not a person."

The reporters called in their reports so people could shout about SHIELD still being around but now not being rotted with HYDRA. Someone asked the press secretary but she claimed to have no idea about any of that and no one had briefed her. Then she canceled the rest of the press conference and went to hide in her office. The president was already shouting at someone about all that. She wanted far out of the way.

***

Phil Coulson was handed a tablet by Dr. Fitz as he walked past him. He read the new fanfic that was pulled up. "Someone has me sleeping with Lola. That'd be weird." He handed it back but smiled. "If they find out it's a car, they're going to be embarrassed." He walked off smiling and shaking his head.

The others who tracked the online community got to be amused a lot by the new waterfall of Coulson fics. They were amusing him too.

***

Nick Fury watched the press statement while shaking his head but smiling. Maria Hill was still sassy. He had forgotten her usual birthday card too. He'd send it in the morning. He leaned back, watching them speculate about him. And who Lola was.

One of the lower agents came in. "Sir, the local military liaison has announced you're down here."

"We can move the base," he assured him calmly.

"Sir, the other one got blown up by that watcher guy because they had been attacking the local demon community. HYDRA had taken it over."

Fury shook his head with a sigh. "I'll figure it out tonight. Give the order to prep for a move." He nodded, going to do that. The other agents were still too green and too apt to need orders to do things. But he'd deal since all the good agents were with Coulson handling the other problems in the world. Fury hopped up when he heard the rumble of an explosion. "What was that! Tell me it wasn't that fucking weird watcher!"

"No, sir," one of his people said. "He's down south. The explosion was in the lab."

Fury stomped that way, shaking his head most of the way. "Do we need sense, people?" he yelled into the smoking lab area.

"Yes, sir," someone called. "They're stupid!" Then a female voice shrieked and hit him. "Hey! Dumbass!" He got shot the next time.

"Stop it, before I give you to Harris to train," Fury ordered. "Clear the room! Clean up the mess! We're moving tomorrow!" They groaned but did that. The medical team got the agent who had been attacked for being an idiot. And one case of smoke inhalation. Fury went to find a new base to hide in. The only one he might be able to use was built out of some caves that may or may not be full of idiots that he'd have to take out. Great!

He needed Hill back. Today! Before these ones drove him nuts.

Hell, Harris might be better than these ones!

***

Faith looked at the reporter trying to follow her and one of the minis on a training patrol. She turned to look at them. "We're on patrol and you are not supposed to be following us. Or taking the mini's picture. So stop it."

"What about the rumors that people want you to run for public office?"

"Why would I do that? Slayers don't do that shit! We have to protect all of you, even the ones we'd hate to see living for another day. I can't do that if I'm stuck in a suit in congress!" She glared. "For that matter, I'm about to leave the US for good if you guys don't quit. You're making it impossible for me to do my duty and to help the minis do theirs. That's more important.

"Even if I'd kick ass and protect people in the job, it's not one I want. Or need. Frankly, I hope they replace *everyone* in Congress and the White House this time." She glared. "Now, quit taking pictures of the mini and scram!" She pointed. The reporter hurried off. She looked at younger girl. "Don't let them try that on you."

"Nope. I wouldn't mind being a movie star but I don't want that sort of attention." They walked on, the girl babbling about her favorite boy band's newest album. Faith put up with it because it made the mini happy and happiness was too valuable to waste. Even if it meant she had to hear about too pretty boys in K-pop groups. It wasn't like it was in the classic days of boy bands.

***

Xander called Waller from where he was doing research/hiding from a crying teenage mini slayer who had a bad date. "It's me. Did you know there's a temple to a chaos god in DC?"

"I believe they set that up so it'd absorb all the chaos, not create more."

"It's broken," Xander said. "And I've run into three different mentions of places demons congregate to meet potential victims. Only one looks like a club to get feeding done in, and according to the internet it's open a few days a month. And then there's the brilliant demonic mafia situation there."

"DC doesn't presently have a slayer, Xander," Waller said patiently. "You know that. They demanded that we not have to cover their city."

"Yes but some day soon they'll try forcing me again. Should I fix some of that for them to prove I'm not their sort?"

Waller considered it. "That would make them pouty about you I suppose. Oh, Faith said to beat you most severely for that semi-wish."

"I hoped it'd save us both. People wanted her in congress before then, Waller. They know Buffy's an airhead and they couldn't count on her in that sort of job but Faith's steady, a role model, and damn good at her job. That push to have her elected started about two months after the LA invasion."

"I hadn't heard that."

"She got some write in votes last time. Now things are a bit more desperate. She's the plan that they'd pull out of their butts to save everyone. Which was why I did that actually."

"That's...I'll let Rupert know. As for the ones in DC. Can you rebuild that temple yourself?"

"I can fix it. It's just a few things that're broken. I basically have to walk in and take them off the altar as far as I can tell. Maybe paint a line."

"It's said you are beloved of chaos gods," Waller said sarcastically. "I'd never suggest anyone take on any demonic mafia group, even you."

"I can talk to them."

"True, and they may like that approach. It's not a *bad* plan but that'd mean you'd have to sneak away from agents."

"I can do that. I've done it twice in the last day and a half. Oh, Maisy is pouty. Her internet date turned out to be a middle aged man who wanted them young and pure. I'm mostly hiding from her by researching the problems in DC in Goddess Aba's library."

"Can you look up that amulet and the other two things we've all been trying to find?"

"I already sent an email to Phipps."

"I'll let him know. The amulet?"

"I wouldn't touch that thing with anyone else's pole, even if I loathed them. Not even the biggest nazi bastard's pole." The librarian glared at him. "Sorry, Priestess. He wanted to know about the amulet that someone tried to give Buffy. It's cursed, Waller."

"I...fine. Any other news?"

"Sara's moved into the temple to train as a lower priestess for the Goddess of Maranka. They've finally decided she can stay since she kept getting summoned to their smaller meditation garden. The priestess made her tell her own mother too. Thankfully."

Waller huffed. "How..."

"She only lived about six miles from the city."

"We don't appreciate cellphones either," the librarian said.

"Sorry, ma'am. Sorry, Waller. Get the emails." He hung up. "Sorry." He ducked his head to get back to his research. There had to be some way to save him from the soul sucking jobs in DC they wanted him to have. The librarian huffed but he made sure his research area was tidy and he was being more polite. When Aba walked in and kissed him on the head he grinned up at her. "I'll tell your sister you said hi?"

"Please. Is she better?"

"She's still not happy she lost her high priest to the idiots in HYDRA but she's not injured. Just a bit heart sore."

"That's good. Tell her I said to call. She can use a phone as humans do."

"I'll do that. I'm going down there tomorrow if the agents don't trap me to take me to DC. If so, I'll call Dworf at the local kitten poker bar to tell her." She patted him on the head then strolled off. He grinned at the books. Aba was always a sweet fertility and nature goddess. One of her priestesses had caught him telling one of the slayers about the facts of life and stepped in to spare him that speech. The librarian was still huffy but he reshelved things properly and made sure he hadn't left any signs he had been there. Then he went to get two books from the truck to hand her. "So someone has one down here if it's needed," he said quietly, holding them out. "Our field manual and our problem manual."

