Xander woke up in a cell. He wasn't sure why he was in a cell but he was. It wasn't a local cell. He'd seen plenty of those bailing his family out of Sunnydale's jail but it was definitely a cell. He sat up after making sure no one else was in there with him or nearby. The cell looked...weird to him. The fabric on the bed wasn't a standard mattress or plain enough to be a US prison cell. So definitely weird.
He checked himself, finding a spot that was starting to pimple up from a shot of some sort. "Anytime I get hit with a needle, I pop up a small pimple," he reminded himself. He popped it and wiped the stuff on his pants. Which weren't his usual style. The plain white fabric wasn't cotton or polyester, it was shimmery feeling and felt weird like the bed fabric did. He looked up. "I know I'm a geek," he mumbled. "But if the kidnaping fairy wanted me that badly, she should've asked."
A man, about middle aged and looked like he could've been a cousin to Xander, walked up to the fancy bars of the cell. "Good, you're awake. You'll make a good host for me later on. You're young, strong, and have trained partially as a warrior." He smirked.
"What makes you think I want that honor?" Xander quipped, leaning back against the cell wall.
"You cannot fight my will, boy."
Xander snorted. "I doubt like hell whatever you're trying is going to work on me. I'm not the usual kid." He stared at this guy. He was wearing weird clothes, nothing humanish that he had seen in any of Buffy's magazines. His jewelry was gold but gaudy instead of tasteful. "I mean," he waved a hand at him. "You dress horribly and your taste in jewelry is gross. Why would I want to help you do anything?"
"I'll make sure you will."
"You can't torture me enough to make me give in, dude. Really. I'm not like other boys." He stared at him until the guy walked off in a huff. Xander grimaced. "Great." He got up to look around the cell. Toilet, small sink on top to wash your hands. No window but the wall was metal. He laid a hand on it, feeling the tiny vibration through his fingers. "No, can't be," he muttered. He shook his head and went back to looking around. No food but he expected that to be a common tactic.
Though, if he wanted him to fight something for him he'd have to feed him eventually he guessed. The bars weren't electrified and the lock was a pretty standard key lock like you saw on a front door for some reason. "Someone hired a bullshit person to build their cells," he muttered, looking at it. "Hmm." He went back to the bunk to sit on and pretend to be a good boy when he heard his 'host' come back. Xander stared at him. "So what are you since you're clearly not human but I'm guessing not demonic."
"Demons are amusing," he said with a smug look. "Many of us don't believe that's what they were but I remember them." He stared at him. "I'm Ba'al."
"Named yourself after the Egyptian God of Thunder, huh?" Xander asked dryly.
"I am a God, boy."
"No, a God wouldn't need a host body or a warrior-in-training. Ra might've based on the legends of him being chopped into pieces but I heard his wife got him back together with some mystical mojo on his magical dick." He stared at him. "Real gods don't need hosts to appear normal." He smirked a tiny bit. "Seen a few in Sunnydale. They hang out by the college to teach history."
The god glared at him. "You are impudent and will fall in line with my wishes. Or you will pay before I take you over."
"I doubt that because it'll mean a weak host body," Xander said with a small smirk. "Logic, dude, you don't use it very well. Worse than a teenage girl." Ba'al stomped off again. "Well, that figures. Kidnaped by aliens. I'll never live this one down if I get back to the home planet," he sighed. He got comfortable to wait. Ba'al was a shit kidnaper and all Xander needed was a paperclip or something. Then they'd see if he was an actual god or not.
It only took a few hours for Ba'al to get too annoyed and stomp off like a pouty girl for a longer time. Thankfully Xander knew he'd be gone for a while this time. He had found a single pin hidden on the bed's edge. Clearly his last hostage hadn't gotten to use it. Xander wasn't going to wait that long. He got up to check. He could see the main bridge area if he pressed against the bars and peered through a doorway. No idiot alien supposed god so he was probably safe to pick the lock.