She took them to look over. "They're handy for the girls but we know most of this."

"The lower priestesses don't. And her brother is rumored to be coming this way. Plus, this way there's one safely stored in case it's needed by the locals."

"Point. I will shelve these, Hunter."

He grinned. "I'm Xander, ma'am."

"Oh!" Her eyes went wide. "Oh, dear." She smiled. "How is the Goddess D'Isor?"

"Doing okay. She's a bit heart sore since she lost her high priest, the one who'd been with her for centuries, due to idiot humans. HYDRA was attacking some of the local town and someone ran to her temple to hide so they tried to take it out too. I spent part of last week helping her rebuild it."

"We'll send her flowers. You really are an odd human."

Xander grinned. "I try but I think most people would step in if they saw something bad going on. Just not guys like HYDRA. And there's a group of them nearby," he said with a point in their direction. "So be careful? The world needs more librarians and those who hold knowledge. Giles taught us all how badass librarians can be."

She giggled but nodded. "We can be to protect our knowledge and power." She patted him on the hand. "Go be safe and feed your mini slayer chocolate."

"She's allergic or I would've already gotten her pudding. I don't know how to handle girls that can't eat chocolate." He grinned. "Thank you and have a good day, ma'am." He went back out to his truck and drove off.

The Goddess Aba walked in to look at the books. "He is most unusual but I can see why my sister likes him." She smiled. "Maisy's allergic to cow's milk and chocolate. He'll find her something cute to make her quit pouting I'm sure." She sat down to read the problems manual. It did list her temple as being a neutral place and her not being evil, but not putting up with most human problems. Which was true. Whoever had gotten hers right at least. Her siblings' profiles were mostly right too. "My brother's dating?" she demanded to the book.

"By the rumors, he's dating his priestess and tutor."

"Mother must be appalled." They shared a smile. It explained why her brother was being sent to her to study for a few months. Her mother was not subtle, though she was a Goddess of Mountains so subtle wasn't really her area of governance.

***

Xander looked up as a group burst into his motel room. "Guys, I need to fix this and give it to my mini so she's protected from the humans." One tried to grab him so he stabbed him with the hot soldering iron. The guy screamed and flinched away from him. "I said I have to fix this for my baby slayer. You can wait twenty minutes and I have to pack anyway." They glared but he did finish it and then got up to pack. On the way out he detoured to the mini's house to hand it over. "Here you go." He smiled.

"I'll be back in a few weeks. Watch the truck for me." He handed over the keys with a wink and a grin. "No letting your brother play in it." She nodded, hugging her toy. "Good girl. Give me a few weeks. The people in DC sent a strike team." She huffed. "I know." She nodded so he left, letting them pull him off.

They hadn't let him grab his battle axe but he summoned it and used the shrinking spell on it to hide it in his bag. And his daggers. He might need those. He stared at the head of the strike team. "They decided to send SHIELD after me? Are you supposed to take me out on the way there so I don't send you all to therapy?"

"No. No orders to terminate you have come down. The president ordered us to grab you so you can answer to him."

"I don't answer to that man. He's not in my chain of command. Slayers are multi-national." He grinned. "I can buy property somewhere and start citizenship giving up paperwork if he wants."

"I doubt he does," the lead agent complained. "We don't want you in charge of SHIELD either, Harris."

"Good. Then I'm going to show my ass a bit in DC." They stared at him. He grinned back. "Did you know that sometime in the early 1920's there was a temple to chaos gods built in DC to soak up the natural chaos flowing out?"

"Is it broken or is it growing again?" one of the agents asked.

"Broken and blocked."

"Please fix that," that agent complained.

"Yup, I sure can." They got him onto a flight and brought him back to his homeland. He rested that night then broke away from them before breakfast. He'd have a full day. He summoned a demonic cab company car and let them show him where things were. Xander snuck into the temple and sighed. He had stopped to get a paintbrush and some cheap paint. He fixed the two marks on the floor, making the temple seem to groan. Then he grabbed two things off the altar. That made it sound like a happier sigh. Xander looked up.

"You didn't have to prompt him to bring me here. I would've asked Ancy to come move them for you." He looked around and kicked something over to break it. The temple lit up and started to draw in power again. "There you go. Let us know if you need that sort of help. I helped D'Isor rebuild and Morth. I can help you rebuild too." He carried the stuff off the altar to the head overlord's house. He was demonic mafia and everyone knew that. He knocked politely, then smiled at the guard. "Just gotta hand these to him and announce I'm being forced to be local for a few hours if I can."

"Who're you, Human?"

"Watcher Xander Harris. The one in the big house sent a strike team to pull me here so I'm solving a problem or three. Next I'm going to talk to that street gang." He beamed at him.

"They won't talk to humans."

"They will because I can suck the possessions out of their bikes by accident." The guard shuddered but went to tell his boss, who came to the door. "Overlord. He sent a strike team to pull me so I'm doing my best to right a few problems." He held out the things from the altar. "It was blocked from sucking up the chaos floating around."

"I felt that reactivate." He took the two things. "Oh!" He stared at one. "It's an angelic artifact."

"One from each side," Xander agreed. "One trapped being in each." He grinned again. "I fixed the temple but it could use some plaster and painting work to redo it fully. I figured it'd help slow down the problems we're having with the current issues."

"I...yes it probably does, Watcher Harris."

"Overlord, I'm still the same asshole who backed up Buffy," he said quietly then grinned. "You have a good day and I'm going to talk to that biker gang next. And then I'm going to see if I can talk to Amara's people. D'Isor said to give her greetings to them and I know they're nocturnal."

"Yes, they are." He stared at him. "You're proving they don't want you?" He grinned and nodded. "You fixing problems...."

"Will be appreciated by the right sort but not the sort that have debts. Which I'm told the one on high doesn't, but a lot of his people seem to."

"They do," he agreed. "It's amusing."

"Not to the humans. They've been wanting Faith to run for Congress since right after the LA invasion." The overlord moaned. Xander grinned and nodded. "They're getting a lot more pushy too."

"Oh, dear. That poor slayer. Which means we'd have one here....oh!" He stared at Xander, who was just grinning. "Thank you for sharing that, Harris."

"Welcome," he chirped. "Let me get back to my fixing problems to spare myself having to move all my minis over here. With their families. And possibly D'Isor herself because I'd miss her temple's cooking and fussy healers." He bowed and skipped off.

The overlord closed the door and went to call that gang to warn them, and then others to warn them that Harris was doing good work but making chaos gods happy again.

***

Phil Coulson and Maria Hill were kicked back on a couch in Avengers tower watching Harris move through DC to do his own version of good deeds on the city's security systems. It wasn't always a great video quality but they saw enough of it that it was amusing. And how Rumlow had lost the kid almost on purpose to see what he'd do. The others of that team were complaining and trying to find Harris but hadn't managed it yet. They didn't even seem to realize that there was a demonic cab company that Harris was using to find his way around. Hill had a bowl of popcorn and was highly amused. Coulson had a beer. This was the best show they'd seen in a long time. Since Hawkeye had went to solve problems with the Russian mob.