"The things you learn when your parents get drunkenly locked out of everything," he muttered. He got the bars open and checked again then snuck out. The ship wasn't that big. He found a sarcophagus looking device. Which figured since the guy thought he was an Egyptian god. The 'tomb' around the sarcophagus wasn't that pretty by his standards of what he'd seen on tv. So clearly still building up to greatness.
He didn't check inside. If the guy was in there, that was fine, he could stay there for now. If he was wandering around Xander would try to take him out. He walked off, heading for the bridge area. With a pause in the kitchen when he found it first. He needed a snack. The idiot had apples. So great for him. He walked onto the bridge and stared as he nibbled. "Not too far off Star Trek," he decided quickly, going to check where they were. Leaving the earth solar system. Charming!
He only had a minor thing for astronomy thanks to Star Trek and other geek things but he had learned a lot about a few fields related to the Enterprise. Including how to reset a course since it was labeled. "Clearly he stole this," he muttered. He got them turned around and turned to look at the man standing there. "I'm not doing shit for you, dude. You're weak. I mean, I know strippers tougher than you."
"You'll serve the gou'ald, boy." He sneered at him. "You're not totally worthy but you'll do until I make a new set of bodies."
"Nah, not my thing. One soul per body. Mine's already attached." The man threw a jar at him, making Xander flinch but bat it aside. The thing inside broke free and wiggled toward him. It bit him but then screamed in pain as it shriveled up and died. Xander grinned. "Like I said, not normal." Ba'al was looking horrified. "Let me guess. It doesn't like magic?"
"Magic is not real!" he sneered.
"You'd be shocked. I work with a pretty powerful witch, dude." He looked at the computer board then nodded and accepted something suggested. "There."
"You could destroy your planet if you don't know what you're doing," Ba'al quipped.
Xander stared at him. "Dude, I know more about Star Trek than some of the writers. Your ship's less complicated than the Enterprise." Ba'al looked horrified. Xander grinned and waved a tiny bit. "Yeah, geek, me. And some of my friends. Xander, not the average twenty-year-old guy." He stretched. "So, this host thing. I'm guessing it won't work since that one only screamed a lot before dying. So what else did you have planned, Ba'al?"
"You will not escape. I can eliminate you and get another suitable host."
"Yeah, no, not gonna happen." Ba'al rushed him after turning on some sort of field projection system to protect himself. "Oooh, a force shield, whatever will I do?" Xander sneered then attacked from the side instead of the front. The weak spots on those were almost always on the back but Ba'al wasn't going to fall for a back strike yet. The guy was a good fighter, but clearly out of practice. "I know teenage girls that hit better too, Ba'al. Are you sure you're a supposed deity?" Ba'al growled and attacked again. It barely bothered Xander so he managed to get to his back this time. No weapons so he couldn't stake or stab him. He did kick a chair over to grab something pretty off it and found a dagger had fallen out. He looked at it then nodded. "Pretty."
"Ra gave that to me as a rebirthing day present," Ba'al sneered. "Give it back."
"When it's sticking out of you." Xander stared at him. "C'mon if you think you're so hot."
"I can have you beamed into space. Then retrieve my present."
Xander grinned. "I disabled that system. Sorry. Needed the power for the engines. Warp speed four, Mr. Sulu." He batted his eyes at him. "So damn weak. I know stronger vampires." Ba'al growled again but didn't attack this time. Xander looked at the board then nodded and did something. It sent them away from earth. Ba'al laughed at that but Xander grinned. "I can get home later. You..I don't want near my people." Ba'al started to cackle.
So Xander flicked his fingers, finding the regeneration unit listed. He turned it off. Ba'al screamed in rage. Xander shut off the replication system too. Just in case he was making more of himself or something. He looked at the guy then recalibrated the oxygen mixture in use too. He was immune to a bit more nitrogen in the air than the supposed god probably was. If not, he could change it back. Ba'al started to breathe harder. Xander grinned at him.
"You are much like O'Neill," he sneered as he gripped the chair next to him. "Always too smug and yet inferior."