"I can't believe he's petting the possessed bikes," she said, taking his beer to get a drink then handing it back. He took some of the popcorn for that.

"They seem like they're nice bikes. It's leaning into his hand. I'm wondering if they're possessed like the vengeance bikes are."

"Could be," she admitted. "I know almost nothing about Reyes."

He nodded. "I've talked to him a few times." He stole another bite of popcorn to watch Xander go to another temple and say something, getting a face slap then hugged. "Apparently they know him."

She grinned. "That's a girlish move of 'you didn't call' or something like that." He nodded he'd seen it before. The temple nicely fed him tea and let him flirt with the goddess until the strike team broke in to grab him. The agents were very huffy until the Goddess waved her hand and then most of them fell down to masturbate. "Huh." Xander said something before kissing her on the cheek and letting them steal him. The agents got dumped outside and picked up by someone else. "Huh. That's your girl, Phil."

"It is." He called her. "Melinda, why are you picking up agents who were there to steal Harris from Africa? Those agents just got punished by being rude to a goddess." He listened to her while on the camera she was looking around. "Yes I am watching on cctv. We're seeing what Harris would do today." She groaned.

"Get them back to the infirmary, Melinda. They interrupted so she waved a hand and made them want their hands. Separate them if you can." He hung up and sighed, stealing more popcorn. Maria got another sip of his beer when he offered it in payment. "The president told her to clean up any mess Harris made today."

"We warned the FBI about that double agent at that embassy that was going to go after him if he heard he was local. They decided to ignore it until the idiot tried and got gassed for it. What's DC going to do if he does have to move there?"

"Hopefully calm down but I won't bet on it." She nodded she agreed. "How's Nick?"

"I got my birthday card this morning." He grinned and laughed a bit. "He's having to move bases again. Someone in his geek core blew up a lab."

"Sounds about usual." She nodded. She had dealt with a lot of them around Stark Industries. They watched Harris be drug into the white house and an attack happened. Hill called that in to local agents. They had better cameras available there. The president was screaming that Harris hadn't moved to protect him when they found he was in there.

"Yeah, I was protecting the people that didn't have Secret Service guards to protect them. You know, innocent beings." He looked at one of the guards, who was wincing. "So, since that was only the minor price on my head...." He looked at the president again. "Beyond that, I'm not into saving people who should learn to save themselves. I save humanity as a whole but I'm not going to individually save someone whose whole family has made demonic deals. And the ones who have the human debts wouldn't appreciate it if I did. It'd mean longer before they take them."

He smirked a tiny bit. "Also, I told you repeatedly I don't want any part of your corrupt, unknowing group. I may not be a college graduate but I learned plenty that I need to know. Hell, I could call in one of my debts and take your job if I wanted to be in politics. You notice I'm not?" The guards were wincing. "Also, having me dragged here probably cost at least six people their lives as I wasn't where I had to be and couldn't stop a raid. I'll have to go avenge them later this week."

"You're staying!"

"No I'm not and I can easily go buy some property and switch my citizenship. Or go ask for asylum." He gave him a smug look. "Not like I wanted to come back here. The US holds very little for me. Also, SHIELD has a head. He's a decent guy who does the right thing when he's pointed at a problem. I'm not taking him out of his seat. Or any other intelligence agency position because I'm not qualified. I know you do that a lot but it's not me." He looked at the guards again. "If you'll excuse me, I need to buy my mini I was working with a treat because I had to cut short our training times."

One of the guards winced. "We're not sure the ones who raided didn't get her, Harris."

"Then they're going to die. Horribly." He pulled out his phone to text someone. "No, they tried to grab her but her watching toy got it for her. She's been in the basement. But the nice demon will still go avenge her toy. And the other seven apparently. It got one of her family's goats." He sent back a thank you and put his phone up. Then he looked at the head idiot in charge.

"Sorry but things have to come first in my life. My minis are just like that. You have a better day." He turned and walked off. He got outside before the agents who had hauled him out of Africa got to him. And about then an ex-girlfriend showed up. "Mercy!" He gave her a hug and a kiss. "I'm escaping the bad ideas to go back to around the girls. Why are you in town?"

"I'm here to cause a bit of hell." She sniffed him. "Hmm. You smell nice."

"The motel had nice soap." He grinned. "I fixed the temple that wasn't sucking up the chaos energy so it's probably safe to cause a bit of hell."

"I think she's doing that just by showing up," Rumlow complained. "Ma'am, we have a capture or kill on sight order for you."

Xander grinned at him. "I wouldn't try."

"You being gone would suit a lot of people," he warned.

Xander grinned. "Sure, then you solve the one that wants to flirt with me." He pointed at the demon that was fading into view. "Dear, they kidnaped me."

"I heard. It's so wrong." She hugged Xander and Miss Mercy. "So cute! You should come with me to perform for my people. Then we can put you both back in Africa."

"I don't do porn for anyone," Xander quipped but he was blushing. "It takes all the fun out of it."

"Hmmm." She cuddled him. "Pity. Did you think I came to flirt?"

"Probably. I fixed the chaos temple." She moaned and gave him a squeeze. "It was necessary. I even got to pet a possessed bike. It was very sweet to purr at me."

Mercy shook her head. "Xander, quit. Please? You're creeping me out."

"Sorry, Mercy." He kissed her again and grinned. "It's been hours since I ate more than tea cookies." She shivered. "Or had some fun. Africa needs more amusement parks with roller coasters." She kissed him to shut him up. Her team and Xander got removed back to Africa, and his bag got summoned by the witch they landed near. "Thanks." He kissed the demon, who fell down to have a happy moment. "Hmm. Mercy, are you wearing poisoned lipstick?"

"Of course. I always do."

"Huh. Probably an aphrodisiac to her people then. If I was closer I could get something from Anya's memory box but it's in the truck." The demon summoned it and he got her something from the back, letting her have relations with her hand. He looked at Mercy. "Feed me, beauteous one?"

"Hmm. If only so you're less goofy."

"I have to be goofy soon by going to avenge a raid on my mini's town." He smirked a tiny bit. "Her watching toy worked perfectly."

"Oh, my," she moaned. She jumped Xander and it was good like usual. The witch scurried back home but Mercy was one happy bad girl. The demon got to watch and she was happier too. So it was a happy night all around. Then Xander could get back there to handle the group near his mini. Mercy did give him some great, nasty ideas.

***

Hill and Coulson turned off the cameras they had found to switch to. Both of them were blushing. But it was good Harris wasn't stressed any more. Hill looked at him. "The threats conference. Is he going?"

"I don't think so."

"Make sure he does go for part of it. Make sure Nick makes sure there's no Skrull too please." He nodded. "Maybe he'll stop anyone out to stop it by getting more happy." She got up. "Let me...go shower. That was nasty." She went to her rooms to shower, change, and giggle over the chaos that Harris had brought in just a day in DC.

Coulson went to make notes and talk to Melinda. She was not going to be amused. He could ignore the president's calling by not being in the office too. So win-win.

***

Back in Washington, DC, demons all over the city were having a long talk as they gathered in a park to protest how the humans were being idiots. Some humans joined in with them, they were usually found protesting the idiocy going on somewhere in the city. More demons, some more harmful, showed up and whispered about the 'Knight fixing things'. The stories got spread, and a bit embellished.

By the time the agents and police showed up to stop the protest starting it was getting too large for them to effectively do more than be scared of. Then the biker gang got there and their second-in-command stood up to tell the group what Harris had told him about some of the Old Ones hiding in Africa and how even they had to defend against agents attacking peaceful communities. How the Knight had helped rebuild a few, with the mini slayers helping.

One of the demons that appeared nodded and told about how the tiny one was offering hugs to anyone who needed one and then went to help cook that night. She had worn herself out helping them but it was sweet of the tiny one. The other demons nodded they appreciated that sort of thing. The agents were calling in about what was going on to get backup and to let the higher ups know that some guy named Knight had been in town. The demons were still going to protest, and the Knight had reminded them to make sure it was a peaceful action.

It'd look good on the community and bad on the ones who tried to attack. The biker gang protected the others when agents did rush in to attack the demons, they were happy to do that. The news crews caught that happening, and had heard most of the talks going on. The news was chanting praise on the demons for remaining peaceful to protest being treated like lesser slave beings.

One of the slayers called in about it being an immigration issue as well. Most of the ones protesting in DC had fled from a stupid warlord wannabe who had taken out a good few planes to do that via genocide by chemical weapons. She shared what they had heard about those wars and the warlords. And how Buffy had taken him out when he had shown up in LA a few years ago.

The press were happy with that too. It made a lot of sense to them and the demons were happy to add in support for their brethren by staging other protests in other major demon enclave cities. The president was having a fit about the protests in the press but the demons made sure it stayed peaceful.

It really didn't look good on the agents, or the president.

***

Hill and Coulson got a head's up from FRIDAY, the Stark AI, so they turned back on the news to watch how the protests played out. The first mention of the Knight made Coulson wince. It did show that they wanted to stay peaceful, and the Knight had encouraged it, plus how strong the real community was.

Hill tipped her head to the side. "That's the Overlord in DC," she said with a point. "Right upper quadrant."

Coulson looked then sighed. "I've had him identified in the past as being with the demonic mafia."

"Huh." She nodded, going to make some more popcorn. And get Phil another beer. It wasn't every day that a peaceful, world changing protest got started spontaneously. She winced when she heard the soundbite of the President screaming about whoever that Knight was, to arrest him and throw him under the jail.

Phil called a contact in the Secret Service. "It's Coulson. Yes, I'm still alive. The president's calling for the arrest and torture of Xander Harris. Yes, that watcher guy he wanted to take my job," he said dryly, taking his beer with a grin for Maria. "He's called the White Knight in the demon underground I'm told. He was also forcefully escorted to DC earlier and just turned the president down in person."

He opened the beer to take a sip. "We know he talked to the city's overlord, that biker gang, and a few temples. The demons have all said repeatedly that the guy had suggested they stay peaceful. Yes, that's a good thing. No, he's back in Africa and the president demanded her be pulled out of there by strike team yesterday. He got what he wanted without getting a single thing he wanted." He took another sip and stole some popcorn. "Huh, they just started a sister protest in LA but have stated it will be in brotherhood with the one in DC and will stay peaceful."

Maria stole the beer to drink some. "And there's one from Cleveland, with the slayers joining in. Including the two senior girls," he noted. The head of the Secret Service groaned and hung up on him. Phil put his phone away, taking some more popcorn. The peaceful protests were highlighting what the demon communities have done for the US, and how the slayers had helped them do it. The rest of the team showed up to watch it with them.

The press was keeping track of the president having a fit, and the agents joining in to the peaceful protests in solidarity. That only made the president madder. The vice president too. His religion hated demons of all kinds, species, and alignments. Thankfully someone in the press noted the vice president was having a heart attack so the agents could get him to an emergency room. The president went off on that too and a lot of his plots came out when he screamed at the agents guarding him. Ooops.

Stark shook his head but he was smiling slightly. "Someone said that Harris was beloved by a few chaos gods somehow."

Phil Coulson hummed but nodded. "Clearly."

***

Nick Fury accepted the video call, nodding at Coulson as he did some paperwork. "What's wrong?"

"The upcoming threat analysis meeting, we want Harris to show up to talk to people. Including some of his probable lovers who might try to interrupt. You've mentioned two names that we know he's spent time with for whatever reason." Nick glared at him. "They're probably going to be talking about demon problems anyway, Nick."

"Point. Though I hate it. What happened in DC?"

"He used a demon cab company to hit a few locations. He fixed the temple that was sucking up the chaos in DC. He talked to the overlord then a street gang that rides possessed bikes. Which seemed to like him petting them. Then he told off the president and walked out to find a sometimes girlfriend to save him by taking him back down there. The SHIELD agents didn't even realize there was a demonic cab company outside Rumlow. Who let him go to see what he'd do." He smirked slightly. "He also had tea with a Goddess. Then the protests started after he had left the city."

Nick dropped his pen with a sigh, staring at the monitor. "He's a menace, Phil."

"Only if you make him be one. He's proven that a number of times. Use him as a resource, not an irritation you have to go behind to clean up after, Nick."

"I can't...."

"You can, you don't because he's young and cocky and wins battles with a battleaxe. You're seeing and treating him like you originally did Clint. Which is a well used comparison. Apparently Harris used to read Hawkeye's comics and look up to him."

"That explains a lot," Fury complained, leaning back. "I am treating him like Barton." Coulson nodded. "And you're right, they're like siblings."

"I did the DNA test. They're not related."

"That's good!"

"Treat him like an outside contractor that you sometimes lean on. He's good at that and could use all the support he could get. After all, if he gets too injured, the girls have no support."

"That's something no one wants to think about," Fury agreed. "But I'd rather he retired to one place and trained them from that out-of-the-way location. Before he blows up another base."

"Then don't let HYDRA steal your bases," Phil said patiently, staring at him. "Or attack the local communities. He did avenge them very well."

"Boy needs spandex," Fury complained.

"Well, Natasha did talk to those same people you went to about the comic books they used to do. So perhaps they'll do some of his problems." He gave him a pointed look. "Keep it up and I'll see if Pepper wants a boytoy on the side. I can just see Stark and Harris getting together to cheer her up."

Fury shuddered. "Don't even tease that horrible idea," he complained. Coulson just smiled. "Fine! If he's near there I'll ask to see if anyone wants to talk to him about how to protect themselves. Maybe it'll mean he can settle down and not get in the way." He hung up and got back to his paperwork with a huff. He hated the very idea of Harris talking to world leaders but maybe he'd be able to stop jumping into things that he shouldn't be able to win but does.

***

Xander strolled into the throne room of Wakanda, getting glared at for being so casual. "So, I've managed to capture the demon that was pretending to be your mother," he announced, making the king groan. "And killed the two that were pretending to be your sister. Neither of them were very good. One thought she was ten and the other thought she was about as old as your mother."