"Sounds like someone I'd like to meet," Xander quipped, waiting it out. The guy fell to not being able to breathe well enough. Xander got him tied up then fixed the air again so he was more comfortable too. Ba'al got put into his former cell and the door was jammed closed this time. No picking possible. Xander went to check out the rest of the ship. The sarcophagus was the regeneration unit apparently. It had an ancient version of the guy in the cell in there. Xander hit the destroy button. It screamed as it got eaten by light. He checked, no residue left afterwards and no weird worms.
He spotted a few in jars and considered it then put them in there and burned them too. Ba'al had woken up enough to be screaming at him to stop. Xander grinned and waved, dropping in the last of the wormy things. Then he hit the destroy button. All gone. Ba'al was all but crying so apparently that was a bad thing to him. Xander searched the area. He found the cloning chambers. One of his host's body. Three other Xanders though. He considered it, looking at the panel. He destroyed the Ba'al copy. His copies were nearly finished so he'd let them.
"I could use a twin or two. Then one of us could go evil." He strolled off to get another apple to nibble on. "Hmm." He went to reset the course again. This time he got them back closer to their normal solar system, but outside it for now. He did not want alien douchebags on his planet. Buffy might date it.
Xander waved at the first clone of him that woke up. "It's a weird thing."
"Wow, you're me."
"I'm the original me, as far as I know. I was the only one that wasn't in here." He waved a hand at the other two clones. "We have an idiot alien wannabe god who thought we'd make a great host for him."
Xander 2 grimaced as he climbed out of the tube. "That totally sucks."
"He said his name is Ba'al. I took out his clone that was being built and a lot of wormy things that he had in jars. Let's finish waking the other two up then we'll go search the ship?" That got a nod and they got the other two woken up. Original Xander drew a '1' on his tank top. The others got their own numbers before going out to search out food, water, supplies for weapons, and any other wormy things.
One of them did get bitten but the sarcophagus got him free somehow when Xander 2 shoved him into it so he could destroy the worm. The others relaxed and went back to their searchings. They found a few weapons in the ancient class and a few weird things that may be alien weapons. Ba'al was watching them, but he was clearly confused.
Xander 4 looked at him. "What's wrong?"
"You're not fighting for dominance. I messed up your cloning."
"Nah, we don't care about dominance." He smirked. "We're used to being the guy behind the hero." He strolled off again to look at the guidance display. "Hey, Original One? It says we're nearing earth's orbit."
"Great." Xander came out to look at that and then opened the communications panel. Because they could all see the dreadnought level ship in front of them. "Hi," he called and waved when a picture showed up on the main screen. "The alien wannabe God is in the cell. I didn't want to be a host so I denied his urges. Oh, and I killed a bunch of wormy things too."
"What?" the man wearing colonel's tabs demanded.
"I'm Xander. These are the other mes that the guy who calls himself Ba'al made." He waved at hand at them with a grin. "Thankfully he didn't realize the true power of minor geek. I can't claim major geek status but I am a minor Star Trek geek." He smiled sweetly. "So we're coming home. Has it been a long time since September first?"
"Um, three days."
"Oh, good, then the girls wouldn't have worried too much." He looked at the others, who all smiled and nodded back. He looked at the colonel again. The poor colonel looked so confused. "Should I put that Ba'al wannabe guy in the sarcophagus or not?"
"Not. We want to charge him with horrifying things," the colonel said. "Lower your shields so we can beam over?"
"Um...." Xander looked at all the displays, shaking his head. "It doesn't say we have one. A defense shield against asteroids but that shouldn't defeat boarding."
"Okay. Just stay there in sight, kids." He turned to say something to a soldier on his bridge. Who ran off. "We'll be right over to get this all straightened out."
Xander stared at him. "I've seen weirder than a guy pretending to be an Egyptian deity of thunder, Colonel. Really!" He waved. "Going to the kitchen. It's dry in here. It's just up the hall on the left." He came back with bottles of water and the guy who had beamed in. "Is he yours?"