He grinned slightly. "And they're seriously poisonous so you should check them to make sure neither was exposed?" He smiled at one of the guards. "They had a few who were wearing your uniforms but looked like average people. They're down too. The only reason we spared the queen is because she's got some sort of gem on her that's protecting her from being killed. And it looks like a nano particle device a guy I knew in high school used to think up so I've got to check on Andrew to make sure he didn't make it for them. Or have it stolen."

King T'Challa huffed. "Are you ill, Watcher Harris?"

"Um, yup." He grinned and nodded. "But I'm mostly immune to their poisons. Yay mermaid taint," he finished with a smirk. "But anyway, she's tied up and gagged in the back of the truck if you want her and her protection amulet of however-it-got-made."

"Please," General Okoye said as she came out. "The poison?"

"I'd wear gloves," Xander admitted. "They sweat it out. It's blue and stinky and sticky. It's like biological honey only it's poisonous sweat." She nodded, getting some gloves sent while they went to get the demon. He opened the truck and gassed her again, then looked at the general. "All yours." He got her pulled forward. The gloves were handed over and Shuri walked over to look. "That amulet looks like a nano particle thing Andrew designed in our senior year," he told her. "I have no idea if they stole it or he made it or what."

Shuri waved a hand. "Your breath is horrible."

"Hmm. Yeah, probably a side effect of the poison but I'm still mostly immune." He grinned. "And I'm going to go hide once you guys have her."

"Their lair or whatever?" the general asked.

"Gone. They were in the middle of nowhere doing a rite to call back a demon queen. This one had a prayer written so the demon knew that who she looked like would pledge to her. Which would lead the hell goddess here to claim her newest worshipper and get mad when she wasn't. Probably making her destroy most of a city so they could get the metal stuff you guys hide." Shuri moaned but nodded once. "So anyway, all her clan are gone. She's the only one left and I can't behead her if she's got the amulet on and I can't get it off her."

"We'll figure that out," Shuri promised. Some of the guards with gloves came out to move her to a cell. She looked at the young watcher. "We can see if we can treat that."

"No you can't." He smiled. "Your people still think I'm a science experiment. I had to thump one around last month who tried to sneak in and take blood. Pity about his broken arms."

"We hadn't heard about that," Shuri said, looking at the general, who shrugged. Xander got into his phone to show them his picture and the report. "Oh, he was one of us but we sent him off a few years ago for bad ideas." She handed the phone back.

"And he was paid." Xander grimaced. "He begged that the ones who paid him to come pounce me only wanted a few pints of blood and some skin. I'd be able to live without those. Which is why his arms were broken." Shuri patted him on the covered part of his arm before walking off.

Okoye looked at him. "Is it always like that around you?"

"Sometimes. I think I'm a chaos god's favorite soap opera sometimes."

"I can see why. Go get an antidote, just in case." He sighed but nodded and went to drive his truck off. She could alert other nearby areas so they could make sure he didn't die of it on his way to wherever he was heading this time. She sent an email to that temple down south that had the healers he willingly went to as well, just in case they'd need to fuss at him for it.

Shuri looked at her mother, who came down to see the demon pretending to be her. "She was going to vow you to the demon they were calling."

Her mother just nodded once. "I would not like that."

"Which would lead to the demon destroying part of the city so these demons could break in to get our metals."

Her mother walked off nodding to tell her son. "Find how to stop her, daughter."

"The amulet is being looked at," she agreed. "We have to destroy it or remove it first." One of her people was looking up that species in the identification manuals they had been given by the watcher. Shuri got to get samples of the poison she put out. The amulet was interesting enough that she kept it in a containment vessel for study once they had cut it off the demon's neck. The demon died shortly after that by her mother's hand.

In the lab that night, a demon's paw came through the amulet and grabbed it to pull it through itself. It didn't think the humans deserved his gifts. Shuri woke up to her people freaking out about that but she had plenty of readings on it so she could replicate it. If not, maybe she'd look up what that Andrew person had done in high school.

***

Buffy walked out to the impatiently staring press people on their doorstep in Cleveland, staring back at them. "What?" she demanded. "You know we only just got up after patrol last night. What's happened now? New battle? Huge demon? Xander died saving someone?"

One of the reporters cleared his throat. "Slayer Summers, the president has ordered a round up of all demons to be executed as illegal immigrants we can't keep in custody."

"That's genocide. Are you guys still fawning over him?" she demanded. Most of them shook their heads. "Fine. We'll deal with that." She walked off calling someone. "I just heard. How bad and how can we help?" She listened as she walked back inside, pausing to look over her shoulder. "Guys, the baby slayers all got moved about an hour ago. It's worse than you think." She walked in and shut the door. "Yup, I'm about to." She called someone else.

"It's Buffy." She ran a hand over her hair. "I just talked to myself from an hour from now on Faith's phone." She listened to the horrified moaning. "He not only bombed a lot of you and us, but tried to get most enclaves that way instead of capturing. How do you want us to help you handle it?" She checked the house. It was all but empty. Her and Giles and Phipps in the library packing up some of the books. Buffy used the emergency packing button and nodded at him. "We don't have time for that, Phipps. Go with Giles. Now please."

"You...."

"I just talked to myself from an hour from now." He shuddered but nodded, taking Rupert with him to evacuate. Buffy made sure the house was empty then grabbed her favorite sword, using it to cut her hand. "Fix this shit, please," she muttered. "I use my life debts owed, all of them, to fix this shit!" she shouted. She felt like something ripped from her but suddenly the house wasn't about to be bombed. The minis were safe. All the minis were safe. And Xander was standing behind her. She looked up. "Do we need more?"

"Yeah. I've got two that'll help." He patted her on the head. He walked outside. "D'Hoffryn, I formally summon thee and call in the debts I inherited," he shouted. "The debts you know you owed to Halfrek and Anyanka. I do in their names demand that you fix this shit before they must be called back to retake their duties to solve it themselves." The demon lord appeared glaring at him. He stared back. "Unless you want to watch all the US go up in flames?"

"The only way we could do that would be a coup and it would damage the communities."

"Not totally," Xander said with a smirk. "There's other ways. That's just the most satisfying. But probably take too long." He stared at him. "Do I have to call in my debt from Percator?" he asked quietly. "I can do that instead." D'Hoffryn shuddered and shook his head. "How about we fix it so all the demon communities are safe from that shit? I'm not going to be polite or political but if I have to stomp someone get me there and I'll gladly help."

"That's my job, Xander," Buffy said from the doorway. She still had her sword in her hand. "I can go stomp someone."

"You calling in the debts you used means you're going to be a six month statue," Xander quipped. Then he grinned and waved a hand. He looked at D'Hoffryn. "So, how do we fix this shit the fastest and best way without a coup?"

The demon stared at him. "We ask someone to have taken him seriously."

Xander grinned. "That's so sweet. Can they?"

"Hmm." He looked up. "He doesn't like that idea because it means he's stuck with that thing as an eternal minion."