"Kind of. Though supposedly dead."
Xander looked at the sandy haired guy who was wearing glasses. "Are you a Messenger?"
"No, Xander. Not exactly." He smiled. "Though I did tell Whistler to go home, I'd handle it since this was our weirdness getting into the Powers That Be's." He looked at the screen. "Caldwell, it's fine. You can beam Jack over. Ba'al is still in his cell being despondent."
"I'll call him, Jackson. Why are you back?"
"Because Ba'al just broke a long standing treaty that the Ancients made." He smiled. "And Jack's going to be screaming like hell in about ten minutes so duck really hard." Caldwell, the colonel, just nodded and signed off. He looked at the quad of boys. "This is going to get really bad."
"No, we had the military in Sunnydale at one time but they were evil," Xander 4 said. "Our group had to take them out and down."
Daniel winced. "That's going to be even worse." Two figures beamed in then a third. "Hey, guys." He smiled and waved. "I'm handling the newly broken treaty thanks to Ba'al."
"He's whining in the cell because we're not fighting for dominance," Xander 2 said with a grin and a wave. "He didn't do any homework about us at all apparently. Just that we fight things." He looked at Daniel. Then at the military people. "Before we go any farther, what does the Initiative project name mean to you?" One of them, the female, spluttered. "They were in my town and we're not happy with their sort."
"We are not that sort," Daniel assured him. "Whistler just told me about them."
Original Xander snorted, giving him a look. "While Whistler is the messenger for the PTB for Buffy and other champions, the PTB hate us like hell because we fixed problems on them. They'd probably like us to be fucked up the butt by a volcano." Daniel smiled and nodded. "So yeah, not trusting Whistler or his bosses. Frankly, don't make me put the plans I have into effect." He looked at the guy wearing General stars. "So, General. Welcome to this place I woke up in thanks to the supposed alien deity."
"First, who are you?" the general asked.
"Jack, relax," Daniel ordered. He patted the original Xander on the back. "This is Xander Harris. He's from Sunnydale. His team helps stop the end of the world each spring, and sometimes in the fall." He patted Xander again. "Xander, this is my former teammate, Jack O'Neill. This is Colonel Samantha Carter. That is Colonel Cam Mitchell. He's my current team leader if I get back to human."
Xander four stared at Mitchell. "You look like the guy that came out to look at the former base but got ran off."
"I was there to see what the hell happened. Higher ups sent me because they reported a special team was shut down by locals."
"For neat things like torturing them," Xander 2 agreed. Three was nodding to back him up. He looked at him. "Do you talk?"
"Yeah, but you're saying it all for me." He grinned. 2 grinned back and they hit each other on the arm. He looked at them. "Our group shut down their whole project that was working on finding out demons." Daniel coughed. "By torturing them and pulling them apart and other bad things. We stopped their monster that they were going to unleash on everyone else too." He grinned and waved at the staring woman. "Buffy did the main work. We helped free the base. And if I find one of them again I'm going to shoot at them again for being evil fucks!"
Jack O'Neill looked at his teammates. "Did we participate in that program?"
"I saw the notes after shut down. Torture is a weak word," Sam Carter said. "Someone sent us the notes to see if something they found could be useful for us."
"Okay, so better off dead." He looked at the boys again. "Thank you for that service." They grinned. "This Ba'al clone?" They pointed. Cam stomped that way. "Sure, you do that. You have more experience with this one."
"He had one new body in making but we destroyed it," One told him with a grin. "And I freed myselves they were making. Then we destroyed a lot of snakes in jars that he got all weepy about."
"The sarcophagus did really well when one of us got bitten by one too," 3 said, pointing at 2's leg. "It ate the snake and not us."
"Usually it won't do that," Daniel said, looking at them then at the original one. "Any idea why?"
Xander shrugged but grinned. "He threw one at me and it screamed then died when it tried to bite me. So maybe magic, not sure. Could be hellmouth taint."
"Magic?" Sam Carter demanded.