"Who he can trade off," Xander pointed out. "It's that or genocide or all of DC being destroyed. And probably a golf course somewhere."

"Those things confuse many of us. Golf is annoying." The demon lord looked up then nodded once. "We will not harm the harmless or those without debts." Xander stared at him until he backed away. "Freely given ones, not ones where a parent used one on their child." Xander tipped his head. "It shall be done. Halfrek's wish granted to save the children of the peaceful communities." D'Hoffryn stared at him. "Do I need to use both?"

"Not if you do it right the first time," Xander quipped. The demon shivered but nodded. And suddenly there was a bill of rights and naturalization pathways for demons as of two years earlier. That the Supreme Court upheld. The protest still happened but now the bombing order wasn't going to be allowed. Someone tried to attack the slayer house but Xander shot him when he ran towards him with a gun. "Dude, seriously, not even the first this week," he said calmly.

He looked at the statue of Buffy and sighed, picking her up with a grunt to move her somewhere safer. Then he went outside to restart the house's defenses that Willow kept cutting off because it irritated her magic. He nodded and grinned at the reporters. "Be damned if we're going to allow genocide, people. I'm pretty sure at least some of you remember." He walked around the fountain to rescue the demon bunny that was outside the gate. He picked it up to pet. "You're a good biting bunny. Go be safe." He put it down so it could go hide under a bush.

He looked at the reporters again. "Those who made us act this morning should probably be very wary of pissing off the people that should protect all of you. After all, we don't *have* to fall in for battles. And doing this made sure a lot of the younger slayers won't ever fall in for battles. Sucks, dude, but maybe some of you can emigrate." He walked back into the house, kicking the door shut.

"It's safe!" he shouted. "I'm pretty sure it's safe." He went to the library to wait, finding they had left his named Book of Problems. He settled in to read it, making notes on what Phipps had gotten wrong. He had misinterpreted a lot of things wrong so Xander basically got to rewrite his own book of 'I handled this' as he retitled it. Giles could be pissed later.

His phone rang. "Yuppers?" He listened. "Is everyone all right? Actually I'm in Cleveland but I can be sent up to New York pretty fast, Barton. If you need me to I can do that. No, put me on speaker." He waited until he heard the beep. "Guys, it's Xander," he said calmly. "If they come anyway, they're in violation of the law and you can arrest them. It's everybody's right to arrest people. Or just knock them out and tie them up for the right ones to deal with.

"We know some who will and the guy who called me does too. Guys, this guy is Hawkeye, like in the comics and in the poker circuit with some of us. You can trust him. He can help and I'll be sent up if you need me to." He listened. "Yeah, that's a bad thing. Put the phone near her. Hey, D'Nar, don't hurt the ones who're protecting the community. I know there are some."

He listened. "Exactly. Protect the innocent and those who're willing to be human shields. That's what I'll do if I need to be sent up. Right now I'm guarding the main house. No, all the girls are already safe. The...shit. No one thought of them.

"Okay. I'll....thank you, Barton. Do they actually know where...that's even better. Thanks, dude. If you need me personally to come up I will, D'Nar. Right now I'm guarding the statue of Buffy. Thanks, dear. I'll see you soon and if I die doing this, I'll reincarnate as a biting rose bush for you." She giggled and promised she could do that for him. He hung up and went back to editing his book while thinking about his contacts. He called one.

"It's Xander," he said quietly. "Please help the minis in the orphan's house. They forgot to evacuate the ones in North Dakota." He listened. "He is. Help the girls? Thanks, dude." He hung up and popped his neck before going back to his editing. He added in a few new reports too. Thankfully the book was actually a three ring binder so they could easily add later sheets. He tossed it onto the emergency packing spot so it could fall into the library then got up and went to get something to drink. The attack on the house happened fairly fast but he was expecting it. Buffy's statue got put into a closet and Xander went to deal with the idiots.

"Hey, hateful morons," he called with a wave and a grin. "That won't work. Even if you make it through the protections you're going to die for it. Because I quit being nice years ago when I had to. Then again, middle school was like that." One did manage to get through the protections but Xander just winged him in the knee. The guy went down with a scream and Xander sighed, leaning against the doorframe to sip his cocoa. This was going to be a shitty day and he deserved cocoa.

He looked at the still staring reporters. "Ya know, we in the Sunnydale team stopped it the last time we found a group of government people doing genocide and torture on the demon communities," he said dryly but loudly enough to be heard. "I stopped some on my route. Faith stopped some that she found doing it. We protested at a college until they kicked the torturing sickos out too. Now we'll have to fight the next group of genocidal fuckheads I guess.

"Though there is that pesky order by a congressional group to name me to head an intelligence agency... Which I don't want." He sipped his cocoa and shot the next one that made it through. One of them spotted the demonic news station's team showing up and shouted, getting them attention. Xander shot them in non-fatal ways. He waved at the reporters. "Thanks for proving I'm more than pretty," he shouted with a grin. He looked at the other ones again. "Everyone thinks I'm the normal, average, guy one. They do seem to forget what I've had to do to save others."

"Mr. Harris, have you talked to SHIELD today?"

"No. Though someone did ask them to protect a few girls that got missed in the evacuation. I have no idea why the coven forgot them." He took another drink and shot the agent who had a demon child by the throat to use as a shield. That one...it wasn't non-fatal, unfortunately. "Don't torture kids. That's wrong," he told the body. He walked out to get the kid. "Hey, you okay?" She shook her head and cried. Xander picked her up to cuddle.

"It's all right. I'm here and you're safe for now. We'll get you back to your family as soon as we can," he cooed, patting her like he would any crying kid. She sniffled, looking at him. He grinned. "I'm Xander, kitten. They don't do this when I'm around." She shivered but nodded, putting her head back down. He looked at the demon news reporters. "Can you get someone here to pick her up safely?" he called. They nodded.

"You can come over too. It's important that you show the others if they're safe or not. Not like demons watch Faux news." They smiled but came over. Xander went back inside the gates. The girl got put down. "Go hide in the kitchen. Get an apple or something. You're too tiny and need to eat." She ran in there. Xander settled himself on the front stoop. "We'll wait out more stupid. I know there's a lot more coming. It seems to be growing." He got up to get more cocoa, handing the kid the fruit bowl with a smile. Then he went back outside to sit down again. He could get up easily enough from that spot.

An agent in a suit, without body armor, showed up. "Mr. Harris, you're being arrested for threatening the US government."

"They can blow me," Xander said. "They have no right to do that. And if they try, I'm having someone call in debts."

"Threatening more people won't help you any," he sneered.

Xander grinned. "That's not a threat, sweetie." He sipped his cocoa. "Then again, you can't cross the wards either. The pin you're wearing shows that you're part of an anti-demon conspiracy group." The agent did get barely across the gateway before his whole life was shown to everyone watching. "It's the intent wards," Xander quipped with a grin for him. "To prove what sort of person you are." The agent ran off. Xander shrugged and finished that cup of cocoa. A dark car pulled up and a guy got out wearing dark glasses. "Damn, I haven't seen you since Somalia. What're you doing up here, Bradley?"

"I came to help evacuate the child, Xander. Are you all right?"

"Pissed enough to be thinking seriously about making a group of people just like me to handle things." He stood up and stared at him. "I can't let you near the kid. While I trust you around the minis, and around me, I know about your sister's ideas."

Bradley grimaced. "She's in Utah. Starting her own cult to work against your future one." He smirked a tiny bit. "I can drop her at the bar."

"It's been evacuated. It's only got illusions on it as part of the protections," he said in Swahili. Bradley winced but nodded. "So yeah, can't let you. Otherwise it'd be great to see you today." He stared at him. "Is that Roddy?" Bradley nodded. "Thanks for the help, dude. Go guard a mini or two?"

"If I can." He stared at him. "You sure?"

"Yeah. She'll be fine. She can hide with Buffy." He grinned slightly. "The protections are really wicked around here. It had to be." The bad guy boyfriend shuddered but nodded and left again. Xander sat back down. He looked inside and the girl was staring at the statue of Buffy for now. Then he waited on more attacks of stupid to happen. There were agents sitting across the street now to watch what came up on the intent wards. Anyone that had something that could get them in legal trouble got arrested. Xander grinned at them the first time they did that.

***

The new president came onto the news that night. "After the mess earlier, we have voted to remove the former president and the vice president due to their actions and calls for people to attack peaceful beings who just want to exist," she announced. She stared at the press people. "By the law I am the next in line and will only be here until we hold the next regular election." That got a few nods.

"Frankly, I can see why people do not want to hold this job. Especially after auditing the orders the former president has put out in the last few months. Unfortunately we found what many suspected, treason. Multiple counts of treason." She cleared her throat. "As of this moment, the order to attack the demonic communities is rescinded and canceled. It will not be redone. There is a law before congress to make sure it can't happen again.

"There's also pardons, if necessary, in place for any who protected the demon communities for their actions today. And the few that had to protect innocent slayers as well because we heard a few of theirs nearly got hurt as well. We'll be holding a talk with them once the ones in charge get back into the US. We'll be holding a peace treaty with the heads of the demonic communities as well. Just like we had to do with the Native Americans, we have to do it again. Only this time we plan on sticking to the treaties."

One reporter raised her hand. "What about Mr. Harris?"

"I believe he did nothing that needs a pardon but if he needs one he's on our list. He was quite heroic and strong to defend the girls and their headquarters earlier. His and Slayer Summers' sacrifices to protect the communities was noted and appreciated. It was something that many of us would've done if we could have and had the knowledge they have. Frankly, I can see why the last president crushed on Mr. Harris.

"He's the poster for what a man should do and the last president was lacking in those skills. I just hope he doesn't have to become a role model for anyone because then the rest of us have failed to protect our people." She cleared her throat again. "I'm also going to rescind the sub committee order to put Mr. Harris in charge of some intelligence agency. While it'd be good for us, it'd be horrible for his sworn duty.

"I'd never take someone away from that sort of duty. He has a lot of raising to do with the baby slayers in Africa. And apparently a goddess who gardens that thought he'd make a great carnivorous rose bush." She smiled slightly. "I need to ask her for a cutting so we can plant one here at the White House garden. It'd be a nice protective measure and I'm sure they're pretty."

"Can the communities go on stand down?" one reporter called.

"Yes, they should be able to. I won't promise there's not failures of humans who'll attack them, just like any other time. It is not legally allowed. It will not be tolerated. Those failures of humanity have to live within the laws, the same as the peaceful communities do. The hateful ones probably hate anyone not like them already but oh well. The US is diverse and they have to get used to that." She stared at them. "Thank you to all those who helped today. You showed the true worth of humanity and we thank you for it, for giving us time to act to stop it."

"Ma'am," another reporter said, standing up. "Your name was on the list of people who owed demonic debts. Can we ask what you did?"

"I wished away about ten percent of my soul for my sister to survive being attacked by idiots like those who attacked the demonic communities," she said bluntly, staring at him. "I don't consider that a sin."

"Oh," the reporter said, sitting down. "We were hoping you weren't one of the evil ones."

"No, I'm only evil if you're drunk and my son," she said with a smirk. "He'd tell you the same thing." She looked around. "Any other problematic laws or orders he created, we'll be taking this week to go over. If you have a particularly bad one you're concerned about call your local senator's office so they can pass it along. If your senator isn't one who'll do that, call one who is. I personally like the ones from Maine and the one from upper Nevada for that.

"They all know how to pass on concerns and complain loudly about things when necessary." That got a few laughs. "I'm going to go clean out the office. You have a less worried night, people." She walked off. Behind her cameras were going off and reporters were making reports to their people back at the office. She looked at the mess from the arrests and sighed. "This is going to suck huge," she told herself. "But only two years." Someone knocked and she flinched. "What?" she called, calming herself down.

A guard leaned in. "Ma'am, we have the heads of three intelligence agencies here waiting to brief you and one on his way in."

"That's fine. Would they do that together or separately? I don't know how classified they are."

"Could be together, ma'am."

"Give me a minute to clean up the desk and let all four in together." He nodded, going to tell them that. They wondered about the fourth until a calm, balding man walked up the hallway with a tablet. Then they knew.

"Coulson," one said, staring at him. "How..."

"Fury," he admitted. "Nick basically tortured me back into life. Then he went to hide from me by hunting HYDRA." He sat down. "Is she okay?"

"Not yet," they said.

"Is Fury alive?" another one asked. Coulson nodded. "Where?"

"Tangling with Harris usually. Nick actually yelled at Harris for using a sword while Fury himself didn't join into the battle against the ascended demon." They all groaned. "Yup. He couldn't shoot and didn't have a machete." They just nodded. Coulson smiled slightly. "A few weeks back, Harris was joking about making a whole cult of people who'd handle things like him to take his spot when he died. Nick was horrified but ..."

"If there's going to be one, they'll start after today. They kept a constant feed on the slayer house all day."

"It was nice that the HYDRA person was the nicest who the intent ward showed," Phil agreed. "And they didn't arrest him." The head of the FBI groaned. "It's fine. He was well down the list and was actually helpful today. HYDRA knows they don't want the slayers to lose. They don't want to handle those battles either."

"We thought it was weird but you're right. No one wants to do the slayers' jobs so they'll protect them so they don't have to," the head of the FBI agreed. "I'm still wondering how they decided which agents to kidnap before battles."

"The girls picked on their likeness to Harris," Phil said with a smirk. "I asked Faith once." They groaned but nodded. "Some of my former people offered to be taken as well. That way we hear as well and can ask the Avengers members to join in."

"Stark and Rogers probably would," the head of the CIA agreed. "Hawkeye probably too."

Phil leaned back with a smirk. "Harris used to read his comic books. Used to be his role model." They all groaned. That explained a lot. "I did the DNA tests to make sure they weren't related."

"SHIELD is nuts anyway," the head of the CIA said. Phil nodded that was true. The president opened the office door so they went in there to brief her about problems as they knew them.