Xander nodded. "We do deal with that in Sunnydale sometimes. You'd have to talk to Willow about that, or Giles. It goes screwy around me for some reason that may be Willow or the hellmouth. Not sure and not my thing." He shrugged and grinned. "Things get weird in Sunnydale and we just handle them as they come." The other three nodded to back him up.
"They do more weird things than we ever have," Daniel told them with a grin. "And it's probably going to be worse soon." All four Xanders stared at him. "Whistler said you can't be there."
"Whistler can tongue us and all our asses," Xander 3 said sarcastically. "Because I don't follow that sort of order. He's not my higher power."
"There's a problem that you're ignoring," Sam Carter said. "You're dealing with classified things here." All four of them snorted at her. "Like you can go to jail for this, boys."
"For being kidnaped? Really? We knew our government was fucked up," the original Xander said. "After all, they tainted the army by sending a bunch of them to our town to replay some of the biggest hits of the past war crimes they've done. Frankly, your little snake things and all that? Yawn, lady. I've met three actual gods. Your pathetic wannabe god that's possessed?" He grimaced. "So very pathetic. I mean, I beat him and I'm not the best fighter around. So he can't be that great." He waved a hand. "So damn pathetic." He looked at the others, who shared a look then nodded. "Not like we're going to press to keep the ship. It's kinda weak too by Enterprise standards."
"Boys, we're still going to have to take you into custody long enough to debrief you," Jack O'Neill said.
They grinned and waved. "Willow!" they all yelled. She appeared and stared with her mouth open and eyes wide. "There's a wannabe god who decided we'd be his new host body so he was creating more. Can we come home now?" She nodded, taking them all with her. Just so she could scream, rant, and complain at the Goddess that there were now four Xanders. They grinned and went to their apartment to shower, change into real clothes, and deal with things. The group could scream about them that night, after Willow got her huffiness out of the way. That way there weren't one Xander and three cats.
Jack O'Neill looked at his former anthropologist. "What was that?"
"Magic," he said with a nod. "They deal with demon problems. Including ones that were around before the Ancients. They're probably not going to talk about anything because they have seen more weird things."
"Those gods?" Sam demanded.
"Teach at their local college. Not pretending gou'ald or ancients either. Literal pagan gods." She slumped, staring at him. He nodded. "There was a treaty to keep the gou'ald out of demon affairs because the gou'ald knew they couldn't beat the demon courts. The demons were supposedly very amused by them but it was a lot of work for little benefit at that time.
"Plus it reinforced their local ruling by giving over their problem people to be taken as slaves. Though they were dying off at that time so it sorted itself out while the gou'ald got driven off by the humans and some demons who loathed the snakes." He shifted his stance, looking at the handcuffed Ba'al. "You broke a treaty, Ba'al. That means that demons are now your enemy again."
"They died," he sneered.
"No. They're hiding." Daniel grinned. "If a witch could get up here from her town in California...." Ba'al shuddered. "Exactly. You broke the treaty."
"The other gou'ald won't care since I'm about the only one left."
"True, which means that the demons can now take over your old methods. Including the stargate system if they can find a way to get to it." Ba'al laughed. "Remember, there's always been some that could fit in." Daniel grinned at Jack. "Thankfully the ones on base are just making sure we don't screw up too badly."
"We have demons on the base?" Carter demanded.
"Yeah!" He smiled and nodded. "Always have. Even before that mess out in Sunnydale happened. They wanted to make sure we didn't turn into something evil. Or lose humanity." She grimaced. "Yup." He looked at Cam then at Jack again. "Shit's about to get hard and real again, Jack. Kinda glad I'm on this side even though I can't read any books." He disappeared. "Leave the kid alone. You won't like that consequence. He will become the evil we can't battle."
"Uh-huh. Sure. You betcha," Jack muttered. "Okay, let's land this ship, people. Then we'll space gate the idiot gou'ald." Ba'al struggled but he didn't get free. Cam moved to land the ship for them. Jack could go talk to the boys later on. Once he didn't have a headache from the great beyond.
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