***

Phil Coulson showed up that night at the slayer house, smiling at the tiny girl that was still clinging to Xander's thigh. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah. Her mom's on the way," he said quietly, petting over her head. "Sit and wait with me?" Coulson nodded, sitting on the stairs next to them. "This is Director Coulson of SHIELD, kitten." She waved but looked exhausted. The mother parked and ran over. "Easy. She's okay. She had a banana for lunch and a few bunches of grapes for dinner because there's no food. It locked the fridge." He picked her up to hug her. "You have a good, long, safe, happy life, kitten." He kissed her on the cheek before handing her over. "She stared at Buffy's statue all day."

"She's got a statue?" the mother asked, looking her daughter over.

"With the wish she used earlier, it turned her into one for six months. She'll be fine." He grinned. "She was good and safe all day."

"Thank you, Knight."

"They shouldn't have grabbed her." The mother smiled, walking her cuddling daughter off. Xander sat down with a sigh once she was gone. He looked at the guy next to him. "Huge day."

"Very huge day." He sighed. "The girls?"

"Safe. Thank the agents who helped the orphans the witches didn't gather. They thought the protections would help hide the house."

"I can understand that and a few agents wanted to stay there to help the girls for a few weeks."

"As long as they're good people."

"Mostly. One's an ass but won't be toward the girls." Xander nodded at that. "Now what?"

"Once they're back, I got back to my girls."

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Yup. Especially if I can kick Nick Fury away from one of their villages."

"I'm sure he'll leave them alone."

"Sometimes."

"Fine. I'll talk to him." He patted him on the arm. "You won't be arrested for anything earlier, and the president has promised a pardon for anything you did today to protect yourself and others." Xander nodded, looking happier with that. "Though you're still in line for some sort of spot. Too many senators are now pointing at you as 'be like him'."

"I'm going to be in Africa again within a week. They'll forget me."

"Good. Though Nick has said that if I fall, he's going to name you." Xander groaned, shaking his head. "Just to be a heroic figurehead. He said he'd name Rogers but Steve glared at him until he quit being smug. He decided it was you or Stark to be the heroic figurehead."

Xander looked over Coulson's shoulder then at him. "If I end up heading SHIELD, Deadpool's my second-in-command, not Hill or your scary agent lady sort. Maybe Barton if Deadpool's died."

"How do you even know about him?"

"Do you think they only made SHIELD comics?" Xander quipped with a grin.

"Oh, dear."

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure that Wade heard about that stuff from his convention of his other selves."

"There's a what now?"

"Do you think Deadpools don't have a convention to talk to their other selves the way the Xanders do?" Coulson shivered. "Also, you should know that the viewers will hate that. It'll be totally boring. You guys do much more interesting things than I'd ever get to be if I become Xander of SHIELD."

"Viewers? There's a demon realm that tapes you?" he demanded, staring at the young guy. Xander grinned and nodded. "Since when!"

"Since at least our junior year of high school. I'm kinda shocked no one here has realized that. I mean, Buffy has her own show. Willow has a show. My show's well liked because I tend to spend some time shirtless." He smirked at him. "Me doing your job would bore people. They'd probably never allow it and might even cancel this whole realm in retaliation."

"Shit."

"Yup. But you're well liked," he said with a pat on the guy's arm. "They think you're competent and hot. They like your scary agent lady and think she should start to flirt with you. The lab geeks should get together. Their fanfiction site...so much bigger and well written for the most part. Though I'm not sure about the ones that want me to put myself between Barton and his work wife."

Coulson held up a hand while shaking his head. Xander just grinned at him. "How long have they been watching me?"

"Since they started to really drool on Tony Stark. They spotted him coming out and got him focused on almost immediately while he was a hostage. They can really spot an origin story."

"So they've spotted me being an agent and handling things, and then started to follow me when I had to take over?" Xander grinned and nodded. "Why?" he sighed.

"You're interesting and competent and hot according to many of them. Though there's a lot of love for the geeks."

"Do they have cutesy names like our fanfiction does?"

"Oh, yeah. Fitz-Simmons is one of the biggest categories. You and May are Philinda." Phil hung his head, shaking it again. "Though there's a few who want you to take in Daisy." Phil shook his head faster. "Me they think I should either go jump between Barton and his work wife, or maybe flirt with Darcy Lewis."

"You're both warping in the same way and like to take care of people in the same manners," Phil said, staring at him. "Do the shows have titles?"

"Mostly names. Yours is called SHIELD. The whole group of you guys is called the MCU or something. I've got the tv guide from the demon bar if you want to look it over." He got up to get it, bringing the last few issues for him to look at. "They play it at the poker hall."

"Does Barton know about that?"

"Probably." He grinned. "He bet that I'd go flirt with Deadpool and whoever Cable is." Phil sighed, taking the viewing guides with him back to his base. Xander grinned at the camera he knew was there. "You know, I can feel the camera, guys." He could almost hear the groaning so he got up to go inside and rest on the couch for a bit.

***

Epilogue:

***

Phil Coulson walked up to where Clint Barton was sitting in a normal bar, swatting him across the back of the head. "That's for not telling me about the betting, the fanfiction, and the shows, Barton."

Clint grinned at him. "Xander tell you?" He glared but nodded. "At least they really like you and you keeping everyone happy means they don't try to take out this realm for being boring."

"I can't just make up emergencies to handle weekly, Hawkeye."

"I know, so do they. If they get that bored and it's near sweeps week, we get an invasion. We all look hot with weapons. A few have complained it's getting too standardized but that's just viewers."

"How did you find out?"

"I was playing poker and some younger kid wanted me to sign his comic book, which wasn't off this realm. It had me basically going subby for Venom." Coulson sat down next to him and got his own beer, paying for another one for Clint too. "So I asked. I just realized that Harris has probably been reading their version and not ours," he said, looking up.

"Considering he called Natasha your work wife...." He stared at him. "How do you handle this?"

"Lots of people watch what we do, Phil." He patted him on the back. "I get a lot of fun watching the trending ideas going on and how they want to pair people. Some have started to want Darcy Lewis and Brock Rumlow to hook up."

"Hell no I'd never take up with a mothering, nice lady," Rumlow complained from his seat in the corner. "And I know about that stuff too. I saw it once when I was tracking the tweety bird there." Clint shot him a grin. "Personally I think Lewis is a plant to counteract some of Harris' chaos drawing."

"Could be. You can go ask her," Clint quipped. "Just watch out for Foster. She hits pretty hard for such a tiny woman." He looked at Coulson again.

"Do we think the Asgardians realize?"

"Nope. Well, Loki does. My comic subscription came in while he had me under control and I nearly broke it to read the newest issue." Phil stared at him so he grinned back. "Every guy's gotta have a role model, Phil."

"Uh-huh." He gulped some of his beer. "I'm going to forget about this talk." He put down a tip on the bar before going to go home and hide from everyone. When Daisy tried to get him to talk to her he sent out the comic book he had found in his mail that morning. She squeaked and ran off to tell Melinda. Phil got a few quiet hours thanks to that. Mostly to not think because he didn't want to think for now. Melinda came in to calm him down and get his mind on other, less horrible things. SHIELD's work was never really done.

The End.
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